#13: Can't I just be nothing?

Another day, another evasion of working on Sewerman, yet somehow another chapter of Metaworld.

And what a strange and disheartening day. I'm starting to dispair, y'know. I had this horrible dream last night. My dreams, when I remember them, are usually extremely vivid, and this was no different. However, while most of my memorable dreams involve strange, metaphorical imagery, this was just one of those straightforward dreams people have.

It started on a stage. It was a school production of Hamlet. There I was, sitting in the wings, distressed, because I could swear I'm supposed to be onstage. It's Act 1, Scene 3 (or whatever Hamlet's first scene is) and I can't remember if I'm supposed to be playing Hamlet or Laertes. So I walk out there and just look at the crowd and launch into "O that this too, too solid flesh would melt..." and freeze, since I honestly can't recall anything past that. So the audience just starts reciting it in unison (which is particularly unsettling since I legitimately don't know it, so whatever they were saying is pretty much just gibberish,) as if to mock me and my forgetfulness. And then someone from my English class - I won't say who - just sits there, in the audience, laughing. And I just walk off, defeated. Then Rosser comes and talks to me, and obviously, he's not happy, but I have to go back up to my hotel room because I forgot something in New York (I didn't really.) And then eventually I woke up.

It was not yet 6, but I tossed and turned until the sun began to make itself known. At 6:30 I decided it was futile - I haven't been sleeping well lately - and I showered, then went out for some coffee. Then I went to school, sat in the caf, finished reading Hamlet Act 4, (that's where the dream comes from, English, not Drama ironically.) Then one person comes to join me and make minute conversation, and before you know it I'm surrounded by a squadron of people, none of whom I have any particular desire to sit with, although I've got nothing against them. And that was a bit frustrating, since I just wanted to leave.

And then it was English class. Holy katz man am I pissed about that. I was in a huge rush to get my Essay done with some time to spare, I killed my wrist and was cutting entire chunks of paragraphs, precis-ing left and right, totally re-wording arguments... the final product is quite a messy thing, and I'm not satisfied at all.

Nor was I satisfied that I had 12 minutes to eat lunch, but that was assuaged by my eventual feasting in Law.

And the day only got worse when in Writer's Craft Jai, through no fault of his own, stole my word for his vocab lesson, "acquiese." And he mispronounced it, "a-kweeze" (for those who are curious, it's "a-kwee-ess.") So I had to find a new word, which kinda sucks because I really, really liked "acquiesce." It's musical. Well, when you say it right.

At least Law wasn't too harsh.

At least people aren't unduly freaking out over the state of the Breakfast Club. Oh, wait, no, a bunch of people are, and it's totally uncalled for, and I'm sick of hearing it. Jeez, did I sound this bad when preparing for "Night Sessions," when I was freaking out left and right? Because I must not have been very pleasant to be around.

At least the rest of my life is going well. Oh wait, it's not. No, but good thing I re-examined those fershlugginer Bursary instructions or else Mom would've had some 'splainin' to do as to why I don't have a father. (Note: I actually do.)

But anyway... sorry kids, if I'm not happy-go-lucky these days. It's been a rough... year.

Speaking of which... it's been just over a year since I started this blog. Wow, hard to believe, but there it is, May 20th 2004-current. And all the major events of my life, and seemingly thousands of unimportant thoughts I've had along the way, all have been chronicled herein. I'm kinda proud I've been able to sustain this. To be honest, I think of blogging kinda like therapy. Everytime I type into the blog "blahhh my life sucks," it's one less time I go to a friend and dump shit all over them. Hopefully, I haven't done that in a long time, because I've had the blog to shit feelings all over.

Well, on that note, here's to one more. Hopefully in the coming year, you'll hear plenty about how bored I am, how fruitless my attempts at working in society are, and how badly I will fail at society.

To the new year of blogging!

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto