17th: The Corner

It's boys night, let's do what we do.

Mel is off with Namita in the city for the night and will be staying over. I've gotten into a nice little routine for those occasions when Mel is away for an evening or (and this is rare) overnight. Usually it will involve ordering from Burgertone, the generally-okay independent burger place down the street that has favour with me not only because it's close but because it's music-themed. Then I'll often partake in an episode of AEW Dynamite, if it happens to have aired that week and be available on demand. Getting "back into wrestling" is an unexpected development but by the time Bryan Danielson came in it was impossible to ignore my curiosity. Of course, I always had a foot in that world, using various blogs and of course WON/F4W podcasts to keep tabs on things, to entertain me while I worked and, let's face it, because I never fully lost interest.

The other thing I do on boy's night is write. In fact, I'm writing this right now! While I'm watching the rassles. Something about being alone in the house makes me want to blog, because I guess I'm not very self-reflective anymore. My headspace isn't usually there. Which is nice, I guess I'm pretty present. Between work and the X-Men blog and the Patreon (which I may elect to end as a failed experiment in the new year) I've been pretty busy and maybe lost track of things, but we all go back to where we belong.

I was reading some old posts earlier tonight while waiting for my burger (I went in to order to save the restaurant the few bucks they lose to SkiptheDishes) from the time just after the wedding and at the hopeful beginning of the ultimately miserable year 2020. At that time I had made a promise to myself that I would get back to writing. And the truth is I did, and there were some result there, and I'm looking, in 2022, to expand on that. It didn't really take the shape I anticipated two years ago. But I did scratch an itch and now I'm at a crossroads. Keep going straight, go left or go right. Straight ahead there are some guarantees but very modest ones. To the left there's a dim possibility, and to the right a veritable pipe dream. It feels like there are only enough hours in the day for one direction or another, with the caveat that I still want to do the X-Men thing and the caveat to that that nobody wants to pay me for it. I thought I had a scheme that would appeal to people but I think I found the limits of their goodwill. It happens.

The thing about the road ahead is that I'm a little disenchanted about my moves in that direction. My energy is flagging and the promise of payoff for my work -- real and tangible -- is less exciting than it should be. I need to regain that momentum that I had in 2020 and 2021 somehow. but I think right now I'm just spinning my wheels, looking for the spark of inspiration. And by that I don't mean an "idea" -- I have tons of those -- but I mean that motivating force that drives you to success.

Speaking of which, work... is work. I'm thinking about opportunities, moves, etc. I'm in a better place than I was a year ago, which is essentially back to the place where I was two years ago, ready for...... something. Or at least open to it.

Other than all that internal strife, it's December and I'm struggling with Christmas as usual. Behind on shopping, low on holiday cheer, etc etc. It's been good though. We decorated the tree last weekend and that was really nice. Well, as usual there was a little bit of friction but I can't remember why or how and in the end all I remember is the satisfied feeling of a warm holiday tradition. Last week we went with Nonna to the mausoleum and visited Papa and Zio Filippo and of course Grandma. Hard to believe it's been two years since she passed. We spent the afternoon with everyone (well, Mama and Papa H and Unc) and it was a nice little Sunday gather. 

I don't know that I'm gonna "do" much beyond this... I'm pretty tired. I haven't been sleeping great. Sometimes you just get into these modes, I don't know. I'm drained form a long week and it looks like I'm using up the extent of my verbal clarity here in this blog, all to say... there's nothin to say.

\Well, let's take a rest and get refreshed and keep on rockin'

-Scotto

16th: Was it my mistake?

I'm feeling reflective lately, going through my rolodex of lives. I should celebrate this one right now, where I've got my own house and a wife who loves me and a good, if not necessarily great, job that I don't dis-enjoy. I've got some time to write, although it sometimes leads me to a crisis. I've got stability, and lots of coffee and I don't have to get out of bed until 8:45 every morning.

What's not to like about the here and now?

Some nights, like last night, I go to bed feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders. I just want the day to be done and have my fresh start tomorrow. I don't know why I feel so shittily. 

I was just reading some old posts from early 2018. There was something so nice about freefalling into life then. I was starting this job, Mel and I had just moved into the apartment, we were free to roam the city, we were away from our families, we had our own little lives (although we were back in Oakville constantly.) I don't know that I knew or appreciated it then but life was very exciting and strange. Yeah, there were downsides -- I was hugely insecure at work, and there were always routines and stresses of living with someone. But for a long period it was a status quo that worked. But you know, we had roughly two years like that and it was beyond time to end it in fall 2020 when we moved. 

By comparison, the suburbs are not a vibrant, engaging place. It has its challenges -- housework, errands, being close to family again. Constant renos, furniture-buying and other expenses. Figuring out what to watch on TV at night. Lately, Mel is really into Sex and the City. I could do without, personally but I humor her. I wonder if she would return the favour and let me take her through Doctor Who? (I doubt it.)

Weeks go by and by and by, but that was always true no matter where you are or how you live. I'm sleeping better than I used to even if I don't sleep well most nights (I usually wake up partway through the night needing to take a TUMS or an allergy pill or both, and then there's the crowding issue.) 

Every morning Mel's alarm goes off around 8 and then mine goes off about 10 minutes later and then I snooze until 8:25 or 8:35. Then I read on my phone for way too long (wrestling blog or Nathan Rabin or TimeHop or memes on Facebook) before grabbing a shower. Until recently I was skipping morning showers in favor of waiting for noon but I decided to make an effort to getting back to structuring my day once Mel got into the swing of things at work. This particular week Mel is on California time so she's working from 11-8. Anyway, under normal circumstances I work and work and do whatever at my desk downstairs from 9(:20)-noon or so, then we eat together, then I go back to doing (whatever I guess?) until 5. I make a faint attempt to clean and make dinner, or more likely just make dinner and increase the amount of mess. I like to play music while I clean and cook. Mel, if she's down, prefers to watch TV. There's no right answer. We eat dinner on the couch, even if it's soup, all of our clothes get dirty. We're getting Mel's parents' old table soon (to replace Nonna's old table) and we are going to try to make an effort to eat at the table more frequently. Which will help decrease the crumbs on the couch.

Big, if true.

Weekend mornings I write, and I moan about not having enough time to write, and lately there's a lot to do with out free time. This past weekend we went out trying to get Mel a coat. We didn't find one in her size and she ended up ordering one online. We also, before that, dropped off 7 massive trash bags of donate clothes to Value Village. We looked there for a coat, too, but no go. Did find a ceramic sloth though. That was after the day we spent with Papa H. This is an unusually quick turnaround time for posts on this blog. Don't get used to it, although I am feeling that much more reflective lately.

Now I'm going to go put some laundry on and take advantage of my last hours of "California Mel" to do some writing before it's time to start making dinner. It was going to be tortellini soup but now it's perogies. Mel never wants whatever it was we planned to have. Do you know how many times I had to reschedule fish night?

This is life, as we live it.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto