12: Ideal

It physically hurt to be told I wasn't getting the IA role. I can't say it came as a complete shock because I was wracked with self doubt for three weeks after the interview anyway. But being told "no," or at least "not this time" is going to sting.

I had had my second interview on Friday, with Penny, and I was feeling optimistic, knowing I had done my best and put my best foot forward. I had prepared for a possible rejection the same way I had when I was up for Optimization, which is that I kept thinking about how I had done my best (and while this may not have been the case for Interview 1 it felt that way for Interview 2) and if they didn't want me there was nothing I could do. Penny told me I would hear back early the following week and that no matter what, Friday would not be my last day.

On Tuesday, Murray was back albeit clearly jet lagged. In the afternoon he grabbed me for "10 minutes" that turned out to be like 30. He started in with bad news/good news.

Intellectually, it was not hard to understand what had happened - I fact the day before, I had spoken with Isiah who touted the belief that, "Unless Jesus comes down to interview, you've got it." Well, I hope everyone at home office is ready to meet Jesus. I mean, I honestly think I am a very good candidate - and I don't think Murray had any reason to lie when he said they nearly went with me - but I was up against someone with 2 years experience in "the same role" elsewhere, who is ready to jump in and is apparently brimming with ideas on how to evolve the role. Now, I wish my first interview had taken more of a tone inquiring whether *I* had any ideas on evolving the role, but whatever.

So I'm a skosh bitter but also understanding. Murray then proceeded to present me with an alternative opportunity, to work in an Analyst capacity for the four reno stores through the Quarter, meaning my term would be up January 12. He sold me on it based on the premise that this was a high profile project with lots of potential to prove myself and get in front of the right people with visible success... Get this right and the world's gonna know your name.

He did emphasize that, although the mysterious "moving parts" were always in play, there was certainly less guarantee than ever that a job or an extension would be waiting for me at the end of this.

Agreeing to it was an obvious choice but I wouldn't say it wasn't hard. Like I said, I was reeling, shook, and after the meeting feeling extreme physical duress. Logically I understood everythog that was happening but I struggled to compartmentalize that against my disappointment, hurt and frustration at losing out on my bid for stability, and having to prove myself more, even if I frankly do need to do that. It was hard to take the compliment that they still want me enough to essentially invent a role for me, even if only for a short term.

I took the contract and resolved to sit on it for a day, even though time was not on my side.

That night, Ibrahim was in town, so he, Tony, Rachael and I went to Spin for Ping Pong. I gave them my news, highlighting my uncertain feelings, but we toasted anyway.

After Tony left for the Gord Downie tribute, we kept less scrupulous track of score and had a looser, more casual time. Then after a bulk barn run for Ibrahim we went to a pub called Gabby's, where Rachael got a plate of gluten-free ribs, Ibrahim got a salad and I got a steam sandwich I wasn't necessarily in the mood for. Mel joined us and we walked back to Union with Rachael. On the train, I told her about the job.

The next day was the big Holiday Summit and to be frank I was not feeling very positive on the company to be spending 8 hours sitting still hearing about all the great things in store. But I was also aware of being a baby who was far-too-seriously consindering taking his ball and going home, and I'm aware there's a note of that in this story as well. To feel so personally wounded that you would sabotage - torch?? - your future, with no prospects and no leverage. If I went back to the store, how could I ever attempt to come back, having turned down a perfectly viable opportunity to show myself? And if I couldn't even leverage my summer of experience into a permanent IA role at this time, how could I ever hope to fimd a new job elsewhere as an unknown quantity?

As if on pathetic fallacy, in sympathy and obvious symbolism for my emotional state, I began the day at the summit alone and isolated. I sat on the left bank of the auditorium, clear across from everyone I knew, who were filling the booth on the right bank. They saw me, and waved, and I could not join them.

I was also seen by Sandy, who texted me. I made a point to catch up with her whenever I could see her at break, to give her the update on my options.

The morning felt long, marked by Jeremy's usual song and dance and Heather relating the story of Indigo in more detail than any of us had ever heard (and indeed more than she was supposed to, going over her alotted time by a half hour or so, but she's Heather.) During the breaks I latched onto people I knew but also felt strangely aside. I think, perhaps sensing my alienation, or maybe regretting there wasn't more he could do for my cause, or hell just because he considers me a friend, Murray made a special effort to stand by me when possible. (Maria, who represented 50% of the call to not hire me, did not make much effort to speak to me... Draw your own conclusions.)

After break - half-sandwiches, fruit and some excellent coffee - I was waved over to the right hand side by Murray and Rachael, where several seats had now been vacated by, I guess, people who felt they needed to go do work. I sat next to Isiah, near Victoria and Yosra. The afternoon had some fun stuff and lots of familiar faces from my floor giving the lowdown on upcoming strategies, as well as some interviews with the likes of Jann Arden, Doug Gilmour, and Humble the Poet.

Thursday, feeling somewhat pumchy, I decided to take some time around lunch to DL some writing on a story that has been king around my head for years and recently resurfaced. There are still times I entertain notions of writing my way out.

I ended up signing the contract Thursday and scheduling a meeting Friday with Murray to discuss the parameters of the role. After that meeting, an impromptu inventory team meeting was called to announce my new role and some other role changes, including who got the AA role but not the IA one. (I applied for the AA role and felt I could perform it ably based on my new skillset, but was only somewhat interested and strangely wasn't seriously considered.) The rest of the day, after spending lunch losing a Hogwarts Battle now that Carol is back from her honeymoon, I fielded congrats and well-wishes and did my best to seem enthusiastic about the role, emphasizing that it will present some interesting challenges and s great upside... All of which is true but doesn't dent the fact that I signed a paper only guaranteeing employment through January 12.

Still, I intend to so the best with what I've got. It's my own choice. No surrender, no retreat.

Last night was Joe and Viki's Halloween party. We went as Gomez and Morticia, a costume we came up with while browsing Value Village, and it was a pretty big success, except my mustache kept peeling off and flapping, and it was hard to eat with. (I opted to shave and glue a fake on because I wanted it to be more costimey, and didn't want to be stuck with a mustache.. Although Movember is almost here...)

It was a nice night, we hung with our clatch of people, until the party merged and we played Heads Up until deciding around midnight it was time to head out... We thought about crashing but it was getting late and the house was not SK far as we feared.

That long summary is all for now. Rest assured there's more to come
 Keep on rockin'
  - Scotto

11: Imprint

Since there's no reason why I should expect to remember on future readings (we, don't read this) I will note that I backdated the previous post to when it was (mostly) done being written on my phone (I added some bits) and the immediately wrote this one... So it's a rare double post at a time when one post per month is about the max.

Last night we went out to the Niblick, and then Burlington Bowl, with Mel's family. We invited Eric along, and he came, and we had a pretty good time. It was the most time we'd spent together in a bit, although there have been plenty of occasions this summer, like that night with Amanda, or with Christina, or at Rib fest. Mel's affection for Eric helps bind us, in an odd way - he's my brother and we'll always be connected, but because Mel is also oddly latched to him he will always get the benefit of her doubt in a way that, strangely, B does not. That oddly makes me sad.

It was a good night, of too much food and many beers -Eric bought two pitchers without checking how many wanted some, and so I had to make a special effort to help him with that.  He was recognized by some hockey players from Canlan who latched onto him for the night, including one guy who we are pretty sure bought and consumed cocaine in the washroom. He began to get kind of erratic and even wanders onto one of our lanes as Unc was preparing to bowl. He and I defrayed that situation.

Later it was explained that Eric didn't even actually know those guys (and one gal.) That's just how it goes sometimes on a service job, where people know you but you don't know them. I often think of times I was recognized at bars from HMV and made myself closed off, misanthrope that I am. What did I miss out on from not having Eric's sense of adventure?

I say he and I have not spent as much time together lately. This is a natural development and not unheard of. He lived on Etobicoke for years and we were not so close. Hell we LIVED together for years and I didn't always feel close. It's somewhat only since he's held down work that I truly feel we relate, although we had our good times during his off years.

Now is the time when I spend nearly every night at Mel's, and I work 9-5 anyway while he tends bar mostly at night. Now is the time when we spend only one night or so, on weekends, at "my place," and Eric comes home around 4 and watches tv and it's loud -I've left it turned up by mistake - so I go ask him as nonjudgmentally as I can to turn it down.

Now is the time when I get up at 6:30 AM and shower and roll downstairs to make Mel's shake and some eggs and a coffee for me. Now we usually take the 8:17 train and I get to work around 9:15 and I feel that's a bit late but nobody's keeping track. Now I usually eat lunch with Tony and we talk about things like whether we have free will and if slavery is philosophically inherently wrong. Although I'm giving myself more latitude to skip that routine.

Now is past the time when I was at the store and she would get up early and I would roll over and sleep an extra hour. Now is past the time when I would meet her on her way home at the bus stop on Iroquois, after having between one and three or four hours just to write and be alone, depending when I finished work and depending on which train she got. Now is past the time when I had a late start on Wednesdays so I could go home, make a nice breakfast, shower in my own room, and write or watch wrestling (which conveniently got bad just as I no longer had time for it.)

Now is past the times over the holidays when she was at LCBO and worked many late night and weekends and I would come home and have a beer and watch, what pointless nonsense like Power Rangers or X-Men cartoons on Netflix. Now is the time in my life when our routines and structures are inextricably linked.

Now is long past the time when I would get hone from work, borrow my mom's car, drive to her place, do I-can't-even-remember-what all night and drive home. There is no more "going home" at the end of the night.

Gone are the days of borrowing my dad's car on Wednesday nights to grocery shop. I have not drive in months and I find that distressing.

Long long gone are the nights she stayed late, later than she should, because she loved me and didn't want to leave, and then I would go downstairs when she finally did and watch 2 AM reruns of Frasier with Eric and fall asleep o the couch. Gone are the days "my spot" was at a computer desk in my mom's basement. Now my main computer is my phone, and I have a tablet, and I haven't turned my PC on in months. (I dread to think what kind of updates it will need when I finally do.)

Gone are the days I did a little writing secretly at the store when we were busy and my co-worker was on break. Now I have my own desk and yet I feel I cannot secretly compose the novel of my dreams because /someone is watching./

Change, I accept as a fact of life. I did not always but it has always been there. This is what is it like today, it will not always be, but those days that are gone are gone. I have always felt sad when I could not capture the status quo in these posts, because once that changes you can never really get it back.

Last weekend we went to see Aunt Lori, Karen, Gail, Grandma and Cameron (Ali was at a friend's sleepover party.) It was fun, as I always say it is to catch up with then outside of a birthday context (gone are the days I suppose when everyone got full birthday treatment.) We also played Cards Against Humanity with the whole group. It was interesting to see who knew what, and what they approved of.

I have wanted to write this post for a while. But I go so long between posts that *things* come up to write about. Ah life! Bigger than you and you are (not me/knock-kneed.)

Keep on rockin'
  - Scotto

10: To Be Seen Knowing

To Be Seen Knowing

Currently sitting in RBC plaza watching an unending river of commuters make they way into Union station. I am ducking the cold and rain, waiting for Mel. Two weeks ago we bought a sprinkler and stood in it to beat the heat. Now I can't find a jacket thick enough.

As summer stubbornly and reluctantly gives way to fall, and a wet chill enters the air, I have half a second to reflect on the past few weeks. This entry comes with one of those rate meaningful, thematic titles.

The events of last week seemed all to converge on Tuesday. It was the day of my job interview, which was the source of a non-zero amount of stress. I was the veneficiary of a great deal of resources yet I felt like nothing could prepare me and honestly I was not wrong. They provided a few scenarios to which I provided answers as best I could -- there were tines when I could rely on my assortment knowledge,  but other times when I had to hem and haw and even talk my own way through an issue, sometimes on fear of contradicting myself and deliberately not paying mind to some of the indications they (Murray, Maria and Philip) seemed to be tossing me.

Although Murray came by afterwards to say "good job" I cannot convince myaelf this is necessarily the case. Well, Philip said at the end how I was succinct, which Murray had said in my Optomization interview, and hey I got that. I did not feel succinct - I felt rambly - but I guess that's all relative. I just hope that my supposed succinctness didn't prevent me from giving full answers.

I feel a lot of pressure. I came out of nowhere to get this Optimization job, and I learned it well in a short period with only bare bones guidance, let's face it. Now I am known and there is pressure to live up to the hype. It seems like I must know things, but do I?

Like I said, pressure. I should be good enough for this job but am I as good as they expect me to be? Can they hold me to the equivalent standard that they held 6 months ago? Or do I have to show my newly gained experience in everything I say and do? I will never quit having doubts about myself, only the stakes change.

After work, I needed a definite win. It was Office Trivia Night for Adopt a School, and while others on the print team talked a big game, Tony and I were dark horses. Together with Don, we comprised a three legged dog of a team - Rachael was going to join us but it turned out to be her vacation and we had a hard time filling her spot.

We started with just us three and it was rough. I do like my trivia but I wasn't so sure of myself and with good reason. The quizmaster was exceptionally cruel in linking the questions to Indigo - I such clever askew says as "In, Dig, Go" (answers starting with those) "Joy of the Table" (questions about tables, including  labeled parts of a formal setting) and Dwight Schrute esque questions abput paler production, and some more conventionally difficult questions about books (adult authors writing kids books was particularly tough). Partway through, a rando named Greg -who did not get the notice that it was rescheduled from 6 to 5:30, showed up at 6 and we really started to gel. I would put Don as the MVP for sure, though -he knew a remarkable amount about paper.

We made it to the finals with 49 points out of 73 - the next team had 42. This round very much resembled Reach, with its snap to start, and Who Am I questions. I did particularly well at the combo questions. (Ie, "A Time To Kill a Mockingbird", "Slaughterhouse Five People You Meet in Heaven.") We wpn by half a point and I got to have some very public, visible triumphs - just like grade 8 - and was lauded, despite the fact that it was a team effort and honestly I made virtually no dent in the early paper-based round. It was still a much needed win, and we got a delightful trophy for our efforts. I ran to get the streetcar, then Don't came on, chuckling, "Didn't even have to run!"

Friday that week was Murray's birthday and I was tasked with picking up cupcakes, which was an hilarious misadventure when I went to the wrong baker and then had to run around First Canadian Place. The effort was appreciated... I think, although Murray is not a birthday celebration guy (he is blessed with several workplace friends and of course his wife who masterminded the thing.) It reminded me of a birthday some years ago at HMV where I was working, and it was a Saturday, and the crew connived to get some cupcakes and a banner, and of course the amazing surprise bowling party Mel organized for me this year. Suppose I owe her for that...

That afternoon we knocked off early and took Kayla to the Hockey Hall of Fame. Not my idea of a preferable field trip but it's something, and we got in cheap because it was the end of day. Saw the cup and everything.

Thanksgiving had a strangely nice last minute feel to it... Dad and Deb confirmed plans on Wednesday following our visit for his birthday (for which we got him the customary sci-fi/fantasy books) after previously being unsure what they wanted to do. On Saturday, Unc had us over but it was lightly casual as well (also featured three dressings and little in the way of potatoes or veggies.) We also had a quick visit with mom, who needed to drop off some items for us, and we visited Nonna and Poppa on Monday, taking care not to stay too, too long.

The ensuing week was marked by my own frustrations at not necessarily having much to do, and anxiety over the outcome of my interview... Which I hadn't heard anything about until today, when I prodded Maria (at perhaps an inopportune time) to prod Penny into getting back to me. The interview is tomorrow and I'm a trifle nervous although the part of my brain that is going "you got this" is returning.


I started this post on the 10th, stopped before Greg joined our trivia team, and am only now getting back to it. I don't doubt that I've had a ton of other blog worthy thoughts since then... Plenty to observe, get off my chest, reminisce, theorize... But I think it best if we part here and maybe I can recollect some of these thoughts for a not too distant post where I have a bit more focus.

There is one last thing, though. A few nights ago, I had a vivied dream where it was the WOSS Fringe and I had to find Cary and apologize that I never did write a follow-up to Half-Past (referring of course to the Emerging Artists Series incarnation and not the WOSS one.) You don't have to be Freud to get the subtext behind that one... Hell it isn't even sub, just text.

Keep on rockin'
  - Scotto