39: Aspiration aspiration (hoping not to choke)

I've got a busy, cluttery brain right now. Lots to say, lots to think about, lots I want to do, but not a lot of time for any of it. As is common, let's start in the present and move backward.

The weather as been weathering. This morning was windy and cold with a touch of snow. Wouldn't be a problem except for two things: the recycling bins being blown all around the lane (mercifully, the garbage truck has already been by) and the ice. On his walk this morning Hank decided we should go behind all the houses, which he never does (or I usually rein him in from doing so, but not so today) and I slipped on some ice. It was a soft landing as far as these things go, I'm pretty much unharmed (ask me again tomorrow) but in the process I noticed the little poop baggie holder popped open and I dropped my roll of them. Couldn't go back for them with Hank. Which posed some logistical issues when he pooped on someone's lawn. Well, I'm an honorable person, I'd be back, but I had to suffer through the rest of it. Back we got, and I fixed up my waste pile as best I could before setting out to reclaim my baggies, the end of the holder, and pick up the leavings. That was my morning.

The walks was a trifle earlier than usual because he wouldn't go yesterday, because it rained all day. Yeah, rain. It was about 2-4 degrees Celsius all day. Cold and wet. Pissing down. Hank wouldn't stand for it. Well, if he can hold it that's his business. We were engaged to go to my mom's for a Christmas lunch with the aunts and cousins. It was a fine day altogether, but being the end of our jag of Christmas visits meant I was pretty worn out, and other things had me feeling a bit off. I tried to be engaged but luckily the group is so talkative nobody probably noticed if I receded. The main topic of conversation anyway is Hank, because look at him. You can't see that guy without wanting to make him the center of attention. He has main character energy.

We ordered an excessive amount of pizza from Pizzaiolo, and there was salad and garlic bread and we talked about all sorts of things, mostly the kids' lives, their upcoming trip to Costa Rica, 6-7, the babies, birthing, and again, Hank. Hank was very disturbed by the Christmas crackers. I'll have to make a note of that for the future. But he did eventually settle back in once he sensed the danger had passed.

Before Christmas, we saw Dad and Deb for Christmas Eve Chinese Food. Dad had let us know he was getting over a cold but we said we were okay to come if he felt okay to host. The restaurant was clearly slammed and forgot our spring rolls, which annoyed dad, who called them about it and got an offer to come pick them up but nobody wanted to do that (I suppose I could have offered.) The guys had to get their ride home before we took a picture so it will be the first year where there aren't any pictures of all of us together.

We had the next two days to ourselves. Christmas we got our chance again to just be by ourselves. After stockings and gifts and panetone, we watched non-Christmas Christmas movies like Batman Returns and Gremlins (having already watched Die Hard and Rocky IV), only leaving the house once to see if I could get some cream cheese for bagels from the grocery store (answer: I could if I weren't looking for lactose free.) Instead I schmeared Mel's with goat cheese, and that worked fine. We called people, saw video of the babies and generally had a good time. I made lamb for dinner, relatively late, after we went for a family walk. For gifts, we knew we would be a bit leaner this year, mostly stuffing stockings with favored groceries (Mel did get me a neat eco-friendly toothbrush) but I got her a new Oodie to sleep in which she loved, and Hank got us an ornament with his picture on it. Santa brought Mel some of her favourite body wash, and I also got her a new dual-temp tumbler to replace her crummy dollar store one. She got me some coffee that also funds dog rescues (she was perturbed when she groused about not getting me enough and I offhandedly said "Just get me some coffee and I'll be fine") and an at-home escape room for us to do on New Years Eve, whatever that ends up being. I think it'll be a lot of fun.

It was not exactly a white christmas. There was snow on the ground but green on the lawn. It snowed more later in the week, then melted and turned slushy. We've basically un the gamut of what December does.

Activity-wise, Boxing day was a lot of the same. I went to the store again for some gift cards to give the kids. I don't remember what else was done but we ordered bagels for breakfast then had nachos for dinner and watched the movie Lisa Frankenstein, which I found enjoyable if slight. 

Mel has been intensely into the show Heated Rivalry on Crave. Annoyed that there were only 6 episodes and a long wait until the next season, she's already had us watch it over again, which is unusual for her. But I'm happy to indulge. Now she's going to get the book(s).

On the 27th, we dropped Hank off with my dad and went to Mel's parents' place for their celebration. We spent the morning making bocconcini-and-olive penguins, which were a big hit. The day was pretty much all about the babies, who are babbling lots now. They both wanted to play with Mel's light-up necklace, which resulted in some tears. We read to them and Noah correctly identified a duck. They looked great in the hats that Mel made for them. For Secret Santa I got a nice new set of silicone kitchen utensils (and some more coffee), and the lamp/charger/clock I got Laura was a big hit, and even Sherlie said she wanted one. Not too long of a day/night.

Yesterday was a bit off because we thought we'd had an appointment with our financial advisor but he didn't have it in his calendar, so we had structured our morning around it for nothing. And with Hank not wanting to go out for his walk, things were just kind of weird. And I had cause to think about how little I've amounted to in the time since I quit my job, which was a drag. Anyway we did get to mom's -- late, as we had noted we would be, not that anyone had an unkind word to say about it, and for the most part, as I said above, the conversation was light, with nobody asking how the job search was going, or about the other thing, which we had advised ahead of time was not in a good situation and maybe we don't want to talk about it.

Looking forward to a few days hunkered down together to end 2025, and then 2026... whatever it may bring.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

38: Famous Dogs

The title of this post doesn't refer to Lassie or Air Bud. Inasmuch as the titles of my posts ever mean anything, I was thinking about dogs in your neighborhood, who you see when you are out for a walk. Dogs that get "famous" for being in a certain place all the time. There are a couple of little scotties or something that live in a backyard I sometimes pass. You know the dogs but you don't know the people that live there. Or you see the person and you're like "Ah yes, they have that big black dog."

By your dogs shall you know them.

It's the morning after a tough night. It's 1:30 (which I guess means it is not morning at all) and Mel is still snoozing. There was a flap last night I don't want to re-hash partly because I'm not entirely sure I understand what happened, only that a few negative things combined into a storm that took me by surprise and all I could do was weather it.

Someday I'm going to re-read this (as I always do) and either wonder what the hell I am talking about or remember it in great detail. Kind of a coin toss on that sometimes.

I hate that so many of my posts find me in tough times, but that tends to be when I think about this blog. When things are good, I usually just live and enjoy them, but it has not been a Simply Wonderful Christmastime. Oh don't get me wrong, we are enjoying ourselves but there's still an underpinning of heaviness and sadness that I don't know if it will ever go away. And part of it is fertility stuff and part of it is money stuff since I'm not working and we kind of feel the pinch.

Yesterday actually was mostly good, is the thing, but let's skip back a day earlier to Friday when we went out to Unc's to help him compile some photos for a slideshow that was going to be played during the twins' first birthday party the next day. It was a bit like working on your big homework assignment for Monday on Sunday night, but we got through it. We ordered some pizza. While I was out picking it up, Unc nearly put Zootopia on, but I don't think it was the vibe. (Wow, these kids are going to grow up not understanding how TV is meant to work.) There were issues with storage because we were using Google Drive to co-ordinate between Sherlie's computer and Laura back in Oakville, but the drive was nearly full. We pivoted and used our joint account, which has never had any storage anyway, and things were rolling. The other frustration was Mel attempted to send a very large email with like 60 pics but it didn't deliver so she had to re-select them.

It was a late night -- we got home to Hank around 11 and didn't get to bed until about 1.Then it was an early morning, with some frustrations about getting ourselves out the door. At times, Mel can't help but see problems, some of which she means to point out only to be helpful or make a passive observation, but she isn't realizing that the negative comments stack on top of each other. "This bad thing. Oh and this bad thing. And this other thing, also bad." I tried to voice my feelings on the subject but I'm not sure it came across and I backed down. She had noticed my mood had gone down and I guess she felt it was a reflection of my feelings about her, which it isn't, and it is... marriage is complicated. Love is messy. Even really successful ones as we believe ourselves to be.

Vague, vague, vague, which is the way -- which is funny because nobody is reading this and yet I still won't get into the nitty-gritty. Can't bear to.

Anyway, the mood brightened on the drive up soon after, as we chirped the supposed holiday mix which partly just involved putting some dance beats under a children's choir singing Carol of the Bells, then pivoting to "Sexy and I Know It" (??!) before pivoting back to a Christmas song that at least matched the BPM. I can't remember which one it was, but it ws a Jesusy one.

After fumbling around the block to get into the church (which was a space above a strip mall, not that there's anything wrong with that -- they make the most of the space for sure) we got in, mingled, sat through the service, enjoyed the slideshow, had some food. We hung around a while, with Mel looking after Sophia (she had gotten a lot of Noah time prior to that) until Unc and Sherlie were ready to go. We took home some leftovers that ended up being dinner despite not initially looking to be enough. By the time we got home, Mel had some various afflictions -- itchy scalp (which she had tempted fate by saying she hadn't had lately and skipping the special shampoo in her recent shower) as well as headache and fatigue, so we treated each of these duly, let her rest, fed Hank, let her knit, listened to audiobook, eventually settled in for our dinner and some Beat Bobby Flay, then turned in, which is about when the static started. I'll remind you I won't rehash.

Bigger things. Christmas is on the way. Literally days away and it feels like we are out of time to set up for it, but there is some time, so we'll see. Mel has said our tree is "half-decorated" but it really just needs some balls to fill it out, the star and tree skirt. I hope we can do that today. I don't know what Christmas Day is going to look like besides the fact that it is going to be us loving us. Whatever else -- stockings, gifts, cards, calls... it is what it is, but we're going to have our day.

And that's something to be happy about, even if there are other things to be frustrated with or dismayed by.

And that's all you get. Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

37: That's why the game is called Solitaire

Oh, why not.

I've got a lot on the go lately, between applying for jobs that don't exist and mentally gassing myself up to be rejected in my bid to become a flashy writer over night (seriously, why do I delay doing things? What am I afraid of, besides rejection? Success?) I am writing, both about comics and other things, some of which nets me some small amount of pocket change but not as much as I'd forecast. I really thought I had a few hits on my hands but the returns have been pretty modest.

I spend a good portion of every day at the computer, and I have no idea what Mel thinks I am doing here. Hank gets hyper and I play with him. I had been taking him for 2 walks, but lately I started feeding him first thing (which is what he wants anyway) and waiting for him to ask me to go. But I don't know about all this extra energy he suddenly has, whether it's a reaction to his allergy meds, or weight loss, or cabin fever. He gets the zoomies around noon or 1, and I try to work it out of him, but sometimes it's a little destructive -- he stomped on Mel's hand, leaving a bruise, a few days ago, and yesterday he took a flying leap and overshot the bed, crashing to the ground (he played it off like nothing, but it was quite a distressing sight.) In the past few days I have been lending my Excel expertise to Mel's project trying to help her get a scope on the erroneous data she's working with, which keeps seeming like it's more and more of a problem. I told her to tell her bosses I'm available for $50/hr.

I drink lots of coffee. I stay in my pajamas until 10:30. I play too many games on my phone, extracting literal pennies a few times per day. Hardly the most profitable possible use of my time but better than making actual zero, right? As I said I am applying for jobs, but it's hard to know what's real and and a match for my abilities and needs. In general I feel an air of uselessness and low self esteem because of this. But if I was working at my old job, things would be worse. I knew it would be tough. So did Mel but she might be surprised just how tough. As always the problem with me is that I don't know what I want to be, I just want to go somewhere I fit. That was the benefit of the old job. Once upon a time.

The Christmas season kind of snuck up on us. I mean, we could see it coming in the distance, from Halloween and when we decorated Mel's parents' tree, but now Christmas is... a week away?? And it feels like we are behind. We decorated our own tree very gradually, in stages, and in fact it's still not done because the star has not been put up, and Mel noted she wants to fill in some spaces with Christmas balls. Mel has been doing a lot of knitting and listening to audiobook, which is incompatible with other Christmas activities, especially since she needs to be present to advise me how I am stringing lights or hanging ornaments wrong. This is the deal with being married.

I wrote all of the above yesterday. Let me continue my train of thought and then tell you about the rest of that day.

One thing that really snuck up was our anniversary. These days, that day is fraught with a lot of heavy emotions that have nothing to do with getting married on that day or our love for each other, but because it simultaneously marks another, darker anniversary. It's a really fucked up thing and it always puts us in a tough headspace so we don't celebrate as joyously as we once might have. There was some discussion about what, if anything, we wanted to do. Mel had a long weekend and we were doing lots of relaxing and in the end we decided just to keep that going and not force ourselves into having a good time we did not want. We'd been out a lot lately, we've been active, it's fine. We had a quiet dinner and decorated the tree (partially.)

Tuesday, Mel had a nail appointment, so we went to the mall for the evening. I couldn't do a walk-in to get my hair cut so I just walked around the mall and did some shopping for Christmas, then we picked up some good to go, and let it get cold while we talked to Unc and the twins on the phone. Yesterday afternoon I went out to bring the snow tires to Nonna's place for storage, and to have a little cup of coffee with her. Then it was a long trek home. I elected to skip the highway and go up to Dundas, which felt like a good call once I got there as it was a quick jaunt from Third Line to Guelph. Then I still had some errands to run, picking up books from the library, a prescription at Shoppers, and then dinner of Sushi. I thought it would be smart to just go down Brant from there but there was an accident backing up traffic I sensed something was amiss from the looks of the intersection at Upper Middle but wrote it off to my own regret. It ended up taking me twenty minutes to get halfway to the sushi place, to the site of the accident. If I had taken the "long" way around by doubling back to Guelph, I probably could have shaved 5 or 10 minutes off that. And Mel was at home starving (although she was pleasant about it) because she'd only had an english muffin with nutella to eat all day, having had her breakfast late and skipped lunch.

