Nineteen: You should run

It's midnight. I'm about ready to wind down and turn in but I'm risking "missing it" tonight to write this. I stayed up to wait for the dishes and had hopes that I would do some writing but my head is foggy. Worse, I was on the heels of a perfectly nice weekend and now that good feeling has largely dissipated. I can't help but fixate on things that are bad.

Saturday was our big Bachelor/ette. In the run up to it, I was nervous and uncomfortable. We kind of got railroaded into this setup where the guys and I would have dinner with Mel's squad and then we'd go our separate ways. It kind of took all the fun out of planning my own night, and Eric had honestly been quite gung ho about putting the evening together. It also took potential invites for non-wedding-party people off the table because that's too many people and the second part of the evening would be beginning too late.

So I felt a little bitter. I have this hang up about how often I give up my own thing for the benefit of others, so to have this kind of taken out of our hands was annoying. Later it would be "We discussed, you agreed" but it didn't feel like a discussion or a choice. It was more like "Didn't I tell you? We're doing this."

On top of that, the very Type A Rielle - whom I normally love - had the gall to call Eric out for doing "jack shit," which I hated hearing since there was so little for him to do besides manage the guys. What knows he of midtown Toronto restaurants? What is there for two people to do? The insinuation made me annoyed and defensive of him.

On top of on top of that, I was worried about my guys in the setting as they're not really accustomed to... well, occasions of any type. How would they dress? Who would they talk to? Would they even eat? I was concerned both for their comfort, and my own. I had that gnawing in my stomachal pit.

This all sounds bad but it turns out good. Only after it gets a little worse. The guys were on the late side of barely on time, and we were faced with severe transit delays. I was worried that we would be holding up the proceedings but all the girls were late too - except Meagan - because they met at Rielle's and were caught in the same shit. We arrived at the same subway stop and opted to Uber rather than load onto the death shuttle. We apparently only got there a minute late.

The guys settled in. Kris talked my ear off about the usual subjects - how great it would be to do comics again, etc etc - as well as inquiring about several wedding related points. At first he and Brandon planned not to eat but once they saw it was essentially just good Chinese Food, they were into it. We ordered crispy beef, beef and broccoli, lemon chicken and ribs. I guess we forgot any kind of noodles or rice or veggies. Eric considered sushi but I had had that the night before. Some of us also had some tempura veggies.

The two sides of the table weren't very integrated, with the main interactions being between Eric and Meagan, and Manda ans Meagan, and when I went around the table introducing everyone.

Eric had bought the famous Groom Hat from Party City, as well as making a shirt with my Grade 1 photo on it that read "This Guy's Getting Married." The hat was Rielle's idea, the shirts his.

Given the late start, it was cut short and we parted ways. The Rec Room was fun but of we were being honest Dave and Busters in Oakville was better. Allegedly the best Rec Room is at Square One but we were far from there. I had a great night though and I was surrounded by people I love doing something we all like and celebrating me. Manda sat on the sidelines like a parent at Chuck E Cheese though.

The night did take a while to end, once I played every game I figured I was going to and got many beers in, plus shots. I wanted to finish up my credits and get more prizes though. We walked home in the rain, mostly drunk and very satisfied.

The end mirrored the beginning with transit issues as it became difficult to get an Uber at 2 am in tbe rain. The first guy made us wait 20 minutes and cancelled. The second guy went to the wrong  building but that was easily fixed.

Sunday was low key. I woke up sore but felt better once I got up and moving, had a coffee and watched some PVR Masterchef from Summer. Mel came home and flopped into a nap and netter herself a sleep hangover, after telling me a bit about her night. I watched a few matches off NXT I had heard good about- Matt Riddle v. Cameron Grimes, and Keith Lee vs. Dominic Dijak vs. Roderick Strong. That should do me for a while.

Monday nigbt, I managed to get writing kn a short story I conceived of weeks ago. It felt good to get moving on it and I feel like it won't take too long to finish, in contrast to my other projects which just seem to be inflating and resisting being brought in for a landing.

Problem is I can't seem to find time to continue. I want to declare writing day at lunch but can't seem to pin that down because of all the socialization. For what it's worth this was also the case at the old office, even though Tony would understand and likely encourage. AJ and Manda too.

The week was downhill. Frustrations at work. In part those are the negative feelings I am fixating on. One book keeps crashing into my life and, if we're being honest, bringing out the worst facets of my working relationship with one of my category managers. I honestly just don't think we click and I'm finding it hard to work around that. It's sad because this should be working better but in reality we're edging close to a similar situation with Kyle where, for whatever reason, I just don't want to see this person, but I know I have to work closely with them. I'm entertaining the notion of quitting, so you know it's bad. And I know she is not getting the best version of me either.

Ostensibly this person is only in this role for a limited time, but let's be real - is she going to go back to doing what she used to be doing? Or are they going to find her a role that somehow keeps her in contact with me? And what about tbe other person, who is on mat leave? Currently the Kids Dept has 4 category managers and a director because pf accommodating a now-returned mat leave. What awaits us?

The worst part is, they never solicit my opinion when considering performance in that role, even though *working with me* is, you know, part of it.

So these are the things that keep me up, along with garden variety anxieties. And typing this all up will likely contribute to my lack of sleep, especially finishing with it.

Today Mel and I submitted our marriage license application. Technically we applied online but we had to go in with ID and sign anyway so I'm not sure what the benefit is. It was a minor debacle, one of my usual cases of haplessness. We were running late already and got all the way there when I realised I had forgotten my passport. Doh. So I scampered back, frustrated and mad at myself, but Mel was oddly cool about it. Maybe she's learned I'm my own worst critic

 The process was not overly long. I rolled into work at 10:30, having warned Jess the day before that I would be "a little late." It was worse than I'd thought of course but nothing was said. Still, more key title frustrations, meetings and time consuming calculations mean that today was, if not a total writeoff, less productive than I'd hoped and more minor tasks fall by the wayside... which usually comes back to bite me one way or the other.

Yay. Looking forward.

Well, I've wrecked sleep tonight by maintaining my brain momentum. Let's see if I can beats the odds.

Keep on rockin
Scotto