F6: The Styrofoam Anniversary

It's been a nice, quiet day. As I mentioned earlier, I got the day off from class, and elected to go get comics, because a not-so-complicated series of events prevents me from doing so on Saturday.

I went at the same time Eric went to school, so we walked all the way from our house to the corner of Kerr and Speers. There was some friction between us, we had a comically absurd yet somehow heated conversation about whether or not I'd ever had pumpernickel.

I also paid what I expect to be my last visit to the lighthouse of the year. It was chilly down by the lake. I'd brought a jacket but didn't need it for most of the walk. I needed it there. It was not unexpected. I'm sweating now.

I also went to bowl off, for the same reason as I got comics. I saw a bunch of people I used to work with, including the guy who basically replaced me, two of my old managers, and Feria, the bartender, who for the longest time was my only ally in the whole place. She was the most especially excited to see me. We caught up and she mused about how I could and should come back to work there sometime. For reasons that to longtime readers should be obvious, I don't see it happening.

I think my major problem is that I have a problem with traditional authority figures. I can't respect the authority of any institution that would hire me - the Groucho paradox ("I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me for a member.") I get snippy and impatient when people try to tell me to do things. That's why Tim's was a bit of a trainwreck and I was never happy at Classic Bowl. I'm not that guy. I can do anything when I'm shown how, but for some reason, I hate being told to. The kiosk is such a good fit for that. Nobody's over my shoulder.

It's a problem. It's my problem. I should work on it, but for now, I needn't worry aobut it. It's a current non-issue.

I just want to stop feeling guilty about what I did at Tim H's. They really seemed to need people, and I just ran out on them as suddenly as I arrived. How long will it take for me to be okay with it? Factually, I know it's fine, but I've got this pang in the back of my head saying "coward!" A week? Two weeks of kiosk work? When I can stop fearing getting a call from Mary-Lou saying "who do you think you re, not showing up? We hired you, you signed all those papers, and your excuse is bullshit! What's the real reason?!"

We all have these insecurities inside our heads. I'm just a lot more up front aobut them. I'm not insecure about my insecurities. I'm not afraid to admit when I'm irrational. And this anxiety is totally irrational. I have nothing to fear. I'm harping too much on it. I'm a yutz for even typing this much.

Beyond that, an uneventful day I suppose.

Life ain't bad. I'm going to be working tomorrow, from 3:30 to 9. Looking forward.

And for once in my life I mean that.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotts