023: Delusions of Coherence

It's you, it's me, it's SWP, let's go.

We're working on moving. That's the big deal lately. I have to admit I'm not proud of my behaviour during the big clean up portion. I get pissy when my stuff gets messed with, even when I know it's for a good reason. I still remember - hell, I still feel annoyed by - the state of my room after I got back from New York in September. It's one of those things about still living at home, where I don't wanna have to remember I live at home.

When mom cleans, stress radiates outward from her and I pick it up and it makes me not want to help, it makes me actually want to be obtrusive or leave. I can clean on my own, actually. It's not that I don't know how to straighten things up, it's actually part of my job. However, I have this flaw where I don't straighten up things I know are destined to be messed up. Before we started showing the house there were things I knew were never going to be in "the right" place.

But now we are showing the house. We started before last weekend. It's stressful. I try to leave the premises when I know people are coming, not usually hard because of work. But there's the guys and Bella and food. One time we had to order dinner and finish eating it before people came for a 7:00 showing, and the delivery cut it close by taking an hour and a half. All my problems are first-world problems, but they're my problems.

Last weekend was Grandma's birthday. It was a strange gathering, conversation tended to be bleak. Grandma just put Xena down after a long period of uncertainty and suffering. And Aunt L was just about to put Brewster down. Nearly every time our family gets together we end up talking about dog death (this probability multiplies when in the presence of our cousins.) It's... therapeutic, it's natural, but it's a drag, man.

On Family DAy, the day after, Eric and I went to Toronto. Originally I was hoping to corral Manda into a trip to the CN Tower similar to how we went to the ROM on Thanksgiving, but she was busy. So I mentioned to Eric I still kinda wanted to go to the city and he was up for it. The weather was decent too. We walked up Yonge, then headed down Bloor through the Annex looking for somewhere to eat. Now, the downtown area is replete with eateries, but Eric had this vision of a deli-type sandwich in his head and we just didn't know where to go to find one.

We wound up at Sneaky Dee's, where instead of such a sandwich he ended up copying my order of a grilled cheese sandwich with bacon, the same sandwich I ordered in Brooklyn. It was pretty brilliant, with the right cheese and everything. It was a nice day.

Actually, just a few days earlier, Eric and I had one of our best nights out ever, and I say this because at no point did I feel embarrassed to be with him (because he was drunk and rambling.) He was actually in perfect form, or at least seemed fine since I was as drunk as I've been in months. we were out with Chantelle, Shannon, and two of Chantelle's friends I've met before. The girls took a number of smoking breaks, leaving us to talk amongst ourselves (at one point about philosophy of all things, as one had majored in it at U of T.) After the guys left, we all played pool and talked. Kyle was meant to join us but couldn't get in because he lacked I.D. The dynamic worked, though. Although I was initially hesitant, back in the day, to bring Eric into the work-friend dynamic, he gets along with them fairly well.

Things are strangely good, but I keep wondering to myself what it's going to take before I finally feel motivated to shake myself out of this stasis. I could coast as long as I need, but what I want is not to want to. Y'know?

Well that's my business. Keep on rockin'
-Scotto