K: The light under the door

More stimulating and refreshing than the last several days would have been the feeling of getting one's face smashed into a brick wall. Repeatedly.

It's just been rough. I wake up each morning and immediately drown in the realization that shit is piling up into a massive clusterfuck of a mess. Between schoolwork, bureaucracy, social life and other shit I do supposedly for my own benefit, my brain is a fuckin' pudding. I just walk around all day being totally pissed off for no good reason. Frustration, aggrivation, exhaustion... it's a nice cocktail.

Easter weekend was nothing spectacular. It was a family gathering - what am I, gonna run down my family? (Shit man, you never know who's reading!) Trips to North Bay do have a tendency to bring out my insecurities. I can't help but draw the comparisons and contrasts between my brothers and I, and our cousins. And that brings to mind my other cousins and I feel just totally stuck. One the one side, (dad's) we have cousins who are fairly well off... both University graduates, both in stable relationships, both very well-adjusted and having their lives. Other the other side (mom's,) we have two cousins who may not be in the best states financially, (one just lost his job) but both living independently and with their significant others, homes and kids (although in one case... er, forget it.) Then in the middle, here's us three... two disgruntled students and one working an enigmatic job over the internet, all living at home, all in a state of arrested development being schlepped around in a rented van and sitting still and being awkward and quiet. I don't know if any of our family members think about this, but at some points it was all I was able to think about.

We get all bitter and pissy, it's true, but hey, it's the only time we get to see these particular family members, especially Grandad (apart from just before his increasingly-frequent trips.) If they notice anything, they're far too nice to point it out. But for some reason I can't be myself. Just a really bland character I play.

So we got home and bummed around and ate Chinese. I finished off a short paper I had put off but was due the next day. It wasn't terribly important or long (750 words tops,) but I had a hard time getting started. Once I got rolling though it wasn't all that difficult to finish it off. I don't know how good it is, but a lot of the time my only real concern is that it's done. I know that's terrible, especially considering my resolution was to become a better student, but at this point I'm so fucking exasperated all I can hope for is to cross the finish line.

Great attitude.

So I got up early the next morning and went to school so I could hand it in. On my way home I actually ran into RyLai at Union. I was hiding out on the stairwell, playing solitaire and listening to Van Halen* and he came up and sat down. Apparently he decided to skip out on the rest of the day, by chance arriving at the station while I was there. So we spent the train-ride (and ensuing bus ride) having one of our classic inappropriate public conversations.

(*Over the weekend I was so bored on the way home that I noted down songs I'd like to see in the next Guitar Hero game, then when I got home, downloaded the ones I didn't already have... there was some Van Halen on there.)

Then I got home, back to my shitty house and life. And if you think that's just me being hard on myself, let me assure you I'm being quite literal... Grandma had been kind enough to leave Xena with us, and she and Max took turns making a mess of the place. So yes, Monday was a shitty day indeed.

That's not to say today hasn't also been rough. The various frustrations and annoyances have been adding up, particularly in regards to a couple things: my film study project (due next tuesday) and this scholarships thing. I finally went down to the awards/admissions office (a big scary looking old building) and was tyold they had no fucking clue what to do, the problem is with Sheridan. I suspect this is not going to be taken care of favorably. I have to go down to Sheridan sometime and the news will probably be bad, but at least this godforsaken ordeal will be put to rest.

Like, I can't properly express how fucking frustrated all this makes me. My entire life is going about as smoothly as an axe to the head right now.

I wish there were something good to report. I wish I could say I were on top of things or that I'd done something lately that I was proud of or satisfied with. The fact of the matter is that it's probably even going to get worse before it gets better. I haven't done much writing lately, only thinking about writing. Just been a friggin' miser.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Don't really want to face the world. But there are things in this life, dear, we must inevitably face. And how we take these things is what defines us, I suppose.

Life sucks (blahhhh). I wish I had some inspirational words to comfort myself. I think I'll just sit in misery for a couple more days and then see what's what.

Sorry for the downer post. Someday we'll look back and laugh (I often do.) Right now all I've got on my side is rock n' roll.

But please, out there, for my sake, keep on rockin'
-Scott