XXXVII: Down and Out in Dreamland

I woke up from a light sleep and punched the above phrase into my phone. I often walk around with a post title on the tip of my brain, but rarely do I enforce it in this way. But the mind, when half-awake, plays by different rules. I wasn't sure when I would get around to writing a post under it, but it turned out to be now.

I went back to sleep and had a really upsetting dream. I was up for a job, but the process was more like an NFL combine, where I had to demonstrate all sorts of skills, and of course I was inadequate. But the worst came when I was trying to serve somebody(?) and I was wiping down their table with a cloth that had a bloodstain on it(??) and when they asked about it I made some off-color joke that they objected to. I was called over to the manager and told I had failed out of the process. It then turned out that the job in question was -- as it often seems to be in my dreams -- my old HMV job. I ran around trying to get back in the running, including trying to will it into having been a dream-within-a-dream, but to no avail.

This played with a lot of my insecurities regarding my ability to get a job, of course. That I've fallen so far that I would no longer qualify for a job I did over a decade ago. And of course there's nostalgia for that era that's on my mind from time to time, and I had even thought earlier that evening about how my recurring HMV dreams have been largely replaced with dreams about my more recent office job. So I guess I summoned it.

I woke up and it was 5 AM and I went back to sleep and had a different dream.

Yesterday was a good day. We got "up and at it" really early for us on a Saturday, heading out for breakfast before 10, followed by some errands at Value Village and Staples, where we had to drop off an Amazon return, pick up an order, and buy ink along with other sundries. After that, we had some admin stuff to do with Mel's new job. As we were finishing that, we got a random invite over to Mel's parents', because they wanted to meet Bastian. Hey, why not! It was the first time both dogs had shared space in the car together and they mostly behaved, although Bastian was crowding Hank a bit.

We brought some peaches that had been kicking around our fridge all week, because we can't be trusted to eat them on our own. They were still very good, thankfully. We sat out in the backyard for a while, then ordered some Chinese for dinner. Afterward, we played cards. Mel actually wanted to be on my team for Oki, and we came back in the later hands to win. 

We got home late, so Mel went right into bed, and I thought about staying up but after walking Bastian I decided to try my luck with sleep and ended up doing so, which is where we began this post I suppose.

That's about it -- I guess this wasn't going to be a long post. There are big things under the surface but nothing's emerged yet.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXXVI: On Air

Tossing and turning. I am up here at 2 am writing this to you on my phone quite against my will. I am not entirely sure why, but I have a theory. Earlier today, Mel had asked for some iced coffee and suggested I get it from Fortinos, which I have rarely ever done. I was so throw I forgot to ask for decaf. So I went back and got her a fresh one, but kept mine, and her other one, meaning I technically had three full caffeine coffees for the day. Even though it was relatively early, that could do it. I was also feeling some allergies, so I have taken a pill and am waiting for that to kick in.

A strange sequence of events whose truth I might never know has Mel in the guest room tonight. She simply got up and said she had to write some things (a therapeutic act for her, and hey I guess me too!) and for whatever reason, she decided she would just go there and stay there. She didn't indicate that it was anything to do with me, but she didn't say much either way. And without her I feel a bit glum and not at ease, compounding my issue.

Hmp.

It has been good times though. This weekend we went to see Joe play at the Sauga artisan fest on Port Credit, which wasn't much of a fest. We didn't even really browse the booths. We spent most of the time trying to find an available bathroom. Then we got some ice cream, which was great until Mel realized she has gotten some drops on her top.

We watched Joe play under the gazebo as dark clouds rolled in and lightning crackled in the distant sky, debating whether we should bail and either get our planned dinner or just go home. Eventually everyone was huddled under the gazebo behind him, which made for an amusing set. As he got to his last song, "Bottom of the Barrel," the downpour started. Eventually, clutching our one umbrella, we trekked back to the train station, soaking wet. We got home, toweled off and made comfort nachos.

The next day we spent cleaning the bedroom, putting away laundry, that sort of thing, while listening to my 90s Sun and Clouds mix. It was nice.

Lately I feel like I'm getting more adept at balancing my personal stuff with household stuff. It may seem elementary, but my philosophy is currently to aim to do Something For Me, Something for Us, Something for the House, and Something for the Dogs if needed, during my day. Again, most people probably don't need to make it a policy, they just do what needs to be done, but I procrastinate and get comfortable with leaving things untouched, so walking around the house going "What can I do here?" Helps kick me into gear.

Beyond that, there isn't much to tell. Simply a life being lived, together.

Hopefully it's as good as it feels 

Keep on rockin'

- Scotto

XXXV: You think you know how the story goes

With Mel at the office -- her first time going to the Burlington location -- I've had the place to myself today. Well, the boys and I, but they're mostly lazing about in their respective spots. I suppose it's been a relatively productive day, if you have to use "productivity" as a measurement of a day's worth. I did some writing and had a minimum of idleness. And while I do enjoy idleness, let's not forget I probably need some bumpers on.

I've got some music playing, but it's actually rather hard to gather my thoughts, so perhaps I'll pause it. I haven't checked in much lately, which is probably good. I told my trainer Rebecca the other week that yes, it is mid-August (hell, late august by now!) and I felt it. Being unemployed and walking 2 dogs every day, I have felt just about every day of this summer. Time is passing exactly as it is supposed to for me, which is the one benefit of unemployment. (Honestly, I felt something like this when I worked from home too, which was the best of all possible worlds. Damn, will I never stop being angry about what they took from me?)  That said, there's still a sense in which winter seems to last forever, and then summer feels like it's over as soon as it's started. It's been a rather cool August -- relatively speaking, usually in the mid-high twenties -- after a scorching July, and some mornings if I'm up early enough (like this one) I even need an extra layer.

Being at peace with the passage of time is one benefit of being out of work for a long period of time. Drawbacks include feeling inadequate, inferior, like you don't have a safety net, self-conscious, judged, resented... you know, all that stuff. I'm back to my lessons (somewhat) and more actively hunting for work (somewhat) as I bang on the walls of my (self-imposed) cell. How the fuck am I supposed to make money? And let's not leave out that Mel's transition to her new employer has been, all things considered, a fairly bad deal, which leaves her feeling quite bitter about the subject.

She keeps saying "we're" okay for money, but there's this implication of, "what am I doing?"

And then there are times when she is so thankful for what I do for the house, and she feels guilty, when I tell her she's the one keeping us afloat.

So I write and I write and I write, and I scrounge up barely enough to pay down my debts for the month. Because aside from learning and applying, that's all I can do. But I need a lot more than I can make.

I think about cashing in some of my retirement fund, but, um... that's not typically recommended. Not totally off the table though, the longer this goes on.

Ugh, I feel pretty helpless. And you know, this is one of my better days. Really, I don't feel too bad. This is just the bats flapping around my head as a baseline.

I think about whether I could have stayed at my old job, or if I could take one that was essentially the same circumstance, and it's hard, because what is that life? How can I live just robotically going through the motions and having no time for myself? I couldn't do it tomorrow any more than I could a year ago.

I need a chance to pursue my dreams, but I also need steady income. These things aren't really possible together, so what's more important? Where do I find a job I can live with doing?

There's a wound in me that might never heal.

Why does everyone else have a thing that they enjoy doing in capitalism and I just... don't?

High and dry.

This past weekend, we went out to St. Catherines to see the baby, which was nice. Mel was feeling a lot of feelings about it, how the visit was to be kept short, after all the time it takes to get out there, you know. But in the end it was very lovely. She slept the whole time, first in Mel's arms, then in mine, then in Mel's again as she fed her, and also at one point changed her. There are no pictures of me holding her, so we'll all just have to remember than I did. They had old episodes of Friends on the Netflix, from around the time Monica and Chandler got married. Say what you will about that show's decline in quality, but there was some really good writing around that "Backpacking story." Afterward, we went to East Side Mario's for dinner because Mel was feeling it after hearing about it from her parents, although it seemingly did not live up to the hype. Alas.

The weekend before, we spent some time at Nonna's and played cards.

I don't know. It's all part of life's rich pageant.

A good place to call it.

Spinning and reeling

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXXIV: Anyone with a key can get in

Nothing new is happening. I'm experiencing a sort of executive dysfunction. There are definitely things I could and should do with my time, but I find myself sitting with the dogs and scrolling on my phone. I should be more pro-active, I should be looking for a job, I should write. I should clean the kitchen. But something within me has shut down. We got back from vacation and I needed a bit of time to decompress and develop a routine around these two dogs, but I think we're past the grace period with that.

Last night at dinner, Mel asked me about my day and I just sighed, "It wasn't productive." Which is a sucky way to look at life in general, but it's one people understand. And she reciprocated that her own day wasn't productive because she's trying to get into the groove of this new job and it's not smooth. 

Maybe things are happening, but I'm not doing. A difference.

One random thing we did was that I brought up the VCR and we spend Sunday watching the tape of the Lip Sync from 1994. It was kind of an impromptu thing I guess because I had seen an entry for Forrest Gump on Netflix (under "90s Heartthrobs"?) and I noted that I wished I could show her the one where i did the Al Yankovic song. All we had was '94, which I thought at least Eric was on, but no. Mel sat through all that and the only family member she saw was mom doing the Locomotion with Penny and some other moms. It wasn't necessarily a bad show as far as those things go, but imagine sitting through it with no emotional investment, and freakishly low video quality.

Well, for me it was a walk down memory lane. I messaged my dad and he mentioned he had a couple sitting around, but not the one I really wanted. But he does allegedly have 95, which I am on, I believe.

You know, after all that trailer talk, it was nice to time-travel back to the old days. See Sandy again. Other people we've lost.

That night we ended up having leftover sausages for dinner which was... fine, but nothing to get excited about. Monday we got around to cleaning Mel's office and setting up her new setup, although she was still kind of glum about there still being clutter. We had some skewers for dinner, which was nice.

Tuesday was the beginning of Mel's bumpy transition to her new company. Pizza for dinner. Don't ask me why it's important to me to keep logging what all our meals were. Yesterday we went out to Kelsey's because Mel had an appointment and it seemed to make the most sense, but she's going out again tonight with a friend. Then I have no idea what's going on tomorrow or through the weekend.

I have some more tasks I'm neglecting. This is a nothing post. And that's fine, I just needed it out on record.

I guess this one sees me in the middle of a knot.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XXXIII: Due Compensation

It's absolutely schlitting rain right now, and I'm not exactly sure what that means for my morning routine. Dark skies, thunder and lightning. I slept in a bit after a late Saturday night, but I managed to get Hank out around 9. At that time the ground was already wet and the clouds were dark but I figured it had rained in the morning and that would be it, but the storm rolled back in. Lately, I've been taking Hank, then indulging in a coffee and letting Hank sit for a while before breakfast. Then when he goes upstairs of his own accord -- or if not, if a sufficient amount of time has passed -- I got get Bastian and take him for his walk. He's a little quicker about it, although Amanda the sitter said he loves long walks. I don't know, I always see him panting hard by the end of it.

Ennaway. I haven't let Bastian down yet but that seems unfair since he's up there in his crate with no idea when anyone will come for him. I just don't want to walk him in this weather, so I'm kind of at an impasse with myself. What I think I will probably do is write this, then go get him and hope he doesn't feel too bad about not going for a walk, but if it rains all day I don't know what we'll do. Maybe he can borrow Hank's coat that he doesn't like (because in general he hates rain) but if I'm lucky he'll just be chill about the whole thing and not ask. Because I don't want to go out in the rain.

This is what life is.

So let's get back to the recent past. The rest of the time at the trailer was nice. We did indeed hit the pool at the height of heat on Thursday, with a few fellow adults indulging a "swim." They were chatty with each other and playing a Fleetwood Mac playlist, so, sure. We got out to dry and read (I'm reading Pageboy by Elliot Page, because for some reason every year I bring a book by a trans/nonbinary person on vacation with me. It's not even the first trans book I've read this year!) then got back in for a bit. Although we were pretty diligent with our sunscreen we still ended up burnt on the shoulders.

After that, and some lunch of leftover steak sandwiches, we did some kayaking. Mel napped and I had to re-light the pilot light, but I was too impatient to get a nice hot shower out of the deal. We thought about doing another fire, but since Hank doesn't like the fire we kind of just curled up inside. We played Farkle then had a rummy tournament which Mel won handily, then watched half or 75% of Dirty Dancing while I nodded off.

It was a good day. They were all good days. As I've been saying this feels like the first year where I actually felt the time at the trailer was going too fast and I would have liked to stay longer, but that wasn't an option for a variety of reasons. Hank was kind of having a weird time, because he kept wanting to go lie in bed, then come see us, then have us lead him back to bed and watch him get in. Previously he never had a problem lounging around in the sun with us.

I made sausages for dinner, with potato salad and leftover corn. It occurs to me I do not know what became of the potato salad. Did we finish it? Did we leave it? Oh well.

Friday was pretty much all spent getting ready to go. Which sucked, because it reached that mythical "Must jump in pool" heat, but no matter how I tried to calculate it we had zero time allocated for pretty much anything fun (although I did let Mel read while I finished the dishes after she'd done some pickup.)

Picking up the place, gathering our materials, washing all the dishes, it took a few hours but we were relatively speedy about it. Lori told us that they were on the road about an hour before we were due to leave at 2:30, and that because they had their dog Teddy with them, who is reactive, there shouldn't be a visit, which was fine. After a few hiccups we got out only 10-15 minutes later than we planned, letting everyone know we were on the road. Our destination: Woodstock, ON, our ETA 4:24 PM.

Well, it was a long and winding road, much of which was spent behind slow-moving country vehicles, but we made it roughly on time or even a minute or two early. Amanda was there with Bastian but Dad was lagging behind because of some lane closures on the 403 and a need to get gas in Brantford. Which suited us fine, as we wanted to grab a quick bite at Wendy's. By the time all was said and done, we were back on the road around 5, slightly behind my dad as we bother had to use the restroom. With traffic it was a long schlep back, although it was really only bad through Hamilton. I could tell Mel was fading from such a long time in the car, because she requested a change of playlist and got less conversational. It would not have been my preference to do all that driving in one day, but the only alternative was to leave the trailer late on Thursday, which we did not want to do.

We got home around 6:30 to find Dad sitting out on our porch with Bastian tied to a length of rope he kept in his trunk. Asked why he did not simply get his leash out, he said he forgot the bag was in there. Well, at least he had a crafty solution. We bid him thanks again and farewell and tried to settle back in but man it was a lot of fuss with the two dogs, the wife, and all this shit needing to go back in the fridge. I feel like we came back with nearly as much food as we brought when you factor in leftovers and additional materials. I had bought more ice cream than was required partly because it was on sale. Actually I didn't need to buy any ice cream at all because we only had it the first night. So Mel said "Let's have some ice cream" and of course it turned out to be melty. Why didn't my dumb ass go for the ice cream that was literally in our freezer? I don't know man, I was tired. We walked the dogs then settled in to watch The Ultimatum and eat Mel's requested dinner of nachos. (I didn't love being asked to cook since we had planned to grab prime rib dinners from Fortinos instead of our usual traditional pizza, but after that whole ordeal how could I not give Mel what she wanted?)

Yesterday we had some Williams for breakfast and mostly just chilled, then got our prime rib. today Mel wants to clean her office, and fair.

So that's that, you know, those are things that happened. It's still raining although I would downgrade it to a drizzle. Still not excited about going out in it. I wish I had more waterproof shoes. Apparently Vessis are not good for the environment although I have Vessi boots. Idk. I think I'll go let Bastian out and deal with it from there. I would like to get some writing done before Mel wakes up, clock's ticking.

Tomorrow, another day off, who knows, I posited that we might go to the movies and see a Spider-Man, but it's up to the whims of fate. Then Mel starts her not-new job at the new company and I... do whatever it is I do that fills my days, walking dogs mostly.

I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto