Twenty: You're wearing the wrong shoes

I was thinking today, as I often have in life, about what would happen if I got amnesia, and completely lost my identity?

Arguably, I have more to lose at this point in my life than I ever have before of course, but even leaving beside all that, what I've often thought of is the resources at my disposal to learn about who I am and was. Things like Twitter, my writing, and this blog.

Naturally, I hope it never comes to that, because if I were to rely on those sources to rediscover my sense of self I would probably get the impression that I was miserable, that nothing made me happy, that life was full of complaints.

Of course this is not true. Not fully. Generally life is good. I do have pains and doubts about my place in the world, my relationship, my career path. I have my stresses and frustrations. I can be lightly misanthropic. But I am trying to enjoy my time here on Earth and spend it with a person or people who make me happy.

The upsetting things have always been the bread and butter of this blog of course. It's very hard to quantify when you're having a good day and examine why exactly it is. It's usually pretty self-explanatory and thus not usually worthy of record. Which is sad. All the bad days, the sad days, the frustrated days, those get noted with interest, in great detail. And of course there's the occasional seasoning of a navel-gazing entry like this one where I just write about how I'm always writing about how sad I am, written when I'm not sad.

I'm really only writing this because it's not yet 11:00 PM and I can't get onto Marvel Unlimited to source material for my next X-Cerpt (I'm planning on taking December off but that doesn't mean I can't tee up some of my posts for January.) But the reason doesn't matter.

I shouldn't stay up too late working on this love-fest, mind you. We have to get up early, Mel has a meeting, and I go with the wind. But my brain has not yet settled. Honestly, if I knew I couldn't have done any X-Cerpts, I would have tried to do some of my Slade writing but the "moment has passed" if you know what I mean.

We are getting closer and closer to the wedding. I am excited to have it done with. There are still details to put into place but by and large everything will be what it will be. Mel doesn't seem like she can be happy not worrying about the wedding. It does cause us friction. In fact lots of things cause us friction. That's nothing new - mostly our relationship is frictionless because I will it so and when I take the guards off that, sparks fly. Rugburn. Know what I'm saying? It's all on me, and maybe it shouldn't have to be, but I know what I need to be to make this relationship work and I am far too invested in it to let that falter.

A few weeks ago we had a massive fight because some of our wedding prep had coincided with what was going to be Eric's birthday. Fine, well and good, but the attitude with which this was conveyed really rubbed me the wrong way. A nerve was exposed and remained as such all weekend even as I agreed - not unwillingly - to go along with the plan. It just all played into a negative perception I have about Mel, perhaps unfairly but not (I insist) without evidence, that her feelings toward my family aren't as important to her as mine towards hers. I won't get into it any further than I already have. It will live in my memory like the rest of our important fights, part my fault part hers. I said something I really, really, really should not have, but when a nerve is raw, when you just can't fake it, the shit gets real. So be it.

We made up of course, although not without a tense night. Sometimes when we fight it really physically strains me. And you know, they say you should never go to bed angry but I do believe in sleeping it off.

That night we made our pinecone centrepieces. Mel had this whole conclusion drawn that these things weren't important to me, and it hurt that she thought that, I was determined to prove her wrong. In fact I was always very excited about the centrepieces, and the S'Mores, and anything else at the wedding that is ours to do and make. It's the co-ordinating of other people, of outside forces, that wears on me. That's my work, and I don't enjoy bringing it home, especially since at work I'm mostly left to do it on my own agenda. Well, when things are going well.

I liked the centrepieces, and am proud of the work I/we did. Mel wasn't as natural at assembling them, but Sherlie and I killed it.

The next weekend we met with our venue rep to finalize some details. The venue was set up for a wedding very much like ours, so it was easy to visualize what we are thinking of. From there we worked on getting a few other items. One thing that had been on my mind was a cake topper. I had thought I'd seen at Michaels, a cake topper of a bear and a bee, which are our codenames for each other (codenames sounds cooler than pet names.) But searching high and low turned up no such product and time was running out.

I had a crazy idea that we could do them ourselves. Out of clay, based on the drawings I always do in cards I give her. Even thought we have had only modest success working with clay in the past, to do the beehive honey pots that turned out all smooshed.

To her credit, Mel was game, so we bought a ton of bake clay and took it home. With only a little bit of input from me, Mel soon had her bee rolled and decorated with little stripes and wings and a stinger. My bear came together soon after, with a happy teddy face (I had envisioned blank, but went with Mel on that) and a big bear gut (not a reflection of my own self image.) They look great separate and together, and we're honestly so proud of how they turned out. Works of art, perhaps not, but impressive for our skill level and the time we took to make them. I made sure to reach out to our baker to confirm they would sit well atop the cake.

That made me happy. The winter weather makes me happy - a fine transition from the glum fall feeling I always experience. Being nearly through with holiday execution at work makes me happy. Getting ready to be married to this person makes me happy.

Altogether, I feel good, and I want to bask in it.

The conflict does feel a little more interesting on this blog. You don't need to know I came home today and made a good meat loaf after having our gym session canceled, then we watched 90 Day Fiance. But the good times are worthy of observation in their own way. Those subtle, sneaky good times. You hear about the times we fight because those are action, but you don't hear about the endless hours cuddled on the couch, constantly kissing and saying I love you and you're beautiful and feeling good. That's my reality. That's what I'm here for.

Keep on rockin'
Scotto