One: Another title I didn't want to write

I did nothing today.

With an ever-growing sense of frustration, I've been taking more and more mondays off. Getting up at 6:30 to catch the 7:58 train in howling wind and ice is not exactly a playground. So I took today off and did nothing.

I had intended to study for my Film Study exam. I still haven't shaken the crushing feeling I got when I found out how badly I did on the shot-by-shot. I'm suddenly very determined to prove, to my instructors and to myself, that I'm not some jabroni who doesn't belong. For fuck's sake, I will not settle for a lower mark than King Douchington himself. I owe it to myself and to my good name to straighten this out.

I've not been taking the postsecondary world as seriously as I ought to, I think. In some way, maybe I just believed I wouldn't actually be around long, and it didn't matter, but an entire semester has now gone by and I have no inclination toward leaving, so I should be treating this very seriously. My mind has been elsewhere all November. There will be time for the world outside University later. I am here, now.

I had a dream the other night where I bought a bunny, and it was biting people. I had nowhere to keep it and lost it. I have no idea what this might mean. Maybe the answer is more obvious than I think. Maybe there's a poem in there.

Back to the nothing. I took today off and did nothing with it. I did not study. I did not write. I played shitty games and read.

The weekend brought a massive and crushing first snowfall. I was kind of hoping, however guiltily, for one of those warm winters we've been having where we don't see much snow until, like, New Year's Eve. I can't really enjoy them because they feel wrong, but at the same time, it's comforting that it's warm. It is not warm; indeed, quite cold, very much a quintessential winter. I wanted to do something this weekend, but resigned myself to isolation and a glass of cold gin. It feels like the world has no time nor comfort for ole Scotto. Don't nobody wanna see me down and out.

Today began, to a slow start, and I went for coffee. Because of the cold and I wanted to try going someplace close, I thought maybe I'd stop by Sheridan. I did not go to the newsroom, I only went as far as Second Cup, but I did run into Jimmy.

I got a cup of coffee from Second Cup. As the girl was handing me the change, a penny fell into the cup. "Whoops." She dumped it and poured me a fresh cup. I got my sugar and cream and went on my way. I was just about home when I heard a tapping or scraping on the inside of the cup. No, it couldn't be. I had seen her pour out the cup. Paranoid, I got home and poured the coffee into a mug through a strainer. And sure enough, stuck to the bottom of the cup, the penny.

It occurred to me at that point that while it was not cool to be drinking copper-flavoured coffee, the real problem was the currency... it's cold and flu season, and how many damn people do you think handled that penny? Yech.

So I did nothing this weekend, nothing today. I have my test tomorrow. I'm driven to succeed at it, and will be going over my notes - which have been taken quite dilligently as compaed to any previous class - but I have to believe most of it is in my head. That's always been my approach, that if you know it, it's there. I know the different between panning and tracking, between low angle and low camera position, long take and long shot... hm.

Maybe I'll blow the lid off this thing. Maybe I'll expose myself as the fraud I secretly think I am.

I guess things will turn out the way that they do. Alls we can do is jump and hope we land.

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I'm worn out tonight. Barely wanted to write this, and I ain't been around since firday. No motivation, I suppose.

Keep on rockin
-Scott