I: Developing an old roll of film

It is bright and sunny and increasingly warm and springlike. I have had the week off from work and gotten to spend the whole time with Mel. Lots of good things have happened lately. I am pretty depressed and falling apart.

I like to put a brave face on it and compare myself with the Scotto of ten-or-so years ago, who was permanently in a slump. I have a lot of my needs looked after and am in a good place in life, but every so often the ship runs aground. I told a friend today who is having a rough time, that we are fighting different dragons but they are dragons nonetheless. The stakes seem so high, and maybe that's just being in your mid-to-late thirties.

This fertility thing is depressing and upsetting and destroying me/us. It feels like every week there is a new setback. To say things aren't going well is frankly an enormous understatement. It just keeps getting worse and harder and bleaker. "I don't want to give up," she told me today. I told her we're not going to. We're going to go until we can't go anymore. But it's so sad, so crushing, that it looks like eventually we will.

It's all we think about, it is the fragile thread that unites us. Not that our relationship would crumble if it were taken away, but we might crumble as people if we lose this war.

Lots of bad things are on my mind lately. This, work -- being dragged back into the office three days a week and forced to contemplate making another move (always my least favourite thing to do... taking action in my own life.) Helplessness in the face of genocide. Just generally not feeling like you have "it."

Who will save me?

Who will save me, if not myself?

Last-last weekend we had Laura and Jake over. I put together the new cabinet -- Mel went a little nutty on Wayfair.

After a few days at the office last week, which I consider a trial run for this new paradigm (I hate it already) we went to Mandarin for lunch with the fam. It was nice but because of their strict rules you need three additional people for every one free Birthday person and Laura and Ryan missed the event so we were short. Boo. We had Unc and Sherlie sign our wills, then the gathering kind of split up. We saw Dad and Deb for dinner on Sunday and I tried to pack away the frustration I've had simmering since Christmas and not let it affect me and just have a dinner like old times. 

We have made this week as good as possible. We've had a lot of lazy days but also outings. We went to the mall to get Mel's nails done on her birthday, and then Second Cup. Monday-Tuesday were a blur, Wednesday we went to Hamilton for Mel's hair appointment and I sat at Tim Hortons around the corner and read, then we went for a nice lunch. She noted it feels like the week is going by fast but I feel like we are languidly floating through it. Unpleasantly, there is work being done at our neighbors' next door, which is disruptive. Not cool for our week off.

There are good things, but they are so ephemeral and slight they can't hold a candle to the bad these days. It's frustrating and sad and I wish I had better for you.

My heart aches. I don't really know what to do but to keep going as far as I can.

Keep on rockin', if you are up to it

Scotto

H: Organism

Bear with me a minute. I'm having not a great few weeks but today has been particularly tough.

Is there any particular reason? It's hard to say. Yes, this feeling is centered around a few specific events but by and large it's all just the undeniable reality that life and the world are simply not as good as they should be. A lot of the time I don't have a problem processing this information, squaring it away with my worldview. But sometimes it feels like the world is so much worse than it needs to be, for such stupid reasons... and it affects me personally.

I'm mad about work. I'm madder about work than I have been in a long while. I'd quit, but quitting without a job in hand would be an empty gesture. They could fill my role easily and for less money. They don't value me. That much, they've made clear. It's not just me, they don't particularly value anybody. I'd like to show 'em, and I can't do that from within. I've applied for my first job outside the company in a long while today. I'm not banking on it, but it's groundwork, there's more to come. I'm at that point, which is not unprecedented, but historically difficult for me to get to. 

But let's face it, it's not just this job, it's jobs, it's work, it's labour under capitalism. It's being on a treadmill with nowhere to go. It's feeling like you could be doing something you love, but have no way to get to it, no path. I don't even feel like I'm at a place in my life where I could take a chance on myself, but it's tempting.

It feels a bit like early 2017, when I was truly at the end of my rope. That's what it takes to shake me up. Well, maybe that's needed.

The base of it is, some stupid fucking shit left a bad taste in my mouth, and I may not believe in myself enough to think I deserve better. But I need something else. I can see what's coming and it's not going to work for me.

Yes, okay, I don't want to be dragged back into that fucking office. We have it so good, but some fuckin' lady comes in and tells you, we're turning back the clock, this is the way it's gotta be.

It just highlights the futility of it all.

Ooh, it burns. I am not in top shape these days, but I am highly energized by my anger and frustration, which is good, that's what it's for.

There's a lot else to hate about the world, by the way, not just what's wrong with my life. I just sit around being bitter in my bunker all the time.

I'm not sleeping great, but that's beside the point. Not totally unrelated though.

Keep on rockin'

-Scott

G: The Road Home is Home

It's the end of an evening. Mel's already in bed and I'm aiming to join her, but I thought I would let her get a head start on snoozing. I've been meaning to write you for a few days. Not that anything desperately interesting has happened, but it's been quite a week.

After spending last Saturday prepping for Mel's trip, we had an "us" day, to kind of prevent her from sitting around thinking about the trip. I think it worked. We went out for a little breakfast at Williams and then to the movies for the first time since mid-2019, to see, of all things, Madame Web. It was kind of a lark, but Mel ended up enjoying it and I thought people were being excessively unkind to it. Then we went to the bookstore to have a look around and had a waffle at Demetre.

Monday was a tough parting but after some stress we did get Mel to the airport. It wasn't so bad, although it's difficult to find parking. After seeing her and her co-worker Sarah off I hung around and had lunch before heading back.

It was three days of, I don't want to say nothing, but certainly a very strange mode. Tuesday I went into the office. Amanda had told me she was coming in to hand in her old laptop, so we got lunch at Tut's. Then I cut out early to meet up with Tony, for our first catchup in a year. I saw fit to talk to him about some things that surprised me to be able to bring up, but it was a nice talk. 

Wednesday, I just kind of bummed around all day in preparation for what was supposed to be a late-night pickup of Mel, but her flight got bumped and she ended up not making it home until the next day. That resulted in a very early morning flight which left her very drained by the time she got home -- exacerbated, it would seem, by some of the stresses of actually getting out of the airport. We ended up stopping off at her parents' house for a nap rather than continuing all the way home. Not a bad move, but if I had suspected that might happen I would have brought my laptop. Oh well, ob-la-di ob-la-da. We had dinner there then came home to the sounds of my Arctic Nights playlist. (Mel accused me of trying to put her in the mood -- I just thought it was a nice relaxing playlist.)

It was kind of a stressful week to be here there and everywhere, with little fires all over work, but by the time I finished on Friday I felt I had gotten everything wrapped up more or less. I felt guilty about some fumbles, but nobody bats 1.000.

While Mel was in Texas, we got an alert that there was a new surrogacy candidate. We rushed to contact her and ended up making contact, a first. We had the call this afternoon. It went well, but it's very competitive. I'm not trying to get my hopes up but I really would like her to be the one.

I feel for her -- she just reached out to the agency on Monday and by Wednesday, suddenly she's swarmed by desperate intended parents.

Otherwise it was a relaxing day. We ended up watching The Marvels, which Mel was reluctant to do because the trailer left her cold, and in the end she said she preferred Madame Web because she's not really spacey. I enjoyed it though, I thought the place-switching gimmick was fun. Tomorrow promises to be chill too, and we might even take down the Christmas tree after our call with our finance guy for taxes.

I wish I could be more profound tonight, but I appear to have hit a wall. Bed awaits.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto