1:19 PM: On the water, truly and unruly

This is getting to be a bit of a habit... not that I mind.

I like posting more frequently, because when I leave it too long the posts all just become summaries of things I've done. Which is weird because I don't do a lot. Posting more frequently invites me to get a little deeper into my thoughts and feelings. If only I had some of those, too.

I've been a little distracted lately, perhaps thinking of the great beyond, the fate that awaits us all. Facebook served me up a scrollbait article (is that what they're called?) about little kids saying things about past lives, which is something that always intrigues me, and a few of the accounts have stuck with me, eerie as they are. Fact or fiction? We may never know.

Anyway. That leads to some dark and spooky thoughts, and you would think I would not want to be alone with them and yet here I am awake at 12:30 AM and not sleeping. Well smart guy, how am I supposed to sleep with thoughts like that running through my head? I need distraction. Yet I have nothing, besides maybe some TV (ooh, and maybe I'll make some popcorn.)

I don't really want to write, either fiction or X-Cerpts. I'm a little drained on both. I started a little story but I had to stop it because I found it distasteful. I didn't even save the draft! I could easily start it over if I ever saw the need. But some ideas... I mean, just because you have them doesn't need they need to be done. I have a lot of ideas like that. They simply aren't places I think I ought to go, vibes I do not need to put out into the universe. Maybe if I had unlimited time to contemplate it and work on the puzzle box of the story, to crack the code that would make it okay for me to write, maybe, maybe, but I think not.

We had, in spite of things, a nice day. I had to fit a lot-lot of work into my summer half day, then go to the mall to return a pair of pants and pick up some lunch, which Mel ate late at her desk. She worked late. Then we went to the bank to pick up her credit card and pick up some stuff at Shoppers, then went to Tims for some cold drinks and a bit of sushi to have with leftover Chinese for dinner (sushi AND Chinese? What are we, at Mandarin?) We settled in and watched the Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker on Netflix, then decompressed with an episode of Is It Cake. We are truly living the high life.

We declined an invite out for tomorrow to focus on chilling. We'll make it up to the inviter later in the summer but for now we need us-time. It's been a busy few months.

Really truly, I feel like we haven't been able to appreciate it and it will be gone before you know. Maybe that's why I stay up late. But we haven't hardly been out in the backyard, what with the rain and the smoky air. Gave up on doing anything more with the garden, it feels. Didn't even put the gnomes out or the lights up! We haven't been in one spot long enough all summer, it feels like. I don't know. 

I was sitting outside for a bit. It's eerie in the dark. Our lights give full brightness, but the plants don't look the same. I'm listening to R.E.M., but not UP as would be usual -- Monster. I respect the hell out of this album. Misunderstood and maligned.

I was thinking earlier this week about songs I wrote when I was a teenager. I remember snippets of them, some I could probably fully reconstruct, but the file where I had them saved is long gone, as is the site I was maintaining at the time. Some of it is backed up on Archive.org, but it's strangely hit and miss and all the ones I would genuinely want to revisit (Ie, the ones that are only 95% cringey, rather than 100%) got missed. Damn. I took a swing at adding to one of them on Tumblr. Yes, for some reason I do occasionally still put things on Tumblr. I have certain vehicles for certain types of thought, not that I use any of them all that often.

It's the same reason I seemed to physically reject the garage sale at first. I'm a hoarder (not literally) sometimes it physically pains me to not have access to anything from my past. I'm processing that, I'm getting through it. But man. No big loss, materially speaking.

The house is a mess. Laundry needs doing. Kitchen needs cleaning. Gotta vacuum, sweep, dust and probably mop just about everything. Don't feel particularly motivated to do that (certainly not now at 1 AM, but also during the day.)

I didn't mention, last week we made time to see mom. She succeeded in selling the house, as she texted me while we were at Matt and Rita's wedding. and she found a new one. I had a very real concern that she wasn't going to be able to. I knew she has a few nitpicks for this one, but this is unfortunately the situation she's found herself in. When we spoke to Lori a while before that, she mentioned she had lectured mom about getting into a rental and thinking more prudently, but mom said she just didn't agree. Well, here we are now. Anyway, I think that's one less tough thing to have to worry about.

This one is really going nowhere. Just did it to do it. It would have been nice to feel more motivated to use this time in any other way, but that's the way it goes sometimes

(Really, is that the person I've become?

