Seventeen: A Flicker Around Now

It has been a strangely eventful few weeks, such that I'm not sure that, sitting quietly in the dark at 11:45 on a worknight, I should be taking the time to relate it all. But I find myself not sleeping, and just refreshing sites where I have posted hoping for acknowledgment. I think the healthy thing to do in that case is to turn to the thing I do specifically not to be acknowledged. It was this or work forward on my X-Men blog, and that's gotten a lot of my attention lately. (Creative writing mostly gets the shaft - I feel too worn out at night to commit to it, and if it's good I get too energized from doing it.)

I've been saying for days that the next chance I have to update SWP I should, and here we are. A long way from the years of nightly posts about "life sucks blahhhhh" but not too far removed from "gorsh I never post anymore."

Summer tilted tentatively into Fall. We had picked that chilly weekend to go to the trailer, but there were a few scorchers left including one weekend where it was deemed too hot at Nonna's to even eat outside. We watched Rocky III and IV with her and played cards, which we all enjoyed.

The weather has settled into a consistent autumnal chill. I confided to Tony, and Amanda separately that that leaves in me a teeny tiny version of Seasonal Affected Disorder - not enough to disrupt my life, but definitely enough to change my mood, make me more sensitive, touchy, melancholy, wistful. I told Manda I was often happier in the dead of winter, all bundled up and miserable with snow, than for September and October. I'm not right during these months.

I told Mel too, of course - she has a right to a head's up. Not sure she took it seriously but we did use it as a point of conversation. She loves fall, and of course the things she loves, she doesn't get why I might not love them (fall, having career aspirations, gym.) But I love her, so I can endure lots for that.

I can feel lonely in fall even when I am with people. Of course I have often felt lonely when I wasn't alone. It's an introvert's curse. A few weeks ago was Mel's Bridal Shower. Lots of women were there to celebrate her. Her family, her friends, my family, her family's friends. I spent the day with Unc and Papa H and Jeff and Uncle Gary and Ryan watching the Patriots-Bills game. This is the kind of thing I do for other people, because - and I cannot stress this enough - I do not give a shit about football. Or hockey, and only marginally basketball, and a few degrees more than that about baseball because of childhood nostalgia. But watching sports together is the only thing males of a certain generation have, and I really want to show my appreciation and deference and bond with them, so I watched and did what I could to get into it, despite not knowing, or caring about, the ins and outs of the game. Mel and I had the Patriots in the pool (against my preference but not against my will - they win a lot.) But the Bills covered the spread.

It was sad because while Mel was involved in a gathering that was for her, I was involved in a gathering that was for... everyone else, I guess? I mean if it were up to me how to spend my Saturday afternoon, and I had to not pass it alone, maybe I'd watch bad movies or old wrestling with my brothers. Something stupid that I enjoy. But the previous day Mel had gotten her hair done so I got my requisite 2 hours in Starbucks to write and dick around, so I was content then.

The tradition is that I show up at the end of the bridal shower with flowers and a card. The reception I got was extremely warm, all the women there seemed happy to see me, That was welcoming and nice. Really soothed me. I got the scoop on how everything went. Mom caught up with Nonna (they had hit it off at the Paradiso dinner) Mama H loved meeting Grandma.

The following weekend had Mel and her mom going to Richmond Hill for a dress fitting. I got to spent an afternoon alone and then catch up with Isiah, who was meeting me after board games at Tony's. It was a great couple-hour chat, in contrast to a brief interaction Mel had with an old friend recently where he gave her 45 minutes of small talk and went home to watch the Leafs game.

That Friday, we had gone home to see Dad for his birthday, which was a quiet evening. Stressful since we had to get home and go to Oakville after work, then come back to Toronto for the night since we weren't staying. We had been in Oakville too much lately and needed the time just to ourselves (to clean, largely in preparation for Mel's Mom's visit.)

I had seen my Mom the weekend before the shower, to pick up childhood pictures for a display. We had thought they were going to be used in an age-guessing game but they were just decorations. I had told mom we were just stopping by, but she thought we would be staying for dinner, a miscommunication that saddened me.

You can give so much of your time to other people and still end up shortchanging some of them, at least to where they are let down.

A few days after Mel's mom's visit, my mom texted to ask if I was aware Grandma had been in the hospital since Sunday. I was not. At that age you always need to be prepared for the worst but you never know until you confront it. Just that same day, Manda had told me Bryan's papa had passed of a similar ailment at a similar age. The coincidence made me edgy.

On Thursday mom called again to update me on the seriousness. We made plans to go see her on Saturday. That very night we had to go to the FedEx depot to pick up a package for Mel. I was dazed. She was headachey and ill-at-ease. We eschewed the Uber we had planned to use for a round trip because his aggressive driving style (common to all Toronto Ubers) made Mel ill. We took the bus back, which Mel later said she didn't mind so much. Not too long of a trip, even. Went right to our house. We got off a stop early.

Saturday we went with Eric to see Grandma. The seriousness of her situation had been downgraded, which was a weird thing to process. She was sitting upright in a chair, she had had some food. Dazed and confused from all the treatments, she wasn't entirely sure who she was talking to or maybe what year it was, but that'll happen.

Who knows what kind of hard decisions must be made. She has been the hub of our family for ever and it will hurt to lose her, and it hurts waiting for that time, too. But she was bright eyes and conversational at least on Saturday. Aunt Marj was there, which was nice - it was good to see her after a very flagrant missed connection concerning her invite to the Bridal Shower. That made me sad, too. After, Eric, Mel and I went to grab a quick pre-dinner bite at the Port Credit Loblaws.

That day also featured a bizarre event where I tried to run back to our apartment to grab some decaf pumpkin coffee for Mel to have at her parents place that weekend (Thanksgiving) and then rush back down in time for the train. I would have made it too if I had given Mel a different instruction on where to meet. Alas we wound up on opposite teamways, and by the time it was fixed - and I rushed across an entire train station to get to her - she was on the train and away.

I was very upset, but it had been a trying few days.

The Wednesday before, we had had our first marriage bootcamp session with our officiant, Priya. It was very revealing, very emotionally raw, but not in any kind of negative way. We talked about communication, our style of partnership, raised the kinds of questions that should be raised before you enter into commitment (and thankfully largely have been.) The only shocking takeaway is just how badly my own lack of ambition in life throws Mel, who would prefer I had a similar drive to her.

Well, don't marry a Buddhist then. Me, I'm okay with what I am and where I am and how I am it. That said, maintaining my relationship comes first, so I'll try anything to ensure its health.

Later on Saturday - sorry to jump back and forth but I have to use tangents because it's a lot to try to pin down chronologically - we went to Dad's with Eric and Brandon. I liked this gathering more than the one that was just Mel and me and them. More elements, more fun. We got Dad's SNES Classic out and each took a turn. Well, Dad, B and I did.

No sound though since it was hooked up to the computer monitor.

Proper Thanksgiving was at Uncs as usual. After the big meal, Mel napped at length and I read. I hope she didn't feel too bad about not taking a walk since I know she wanted to (this thing of having done something once and wanting it to be tradition. I do it as much as anybody.) The food was great and there was plenty of it. Unc and I split a radler. Mel and Nonna trounced me and Mama H at cards. After Mel's parents went home, Mel and I stayed to play Exploding Kittens with Unc and Sherlie, then watch 90 Day before they gave us a lift back to Mel's parents place. We were ushered home the next day.

We spent the Holdiay Monday in idleness. I did some necessary tasks and some unnecessary ones. Doesn't feel like too much of a waste, but it could have been more. Mel was sad I let her sleep so long but it's hard to get her up. Unfortunately, she didn't sleep well the ensuing night and had to stay home stick today.

Monday night we got the Proper SNES out and played some games - particularly Zombies Ate My Neighbors (Halloween fun!), Mario 1, and Kirby's Avalanche.

Here I have related almost everything relevant about the last few weeks, minus anything at work, which I easily could have slotted in on the theme of reasons to feel melancholy. That will have to wait - the moment has passed but it will come again. It's late and I've been at it a while and now this is all off my mind, which is nice.

I didn't drink tonight. Most nights I have one beer - my tradition from well before I met Mel, which I resumed only after we moved here and found myself tossing and turning after drinking something sugary with dinner. Is it healthy? Unhealthy? I don't know, but it usually works. You've gotta do something. I'm not a "Water" guy. I drink it right at bedtime but not usually with meals. We'll see how I fare tonight and in the morning. I'm tired but maybe not sleepy. Part of that may be staring at a screen, typing, and pouring out every detail of my month for an hour.

I could go on longer but we've been circling the block for about 3 paragraphs now.

Before too much longer, keep on rockin
-Scotto

IMPORTANT CLERICAL EDIT: The Memory lies. Here I have described the trip to Nonna's where we watched Rocky movies, but that had already happened on Labour Day as of a previous post. I think on the randomly hot weekend - where I think we all also accompanied her to church - we watched football. But who knows? It's gone. These words didn't catch the moment in time.

KOR-SAW