7th: Supposed

You know, I really was not expecting to write so much on here lately but I think given all I have been talking about it's probably not that surprising. Earlier this week, probably on Tuesday, some of my IA cohorts were having a talk about how to separate work like from home life, and how some of them get the "Sunday scaries" about going back to work. That really did used to be me, but now I feel more adrift on weekends and more sure of myself during the week, to where by the time Sunday night rolls around I am raring to get back to work.

Maybe it's partly because my attitude toward the work itself has changed. The "office" is not as much of a structured drudge as it was back in 2019. I feel free, yet tethered to the nebulous idea of work to fill my days. I have stuff to do but I am not obsessing over fulfilling my role to the utmost completeness. (Which is probably something that hampers my growth, but shrug.) Weeks are good and weekends are... well, they are. There's usually stuff to do and people to see. Now that we are tentatively coming out of lockdown perhaps for the final time as vaccines ramp up their presence in Canada, we are busying ourselves more and giving more of ourselves to others. I acknowledged this morning as my mom asked to see us next Sunday, "Well, it was a good year." Already it really does feel like we are letting ourselves get booked up constantly with trips to see various parents and peoples. It's not bad, it's just... I really enjoyed the time in my life where I absolutely could not do that.

Sometimes I worry not enough is being done on weekends. I let Mel nap all the time and then I take a little bonus time for myself. I already have my mornings, I don't need much extra time if I've got those, but it doesn't hurt to just sit and be. Except when it leads to existential crises or wondering what it's going to be like when there's three of us. I can clean but it feels unfair to take on that role while I let her be lesiurely. So nothing happens? Or not enough? I still clean the kitchen and do laundry. 

Last-last Sunday, we hosted Mel's friend Namita, which was fun. It gave us something to do. Mostly Mel and Namita sat out back and I joined them for a but until I felt I could break away - citing the heat or tiredness as valid reasons to go inside. I didn't really "do" anything without them, like play a game or write. If I were at my computer they'd see me near them and Mel would probably wonder why I wasn't with them. I didn't really feel the need to either, although I would have liked to, I suppose. Anyway it actually was a really good day an we ordered some fancy pizza from Son Of A Peach.

The next weekend we ended up hosting Mel's parents which became a sort of short-notice BBQ. As in, on Friday we had to go out and buy a BBQ and put it together for the next day. It was a bit of an adventure as we measured the various models for space requirements and cooking ability. We ended up with "The good small one," the better model in its smaller configuration, which was not the cheapest thing we could have done but my motto is always get the second-cheapest option. It became a bit of a to-do but in a good way and I was glad to spend the day with them; they're good guests. As the sun went down we played cards while the sounds of Stingray Remember the 70's played through the screen door. Somehow, Mama H and I pulled off a miraculous come-from-behind win by taking 10 tricks in the final hand. The next day we did more runaround, back to Canadian Tire, and picked up some stuff Mel had ordered from Staples including a filing cabinet, then spent the evening watching Bar Rescue, RuPaul Drag Race Down Under, and eating East Side Marios.

The week was... strange. Tuesday we did our workout outside. On Wednesday, the whole system went down at work so I couldn't do anything. Mel had wanted me to come to the city with her but I wouldn't have been able to because I had a big SF Store-reopening push due. With that no longer on the table I didn't really have the reason to say no (other than, I would have preferred not to.) I went along, but we were scrambling and missed the train we wanted to take, arriving in the city a half hour later than we would have liked.

While Mel worked I roamed downtown, walking down Yonge, stopping in at A&W for a burger, then walking to Bay via King and going to to Queen St. I stopped at Nathan Philips Square and played on my computer a while. Mel had to leave the office sooner than expected but that still only got us back to Burlington at quarter after 5. 

Friday we got our first vaccine dose -- finally, it seems like we're the last people in the world -- then went to see Mel's parents again. Another nice night, we ordered Chinese for an early Father's Day meal, and then watched Disney Pixar's Luca. (I fell asleep for a few minutes in the middle, the return of that particular unappealing habit.)

And now... today. It actually feels like a good day, given I got some writing done before we ordered breakfast, ran some laundry, got the groceries. But it still feels like I haven't done enough and time is coming due to get moving on dinner. 

Well, we'll see. I could probably dig in and analyze more, but the real world awaits.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

6th: Deepend

As always there are other things I could be doing on a quiet Saturday afternoon but I don't feel I can proceed with any of them today until I've unloaded a little bit here. What is it that makes me keep coming back to this blog lately, when I had gone months without? 

Last night things got a little serious. We've been talking more and more about whether to have kids. Well, it's not really a "whether" so much as a "when." See, we got married and this pandemic happened and frankly I don't think I would have been ready for a year or so under normal circumstances but now here we are. And I guess Melo is getting a little anxious strategizing on when to pull the trigger. By now we know plenty of people who have gotten pregnant and/or given birth in the pandemic and with things going the way they are it's not likely to be much of a factor for much longer, but it is still a factor.

Mel implied if not outright stated she didn't feel that I was "in this" (not a direct quotes despite the punctuation) with her. I wouldn't say that's fair, but she's reading the situation to the best of her ability. I do have concerns that give me pause, none of which really dampen my desire to have a kid. I want one (at least one) but I am afraid of the unknown, of transitioning from people who live their lives freely to those who are responsible for a small person for 18 years or so. And I am afraid of what it will do to our dynamic which, while strong, is not as invulnerable as people think. We tussle, we gripe, we feel bad sometimes. There's inequalities in labour and stakes, not always where you think. Then there's me, grabbing spare moments when I can to diddle on the computer about old comics or weird stories, knowing that having a child to care for might actually mean the end of that just as it was getting going. Then there's also my frustration about the roadblocks in my career path and not feeling like there's a true way forward, but it might not be possible to pivot to anything else at this point. For about a half a minute last year I thought I could win the lottery and write something people would pay me to do but it sure seems less likely today. I began 2020 with the ambition to complete something that could potentially make my mark on the world and that didn't quite happen, but I did do a lot that gratified me and put me out there. Which is all well and good, and I'm semi-comfortable with the idea that writing is not where the money will ever come from for me (which is a shame, and the world's loss) but that doesn't change the fact that I'm otherwise stuck in the mud.

And what a baby has to do with this, I don't know. I'm afraid of both changing the status quo and getting locked into it. But eventually that's what life is.

Weekend afternoons. They are just about the end of me lately, let me tell you.

It's not, then, necessarily that I'm not excited about having a baby. Maybe I'm just not so excited for my life in general right now. Which is existentially upsetting but what can you say. That makes these days no different than all but a handful of my life.

Once I wrap up this post, I'll have a smidge of time. Sometimes I think, "Oh, I should start writing a book" or work on that script I still have ideas for. But those things are so long-haul, believe me, the thing I've been working on all year has proved how vital it is to continuously have a source of writing time. That's why I have all these little projects that make me feel good to get done that I can fit in when I have time. It's not ideal, but it's... something that works.

I'm a little down on myself, for my prospects to truly achieve my dreams, but I'm not out.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto