11:36 AM: Fixations

Well, it's midnight and I really should not be up but revenge bedtime procrastination is most definitely a thing. I also should not be writing this on my phone, but I am, and maybe that will inspire me to keep things brief. Don't mind the typos.

It has been a drainingly busy few weeks, running around doing all sorts of things, with more to come. Last weekend I finally helped Brandon clear out his storage unit (which still had somd property of mine in it, whoops) which was very much an all-day thing, although afterward we had to  ollect ourselves and go to Nonna's for a Father's Day fete. Mel wasn't feeling well, and then all week I wasn't feeling well, with a cough and sore throat that took a long while to clear up. The next day I went to Dad's for Father's Day, without my ill wife, which I felt bad about.

The week had a ton of tasks I'd rather not think of.

This past weekend was Rielle's wedding, the first of three for us this year. It meant driving out to Oshawa and staying in a hotel room that still would have been overpriced had we remembered to book it in time for the group rate ( :# ) we even opted for two double beds because it was the cheapest option  ... the drive was ardurous but the day was quite nice. Mel was worried we wouldn't know amybody, but I knew we are social butterflies and in the end I was right and we had a grand ole time ... and Mel even reunited with her old work pal Geoff! We thought sbout leaving early but ended up staying nearly to the end, waving our goodbye to the strains of "Don't Stop Believing" like we were on The Sopranos.

The drive home was a little better, after atopping for breakfast at Tims and cranking the road mix. Sunday was lazy. Im just feeling schmucky today because I fucked up something bad at work, which is probably down to me kind of being on autopilot this year. It might be fixed but it might also snap back in a costly way and I feel bad about it. I do normally take pride in my work but it's hard to stay engaged... not becausd I'm at home (necessarily) but because, well... it's five years, and what?

Sigh

Plus I got into this dumbass debate online I knew better than to participate in, but sometimes yoy get swept up. I pride myself that this doesn't happen often, so even the best of us stumble. Let this be my reminder.

So yeah, feeling unusually and specifically bad. I was bringing Mel some McDonalds Fries for lunch today and they slipped onto the floor and I basically was ready to collapse because I couldn't take one more thing (and I want to be a parent?) I ran out to get more out of guilt and a desire to fix something.

Writing all this, I am tired and feeling somewhat less burdened, which I suppose is the point. Last few nights Mel has been sleeping in the other room for comfort purposes, which is nice until it gets lonely. Otherwise, I am often getting out of bed to extend my evening by, say, watching old Simpsons downstairs until 2 AM. Healthy, perhaps not, but... well, I haven't collapsed yet.

"It is what it is."

The world turns and I turn with it

All part of life's rich pageant

A sleep will be good, but the hard thing is, you know, before long it will be morning

And yet, I maintain I have better mental health today than in 2019.

Keep on rockin' 

Scotto

10:36 AM: I didn't sign the guestbook but I was there

It feels a little like we have a purely ramshackle existence these days. I scrounge up my free time in the morning on weekends while Mel snoozes. We bumble through whatever necessary tasks and then we go to bed. Right now we're in the midst of all this fertility stuff and it feels so... hard. Mel asked me last night if I thought it was worth it, and I said of course. If we gave up on the idea of having kids I'm not sure what we'd do with the rest of our lives. And I really don't think Mel would be satisfied. Right now there's no time to lose, and we are making progress. It's just that day to day life seems so... dull and gray.

Yesterday was the funeral. It was a very strange experience because it doubled as a reunion with some of us from Spring Valley who hadn't seen one another in over a decade, which was joyful and a little awkward as we tried to find ways to cover the last several years. I overdressed a bit in a suit and tie when I probably could have gotten away with black jeans. Jon was particularly wowed that we came, Crystal was glad, Alison almost seemed like she could take or leave. We drove mom, I think she felt awkward because of people she knew there, it was mostly just dad and Deb and she wasn't going to spend much time with them -- in fact she noted afterward that dad pretty much snubbed her without so much as a greeting, which is weird to me. Like, they're adults, be civil, you know? She did run into someone she knew from SVP, Gary. It was a whirlwind, I did end up bantering with Alison afterward; our whole friendship was pretty much based on sassing each other anyway. There were the usual promises of "You know what, we're gonna keep in touch" and I was sincere, but we'll see. I also told Eric we should hang out sometime without parents around, because it feels like we only get together on occasions with them and it's different.

We came home, had a light snack (after having had a light lunch at the wake) and Mel crashed. I let her snooze probably too long which meant in the evening she was going to be wired and I was gonna be tired. It's good training for when we have kids, don't do that.

We had apps and leftover Pad Thai for dinner -- Friday night we had finally gone out to Art of Pho, a place run by Mel's usual nail stylist's boyfriend, although we didn't get Pho. We made a whole outing of it since I had to get my haircut ("He made the decision on his own!" Mel boasted to Eric, "After we commented on it...") and buy some new shirts to replace ones I had gotten rid of. We did some paperwork but got stopped up at the part where they started asking about the medical history of everyone we've ever known. We watched a bit of show but I was getting tired so we switched it over to a movie we had seen before -- the Five Year Engagement, which Mel like an inordinate amount but sure there's good laughs in it -- and that oddly woke me up. After an hour or so, we went to bed, but Mel wasn't that tired so she had me sleep in the other room because of snorin'. That's life.

What are we gonna go?

Today, I think we thought we would be in the garden, but it's gray and wet so who the eff knows. We never got around the planting our annuals and now half of them are dead -- which is actually impressive because it means half of them are not dead. I didn't put down new soil or mulch either. Honestly, I attribute it to the need for us to do everything together and her not always feelin' it. If she said, "I'm gonna peace for a bit, would you mind taking care of the garden?" I'd have zero problem. But also we've been so occupied lately and that's not changing soon. Next week I'm helping Brandon empty his storage locker, and also it's Father's Day so who the eff knows what we're doing. I told my barber I felt like summer was already gone, and she said not to think of it that way. Gee thanks.

I also need to clean the barbeque grills.

Somehow I've found some time for writing, sporadically. I don't know how I do it. Or why I do it. Or what I'm doing. I even felt moved to do my first Sewerman comic (in strip form) in a while. Made me laugh.

Keep on rockin' though

-Scotto

10:05 AM: Unlimited toils, limited spoils

If I seem to have a thousand-yard stare lately it's because I'm staring a thousand yards away. Life's got me dazed from everything going on. We don't even have enough time to not have time to do anything... sorry, that sounded a lot cleverer in my head.

I took the week of my birthday off. I would not say it was overly relaxing or productive... just a flop for the most part. I think mentally, all I wanted was to check out for a few days and because there was some turbulence that checkout dragged on and I didn't get to the fabled "day to do things" in time. You know how it is, you've got this and that objective, plus two or three more but somehow in the logjam you don't get any of them done.

Even just reflecting on it now, my mind becomes a daze. I became very absorbed in my game of TEW, which I had been fine-tuning off and on for years and finally decided to test-drive. It mostly worked, and then I kept tweaking.

Friday, my birthday-day we took off together and ended up going to Port Credit, which is sort of our default birthday spot for me. I like it, it's a great place to spend a sunny afternoon (and ideally my birthday has good weather but not always.) We get the Starbucks, sit on the water, go to the record store and the tchotchke shop... always a good time. Then we finally finally got to go to Pepe and Lela's for dinner. It was worth the wait. I think Mel always feel a little self-conscious about not making big plans for my birthday, but I'm a simple guy and I don't need a fuss, just to show someone's thinking of me a little bit.

I cannot remember at all what we did on Saturday, but it may have been spent out buying plants, and on Sunday we created the planters, but we still haven't gotten around to planting our annuals, which are wilting under the heat of the sun, sadly... harumph. See what I mean about being overloaded? Sunday we also went to Mama and Papa H's for a BBQ for my birthday, which was nice, although I felt a little bit of a stomachache.

The week of work commenced, it wasn't bad, although it was very full not just of work but of other things to do, as is our lot for the near future. Part of it is this baby making project (which I am glad to now be open about and a little scared.) There's a lot of medical and other things involved. Last week we had to go to a counselor and it was a very emotionally draining, and then of course there are agency meetings, although we think we have a good one on the line so our search may be over.

Now it's just... money matters.

So the big big thing, and I guess the specific reason for my distant stare, is that we were having our garage sale this week. Last year we weren't aware it was happening and didn't have time to get stuff together, so it was a big project for this spring. It wasn't not-stressful to go through all my childhood belongings and yea or nay them, but it was worth it.

The most major component was that I was finally planning to get rid of the vast majority of my comics. I gave a huge sum to Kris a few weeks ago when we saw him at the Birthday thing -- as many Spider-Mans as I could manage, some Fantastic Fours, other good runs. I was working to catalogue them, which was a big project as I was counting on having to sell the remains online after the garage sale.

Nope. We found a buyer for the whole lot. I'm trying to process it, partly because it happened so fast and I sold them for a bit less than I was hoping but they weren't really worth much except for reading. I struck a deal with a lady representing a teacher who wanted to give them to his students to read and I'm all for that so why should I feel bitter? It's a good cause, a good home, and it beats having to individually find buyers for this or that run. It's just funny to think you know, so many many years of accumulating these things and someone just handed me a few bucks and took 'em away. Now they're not filling my basement anymore. Well, we still have lots of stuff filling the basement, but less. It is admittedly a disaster down there but we'll be able to tidy it up better than it was before.

Honestly, it's good for the soul. I'm too wistful and sentimental, carrying shit from house to house, life to life, that isn't doing me any good. You know, I almost sold my guitar when someone asked about it, but he left and didn't come back. If you only knew what a big step that was for me, to make peace with the idea of letting go of that thing.

The plan was for Ma and Pa H to come over the night before and help us sticker items, organize, prepare to merchandise, etc. It did feel a little extra but I was glad for the prep work and glad for the help. It's nice to have in-laws who are always so game to pitch in on things. Then they would stay the night and help us in the morning. That, of course, meant we were functionally entertaining, which was another stress factor, but we got through it. Again, I was glad to have them around for the day.

It was a beautiful day for a garage sale, we sold lots and made a few bucks, honestly what more could you want?

There was some concern that our sink was leaking but it was just a matter of tightening the head on the tap... we may have to keep an eye on that but for now it was a relief.

Also kind of filling up our week, we went on Thursday to dogsit Jake. It was fun, he was pretty relaxed and cuddly all night, and we watched THE ULTIMATUM on Netflix (Jake's choice?) Only had to walk him a couple of times. We had been there since mid-afternoon and finished the work day there and I think we ended up staying late of our own choice (hard for Mel to say goodbye to Jake) which resulted in some anxiety but hey, again, we persevere.

Next? Man, I don't know, it feels like it's always something. Tomorrow the gals have a bridal shower so I'm going over to Laura and Ryan's with Papa H to chill. Would I be happier just sitting at home? Yes probably. But I'm a team player.

Next weekend, we'll have a funeral. We got the sad news this week that Penny, my parents' lifelong friend from the trailer, had passed. Penny and her husband Henry were adults I felt connected to as a kid, and our families have always been close. Then there's this trip to the dump I've been trying to schedule with Brandon and Dad for some upcoming weekend, then numerous weddings, a wrestling show, the trailer...

I can see summer flashing before my eyes.

Who knows if I will ever have time to relax and smell the roses?

I think about money a lot. We have a financial advisor now and he noted that it's not just about saving, it's about making sure enough is coming in. That's tough. I feel a little plateaued at work and yet I don't have the nerve to leave (I feel like I at least need to stay long enough to get Mel the x-dollars of fertility meds she is entitled to "per lifetime"... then I can go to another company and get another once in a lifetime shot as needed.) I think about changing careers, I fantasize about writing... I'm watching this video about copy writing and it seems possible but a big change in pace and gear from what I'm doing now. I don't see myself as enterprising, even when I am passionate about something. And it makes me feel defeated to think about, even as this perky and energetic (well, she certainly seems energetic when I have the video sped up to 1.5x) writing guru tells me how possible it allegedly is ("Just get good at it and try hard!" is basically the key... thanks, thank you, take my money.)

I... I don't know. Writing doesn't seem possible anymore, my side projects are not lucrative in any way beyond a monthly pizza, it's all so overwhelming. I think we all wish it didn't have to be this way but I know damn well that it must.

Who knows, who knows, who knows, who knows, who knows, who knows.

Agg.

Well, we've reached the repeating gibberish phase of this post. Time to see if I can fit in a shower to refresh and wash the day off before we head out on our next adventure. If only we could keep to the "one thing per day" rule.

Ah well.

Ah well.

Ah well.

Sorry, I'm glitched.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto