O: Don't read symptoms

Brilliant advice from the Newsroom. It's too easy to trick oneself into thinking he is suffering.

It's just one of those nights when I'm a little down, and I feel as though there's nothing significant about me and that there's no proof I've ever done anything important or ever mattered to anybody in particular. Not that I think that's true. It just feels that way.

I'm still trying to get a handle on things as I go along, and I think I'm doing much better than I was, say, 4, 3, 2 years ago. Even 1 year ago, although there was a period about a year and a half ago when I was really on the ball. And if I've moved at all in the last 5 months, it's in the wrong direction, but there's nothing we can do about that but rebuild, eh? At thanksgiving, I was talking about how I was really starting to get it in the last semester or two of High school, and Kyle agreed, seeming to have noticed a subtle yet very obvious transformation in my character.

There are things I would change, but changing them would present results that would be undesirable. And I can't really think about them specifically right now, but who wouldn't make a change here or there? That's life.

(Sigh) I've been faced with some very odd things lately. It's weird how I'm sometimes more interested in other peoples' lives than my own. Yet the lives of others, no matter how far physically removed they may be at this point, are still intimately intertwined with mine.

Y'know, I've been working on this confidence thing, but I don't think that's me. Wuold you want to read the blog of a confident person? Or am I fine, all complex and insecure and neurotic and obsessive and overanalytical?

I'd love to be able to walk into a room and "own it," but I don't see it in the cards.

All I can do is shake my head in disbelief at my life. I don't have any real problems, so I have to invent implacable psychological ones. I torture myself incessantly, holding it over my head. I look at my solitude as an obstacle rather than an end unto itself. Here I am, as Queen Victoria so famously said, "alone at last." Or something. And all I can think is "Gee, I wonder what ________ is doing?" More often than not it's totally uninteresting, and yet, it's news to me.

I'd like to go into more depth, but other engagements call, so tonights vaguely philosophical rant will be halted in its tracks.

G'night and good luck... won't you think of me once in a while?

Keep on rockin'
-Scott