Eighteen: Step in

It's funny. I have never really been shy about sharing my poor mood here - I've wreen far more about being sad or frustrated than I ever have about being happy so if anything the opposite is true
 But tonight as I find myself with a few minutes, which I have elected to spend blogging, in the dark of my bedroom as usu, I find myself strangely guarded. Like I shouldn't get into it. Perhaps tis is maturity, or perhaps... the opposite.

I have been glum, and there's a lot making me that way. I do think I'm more sensitive and melancholy in fall. I think I'm touchier.  There are a lot of potential triggers here in this specific year you know. Mel and I have been quarrelling lately over what on tb
He surface is minor stuff but beneath that, relates to my fear that she doesn't see certain feelings I have as valid, and would rather I not have them because it's hard for her. Therein lies my guard since I hesitate to speak ill of my relationship. By and larve I'm happier now than 5 years ago, and tough times come naturally in any pairing, but to acknowledge that feels like a failure.

The wedding is coming up, so that's a flashpoint for conflict, but it's only representative of other things. Yes, once ot os removed from the equation a huge stressor will be removed but other things will rush to fill that space. That is when we'll know what our relationship truly is when you get down to it.

Family has also been difficult to negotiate, and sometimes I wish Mel were less rigid on some of those things too. I drove muself nuts trying to make everyone happy. Not everyone returns the favour.

Looks like Grandma will be out of the hospital soon, which is incredible.

I've had some annoyances at work, spread a little too thin, but I've worked to manage that. Again, soon we will be out of Q3 and I will have 6 months or so of peace in our time.

It all can't happen soon enough. The thing that compounds this is not having time to write, freedom just to daydream. I still do tbe X-Cerpts since they're easy and fun but nothing like getting your own shit out on the page. The problem that nobody seems to understand is that you need to reserve so much mental energy to do that and life soea not afford that. I feel bad for having so many friends at work who like seeing me at lunch - and whom I like seeing. All of them would understand if I took a day for myself but I haven't even felt up to it lately. So it becomes a vicious cycle.

I broke it tonight by finalizing some TPI Posts I had drafted. That was a big because even though they are off the books in a way, they get out there immediately to an audience., which is intensely satisfying. I have plans for the final beats to my years-long story, but I'm behind on that. Conventionally, I have not been writing much at night. My brain is too fried and trying to reactivate it enough to write has, I believe, led me to miss out on sleep for a whole night. I was nearly asleep, sitting up in bed when I decided I was going to push through and, in this instance, I was glad I did. I feel much better now than I did 2 hours ago. And now I can rest easy for a week or two while I regroup. Or perhaps I will capitalize on this momentum, I haven't decided yet.

This post is very elusive. I think I'll leave it. On that. It's sad thoigh that despite oressig theough, my guard remains up, even knowing this blog is a virtual secret frkn the world at this point.

Keep on rockin
Your unreliable narrator Scotto