Four-and-Thirty: Separate, shunned

I had this dream last night, a real vivid one, the kind that are really embarrassing to think about in the light of day. It tends to happen when I'm writing a lit because I get caught up in old feelings that I draw on for my craft. I wouldn't say they have any bearing on any waking thoughts or situations in my life.

So in this dream, there's this girl I'm after, and after some rejection I somehow manage to win her over and it feels good (honestly, the feelig sounds more like solving a big writing problem.) I guess the girl was represented by this person I went to grade school with. Not someone I knew well personally, but I did know her friends a bit. And I never thought much about her, except maybe she developed a little earlier than some of the other girls, who knows. Not on my radar, definitely not one of the girls I hopelessly dopily obsessed over in grades 7, 8, 9. I think maybe I had tech with her in grade 9, she was friends with Kenzi  but that may have been the last I heard of her. I won't do her the disservice of putting her name here though.

So now here I am, on my phone ready to go to bed again and I think, what became of her? Not hard to find on FB, we have mutual friends. I click in, look at two or three of her posts and oh brother. She became some kind of anti-vax nut freedom convoy person. You know, you always hear about those people but I don't really know any of them. I'm a little spoiled that most of the people I care about got more liberal and more radical as we got older. Top it all off, she has this absolutely abhorrent Karen* hair, this ugly bowl cut that never looked good on anyone.

* I hate that term as I have an Aunt Karen who is very sweet, and good to service workers. But unfortunately it has cultural currency

But, you know, she seems happy being mad at the government, married with kids. That's her biz.

I was actually all settled in to do a whole routine about how unsatisfied I'm feeling with my life (career and sense of purpose wise) but that whole venture knocked it right out of me.

So I got, basically, the staycation I wanted last week. I got to do a ton of writing in the mornings (some of which I may even keep) we did an outdoor workout for the only time this year, and we ended up going to Niagara Falls on Wednesday. That was a tight call. You know, Mel has some bad days and she's just not great at mornings sometimes and though we try not to let it affect us, it does, and she was not feeling it at this particular time. So we hemmed and hawed about what it all meant, and decided we were okay not going, until somehow we talked ourselves back into it and went. 

For me, it wasn't even that I cared so much about the Falls, it was that if we felt like we needed to do something during the week it could be that. We hadn't ever taken a day trip to Niagara in all the time we've been together and now we live reasonably close so... right?

I put on the road music and we hit the road. We parked at the casino but we really wanted to do Clifton Hill, so we took a long walk over, down the hill and back up. As we didn't even stop by the Falls, Mel wondered if we take it for granted. First stop was Dinosaur Adventure Golf, which Mel always wanted to do, it was fun (I won by 3 strokes, probably the first time I've beaten her at mini golf) then we got lunch at Boston Pizza andchit the midway. Skee-ball, shooting, and other ticket games, including a very successful Deal or No Deal where we turned down the banker's offer of 12 and were rewarded with 30 tickets. (I wonder if that game even makes sense to people too young to have seen the show?) We also played the Walking Dead arcade game, given our recent revival of interest in thst series. For all our trouble we walked out with two little rubber ducks and two plastic tops.

We took the high route back but it was far from scenic and totally drained us, plus we never got Starbuckses we had intended. Oh well. Dinner that night was leftover BoPi and eggs. Eggs for dinner... they're becoming quite common around here.

The week progressed. I had what felt like a major allergy attack overnight on Thursday, but thd next day it started to feel like a genuine cold. I didn't pay it much mind, as is my habit, until Saturday, when we were supposed to see the family again for Thanksgiving part 2 (we used to complain about too many gatherings and now??) We were almost ready to get dressed and go -- hell, I already was -- when Mel suggested I take a covid test just to be sure, before we saw everyone.

And what do you know. 2.5 years in, it finally caught me.

As I indicated, it was/is a very mild case, hardly affecting me more than a cold, but that's not to say I don't take it seriously. We stayed home, much to our chagrin. I was truly more annoyed that it had ruined our plans and, to the present moment, has really upset our dynamic. I know it's not healthy but I truly am the doer, the caregiver in the relationship, and it's weird to try to step back from that even for a weekend. 

Saturday didn't feel good or right, we were just off all day, but eventually settled in and watched RuPaul's Secret Celebrity Drag Race. The night was further complicated when we ordered food (because I sure wasn't cooking) but they got Mel's order wrong because of course they would, the one time we really needed it to be right (well, we always need it to be right but Saturday was special for that.) We got a refund and ordered again. The downfall of contactless delivery. 