[Oh, you know it is])

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

1:11 PM: Dancing

So, it's about 1 AM here. I could be in bed, and I might even be asleep, but I'm not. I'm not particularly tired although I had what I would describe as a normal amount of caffeine during the day. I could probably stand to cut back on the pop -- it's become a staple for lunch when it hadn't been for a while.

It's really about that sweet sweet revenge bedtime procrastination. Whatever, I'm up. But for the last, oh, hour or so, I haven't been even doing anything with my upness. Just scrolling, stupid shit on my phone. Trying to feel the aloneness and not feel the aloneness all at once. The quiet, and yet also subjecting myself to the headache-inducing static of the unsleeping online world. I don't know. I didn't feel like taking any action. I also didn't feel like watching old comfort TV. And I didn't feel like sleeping.

So?

I keep meaning to philosophize about the way the days keep going by, but oh, what's the use? This is life. Get up, make my coffee -- always a highlight -- have a bit of phone time and a bagel before work, then work, plus a little bit of distraction, then lunch, then more distraction than work probably, water the garden, dinner, tv, bed. Those are the weekdays that peel away, and it sounds sad to say it like that but I must stress this: this is not forever. For once in my life I feel we are moving toward something, slowly though it may be, and whatever is now will pass and be but a memory in the future. So what's the sense in getting all profound about it? Sit tight.

We went to the trailer, um, a couple of weeks ago I guess... time is moving strangely lately so it's hard to gauge. June was such a slow burn but July is evaporating before our eyes, it's funny. It was the week of July 2-5. I had a whole post written about the last bit of June, that I did up there but didn't post. You'll see it below this one soon, it'll be backdated.

The preparation for the trailer was a misadventure. We tried to do good and make a list of everything we needed and I still missed some stuff. I feel like such a knob with my brain lately. I honestly think it's just distraction, getting more serotonin from things that are not my daily every day life that I should be more present in. Not to knock my real life or the people I spend it with, but yeah, the mind wanders. I've never been great at being "present."

It wasn't as bad as last year when I forgot the keys until we were 1/3 of the way up there, but it wasn't great either. I forgot certain ingredients for the lunches we wanted to make, so I had to hurry into a FreshCo in Fergus to get some while en route. Then on day two as we were preparing to go in the pool -- which is of course the big attraction for Mel the self-proclaimed "water baby" -- I realized I had forgotten my swimsuit. It was on the list! But during the part of the packing that would have been devoted to adding it to the suitcase, my attention was drawn to other things.

Luckily, Aunt Lori and Gail hadn't left yet -- we had spent the night before hanging at their trailer chatting (interrupting what we clearly going to be a movie night, hopefully not unwelcome) and Mel suggested I should go see if Cam had ever left a swimsuit up here. And by good fortune, he had! And it fit me, if a little bit snugly! And it had Minions on it! So you know, my aesthetic.

It was good though. I tried not to carry the guilt of my faulty brain too much. We had a nice time. The weather was good, all sun, no rain despite the forecast, meaning swimming every day (there were some kids lounging by the pool every day, who I guess had some permission.) The usual shenans. We got home late on Wednesday, with me gunning it as usual to the sound of the Arctic Monkeys' first album. We got to Boston Pizza in Burlington at 9 PM or so to pick up our late dinner.

That all felt like a big story I was going to tell when it was happening and now it's just... you know, whatever. Kind of the story of my life. Whilst up there, I got an idea for a story that I was excited to start.

On Thursday we went to the bank, riveting. The subsequent Friday we went to Matthew and Rita's wedding out in Niagara-on-the-Lake. Long day, and hot but not unbearable as we were mostly in the shade. Food was good, music was good, there were lots of young folks for dancing -- I guess I wasn't feeling like giving it my all, the kids were doing plenty of that so I sort of just shimmied next to Mel. I'm getting up there, you know! Tired legs, sore knees etc. What do I have to prove?

I... could not tell you what we did for the rest of that weekend except I think we pretty much just lounged and enjoyed our time off. This past weekend we had some birthdays to attend, Deb's and Nonna's. For Deb's, Eric was able to make it, having worked a lunch shift rather than a dinner as he had thought, so it was great to catch up with him. At Nonna's, we pretty much just did cake and watched America's Funniest Videos on the antenna. 

Like I said, it's not important to have big deep thoughts about the minutia right now. It's more important to enjoy it. Savor it. Be zen, be the tranquil pond. Or the river, or something.

Well, I've typed. I've made some noise in the night and drained myself. Turns out there really wasn't all that much of consequence. Just a lot of One Tree Hill re-watching.

Keep on Rockin'

Scotto

12:07 PM In one sense and out the other

So, I'm at the trailer, writing this on my phone, which is always fun. We elected not to bring a laptop because, well, why bother? We are, after all, on a getaway, so here we are, getting away.

Prior to the trip, the month of June was pure exhaustion. It was hard to believe, by June 30th, that we were still in the same calendar month as our garage sale, as so much had happened or been done. Funeral, dump day, father's day, wedding...appointments... it felt like we hardly had a moment's breath. And rain, so much rain.

Last weekend was Rielle's wedding. It was definitely a schlep to get to Oshawa, and drizzly too. The forecast had called for rain all weekend so she messaged the night before to let everyone know it would now an indoor affair. We got on the road and Mel did not feel good about the way Google was taking us so we made some attempts at a detour that, naturally, lost us some time (can I say I might have done the same? I'm prone to making gut moves that don't pan out but a lot of the time on the road I like to stay committed, so who knows. I don't fault her. ) Luckily we had left in good time so we got there with an hour before the ceremony. It had been quite smooth sailing for the last leg of the drive coming out of the city. And sunny to boot -- sunny and damn hot, perfect day for an outdoor wedding. Oh well, better safe than etc.

We had an hour to kill before the wedding, which was by design, so we found food. We had figured McDonald's but with time running a bit thin we found a Quesada and had tacos (both of us ended up somewhat regretting the spice but were glad we had filled ourselves before the wedding.)

Ceremony was nice. They had done good stuff with the space, decor-wise. It was a pretty simple ceremony aside from the 8-minute prog rock performance Dan gave of his vows. It was quite the conversation piece. My own feelings are both impressed -- it was very elaborate and obviously from the heart -- and, well... it was an 8-minute prog rock epic about their cosmic destiny together. Could perhaps have used some editing. But I well know that when you have the spotlight of a wedding on you you MILK IT.

It was a good wedding. The food was via an Indian restaurant, My Roti Place. We mingled with the folks we knew -- Mel's old coworkers Goeff and John, and Rielle's old roommates. We also semi-knew the people at our table from a party we had attended years ago. Mel had been worried we wouldn't know people but I assured her we usually made the best of these situations, and in this case I was right. It was a lively bunch and we even exchanged numbers with one of the couples who live in Hamilton.

We danced, although the dancing was not as lively as some weddings we've been to (ahem ahem) and just as the music was getting going we were called outside to do sparklers -- which was fun but then once we were out in the cool open evening air, and chatting with Rielle's sister, we had little incentive to go back in (eventually we did and I did my big move -- although I'm getting old and really FEELING IT.)

We had figured we wouldn't stay to the end but ended up going the distance. We went back to the hotel, crashed, and I woke up early and diddled on my phone waiting for Mel, while someone in the hallway or perhaps another room watched the Radioactive Man episode of The Simpsons very loudly. We grabbed Tims for breakfast and hit the road (I was initially going to drive but Mel asked to and I wouldn't stand in her way.)

The week progressed. Rain, bad air, work. We did end up having McD's for lunch one day, which I ended up dropping Mel's fries on the ground, which was the source of a minor meltdown for me because I was having a bad day -- having made a shockingly major screwup at work that I was undoubtedly accountable for, due to being, I don't know, a little complacent and autopiloty... which brings up a ton of other negative feelings about work lately. I was also feeling guilty about leaving Mel alone for an evening while I went to AEW with Brandon, because she gets pretty bad separation anxiety (I know, I know it's something to work on) as demonstrated by her overall negative feelings on Dump Day. She couldn't find anyone to spend the evening with her.

Well it turned out ok. She treated herself to some Kelsey's and watched Indian Matchmaker. For me, the show was good. Fun to go out to a wrestling show and see a tidy little event without going overboard. Sad we had to duck out early to make the bus but Brandon was raring to go after 2 hours in that arena and there wasn't much we were desperate to see in the Rampage taping afterward.. I had only a hot dog and pop for dinner so when I got home, after spending some time with Mel before she nodded off, I made popcorn and watched, yes, old Simpsons.

I'll break there and come back with another post about the trailer, as I've gone over a lot (as I indicated there would be much) and there is more to tell, including perhaps things that have not happened yet.

(Note from the distant future: I ended up posting this on Jul 20.)

Keep on rockin'

Scotto