Twenty: The Break

It took a while to get back here. For a while I was posting quite frequently, but I have been alternately adrift and in-the-moment lately so it's not been right for posting. It won't surprise anyone that I am once again posting at 12:30 in the morning and refusing to sleep, but really sleep is refusing me. I was getting quite drowsy on the couch, 9, 9:30, 10, but then before we turned in for the night I had much to do as far as tidying up the kitchen and taking out the trash, so I guess that woke me up. Oh, it was a beautiful warm wet evening after the rain. As I laid down my brain had a hard reboot where I started thinking about things I am writing or want to write or was writing long ago and maybe could get back to. Oh, my X-Cerpts, oh my smut, oh my literary novel, oh the script I wrote for Netflix Pitch Day two years ago, oh, oh.

Oh, this blog.

I don't write-write after midnight anymore. My brain is simply too tired and foggy. Nothing good comes out and there's no sense in pushing it, with the exception -- very occasionally but a lot less so lately -- of if I'm super awake and think I can get some X-Men blogging done, if I think I have some good quips loaded or something started. But as far as original material, I don't bother. Daylight hours only. But a blog on SWP, sure, sure.

I treated myself to a Coke with dinner tonight and I don't think I'll be pulling that trick again on a school night for the foreseeable future. That's on me, I should know better, you know I'm not the 23-year-old kid who doesn't give a shit anymore.

I do prize a good night's sleep these days.

Oh, you know I'm listening to R.E.M.'s UP album again. This band and me, man, I can't quit 'em. They're too good.

So, you want the tea, I'll spill it. After my little mini-vacay with the Wedding, I came back on Monday to find that one of my colleagues had put in her notice, a buyer I work with. It was shocking and unforeseen. Add to this, the news I had missed that Murray was switching departments, ending our longstanding association (which goes back to my first day at home office, aside from most of 2018.)

I decided to minimize the hemming and hawing and just go for it, applying for the opening. Not Murray's, the other one as a buyer. Is this what I want to do? Do I just think it's important to be seen applying for this opportunity? Do I think I would be any good? Ultimately it doesn't matter and I leave it up to the last remaining director to determine if I am right for the job. I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't apply for it, if someone got this job -- especially someone I already know -- and I didn't put myself up for it, if I spent the next years of my life going "That could'a been me!" as I sorta already do with certain others out there. An opportunity like this does not come around very often at all.

You're never ready for these things, I certainly wasn't in 2017 when I made the jump in the first place. 

The weeks since have been a blur. Mel took Monday off ill, she's going through some things regarding her work but you know, this isn't her blog to tell these things. She started -- arbitrarily as far as I can tell (or because she a freek) -- watching the Netflix comedy Big Mouth, which has been enjoyable.

Sometimes I have cause to think how lucky I am. Any relationship will have strife, bitterness, discomfort. Sometimes I take my wife for granted and sometimes she does the same to me. Sometimes there's hard feelings but there's always love. And sometimes that love comes up in strange ways that remind me how unique this experience is. Mel comes and sees me in the kitchen singing a weird little song and I say in an affected, exaggerated voice like a parent or a kindergarten teacher, "That's a nice little song baby, did you just make that up?" And we have that kind of dynamic. I think people have been worried over the years that I am not myself in this relationship, that I somehow lost myself. That's not true, and that's why I love it. Because with her I am unabashedly, fully myself, in all my weird glory. A version of myself, perhaps different from what I gave friends years ago, or give this blog, or give my brothers, but only different by shades and degrees. I feel like back when I was on the dating circuit, I would meet these girls that made me feel like, "How do I... give you my weird? How do I be me to you?" And it's not like they would have objected to me, per se, I'm sure (although the fact that I got very few second dates gives you some hints.) I was stilted and censored, trying to match the person's wavelength. I never liked that. It was hard for me, it made a hard thing worse than it needed to be.

But with Mel, it's easy. It's always been easy. I say whatever comes to mind and she goes with it. She is not somebody that I would have thought would be that kind of partner, when we first met. I thought of her as just a nice normal girl, and I probably didn't let my full weird out at first but it's been 7.5 years, and for a lot of that I have been fully full-on me. And I think I've probably influenced her, brought out whatever weird was in there.

I think there's no shortage of women who say they can do that for you, and maybe for a lot of people they can, but for many years of dating life I never met someone who did that for me. That's how I've always known she was the right one.

It was Father's Day last weekend, and we did the tour, seeing Mel's parents and making homemade pizza on Saturday, then my dad on Sunday. At first things were frosty because of a little bit of friction on our end -- I won't get into the details but it involves Mel being asked to do something she hates being asked to do -- and it was a little janky because Alex was there with his new girl -- and they're very very nice but we're not all that close. Eric wasn't initially there because he had to work, but he got sent home because he was on the verge of working overtime, so he made it.

Then we fell into our old rhythms, which felt good, as we prattled on and on in our usual way about whatever -- coyotes, possums, Harry and the Hendersons, probably to the utter bafflement of anyone who wasn't a Williams born between 1982 and 1988.

We're an odd bunch ya know.

This weekend was sedate. Mel was actually feeling guilty about it, but I assured her she did plenty. Yesterday she got her nails done and we checked out Giant Tiger, and we were going to go to her friend Katy's birthday in the city, but alas COVID, so we stayed home and had kebabs, which I wanted to try making after a convo I had with Laura the prior weekend. Today we cleaned our room. It can't be a waste of a day if I swiffer under the bed, you know. We had Manwiches for dinner, which Mel had yearned for based on nostalgia for visiting her aunt in her youth, but as these things go, it was sweeter than she remembered and she declared we didn't need to have it ever again.

After we ate outside there was a freak rainstorm, a real downpour. Made me glad this was the one day I forgot to water the lawn and the outside plants. I've been keeping up on this, trying to give lots of water to the front lately because the maple that hangs over our yard (but is situated in the neighbors) is parched, its leaves browning prematurely. So it needs care. There's only so much you can do once it starts, but it's best practice for next year. Idk idk. The backyard looks kinda shitty because we are waiting for a reno which is taking a while to get going. Mel's getting antsy about it but it's actually not in our hands right now. Last year we did a lot more gardening, but Mel had more leeway to take time during her day to work on it. Now she can barely get away from her desk for lunch.

Guys, things are not super.

This, though, is where I leave you. I'm still not fully tired. Perhaps I'll treat myself to a Frasier and some Goldfish crackers for my snackiness.

It would be marvelous if I could trust myself to do some writing right now, but if I could and did, I might never end up going to sleep.

Love to you all.

Keep on rockin

Long sign off

Keep on rockin

Keep... on... 

rockin. 

Yeah.

Scotto.

Nineteen: Stand here

It's been a very full few days over here. Sunday we spent at the mall getting last-minute items for the wedding, including a new suit for me. We found a good one relatively quickly and settled on a decent shirt to go with it. I decided I would go no-tie and Chucks instead of dress shoes, hoping it would have kind of a casual summer feel. Mel got some shoes too, and we bought a card and a gift for Baby aubrey. We had steaks for dinner. Tuesday, Mel and I were back in the city. She was called into her office and I decided to go into mine as it felt like a good opportunity rather than to sit at home and wait for Mel to come home late, since I would be driving her in the morning anyway (let her go on her own and leave the car at the GO station? I'd have anxiety about not being able to leave the house!) For me it was an okay day, quiet and productive, teeing things up for having the rest of the week off. For Mel it was... yet another chapter in the book of negative experiences she's had with work, largely stemming from things she had told her boss she would do when she got home, and then were done by said boss in the interim.

It's a whole thing.

We stopped for dinner at Jack Astor's on the way home, just a nice meal of some wings and fries, got in late, had our drama, then cooled off with some Drag Race.

The next day was David and Annie's wedding. It was a bit hectic getting ready in the morning and we found ourselves a bit behind the 8-ball at times, but it worked out in the end. We had agreed to ferry Mel's friend Katy over, which involved going all the way to Lansdowne and then doubling back to the airport for the wedding, which was at the Vue (where Joe and Viki had gotten married some 5 years ago.) It was a hectic ride but it was nice to have Katy along for a stretch, she's always fun, and she enjoyed my 00s Radio playlist that Mel had requested. I know my people.

The wedding was great, a really small, intimate ceremony, mostly David's family and a few friends. Beautiful sunny afternoon for the outdoor ceremony, which ended before some clouds started rolling in, a good cocktail hour with quality appetizers (and plenty to go around) and a really terrific main course of ravioli and then prime rib. We got to meet Baby Aubrey in person, which was delightful (she liked my shirt and grabbed for it, and even smiled for me.) We had great seatmates in the form of Kyle and Hans, whom we had not properly met but got to know well over the course of the night. It was not going to be any kind of all-night dance fest with this crew, but once the family had largely filtered out we friends, many of whom we had just met. It devolved quickly into a karaoke night using the house PA (which was actually audible on the outside speakers, which... I'm pretty sure there was another function going on downstairs? Oops?)

