I: Personality crisis

I'm gonna get a little more philosophical today than I have recently.

I'm here at the Innis computer lab. It's been sort of my base of operations this year. Last year I alternated, depending on the day, between this and EJ Pratt, but I don't have as many classes by Pratt nowadays. I'm trying to figure out what I mean to do with myself. In the short term, in the long run. Just your usual identity crisis. This is far from the first, far from the last.

Not even a crisis. I'm not freaking out. I just don't know. I met up with Alyssa today, the first time in nearly a year we had seen each other face to face. I didn't have that much to say for myself and began to muse aloud about what I might do with my future. They weren't pre-prepared remarks - frankly I had no idea what we were going to talk about, only trusting (pretty much rightly) we would fill an hour or so with decent conversation. I speculated on the likelihood of discontinuing my U of T experience. Not immediately, mind you. Just wondering you know, what if I found something else to do? A job, a path? After all, the only reason I came here is that I lacked one after Sheridan. I just knew I didn't want to go try to be a journalist. I'm not saying I'll never be one, nor that I don't want to be one now. (Admittedly, that stuff isn't as fresh in me as it was at the time but anyway.) And what's the use of wracking up a shitload of debt if I find something better to do? That's just speculation, though. The reality is simpler: I haven't got anything better to do and I am living a very conventional life as a student.

But that's where the trouble lies. My student life is only one of several lives I seem to see myself living lately, in the future or present tense. It's just one of the things I do and not with any particular urgency, or as much interest as I'd like. I'm kinda detached. I don't hate it, I'll keep doing it, but what is it really? A way to fill the days and get credibility. My dad recently asked me, when I told him I was figuring on majoring in English and minoring in Cinema and History, what I wanted to do. I guess my only response could be... what else can I do? I'm still trying to hone my craft as a writer but admittedly, I don't do as much writing as I used to, not even close. I just think about what I could be writing and how I could go about it.

All the same, I'm here. I was hoping I could make the most out of it with the play but nobody's gotten back to me about it one way or the other. But that just brings me to my next point. It's about time.

Half-Past, after all, is very much a product of my high school life. It's a damn good play, I still like it, but my memories of doing it are very densely concerned with people from high school, many or most of whom I don't see on a regular basis, (Alyssa) haven't in a long while, (Ryan) or possibly never will again (Neabel.) But I go back to it because, at 16, I wrote what I still consider to be the best thing I've done. How about that.

I exert a lot of energy trying to keep ties with people I might otherwise lose. The coffee with Alyssa is a great example of that, because it did take some finagling to manage to meet up with her after a year without a real in-person conversation. It's in going to Hamilton when I can, or my recent phone call with Robyn or coffee with Amanda or going to see Joe play whenever I can. I have a few friends here at U of T, some of whom I have gone to such lengths to see. I was hoping the play would get me an opportunity to find more people. I don't even know. All these things and people are important to me.

What I'm saying is, I need to figure out how I want to live my life; if commuting or even being at school is right for me, or if I just feel like a guest, a non-entity. If I should just chain myself to my desk and do all the writing I want to and try to make it work. If I should just keep stalling.

It's confusing. This rant hasn't done anything but make that a matter of public record.

It doesn't help that I don't really know what the problem is... that I've said a bunch of stuff and I don't even know what's wrong, if anything. I don't even know if I'm bothered by any of it or if I'm in a bad mood or worried by anything. I just... am.

But... whatever. Keep on rockin'
-Scott