Sunday was better, even as most of it was spent with Mel watching a livecast of this woman selling crystals, leaving me to... well, actually I had a fun interaction going on Twitter with my X-Men account so it was a win all around. The past few nights we have slept separately, which is a drag (and the source of this post's title.)

We're still a little off kilter, I'm not 100% yet but getting better, still masked around her (and getting slight cauliflower ears from it) and haven't re-tested to see if I'm negative yet.

Today was back to work, which filled me with all sorts of feelings given I just got a week's worth of veritable freedom and now I'm not only back to the grind, but on a portfolio I am decidedly un-psyched about. I was all set to unload these feelings on you tonight but then "Karen" (sorry) happened and I guess -- for a brief moment -- it doesn't seem important.

Believe me there will be plenty of opportunities in the future, but there was tons else to talk about, and my thumbs hurt.

Keep on rockin'

SW

Three-and-Thirty: The Cash-In

I want to check in with you right now because I specifically want to note how good I'm feeling. It's not that many things have changed day-to-day, it's that I go through times of greater or lesser frustration and satisfaction with what I have, and usually this blog catches me in those low ebb moments.

But honestly I'm on something of a several-day high. After a few busy weeks at work heading into the Holiday season, I'm in the midst of my vacation -- actually technically this is the first day of vacation, since it was just Thanksgiving weekend previously.

The week was perhaps a little "off" given it's Mel's first week after finishing her job, so she's been sleeping later and then hanging out on the couch. I realize I didn't mention it at the time but man did they run her ragged on the way out the door, including an entire weekend spent working 10-hour days. I think she said she ended up working 80 hours in one week. It wasn't just her, it's that the whole project is being run on an accelerated timeline and frankly the further it went the more it seemed untenable. But she's out now.

Anyway, the "Offness" resulted in some late nights because Mel's sleep schedule was off. I actually managed okay. I'm sleeping good most nights right now, and for a while we changed it up by sleeping in the spare bedroom. This lifestyle made possible by Work From Home.

On Friday we went grocery shopping to get everything we needed for the weekend, which was a lot since we had agreed the previous weekend (at Nonna's) to host some people for a pseudo-thanksgiving. I was going to make the carrots and turnip, and we were also doing brussels sprouts with onions and bacon, and had planned on some potatoes, and of course a homemade pumpkin cream cheese pie for dessert. Saturday we spent cleaning as much as possible and making room for us to make this pie. We ended up being a little late to Dad's for his birthday, which was convenient as I had been asked to pick the guys up, but I had already asked that Brandon find his own way the weekend before and this made that beneficial. Eric was there, as he was taking some time off from work for wellness, a move we all applauded, after sort of bottoming out recently. He thinks he might never drink again, I say take it one day at a time.

It was a nice night, except that the Jays lost their wild card bid, as Brandon had the updates on his phone. The evening wound down with dad nodding off on the couch. He's been working in Brampton lately, and I think he's a little fed up about it. They're also going to California after Christmas, which I know Deb has really been looking forward to being able to do.

Sunday, I power-cleaned and Mel and I completed an important task for the day. Though the place will never been 100% ship shape it looked really good by the time people started arriving. Mama H helped with the dishes, Unc helped me chop carrots, everyone seemed to have a good time. Poor Nonna had a black eye from a fall earlier in the week. Otherwise it was a great day, very successful.

Yesterday was sort of a pajama day. I got up and did some writing, making a ton of progress in general these days. Mel wanted to move a shelf that we had said we would do forever ago but kind of forgot about. I didn't really want to do *anything* chorelike after the busy weekend. I thought maybe that disappointed Mel, but she seemed to understand. Then I suggested maybe going for a walk in the bright autumn sun and for a bit she seemed into it but preferred instead to go nap, as is her right. That was her turn to feel bad but I assured her it was okay, we are having our days off any way we see fit. Wednesday we have plans to go to the Falls. (Nonna, when we saw her last week, asked if we were going and suggested she could come along, which was very cute and hard to say no to. She didn't press the issue this past weekend so we're just going to quietly go without her so that we don't have to spend the whole time at the casino. Another time, I think/hope.) Having finished everything of the Walking Dead on Netflix, we cleared out our PVR of TLC shows... I don't know what else to watch when the time comes!

Today I think we'll move the shelf, and also I'll probably shower and put on proper pants.

Like I said, I'm happy. This is already the exact staycation I wanted. I know Mel had really hoped to contrive a way to get to one of the Fairmont properties but there ended up being reasons we couldn't that extended far beyond simple cashflow or my reluctance to plan. We did, however, resolve to take a Mexican getaway in January, which will be our long-delayed honeymoon.

Things are just going right, right now. But now, having let Mel snooze probably well past what she wanted, I am going to go wake her up and see if she wants to get started on our day.

Ciao and keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Two-and-Thirty: Crept

It's just a little after midnight on October 1, and I have slipped out of bed to write this. "This," of course, is anything, any kind of distraction from the "bad thoughts" that are keeping me up. I don't mean to be dramatic of course, I just have some unresolved issues. As I lay my head to sleep, my brain was overloaded with negative thinking about where I am at work, relative to others, and how I've found dead ends over and over and my usual unresolved ambivalence toward even advancing at a job (I don't know that I want to, yet I know that I don't want to seem like I don't want to. And if I pursue it in fear of the latter, then to quote David Byrne, watch out, you might get what you're after.)

The thoughts circle my head and I am very awake for them, and I hope me getting out of bed didn't disturb Mel from getting to sleep. Whenever I think I am going to leave the bed I always wait to hear the change in her breath that makes it sound like she's asleep. I think it's a strategy that works because she's never brought it up and in fact when I have discussed it she's seemed surprised that I do it as often as I do -- which is maybe once per week on average, maybe less.

I was actually going to do something else (because I suppose writing a blog here would involve ruminating on those usual negative thoughts) but I am here and started now.

It was a busy week. Some stuff fell on my plate late last week -- a big time event with a prominent radio host whose book just came out -- that resulted in a logistical nightmare, but if I'm being honest it's nothing I can't handle. Honestly, it was the kind of misery that makes me feel good, because I get to look good for taking care of it, and I get to complain and make jokes to my fellows, and it makes me feel competent and vital. Win-win-win. After five long years at this job I ought to be able to handle most of what gets thrown my way, and if anything I'm too good at it. I just don't know what else I can do.

I'm trying to be more vocal. I'm insinuating myself into situations more and taking action and leading by example. I'm probably still not the idea-generator they would loooove me to be but I'm pitching in where I can and I'm making a fair show at growing and improving. From my perspective there will always be gaps in my game but other people don't always see gaps.

Ugh, I'm fixating, this is not what I'd hoped to do here.

So work was what it was for me, and I found that things were getting so heavy all around I proposed we IAs have a drink sesh after work today, which went well, although I will admit with eight or 9 people on a call not all being able to speak at once, people who have been around less time won't feel as welcome. Oh well oh well.

This was Mel's last week at her current job. It was busy and full but it finally ended. This past weekend she had to put in two full days -- actually long, 10-hour days -- leaving me to my own devices (writing and watching Saturday Morning All Star Hits, mostly.) It's hard to believe it happened but it's here and it's done and it's for the best. I gave her a celebration by ordering The Keg for us tonight. Then we settled in and watched Top Gun Maverick, a movie Mel has been dying to see forever.

Me, I'll admit, I'm not as on top of things as I sometimes am. The kitchen is a mess, we're not planning meals, it's just a bit of chaos and living moment-to-moment lately. I wonder if a change in Mel's routine might spur me/us to clean up the act, but who knows.

This is, if I'm being honest, an uninspired and disappointing post considering the weight of the moment. I really should have written that other thing. There's still time. We're seeing mom tomorrow, Nonna and the fam on Sunday, and Dad next week for his birthday (and presumably Thanksgiving.) Lots going on. Then I have a vacation lined up. We were going to try to get away, but the plans fell through on multiple fronts (logistical, cost, opportunity) and we admitted it wasn't going to happen so I got my staycation much, I'm sure, to Mel's chagrin. We do, however, have tentative plans to finally make a getaway in the new year, stay tuned.

Honestly, that's it. They can't all be winners. But I insist I am happy with life overall. Earlier tonight as she was falling asleep, Mel said "I love you" (we say this a lot) and I said it back, and then she randomly said "We love each other" and I kind of laughed because it was a cute and random thing to say. We've been together 7 years, nearly 8, married for nearly 3, and we're still nuts about each other. Tell me that isn't adorable. How can life be bad when I've got that in it?

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto