R: The abyss gazes also into you.

This post's title from a Neitsche quote. I'm quite positive that I misspelled his name, but it's his fault for having a German name. And I've been meaning to look into the deeper meaning of the quote ("Battle not with monster, lest you become a moster, and know that when you gaze into the abyss...") beyond its poetic imagery, but I can't muster up the strength. I'm thinking of retiring to my SNES in a bit. These days, "Nightfreak and the Sons of Becker" is the inexplicable, esoteric, and all-around offbeat soundtrack to my video game playing.

1,170 words, (170 more than was necessary,) a half-dozen pages of research, an hour and fifteen minute of more-or-less solid writing, a can of coke and only five footnotes later, my midterm report on New York Times journalist Judith Miller is complete for J-history. I'm so glad the story got more interesting recently, or else it would have been dull as dishwater. I think I argued fairly well. One thing about me is that I can argue quite fiercely in an essay. Conversely, I would not have made a good debate team member because I am not particularly well-spoken. I need my fingers to act as a conduit for my thoughts, I can't say what's on my mind, it gets lost in a traffic jam. Despite this, I was actually (apparently) quite good at Improv. Oh the contradictions of life.

And my God was it easy. I had a tougher time relating Hamlet and Death of a Salesman.

I'm a little concerned about my J-History test. Dad grilled me on my unimpressive showing in the history test. I tried to put it in perspective for him, but he was in a mood to go off tonight. He also had this whole thing about my job, financial aid, etc, etc, etc.

I did much better on the Writing for Newspapers test today, I think. It was mostly stuff I knew and could deal with. Grammar, fact sheets, plus the same old stuff. I've only been at it for 6 weeks, it's already old hat. But J-History... that's gonna be tricky. We've just been boring into that class with names and dates and theories... it's hard to remember who said what when. And when I say boring, I do mean that in the sense of drilling, and also dullness. God bless the English language and its limitless supply of puns.

I feel like a villain lately. I've become very conscious of my personal karma and I don't want to do wrong to others (or myself,) but there are forces, I believe, that conspire to take advantage of this, even without knowing how consicous I am. I'm no villain. There was another word used that I hesitate to repeat, lest I break the barrier and God forbid encourage discussion of the issue. I don't even know what the issue is. I've been stonewalled. I don't want to be the cause of any illness out there in the Universe, intentional or not. There are things I must make right, only I don't know where to begin. Metaphorically speaking, I don't even know where I am.

I may as well admit it right now, I cheated a bit on my test today. Nothing important, just a little impromptu study session after the test had begun. I'll admit it freely to anyone but Jarrett. I used the computer's dictionary to assist me in some grammatical definitions. No big deal. Now that I've owned up to it, I can move on.

Between classes on Tuesday, this guy I've been hangin' out with asked if I had a blog. What an odd thing to ask, I thought. I don't use my blog in the way many people do - as a source for opinion of news and current events. It's just a personal sounding board to keep me from keeping my issues bottled up and going insane. It's not something I feel like advertising. Not that I'm ashamed, I jsut don't want people to assume that because I have a blog, I think I have anything interesting to say. I can only offer what this blog has ever provided: my life in text. Sometimes it's incredibly shallow, and occasionally, I'm told, I have a moment of philosophical revelation. Not often, though. So I gave him a dodgy answer that refused to officially name this as my blog.

Coward? Maybe.

Next week at Classic Bowl, a man is going to attempt a World Record 120 hours of consecutive Bowling. Yeah, right. I'll be there on the second day, probably to clear away all the cups of coffee this man will need. Classic bowl will remain open for 24 hours during this period. Thankfully, I don't have to work all this time, just my regular shift.

I ran into Sam Li again today. I've noticed that hardly a day goes by when I don't "see" someone. This is probably because Oakville is not a tremendously large place, and I just happen to keep running into people who are still here. Sam, she's a nice girl, someone I wish i'd gotten to know better while I was still at WOSS. And I have her on my MSN, but we never talk. You all have people like that, I'm sure.

There was this place I found (through someone's MSN name,) that lists all the people who have deleted/blocked you, and I was frankly humbled by the amount. The number was staggering. And these people, several of them did not even have the decency to block me first, so I see them come online and assume they can see me, too. How wrong I was.

Two more tests, three more classes... reading week, I can taste you.

I've got some pretty deep issues running through my head right now that I don't feel like tackling. And I think the SNES plan may have been a bust as nearly an hour has passed since beginning this post, and I no longer feel the need for the occupation. But the issues... just the belligerent thoughts of an idle mind. I had this half-a-dream last night about two girls I know getting into a disagreement over the internet about the advantages of psychotherapy. I have no idea what that is supposed to mean, other than pertaining to my recent studies concerning the "Church" of Scientology, and of course, my preoccupation with the women in my life (or, as they may be, not particularly "in" my life.)

I'd like to get back on that "villain" note someday, but I can't really deal with it now. I can only be as I am, and things can't change at the moment.

Keep on rockin'
Scott "gazing into the abyss" Williams