10:36 AM: I didn't sign the guestbook but I was there

It feels a little like we have a purely ramshackle existence these days. I scrounge up my free time in the morning on weekends while Mel snoozes. We bumble through whatever necessary tasks and then we go to bed. Right now we're in the midst of all this fertility stuff and it feels so... hard. Mel asked me last night if I thought it was worth it, and I said of course. If we gave up on the idea of having kids I'm not sure what we'd do with the rest of our lives. And I really don't think Mel would be satisfied. Right now there's no time to lose, and we are making progress. It's just that day to day life seems so... dull and gray.

Yesterday was the funeral. It was a very strange experience because it doubled as a reunion with some of us from Spring Valley who hadn't seen one another in over a decade, which was joyful and a little awkward as we tried to find ways to cover the last several years. I overdressed a bit in a suit and tie when I probably could have gotten away with black jeans. Jon was particularly wowed that we came, Crystal was glad, Alison almost seemed like she could take or leave. We drove mom, I think she felt awkward because of people she knew there, it was mostly just dad and Deb and she wasn't going to spend much time with them -- in fact she noted afterward that dad pretty much snubbed her without so much as a greeting, which is weird to me. Like, they're adults, be civil, you know? She did run into someone she knew from SVP, Gary. It was a whirlwind, I did end up bantering with Alison afterward; our whole friendship was pretty much based on sassing each other anyway. There were the usual promises of "You know what, we're gonna keep in touch" and I was sincere, but we'll see. I also told Eric we should hang out sometime without parents around, because it feels like we only get together on occasions with them and it's different.

We came home, had a light snack (after having had a light lunch at the wake) and Mel crashed. I let her snooze probably too long which meant in the evening she was going to be wired and I was gonna be tired. It's good training for when we have kids, don't do that.

We had apps and leftover Pad Thai for dinner -- Friday night we had finally gone out to Art of Pho, a place run by Mel's usual nail stylist's boyfriend, although we didn't get Pho. We made a whole outing of it since I had to get my haircut ("He made the decision on his own!" Mel boasted to Eric, "After we commented on it...") and buy some new shirts to replace ones I had gotten rid of. We did some paperwork but got stopped up at the part where they started asking about the medical history of everyone we've ever known. We watched a bit of show but I was getting tired so we switched it over to a movie we had seen before -- the Five Year Engagement, which Mel like an inordinate amount but sure there's good laughs in it -- and that oddly woke me up. After an hour or so, we went to bed, but Mel wasn't that tired so she had me sleep in the other room because of snorin'. That's life.

What are we gonna go?

Today, I think we thought we would be in the garden, but it's gray and wet so who the eff knows. We never got around the planting our annuals and now half of them are dead -- which is actually impressive because it means half of them are not dead. I didn't put down new soil or mulch either. Honestly, I attribute it to the need for us to do everything together and her not always feelin' it. If she said, "I'm gonna peace for a bit, would you mind taking care of the garden?" I'd have zero problem. But also we've been so occupied lately and that's not changing soon. Next week I'm helping Brandon empty his storage locker, and also it's Father's Day so who the eff knows what we're doing. I told my barber I felt like summer was already gone, and she said not to think of it that way. Gee thanks.

I also need to clean the barbeque grills.

Somehow I've found some time for writing, sporadically. I don't know how I do it. Or why I do it. Or what I'm doing. I even felt moved to do my first Sewerman comic (in strip form) in a while. Made me laugh.

Keep on rockin' though

-Scotto