31: Thisconnection

I had another title in mind for this post, which will sit in my pocket for next time. Tonight I was noticing my charger wasn't charging. Was there a problem with my phone? With the cable going into the adapter? The adapter into the extension cord? Ultimately it was the extension cord that had come loose from the wall. Funny how many connections are required to make a thing go, and if any of them is out of wack -- from the first to the last -- there's no charging.

I need to take myself to task a little bit. I know I've been lollygagging and leting myself off the hook for it but I saw concern from Mel about money for the first time since I quit and I'm troubled. "You need a job," she told me, resignedly, as if I didnt know. I do know but sometimes it feels like I don't. Like I'm living in a fantasy land, pursuing unproductive hobbies instead of grinding away trying to gain employment. I do apply for jobs, but not every week, and I could definitely work on making myself a better candidate. 

This wasn't the post I thought I was going to be making. Can you believe, though, I briefly bought into the idea that I *could* make money at stupid phone games? I've extracted about $13 so far and with considerable effort.

The above was written last night to sort of clear my head of angst before bed, which was good. Now I'm slightly revitalized and clear-headed. That said, all of my problems from last night still exist, and now it's Saturday morning.

The major theme of the past few weeks has been our mortgage refinancing, which has been onerous and stressful. Painful even. There are a lot of moving parts, a lot of involved parties, a lot of papers to gather and sign. This is largely my responsibility since I'm the one with the free time on his hands (when not spent diddling with games or writing silly stories for pocket change.) But my mental acuity hasn't been sharp enough and it's caused some friction. It's just more on the ongoing theme of not feelign like I'm enough, and then proving it. 

I've just taken a break from writing this to apply for a job, a corporate communications specialist at Mel's company. I think I could do it and I think I'd enjoy it but who knows if I'm... sigh... "qualified."

I'm casting about in all different directions, trying to figure out what the world needs from me. It's pretty disheartening. 

While I'm already not at my best, the universe doesn't make things any easier by making errors on my behalf and just generally throwing complications my way. We ordered a new chair for Mel this week and she was all excited but one of the pieces was defective and now we have to wait for a replacement to arrive and who knows how long that will take. Various flips and flaps have surrounded the paperwork for this mortgage thing, only some of which is my fault but mostly is others (our insurance agent had our mailing address wrong.) There was a whole to-do about a $200 charge to get a status certificate that we didn't want to pay, ended up getting a deal to have reimbursed, and then didn't end up needing anyway (luckily I got a refund.) These things would be hard enough for somebody who had general confidence. Add to that our desire to, you know, just live our lives and enjoy ourselves.

I maintain that I would have almost zero problems in life had WFH never ended at my old job. Oh, I'd be disgruntled and on the lookout for a new job, but would I have up and quit? Probably not.

Alas, that is not the world we live in.

Anyway, the mortgage thing will be settled soon one way or another. My employment and money woes are less likely to end soon but it's time to pick myself up by my bootstraps (which is impossible anyway, the true nature of that expression.) I don't think anybody believes in me, myself included, but it's time to prove us all wrong.

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Keep on rockin'

-Scotto