M: Every sound on Earth

It's nearly midnight on Sunday night and I'm sitting on the computer thinking of friends.

Something hit me in the middle of this week, drudging back up old anxieties. In these apocalyptic-seeming times, it can be hard to keep your shit. Wednesday was rough. Makes me regret ever missing school. Here at the end, it feels like dropping out and moping around the house -- only breaking to go to work and maybe occasionally, if I'm lucky, do a little writing -- is the only answer. I wouldn't be happy then either, still longing for that missing something, and in that case owing shitloads of money for an education I did not even complete. I can't over-dramatize it, though. Seems like lately, hardly a week goes by where I don't obsess over the sordid state of my life and let it ruin an entire day. I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I'm doing what I can.

So on Wednesday, when I was feeling low, I went and saw Vasa. I have more or less a standing agreement to hang out with her on Wednesday afternoons when neither of us are in classes, but it was only the second time I'd been over. Admittedly, our interactions have gotten less active lately, as she's mainly holed up in her room and I join her and we talk about school and life and she brings me up to speed on her life, also known as my new favourite show. (It had a really good season premiere, but the follow-up wasn't as notable.)

A little later, I got a message from Joe. I mostly only see him when he has a show on, but in addition to seeking cover suggestions, he reached out for a hangout. The cover thing was a cool idea of his to kick himself out of his own creative rut -- asking friends like me to suggest a few different songs for him to cover, and he'd pick one of each person's suggestions. I gave him a few varied selections, including The Coral's Liezah, Dark End of the Street (sending him the Richard and Linda Thompson version,) Take Me To the River (citing both Talking Heads and Al Green), Joel Plaskett's Through & Through & Through (unrealistic, I suppose, for a mere acoustic arrangement) and the song of mine he ultimately picked, David Gray's Babylon. It's a nice song, which often comforts me when I'm anxious or upset (let go your heart, let go your head, and feel it now.) Like Overkill by Colin Hay, it's one of those songs whose outright simplicity and sweetness is a pure virtue. It wasn't all that surprising to see Joe pick it, given how comfortably it sits in his style.

Anywayzx, in addition to the cover request, he wanted to see if a hangout was possible, and of course it was. We ended up meeting up on Saturday, which was convenient as Manda was busy with her puppy (or so I assume, she never clarified but that's usually what's going on with her.) Imagine what's going to happen if she ever procreates. I'll have to give up on ever seeing her! Kidding, they allow babies at the mall, although sometimes I think they shouldn't.

Joe and I sat around, talking about our attempts to make our way in the world, his music, my writing. Journalism. Jobs. He brought along some resumes, since part of the premise of our hangout was that he wouldn't mind coming to HMV to work as a holiday temp. I told him I'd do what I could to make that happen, since he'd be as good as anyone else in the role, and I'd like to be able to work with a friend. So I brought him down to the store and introduced him to Karen. Karen noted we'd taken on probably all the temps we needed, but I said, "Well, just in case." She seemed happy to at least entertain the notion that she might eventually hire him, although I think none of us is necessarily counting on it. He also handed a resume in at EB Games, where we later wandered.

We had some good talks, it was nice to catch up, to share points of view, to commiserate.

Lately, I'm dragging. I'm unengaged. There are things I am aware of myself not doing but can't bring myself to correct. Papers coming due, readings I don't do. Wednesday, as I was having a meltdown inside, it was hard to be moved by my TA when he kinda sniped at us for being unengaged. He claimed that most of the anonymous feedback he got, when he asked us for it a few weeks back, said that things were fine. But we were all very quiet and unresponsive. I can't be sure, but I think I wrote something on my feedback sheet saying he needed to do a better job guiding conversations. I don't think he gets it. I don't think he's a good TA. Nice guy, not a good TA. Last year I had 4 classes, none with TA's, I was happy, I was engaged. This year I have three TA's, and I would rate them as bad, okay, and quite all right (Film, US Studies, Anthro.) My Anthro TA knows her stuff, and she runs the classroom well, although it always seems to be disconnected from the lecture, this is not her doing. For her part, she's peppy and doesn't get too visibly annoyed with the guy in class who is always bugging about shit.

The US Studies TA is inconsistent. Maybe that's just because I am inconsistently engaged in class. This week we had a guest lecture from Rob King, and I was happy about that. The TA, like most TA's (in the soft sciences and non-sciences) often seems nonplussed. The discussions are always lively.

It's rare that I've ever looked at a TA I had and thought "What a great job he's doing!" In second year, there were a couple of film TA's who seemed to get it. They don't have enviable jobs. They have to mediate between the professor and the student. They're students themselves. Often, the students are like me, uninterested in discussion, unsure what to talk about or ask about.

It can't be easy to TA for film theory. I don't want to be there and I suspect many classmates agree. The readings are onerous, the films weighty. The material is so abstract. It's everything I hate, and I just kinda got trapped into it and by the time I realized what the deal was, it was too late to back out and still graduate. If I drop it, I am still technically a full-time student (with a shitload more free time) but I have to make it up with SOMETHING next year. I haven't ruled this out, but still: wurrrgh.

We all have problems. I gave myself a Charlie Horse Saturday night that lasts right up to the present moment. It was hard getting to sleep or getting up the next morning. Eff emm ell.

The good thing about the weekend has been that I got some writing done, blasting through a bad patch of writer's block. I just couldn't reconcile how to launch from one thing to the other in this script, and though I may not utterly love what I ended up with, just getting it out on paper is half the battle. On that note, I think I'll take a look at it and see what more I can do.

Or maybe just load the dishwasher and make a sandwich for tomorrow. What more can be done? It's after 1:30.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto