XXVI: (Coping) Strategies

It's been about a year since I left my job. In some ways it's like I just left, but in others I feel that year. I feel it today as I look for possible openings to apply to and find nothing.

For most of the last year, whenever I would ask myself, "Did I do the right thing?" I could confidently say yes. I was depressed. I was burnt out. I was against the wall. There was no developing further for me. The organization seemed to be about me. I knew when I quit that I would not have an easy time finding something else to do. I hate it when I'm right.

There's a lot of experience that I don't have, and the paralyzing thing is that I would need to choose one type of experience to try to get, which is time I can't spend learning to be something else. Instead here I am, wasting time sitting still. And definitely not up to par with Katie Bar.

Not to wail too much about what can never be again, but that was what was so good about the WFH years. I could pretend to be a writer -- and even reap the benefits -- without sacrificing my steady paycheck. And without abandoning my wife. And ultimately that's what it's about, you know. I never really explain this to people but a huge chunk of it is trying to be here to support Mel. I can't apply for jobs that aren't work from home, but what can I do from home? Who needs me, the way I need to be needed?

Harumph.

All these thoughts conflagrating in my head and there's a lot more to tell, because it was a busy week. Or at least an unusual one.

The rest of Mel's time away was what it was. Wednesday I watched St. Elmo's Fire, inspired by the documentary I had watched. It is not a very good film. Or it is a very good film that was intentionally made about the worst group of people I've ever seen. unsure. But it's definitely no Breakfast Club. Mel called every night to give me the download about her day. It rained a lot for her, but here mostly just at night. Because it was so cool, Hank wanted lots of walks, which kept me busy, and I didn't do much of my "own thing" except reading and frittering away the time. Oh well. I successfully avoided ordering food after that first day. Well, on Wednesday I had gotten a prime rib sandwich at Fortinos, which was lunch for two days, and then both Wed and Thurs I made chicken on naan for dinner, because I had made two chicken breasts and felt compelled to use 'em. (Actually it was only half a breast on each naan, so one went completely unused as yet.) 

Thursday I brought the winter tires to Nonna and, as promised, spent a few hours having coffee and watching TV with her, first the Switzerland-Bosnia&Herzegovina game, then news. That ate up a large chunk of time. I was going to go around 5, but then she said "Why not stay longer to avoid traffic" and I was like... fine, I see what you're doing. so I stayed until 6. Then I sat with Hank a while, then walked him. Dinner was la-a-a-a-ate.

Friday. Mel had suggested I should leave for the airport before 3, which seemed excessive to pick her up at 7:20. After lunch (the last of the leftover pizza) I spent some time cleaning -- because I figured she would appreciate it if the house looked nicer than when she left, and because her parents were visiting the next day -- and then as I was almost ready to go, Hank asked for a walk, around, you guessed it, 3.

So after we got back, I finished zipping the house up and headed out around 4, stopping off for gas which was at a recent low of $1.55/L. The drive out there took about an hour and 10 minutes, meaning I arrived at about 5:15 or so, which was perfect. Feeling peckish but knowing we were going out for dinner, I grabbed a cheese croissant and an iced tea from Tims. They actually initially gave me a butter croissant, but you know what, I really wanted that cheese one, and lineup be damned, I got what I asked for.

So with that settled I found a place to sit and read until her plane arrived, with an overpriced bouquet in hand. It took about a half hour to deplane but eventually we were reunited. We went to Jack Astors for dinner, ordered nachos, pan bread and lobster dip, which was maybe one app too many. The Brazil game was on but we weren't invested. Mel had some work to do at the table. Eventually we were antsy to get home to Hank but the server was dillydallying with getting our bill. Finally we left around 10 and it was only a 35 minute drive home and we got some good songs. Then we got in and conked right out.

Saturday was a lot. Mama and Papa H came to help with some household chores. Mel had to work for a while. We had some iced coffees. I cleared teh gutter, which isn't technically my responsibility but it's been needed. We did some planting and such and the big thing of clipping branches off our trees. By the end, Mel and I were both hangry and sniping at each other but we got over it and had leftover nachos from the previous night and watched some RuPaul All Stars.

Sunday was a bit more relaxed with P&S breakfast but then after about 4 Mel had to jump back on and do work and I did what I could without her in the backyard before making dinner. She felt bad she had lost so much time on our weekend, and of course why shouldn't she? They've gone and overextended her again.

-- truncated --

Kor-Saw

XXV: Build the Machine

So here I am, doing exactly the thing I said I would not do this week, which is sit and watch the minutes tick down. Actually I got a bit of writing done, nothing major but enough to satisfy me. The problem is I haven't got much else to occupy me.

It's very strange already, because the last time Mel went on a work trip, I was employed of course. Well, actually, that was during the cyber-attack so while I was employed I wasn't actually doing much work. I was focused and engaged though. Occupied with this and that. Now I'm in the middle of wandering the desert. I have nothing but Hank and a few trifles. Actually, that's not true either. I could and should do some cleaning before the day is over. I've got to feed myself somehow. I started a book yesterday that I'd like to keep reading. And of course I've got Hank (who was not here the last time Mel was on a trip.) But I keep falling into this trap of looking at social media and hoping something will spark some serotonin and it never does.

So. After double and triple checking everything Monday night, we got as ready as ready could be. Tuesday morning we got our early start. It was chilly out so we both found ourselves wearing pants. After walking Hank and saying goodbye, we left a little before 7. Our plan was to pick up some breakfast at Williams' and eat it on the train. We had even backed off our departure time to catch an earlier train just to remove all doubt that we'd be in good time.

So after getting breakfast -- and gum from the supermarket in case Mel needed it for her flight -- we went and caught the 8:47. Once we arrived at Exhibition station, and found a quick bathroom stop, we went to the streetcar and took the quick trip to Bathurst, then walked down into the airport. I had thought we'd be taking the ferry to the terminal, but it wasn't running so we just took the tunnel.

As we got Mel checked in, we realized her passport was expired, but luckily this is domestic travel. We resolved to get new ones after she returned. She was also very concerned that they weren't going to let her bring her backpack as her carry on, but the desk lady gave her the all clear.

So we waited a bit, and just kind of killed time before ultimately deciding it was time to part. I kissed her goodbye and watched her go into security, and that was that.

I wasn't sure what I was going to do. I considered reaching out to some of the few people I still know at Indigo but I still feel self-conscious about my lack of employment. I had been trying to tee something up with Tony but he's been unresponsive to my attempts to connect since getting my new phone. I decided I would walk up Bathhurt, swing down King and then by the Well, and if I happened to see somebody so be it, but aside from passing Amy on the street (she waved and smiled politely,) nothing. I visited the books until I decided it was just time to leave. Then I walked -- because I couldn't get a streetcar -- back to Union. I had been hoping to stop for a frap at Second Cup, but wouldn't you know it they were closed to maintenance, so I got an iced mocha from Mofer instead. Then at Union, a few trains were canceled due to mechanical issues somewhere on the line, so I didn't get on one until 1:17.

By the time I got back to Burlington, Mel had already landed in Quebec City!

I went home, had lunch, fed Hank, found something to watch on Netflix, took Hank on a very long walk indeed, and eventually figured out what to have for dinner, ordering sushi because I didn't want to leave the house again. I was beat. I ended up watching that documentary on the Brat Pack, which wasn't very good, or was very good if you enjoy cringing. Mel was at the office late, calling me at 11 (whilst I was watching AEW Collision,) but I let her go to eat her McDo and shower, so we ended up talking at 11:40. I had some popcorn -- only about half the bag, I didn't want to overdo it -- but my mouth still feels like it today.

So yeah, I've written a bit, nothing earth-shattering but I can at least feel like day 1 of Batch life wasn't a complete write-off and there might even be more later. I have a second coffee in hand. I think I'm going to read a bit more of my book. Maybe I'll have some more leftover pizza for lunch but I have no idea what dinner might be or where to get it from. I intimated that I might actually cook for myself today, but....... who knows.

All this peace and quiet and privacy is really messing with me head, you know? I put up a tough front but people need people. And I especially need my wife.

Monday, during my social media binge, I actually ended up learning that the spouse of an old high school friend had passed. I offered my condolences -- I had even met the person a few times in passing -- but but heard nothign in response. Something I've been chewing on.

On that cheery note, I see Hank fidgeting, and if I know my boy he's looking for another walk. Reading can wait.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXIV: Forsaken and Mistaken (Executive Dysfunction)

To the degree that I've ever been able to get anything done, I feel really incapable of getting anything done these days. My typical day begins with feeding Hank and indulging in a luxurious coffee and breakfast, hopefully also managing to serve food to Mel before Hank asks for his first walk. Then I get home and I need to recover and fix myself a second coffee.

Many days, like today, particularly when it's not oppressively hot, Hank will ask for a second walk around the time I'm done coffee 2. I don't know why he does this. He's usually had a perfectly good, long walk at this point, relieved himself, had ample sniffies, and yet he's suddenly compelled to have another. So I have to spend another 40 minutes taking him up and down and all around. At that point it's time to start thinking about lunch. If I'm lucky there's a 1-2 hour block in there somewhere where I can buckle down and get some work done, but often there's a lot of trying to cajole myself into the creative mindset. By 1 or so, I'm too hungry to focus and need to wait for Mel to be ready to eat.

Then we spend about an hour together, and that takes me to about 3 PM by which point it almost feels like the day has gotten away from me. I could try right now, but I'm just sapped, you know? I was getting on a roll when Hank started asking for walk two, and that killed my momentum.

He was getting pretty good at not asking for another walk during the day when the heat was up, but after the rainy weekend it's cooled down significantly, which means he really wants to be outside. I mean now he's happy to curl up in bed, now that the day is nearly over and I'm all tuckered out. Hm.

It was a busy weekend. We had Laura's baby shower on Saturday, so Friday night we were up wrapping gifts and preparing things for that. The next day as we were just about out the door, we had put Hank away, when Papa H texted to ask if Hank would be joining me for Boys' Day at Nonna's. We hadn't even thought to ask -- we thought Jake would be at one or the other so we should stay clear, but Ryan had taken him to his dad's, so Hank was free to come. He was so excited to go, too, it was sad to put him away, so it was nice that that worked out. I dropped Mel off and hung around for a bit until it was time to go. Randy, Hank, Nonna, Unc and I sat around watching the Switzerland-Qatar match and ate pizza and then espresso (after Unc, Randy and I all had a beer at Nonna' behest.) Unc was going to bring Noah, but Sherlie wanted him to stay, and in fact also wanted Unc to stay. Unc got a ring for a pickup around 5 (the event had been scheduled for 2-4) and I followed after. We ended up hanging aroudn until about 8 as Laura's friend who had planned the event, and a few others, lingered. Hank was very popular, as always.

When we finally left, Mel was getting to the point where she needed food asap so we ordered burritos to pick up on our way home. She required a bite while we were n the car, but unfortunately that caused a little bit of steak to tumble down her nice top. Luckily it came out in the wash.

We then watched a really traumatizing true crime doc called Maternal Instinct and the first half of a snoozer J.Lo romcom called Office Romance.

Sunday was running-around day as Mel was getting her nails done, so we went out for A&W Breakfast. I hung out at the mall and honestly there wasn't even that much time to do anything. Why does it feel like it used to take so long for her to get her nails done? She was even getting a pedicure. But it was about 90 minutes or so, which flew by. Then after we got home and she had a nap, we got started on packing her up for her trip.

Tomorrow she's heading off to Riviere-du-Loup, Quebec for a few days onsite. She hasn't traveled for work since early 2024, although it feels somehow even longer ago. So Hank and I will be puttering around the house by ourselves for a few days. And then maybe I can get some of this much-vaunted "productivity" done, but more likely I'll be batching it up. I don't know. I'm already overwhelmed at trying to figure out how to spend my time. I'm already somewhat on the hook to go see Nonna, partly because I need to bring the winter tires over anyway.

Late last week, we finally, finally got to the garden center. We didn't get everything we wanted, possibly because we were so late in getting there. In particular we always get Canna lilies for our planters, and there weren't any. This is what my life is like these days. We brought Hank and he was as usual a celeb to the two people we encountered there. Then there was this whole fiasco where we were going to pick up some Popeyes, but Mel got an SOS from someone at work, so I had to take her and Hank back but then by the time she logged on there was no issue anymore. She stayed on to do other stuff anyway while I went and got the food, and unrelated I couldn't order for pickup from our local location so I had to walk in an order it (which had been the plan when we were initially nearby... and anyway it was slightly out of the way but not much.) Ah well.

Life is lifing. I'm trying not to think too hard about how badly I am bailing at it. I considered trying to grab lunch with some old friends at Indigo while I'm in the city, but my overall embarrassment at the state of my affairs is prohibitive. I'd like to have something to say for myself before I see them again. 

By the way, I still have dreams about that place, usually on the theme of going back there and getting some kind of validation. Sad and obvious, subconscious. I need a new identity and to move on to a new phase in my life. No word yet on that writing sample. I'm not expecting anything.

I guess that empties me out for today. Probably not tomorrow, but maybe Wednesday will be the day I collect myself, at least temporarily.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXIII: Vegetation

A non-meaningless title.

I mean gosh. I really let today get by me. I didn't even do the usual amount of nothing I tend to do with my day. I just completely short-circuited and did nada-all. A smidge of writing but not really. A glance at the jobs. Just sitting here staring at my phone watching the clock tick down. 

I need some better habits. I actually got some writing done yesterday on a project I've had open and idle for a while but I haven't kept that momentum up. I took Hank out for some walks and thought about things and tried not to get down about stuff. And there's still time (see my previous "forever tomorrows" comment.) But man, when is tomorrow today? That's up to me, isn't it?

Mel's out in the city today, she's got a dinner event for work, and I'm just here yukking it up. There's still some time and, after I eat a bit of dinner (I got pizza for both meals) I might even get to some of it. In 45 minutes I can write over 1000 words and that's enough to make me feel accomplished, even though I need to do that about 30 more times to get this thing done. Every step counts.

I think losing out at that job really wrecked me. I was so ready to be done with this, I am not sure I have the energy to roll up my sleeves and attack it all over again, but I've got to. And I've got my quixotic writing submission out there that I should be hearing about any time now, assuming I do hear about it at all. I keep contemplating what the best case scenario is for that, and I don't even know. Fear of success is a motherfucker.

I spent a lot of today looking at Facebook and now I'm paranoid about carbon monoxide. Ecch, I need to get off that site again. It's all bad vibes.

I'm just flitting around. I have no focus. I can't even finish this post, for crying out loud. I just walked away from it for multiple hours. I briefly look at some jobs, and what do you know, they're closed off. Nobody I want to work for wants to be in the Scotto business.

Will tomorrow be better? It would almost have to be, right?

And yet. Tomorrow's Wednesday, which means it's almost the end of the week, which means it's almost the weekend, which means it's almost next week. See? I'm sprialling.

Hey, hey, hey, happier times. Did I tell you we went out for "Melissa Day" last week? Kelsey's has this promotion where you get free Spin Dip (with a drink but it doesn't have to be alcoholic -- Mel got the zero proof sangria and I just had pepsi) if your name is one of three on a certain day, and last Wednesday's happened to be Melissa. So we had a little impromptu date night. All we had was the dip and some calamari, and we even took some home because (shrug). Then we went to DQ and had Blizzards as the sun went down.

I'm drinking water right now.

The weekend was busy, Mel had to work for most of Saturday but then we did lots of running around. Mel's got Laura's baby shower on Saturday so we had to get a bunch of stuff for that, including a book (in lieu of a card) and clothes (we plundered Once Upon a Child on Sunday.) I'll just be hanging at Nonna's while that goes on, with da boyz. We also found some time to chill in the backyard on Sunday, and Mel started her baby blanket knitting project.

Times are good, it's only inside my head that things are rough.

And I guess at my fingertips.

Nevertheless, we keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXII: I'm not far from you

I was going to attack today, but it kind of steamrolled me instead and I never got in gear. That's probably the curse of unemployment, the unlimited tomorrows. Oh, didn't apply for a job, didn't write? Tomorrow for that. 

I also wasn't going to write this -- and in fact basically am not -- but I realized I had left out the whole story of my dentist appointment from Thursday fromthe last post. It wasn't even a story, but I went, got the usual tsk tsking about flossing and prophecies of doom about the rest of my mouth health, but no immediate need for fillings, so it was good. I had hoped to touch base with Tony for lunch but I was downtown by myself and managed to get home in time to have lunch with Mel (the appointment was at 11:45.) So it all worked out.

I mean, that's really it, hey?

KOR-SAW