Chapter 15: Don't put your heart in careless hands

Oh yeah, and happy belated birthday to this blog.

I can't escape myself lately. I'm everywhere I go, haunting my every turn. All I want is to get out. But I'm chained by the ankle to my consciousness. Stuck. I was going somewhere tonight but my legs wouldn't take me.

All I'm hearing is maybes. I think I wrote, thought, said, or otherwise expressed once that a maybe was worse than a no, because uncertainty is a killer. I'm distressed, only I could have nothing going on and be more stressed out than when I'm hard at work. No wonder I always had to leave the house to get things done on my internship, I've been going crazy all month. Fuck, fuckers, fuck. There ain't no comfort in this head, no ma'am.

I've been telling people for weeks that I didn't know if I was accepted to university yet, although dad was goading me to check the website, despite my reminders "They'll send me the letter." So I checked today, still nothing, and now I know it's nothing. I wasn't thinking about it before, now it's swallowed me up. not helping this is the occasionally-mentioned fact that I'm not sure if I sincerely want to go or if I'm doing it out of some perceived societal obligation. It would be such a relief to be rejected! Doesn't that sound insane?! But no, they tell me, my family, you're so good, you'll be accepted. Sometimes I feel like my entire life has been me waiting for someone to tap me on the shoulder and tell me they've found me out, it's over. Shit, now I'm getting candid. And that's why I started the blog, iddnit?

Why can't I just settle the fuck down?

Today began the countdown to birthday-ness with dinner at dad's, and birthday pie. It's long since become a running gag amongst the family that I'm not always up for birthday cake. By the time my birthday rolls around it's already been like three other peoples in that month (and that's a conservative estimate,) so that's a whole lotta cake. So I suggested to dad last week that maybe it might be worth considering to arrange a kind of... birthday pie. Specifically, lemon merangue. The idea took off, and here we are. Brilliant.

I want to see the future. I want to get to a time when all my headcase shit just melts off and I suddenly realize "Ohh... THIS is life." I should not be left to my own devices, but alone seems to be the only flavour I've known.

I need a kind of help I can never get.

Keep on rockin'
-Scott

Addendum 1:40 that night: You know, I was out earlier, and I was reading, and enjoying the crisp cool air and a can of coke. I'm not so worried, I'm not so stressed, as I was when I thought what I just earlier wrote. I've still got problems, got my stresses, and many will stick for a while, but there is good in the world, calm, coolness, and I'm still interested in the future; I feel fine.

KOR-SAW