Ah well, such is life.

There's always more -- I've been messaging with an old co-worker about how things are at the office, and that stirred up a feeling or two -- but I think I've done a good job emptying myself out for this session.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

36: Circular Saw

A roundabout expression, if you will.

Just a bit of an existential crisis Wednesday as I ponder employment, my future, my prospects, what meager abilities I have. All while trying to live something of a life.

Recent events have us dazed and confused about which way to go. Well, we know which way we want to go but how to get there.

So let's talk about more concrete things, huh? It's so much easier to deal with life that's actually happening around you.

Last week on Thursday, I took the car in to get its tires changed over, which always means finding a ton of other stuff that needs taking care of. I had made the appointment after that bit of early snow, which I'm sure caused a rush of late appointments, meaning I couldn't get it until late November, which is usually when snow starts to appear around these parts. In general, winter surprised us all by happening on time this year, but that first bit was just a sneak peek and things were okay for most of the rest of Nov.

They gave us a loaner, as they often do, which was fortuitous because they found so much to do on it that they kept it overnight, unsurprisingly. It wasn't fun to do errands in the loaner, which handles like a boat in my opinion, but I was grateful. In general, the mechanics I use seem like a good bunch.

Thursday night Laura came over for dinner and we had Chinese, then at Mel's and her behest watched the Jonas Brothers Christmas movie, which... definitely existed. There were a few laughs but it's not like I'm personally invested in the Jonas mythos. I didn't even know that one Jonas was divorced from Sophie Turner.

Snow started to fall again, which made me annoyed not to have my own car. I ended up brushing the snow off the loaner with my straw broom because I did not realize they had actually left a snowbrush in the back for me. So that one's on me. Friday I was doing a lot of running around, primarily to Canadian Tire -- I had wanted to buy some tarps to cover the backyard chairs which are too big to put in the garage (if I want to put my car there, which I do.) At the end of the day they told me that the car wasn't quite ready and they'd like to keep it one more day which of course meant through the weekend, which was also annoying since we had plans, but said plans only involved a little bit of driving. So, fine.

Saturday, we went to meet Viki and her guy John at an Escape Room, which Mel won in a giveaway (she has great luck with these IG giveaways.) We invited Viki because a, it had been forever since we'd seen her and we owed her, and two, she had tagged Mel in the giveaway to begin with so it only seemed fair. So our whole day was basically just getting ready to go to the city. 

The place was at Queen and Spadina. It was pretty fun -- we did a much better job with the puzzles than we thought we might. Mel in particular had a knack for interpreting them quickly, and I was mostly just corralling people into getting them done. When I had seen Tony I had expressed concern that I wasn't great with lateral thinking and riddle-solving, but I did my part and the others definitely did theirs. We did call in for several hints, but a lot of the time it was just looking for confirmation we were headed in the right direction, or fine-tuning the details of what we were doing. In the end we were coming up on the end of our hour when they buzzed in and offered us ten more minutes since we were prize winners, and we ended up escaping at 67 minutes. Not bad!

Afterward, we went up to Dundas for dinner. It was kind of random and we had no particular plan where to go and selected this very hole-in-the-wall Korean place. It was okay, but nothing you would go out of your way for, and we spent a lot of time catching up with Viki and learning about John.

All in all it was a good, if late night. Sunday we chilled, put up the Christmas tree, and Mel knitted while listening to the audiobook that was about to expire. In the end she managed to finish it since she got an extension as long as she didn't leave the app.

I got the car back on Monday. There was some stress with that, not because of the car but because I had made an appointment to take Hank in for his nail trimming early in the afternoon so I was worried about not having time. More running around than I like to do, but everything worked out perfectly. Last night, Mel and Laura went with their mom to see Wicked 2: Elphaba Boogaloo.

These are all just factual things that happened, without much rumination or philosophizing, which I think is healthy for the time being. We're about to go into holiday mode I guess, and it will be a quick rush to the end of the year, saying goodbye to the strange mixed blessing that was 2025.

I've had worse years on planet Earth.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto