#11: Roll the dice (Or, One bad turn....)

I came to the conclusion today that I'm a pretty angry guy, deep down. I mean, I normally play it pretty mellow, but when I get mad, it's often in an instant and quite violently. And sometimes I'll just wander around all day in a bad mood afterward. But usually that doesn't happen, unless I am subject to repeated rebuffings, as I was today. They have to come in pretty rapid succession to really break me, but when they do, I'm ready to explode. I'm not going to go over all the anger-inducing stuff in detail, but suffice it to say, I was in a pretty bad mood, on two unrelated occasions today.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't like being told to hurry up. I realize that a lot of people deserve to be told that, but I feel like I keep a pretty good pace. I know my shit and when I don't, I'm willing to recognize it, but most of the time I've got a good enough handle on things to realize when I'm behind, and usually am taking the neccessary steps to rectify it. Fundamentally, I'm mad at Mrs. R, the lady who pseudo-works in the Servery, for violating this personal trust in me.

Rare is the occasion when I actually hate a teacher or school staffmember. I find that most of them are reasonable people. Some of them, like Irvine or Mendes, are just incompetant and intolerable. I don't know what Mrs. R's problem is. I've noticed, however, that she has a pattern of behaviour, that is basically a problem with her personality. She's a bossy control freak-type. What it boils down to is that she prefers to remind people that she's in charge, even when you know better than she does. Personally, I'd prefer it if she minded her own fuckin' business and didn't stick her nose in the goddamn kitchen. Hopefully, she'll never read this. With my luck, she will, somehow. That doesn't even make sense.

Note that this is not to be confused with Mrs. D. Mrs. D, or "Alicia" to some, is the nicest lady and has been nothing but forgiving and helpful to me. She's tough when she has to be, but doesn't go lookin' for people to bitch at, like Mrs. R. She prefers to keep things civil. Personally, I'd prefer it if Mr. Zehr were still running the South side, but the administration figure dotherwise. Well, they're stupid. What are ya gonna do, eh?

Angry and frustrated. Like I said, it's just a lot of things that happened in a cluster that started pissing me off. Usually I can let a single, isolated incident slide but I can't take the rapid succession.

I've been thinking a lot about something kyle said, that I jsut don't get. Yesrtday at lunch, we were discussing Scotland, and basically, why would anyone ever go there? And I said "Hey, if I had some chick in Scotland waiting for me to do her, I'd hop on a plane lickety-split" (not actual quote.) Well the conversation continued for a brief time about my sexual inadequacy, before Kyle said something that didn't make sense, and that wasn't even elaborated upon. He insinuated that there were plenty of girls out there who would... you know. And he didn't say it like someone might say "there are plenty o' fish in the sea." It was like there were names. And I'm tempted to believe him, but I sincerely doubt it. It's been gnawing at my brain for a couple days, starting to really bug me, wondering what he meant by that. I don't have the kind of brain that could just brush that type of thing off.

Oh, I haven't mentioned Jess or Angela in this blog post. So I will now - nothing much has been happenin' lately with those two. Josh, Kyle and I - with Hilary as our driver - did happen to "ditch them" to go to McDonald's today at lunch. I had a happy meal. And then for Dinner I had essentually the same thing, minus the toy and watery drink. hm, perhaps my agitation has to0 do with the excess of artery-clogging McDonald's-grade beef in my lungs. This happy meal after today's "Ham Fun Kit" lunch I had packed. They might not be filling, but at least they give a steady foundation of food on which to base your day.

Been writing songs, although I don't think I'm at my height of inspiration these days. I find I write better songs when I've got someone to write about, and I haven't had that in years.

My morale is pretty low these days. I don't know if it's been getting lower, or the passage of time is just starting to get to me, but you know; just... fuck.

Fuck.

That's all I get.

Fucked.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott F'N Williams