One: Where you stand

As I often do to begin my day, I woke up and opened TimeHop. Early last year I got that app and made a habit to revisit my Twitter timeline, often finding a neat synchronicity. I worry that I am stuck in the past, especially because I know I am romanticizing it. But it's purely recreational, I insist. Anyway, today's featured a note from 2010 on how I should write up the "past few days." It occurred to me that I couldn't really remember New Yesrs 2009 -- unsurprising as the entire point of this blog is that I have a very poor memory for personal events. So I went looking for it. As it happensit wasn't even visible on the Jan 2010 page because I guess I had done so many entries thst month (a sad layout problem that occasionally causes posts early in a big month to fall through the cracks - certainly not an issue I woild have now.) Luckily I knew it was missing because of the kooky numbering schemes I have always used for my titles here.

So I went and looked it up and it was nice - NYE that year was nothing, but Dec 30 was that party I went to at Vanessas where I ended up going to Dennys with Cary afterward, and we still thought it was possible we were going to do another play after Half-Past. Sigh.

I read a few more posts from around that time and then a few from when I came back to SWP a little bit in 2017. As usual that made me want to write and I am relieved to remember I did in fact write a post early in December. It's a little sad that in that post I just tossed off the news of getting engaged without ruminating more on it. I popped the question while decorating her family's Christmas tree, which I knew would be a special time. I had asked her parents permission weeks earlier and indicated thst would be when. My only regret was that it was basically a year out from our chosen date so there was no time to breathe it all in.

The Friday before Christmas I fell victim to a rather huge panic attack. After girding myself against such thoughts with work I really felt I was going to disappoint lots of people, and frustrated by all the preparations we had to make. I was shaking, pacing, hyperventilating... Mel was sympathetic but did say it seemed like I was "playing it up," which, between you and me (or really just me) stung. I'll admit I leaned into it. I was overwhelmed and out of control of my faculties. Nobody likes to see a person like that. But I was very much broken down that night and even though much of the weekend it was hard for us to feel Christmas magic. I had tainted it. (A somewhat regrettable facet of our relationship, which I hope this isn't foreshadowing, is that it never feels like I am allowed to be the weak one.)

Anyway. It was what it was and sometimes these things grip you and you need to release it. I feel bad because it's not really a pattern with me, just the very rare episode, so I don't feel right claiming any kind of chronic mental issue. It probably wouldn't hurt to see a therapist or something, kust in general, but I guess I just feel too stu born or proud to reach out, and like I'm mostly, usually, basically fine. Not perfect but fine.

So the run up to Christmas was a bit tainted, and while I hate to speak ill of the holiday itself it was what it was. Actually probably smoother than some since mom only wanted us for the 26th so the stuff was spread out (which has good and bad qualities.) Oddly enough on that one, whwn we left, Mel was the one saying we could have stayed longer. But I had to get up early the next day to go to work from Oakville and we were entering the portion of the night where we just default to discussing family members.

I felt I had disappointed dad a bit, which is inevitable since he gets his hopes up that we're going to rejoin the Christmas Eve Chinese Food tradition that became tradition in absence of other traditions. I also probsbly could have gotten him better gifts - he's so easy to shop for that he becomes hard to shop for because you fall back on the standbys.

We spent lots of time with Mel's fam, saw lots of Unc and Sherlie. We all went to Niagara Falls. Mel was hoping to get an engagement ornament (I should have anticipated the need!) But was disappointed in the selection.  Then we walked by the lights and they were fine, a few displays were out. Then we tried to find a place for dinner: plan a was Boston Pizza, but they were full. Plan b was Kelseys and they were worse, and the hostess looked dead misersble to boot. Then we checked Montanas and while it initially seemed like a wait we managed to get a table for 8 in decent time. The food was a while and a bit cold, but the waitress was very apologetic as she has dropped a tray of waters on us. We played TicTacToe and Hangman with the crayons.

From there we went and saw the fireworks, and did a bit of gaming at the casino. Fun, although Mel was probably rolling her eyes at how little I was willing to lose.

The next day we packed up and dinally came home. The 31st was nice and calm, with a cozy morning followed by what I would call a productive afternoon, although Mel didn't get to do everything she was hoping. We ordered way more Chinese food than 2 people can eat and watched a few movies, flipping to the Seacrest Countdown at 11:30.

I feel odd marking the end and beginning of this year. It really feels like a middle as far as I'm concerned. We moved in at thecend of 2017. We'll be married by the end of 2019. We have a whole future ahead and it strangely doesn't feel like this year will have much time for extra projects so why plan them?

And yet there's always more I want to do. Maybe this year. Maybe next. Maybe someday.

Keep on rockin'
Scotto