That was a blast, as we all passed the mic around singing our karaoke faves (mostly 90s jams) with various levels of ability. But hey it's karaoke, you only get real points for effort. I was passed the mic for "Wannabe" and so my hammy side came out as I took the lead but randomly had others interject lines throughout, sometimes with very little rhyme or reason -- keeping the rap at the end for myself. I also busted out my Barry Gibb falsetto for "Staying Alive." Mel did Journey of course, and then duetted with Kyle and others on "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" which I sadly missed because I was in the restroom. Boo to that. We got the bartenders involved as we saw them snickering at us, so they led us in "Sweet Caroline." Many shots were consumed. One of the girls who could really sing, Carlene, did Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me" at Kyle's insistence, despite not really knowing it, and was great but the song kind of goes on and on so she tapped out. Someone said I should do another rap (moi?) so I flipped it to Beastie Boys' "Intergalactic" which Spotify callously did not have the lyrics for, so I did it off the top of my head and I would say I got an 88%. The night ended with a full rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody," which has been ending parties as long as I have been going to parties.

We had decided to stay in a hotel rather than drive home, and no regrets on that spot although we had a little difficulty settling in as Mel was having some wellness issues, but in the end, we got a decent night's sleep and left right on time for checkout. We had both booked the day off (and I booked tomorrow off too because hey, I've got to have a vacay sometime) but Mel had a call to get home to at 1:30. We just made it, picking up some McD's for lunch-breakfast as we got home. Mel has been napping for much of the afternoon and I napped with her for a bit (unusual for me) before waking up, treating myself to a coffee, and now writing this.

That about catches you up. No big existential dread content for today. I feel good. Well, I feel like I'm 35, a married suburban husband with questions about his career and dreams but I don't feel too bad about it. Damn, I almost got out of here without it.

Keep on rockin

-Scotto

Eighteen: You don't know what you've missed

Mel and I turned in early tonight, but I'm back. I was feeling a little drowsy earlier, way earlier than normal, and there are probably reasons for that, but after tossing and turning in bed I figured hey, let's do it. "It" being getting back up to diddle on the computer, not... you know. Not tonight. Too tired.

That's a joke.

The structure of this particular day was a little off. Whereas I usually enjoy a certain amount of time on weekend mornings to do my thing, waking Mel up for brunch at which point we do the day's agenda, we were getting an earlier start today so that we could hit the mall before Mel's nail appointment, which moved from 5 to 2:30. Also this morning was a garage sale in our complex. We didn't have it together to participate, but I don't regret that. Nobody else in our corner did it either and all the traffic was coming in through the other entrance, so we wouldn't have seen anybody. I have some pretty niche goods to unload so I'm not sure how we would have done. I mean, better than nothing, but worth the effort?

So, having gotten up reasonably early, I decided to take a boo, ended up conversing with a few of the neighbors. One nice older lady sold me 9 DVDs for $5, which had started as 6 for $5, all of which were "chick flicks" I thought Mel would enjoy or else I was buying ironically (how often does one have a chance to buy both Chasing Liberty and First Daughter in one shot? This is how I spend my hard earned money.) I had picked 7 but was unable to narrow it down. She said sure, take all 7, but observed that one of my selections was Legally Blonde, which she had three copies of and wasn't sure which one was defective, please, do take all three. Hence, 9 DVDs, 7 movies, 5 bucks. It's the kind of quality guarantee you don't typically expect or ask for from a garage sale. I also picked up a RISK set for a few bucks, practically new; that bad boy usually goes for about 34. My hope is to get the fam together for a RISK night sometime, either here or at the in-lawses.

After all that, we had a quick breakfast of McDonalds, which we do sometimes when we have coupons (more on this later) and then hit the mall. We got me a nice suit with some fun shirts that I could wear to the upcoming wedding this Wednesday, and Mel some shoes to go with the dress she borrowed from Laura, and some accessories. Overall a pretty full excursion, followed by Mel's nail appointment, during which I busied myself at home, then we got some pizza from a local place, not our usual. We wanted to take a chance on something different and honestly, it was a bit of a letdown. I don't think we'll be getting from there again.

All this led to us kind of getting into wind-down mode a little early for the night. We watched two movies and I just was ready to conk, by like 9:30.

I haven't posted since before the long weekend, and it has been quite a busy time. Saturday featured a nasty storm that passed into a lovely calm evening; we had passed on the opportunity to see friends that night because after Mel's travel and all the other stuff we had going on, we simply didn't have the energy to give. Sunday we did my birthday at Dad's, early -- Eric was able to come, having been wrangled early, it was nice to see him. Monday I don't really remember, but that evening it was back to the city. Mel and I both had to work a few days in the office, Tuesday and Wednesday, so we decided to treat ourselves to a hotel stay, which was........ okay, but did the trick of starting us off in the city and cutting down our commute home. Tuesday, all anyone could talk about was the storm, and even later in the week I heard about it from Scott G all the way in Ottawa. Mel and I got sushi from our favourite city place back from our apartment days, which was a big win except we got too much. 

Wednesday wasn't much of anything. Mel took a long time getting done with work and I ended up waiting around for her for a long while in the chilly air. We treated ourselves to Boston Pizza, where the manager tried to gaslight us out of our request for a marginally-less-spicy Perogy pizza (the trick is to ask for fewer potatoes) but we had a really good server who advocated for us.

The week proceeded toward the weekend. After Wednesday we came home but Mel had to keep working in the city. Thursday was my birthday but it was so hectic that we didn't do it big for the day-of, which is fine by me, I understand and I get plenty. Like, we self-consciously did it small with chicken fingers and mac salad for dinner, you know? Saturday, we went out to Port Credit and wandered by the water, getting ice cream from the truck in the library parking lot where we had snagged a spot. We saw water, we saw waves, we saw wind. Well, we felt the wind but I guess we also saw it blowing peoples' skirts around and such. We walked to the edge of the lakeshore area, found a little gift shop where Mel got me a little coffee-drinking smore-man ornament (to match ones we already have), then stopped in at a record store, where I indulged by getting the Arctic Monkeys' Suck It and See, Aerosmith's Get Your Wings (I already have Toys and Rocks) and, in a 3-for-5 deal, a Creedence Clearwater Revival, and AC/DC, and a Stars on LP. We went to a taqueria called El Jefe for dinner, and while we had some issues with the service -- our app went to the wrong table, and then we were going to get a deal on it, but it wasn't initially figured in, so there was that. Otherwise, great food, would recommend, would go again. It was a beautiful day for all of this.

Then on our way out, we watched cars circling the parking lot waiting for people to leave and make space. The idea of getting out of the rather crowded lot whilst surrounded by these vultures was kind of anxiety-producing so we just stood there and watched and waited for a good window. Honestly, getting out of that place, not just the library but the streets, was a mess. and then the traffic was backed up to Bronte on the way home so we ducked over to Dundas and came home that way.

The next day we saw the fam at Nonna's, for yet another birthday. We discussed my proclivity to use McDonalds Coupons, as I had while Mel was in the city (you know, it's a good excuse to grab a quarter pounder) and all of whatever else was going on. Lovely day, great lunch, nice gifts, good cake.

The rest of the week proceeded. There was heat. Tuesday we went to Mom's new place for dinner, a final birthday. Eric was there again. It was nice, we got a Hamburger cake, which was actually quite good. Toward the end of the evening, Ross put on the Jays game, which was actually pretty exciting for the time we saw, as they were in the lead, gave up a few runs, then got them back with interest.

There was a provincial election. It sucked.

The heat broke. Rain fell, at times very heavily. The power went out for about two hours on Wednesday, but came on in time for us to do a workout, which was without Kelly and nearly without Mel becuase she was working, but she joined 2/3 of the way through. Today was lovely and cool.

I really wanted to tell you all of that. I wish I hadn't saved it all for one post, but all those "the week went on" times involved work, life passing us by, and occasionally some things that I actually wanted to do like writing. I've been fretting over yet another project (or two or three) that I feel I might see my way through sooner or later. No time to catch up. At some point recently Mel and I went to dinner with Joe, which was nice to check in with that guy, we even went to Demetre's, which was kind of a blast from the past for all involved. 

I feel like I've succeeded in making myself drowsy by offloading all of this and possibly giving my brain something to do as well as a reminder that the waking world isn't all that. I told Tony during one of our days at the office that when I can't sleep I often read my journal entries back to myself in order to sooth my mind. It's true, but it's not a cure-all. But this, this feels good. Aside from allergies getting to me now (which means I get to take a pill) and maybe being a tad peckish, I think I'm ready for bed. I listened to the live performance part of R.E.M.'s Murmur deluxe edition, which is maybe a little more hype-inducing than my usual late-night listen, their Up album, but it was nice. I spent literally a full hour exactly writing this.

Tomorrow... who knows. This week, we go back to the city on Tuesday, then on Wednesday we go to David and Annie's wedding (which means another hotel!) and I have the rest of the week off. Could be good... or could be nothing. Which, you know, is life.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto