It's 12:05 AM and I am sitting at the computer. I gave a halfhearted attempt to sleep but bailed on it for a variety of reasons. I foolishly had caffeine with dinner, so I'm a little jittery, and it was hot in the house so I turned up the A/C, but the effect is... uneven, I suppose. And now I'm feeling kind of a stomachache.
But really, what's keeping me up is my brain. And not just because I spent the last several days mainlining every Weezer album (another foolish decision) and now can't get "Dope Nose" / "Memories" / "Back to the Shack" / "Trainwrecks" / pick your poison out of my head. I have like, things on my mind.
To start with, my last post was kind of a freakout. Some things transpired of a deeply personal and mostly internal nature that got me feeling some kind of way, but as I alluded in that very post I knew what the solution was -- or should I say, what I felt the solution could be. I have pursued it and am eagerly awaiting the outcome. It's something that, you know, could carry a stigma, and I myself was once very much opposed to it, but the more I thought about it the more I was in favor of it and even looking forward to it. We'll see.
Yes, there are things on my mind about what the future holds, and what even the present holds. Earlier today I found out about a career opportunity that it would probably be in my best interest to pursue, but the usual goblins of fear of rejection and fear of success -- which somehow coexist within me -- are screwing up my confidence. In theory it's something I should want (and I've even said as much, not suspecting the opportunity would present itself anytime soon) but I keep grappling with it. Part of me knows that my job is just a job, and if I put myself forward in any direction it starts to become a career. And it's not like I'm against having a career, it's just... the expectations that go with it, to make your job the most important thing, where for me it's just a means to support myself while I make my tentative goes at other things I like and want to do, things that are far less realistic. The fact is, I don't see myself as an Inventory Analyst (or a Planning Manager or Category Manager or anything of that nature) so much as I see myself as a writer who currently has a desk job. And it's sick, because I have done very little writing and even less to try to make that my life. But every time I think about going forward, I think, this job deserves more than someone who has one foot out the door (even if he knows the other foot will never follow.)
I don't think very highly of my prospects anyway, because I know my "development" is languishing and my focus is often split. I have a pretty low opinion of myself, I guess, because I know me too well.
And the thing about the writing is, I'm not too chuffed with that right now either. I have a new piece out in my secret identity that I wish would be getting more attention (although I might have suspected it wouldn't be an instant smash.) I had already sort of told myself that after this one I would step back and consider being done altogether (minus a few other commitments). This makes me both want to do that and fire up and come back stronger just to show 'em who's boss. That's me, for you.
Then there's this other thing I've wanted to write for a little while, an idea that seized me a few weeks back that really gripped my imagination. As so often happens when the time came to start putting it down on paper I became a little disillusioned, but you know, nothing's ever as good as what's in your head.
Furthermore, I'm starting to falter on the X-Men blog as it becomes harder to maintain attention. I have a few loyal visitors but hits are down from last year (a rare occurrence in the history of the blog.) Still, I remain dedicated.
Then there's all the other stuff. Taxes, the place is a mess, I have to take a picture in to get cleaned (don't ask), we need to redo the patio, we never know what we're going to have for dinner, the place is a mess again, gotta feed the plants, laundry, groceries, dishes, work. I dunno guys. And we want to have a kid? Pshaw.
There's good stuff, too. I have to point out that you can only have problems like this if life is going well. Ejecting it all onto the screen helps. Scatters the thoughts in my brain and keeps them from gathering enough strength to keep me up.
Hopefully.
This was a short'un. Longer than some though. I'm not ready for bed yet but I'm a little too cloudy to keep writing.
Keep on rockin'
-Scotto
