Nineteen: You should run

It's midnight. I'm about ready to wind down and turn in but I'm risking "missing it" tonight to write this. I stayed up to wait for the dishes and had hopes that I would do some writing but my head is foggy. Worse, I was on the heels of a perfectly nice weekend and now that good feeling has largely dissipated. I can't help but fixate on things that are bad.

Saturday was our big Bachelor/ette. In the run up to it, I was nervous and uncomfortable. We kind of got railroaded into this setup where the guys and I would have dinner with Mel's squad and then we'd go our separate ways. It kind of took all the fun out of planning my own night, and Eric had honestly been quite gung ho about putting the evening together. It also took potential invites for non-wedding-party people off the table because that's too many people and the second part of the evening would be beginning too late.

So I felt a little bitter. I have this hang up about how often I give up my own thing for the benefit of others, so to have this kind of taken out of our hands was annoying. Later it would be "We discussed, you agreed" but it didn't feel like a discussion or a choice. It was more like "Didn't I tell you? We're doing this."

On top of that, the very Type A Rielle - whom I normally love - had the gall to call Eric out for doing "jack shit," which I hated hearing since there was so little for him to do besides manage the guys. What knows he of midtown Toronto restaurants? What is there for two people to do? The insinuation made me annoyed and defensive of him.

On top of on top of that, I was worried about my guys in the setting as they're not really accustomed to... well, occasions of any type. How would they dress? Who would they talk to? Would they even eat? I was concerned both for their comfort, and my own. I had that gnawing in my stomachal pit.

This all sounds bad but it turns out good. Only after it gets a little worse. The guys were on the late side of barely on time, and we were faced with severe transit delays. I was worried that we would be holding up the proceedings but all the girls were late too - except Meagan - because they met at Rielle's and were caught in the same shit. We arrived at the same subway stop and opted to Uber rather than load onto the death shuttle. We apparently only got there a minute late.

The guys settled in. Kris talked my ear off about the usual subjects - how great it would be to do comics again, etc etc - as well as inquiring about several wedding related points. At first he and Brandon planned not to eat but once they saw it was essentially just good Chinese Food, they were into it. We ordered crispy beef, beef and broccoli, lemon chicken and ribs. I guess we forgot any kind of noodles or rice or veggies. Eric considered sushi but I had had that the night before. Some of us also had some tempura veggies.

The two sides of the table weren't very integrated, with the main interactions being between Eric and Meagan, and Manda ans Meagan, and when I went around the table introducing everyone.

Eric had bought the famous Groom Hat from Party City, as well as making a shirt with my Grade 1 photo on it that read "This Guy's Getting Married." The hat was Rielle's idea, the shirts his.

Given the late start, it was cut short and we parted ways. The Rec Room was fun but of we were being honest Dave and Busters in Oakville was better. Allegedly the best Rec Room is at Square One but we were far from there. I had a great night though and I was surrounded by people I love doing something we all like and celebrating me. Manda sat on the sidelines like a parent at Chuck E Cheese though.

The night did take a while to end, once I played every game I figured I was going to and got many beers in, plus shots. I wanted to finish up my credits and get more prizes though. We walked home in the rain, mostly drunk and very satisfied.

The end mirrored the beginning with transit issues as it became difficult to get an Uber at 2 am in tbe rain. The first guy made us wait 20 minutes and cancelled. The second guy went to the wrong  building but that was easily fixed.

Sunday was low key. I woke up sore but felt better once I got up and moving, had a coffee and watched some PVR Masterchef from Summer. Mel came home and flopped into a nap and netter herself a sleep hangover, after telling me a bit about her night. I watched a few matches off NXT I had heard good about- Matt Riddle v. Cameron Grimes, and Keith Lee vs. Dominic Dijak vs. Roderick Strong. That should do me for a while.

Monday nigbt, I managed to get writing kn a short story I conceived of weeks ago. It felt good to get moving on it and I feel like it won't take too long to finish, in contrast to my other projects which just seem to be inflating and resisting being brought in for a landing.

Problem is I can't seem to find time to continue. I want to declare writing day at lunch but can't seem to pin that down because of all the socialization. For what it's worth this was also the case at the old office, even though Tony would understand and likely encourage. AJ and Manda too.

The week was downhill. Frustrations at work. In part those are the negative feelings I am fixating on. One book keeps crashing into my life and, if we're being honest, bringing out the worst facets of my working relationship with one of my category managers. I honestly just don't think we click and I'm finding it hard to work around that. It's sad because this should be working better but in reality we're edging close to a similar situation with Kyle where, for whatever reason, I just don't want to see this person, but I know I have to work closely with them. I'm entertaining the notion of quitting, so you know it's bad. And I know she is not getting the best version of me either.

Ostensibly this person is only in this role for a limited time, but let's be real - is she going to go back to doing what she used to be doing? Or are they going to find her a role that somehow keeps her in contact with me? And what about tbe other person, who is on mat leave? Currently the Kids Dept has 4 category managers and a director because pf accommodating a now-returned mat leave. What awaits us?

The worst part is, they never solicit my opinion when considering performance in that role, even though *working with me* is, you know, part of it.

So these are the things that keep me up, along with garden variety anxieties. And typing this all up will likely contribute to my lack of sleep, especially finishing with it.

Today Mel and I submitted our marriage license application. Technically we applied online but we had to go in with ID and sign anyway so I'm not sure what the benefit is. It was a minor debacle, one of my usual cases of haplessness. We were running late already and got all the way there when I realised I had forgotten my passport. Doh. So I scampered back, frustrated and mad at myself, but Mel was oddly cool about it. Maybe she's learned I'm my own worst critic

 The process was not overly long. I rolled into work at 10:30, having warned Jess the day before that I would be "a little late." It was worse than I'd thought of course but nothing was said. Still, more key title frustrations, meetings and time consuming calculations mean that today was, if not a total writeoff, less productive than I'd hoped and more minor tasks fall by the wayside... which usually comes back to bite me one way or the other.

Yay. Looking forward.

Well, I've wrecked sleep tonight by maintaining my brain momentum. Let's see if I can beats the odds.

Keep on rockin
Scotto

Eighteen: Step in

It's funny. I have never really been shy about sharing my poor mood here - I've wreen far more about being sad or frustrated than I ever have about being happy so if anything the opposite is true
 But tonight as I find myself with a few minutes, which I have elected to spend blogging, in the dark of my bedroom as usu, I find myself strangely guarded. Like I shouldn't get into it. Perhaps tis is maturity, or perhaps... the opposite.

I have been glum, and there's a lot making me that way. I do think I'm more sensitive and melancholy in fall. I think I'm touchier.  There are a lot of potential triggers here in this specific year you know. Mel and I have been quarrelling lately over what on tb
He surface is minor stuff but beneath that, relates to my fear that she doesn't see certain feelings I have as valid, and would rather I not have them because it's hard for her. Therein lies my guard since I hesitate to speak ill of my relationship. By and larve I'm happier now than 5 years ago, and tough times come naturally in any pairing, but to acknowledge that feels like a failure.

The wedding is coming up, so that's a flashpoint for conflict, but it's only representative of other things. Yes, once ot os removed from the equation a huge stressor will be removed but other things will rush to fill that space. That is when we'll know what our relationship truly is when you get down to it.

Family has also been difficult to negotiate, and sometimes I wish Mel were less rigid on some of those things too. I drove muself nuts trying to make everyone happy. Not everyone returns the favour.

Looks like Grandma will be out of the hospital soon, which is incredible.

I've had some annoyances at work, spread a little too thin, but I've worked to manage that. Again, soon we will be out of Q3 and I will have 6 months or so of peace in our time.

It all can't happen soon enough. The thing that compounds this is not having time to write, freedom just to daydream. I still do tbe X-Cerpts since they're easy and fun but nothing like getting your own shit out on the page. The problem that nobody seems to understand is that you need to reserve so much mental energy to do that and life soea not afford that. I feel bad for having so many friends at work who like seeing me at lunch - and whom I like seeing. All of them would understand if I took a day for myself but I haven't even felt up to it lately. So it becomes a vicious cycle.

I broke it tonight by finalizing some TPI Posts I had drafted. That was a big because even though they are off the books in a way, they get out there immediately to an audience., which is intensely satisfying. I have plans for the final beats to my years-long story, but I'm behind on that. Conventionally, I have not been writing much at night. My brain is too fried and trying to reactivate it enough to write has, I believe, led me to miss out on sleep for a whole night. I was nearly asleep, sitting up in bed when I decided I was going to push through and, in this instance, I was glad I did. I feel much better now than I did 2 hours ago. And now I can rest easy for a week or two while I regroup. Or perhaps I will capitalize on this momentum, I haven't decided yet.

This post is very elusive. I think I'll leave it. On that. It's sad thoigh that despite oressig theough, my guard remains up, even knowing this blog is a virtual secret frkn the world at this point.

Keep on rockin
Your unreliable narrator Scotto

Seventeen: A Flicker Around Now

It has been a strangely eventful few weeks, such that I'm not sure that, sitting quietly in the dark at 11:45 on a worknight, I should be taking the time to relate it all. But I find myself not sleeping, and just refreshing sites where I have posted hoping for acknowledgment. I think the healthy thing to do in that case is to turn to the thing I do specifically not to be acknowledged. It was this or work forward on my X-Men blog, and that's gotten a lot of my attention lately. (Creative writing mostly gets the shaft - I feel too worn out at night to commit to it, and if it's good I get too energized from doing it.)

I've been saying for days that the next chance I have to update SWP I should, and here we are. A long way from the years of nightly posts about "life sucks blahhhhh" but not too far removed from "gorsh I never post anymore."

Summer tilted tentatively into Fall. We had picked that chilly weekend to go to the trailer, but there were a few scorchers left including one weekend where it was deemed too hot at Nonna's to even eat outside. We watched Rocky III and IV with her and played cards, which we all enjoyed.

The weather has settled into a consistent autumnal chill. I confided to Tony, and Amanda separately that that leaves in me a teeny tiny version of Seasonal Affected Disorder - not enough to disrupt my life, but definitely enough to change my mood, make me more sensitive, touchy, melancholy, wistful. I told Manda I was often happier in the dead of winter, all bundled up and miserable with snow, than for September and October. I'm not right during these months.

I told Mel too, of course - she has a right to a head's up. Not sure she took it seriously but we did use it as a point of conversation. She loves fall, and of course the things she loves, she doesn't get why I might not love them (fall, having career aspirations, gym.) But I love her, so I can endure lots for that.

I can feel lonely in fall even when I am with people. Of course I have often felt lonely when I wasn't alone. It's an introvert's curse. A few weeks ago was Mel's Bridal Shower. Lots of women were there to celebrate her. Her family, her friends, my family, her family's friends. I spent the day with Unc and Papa H and Jeff and Uncle Gary and Ryan watching the Patriots-Bills game. This is the kind of thing I do for other people, because - and I cannot stress this enough - I do not give a shit about football. Or hockey, and only marginally basketball, and a few degrees more than that about baseball because of childhood nostalgia. But watching sports together is the only thing males of a certain generation have, and I really want to show my appreciation and deference and bond with them, so I watched and did what I could to get into it, despite not knowing, or caring about, the ins and outs of the game. Mel and I had the Patriots in the pool (against my preference but not against my will - they win a lot.) But the Bills covered the spread.

It was sad because while Mel was involved in a gathering that was for her, I was involved in a gathering that was for... everyone else, I guess? I mean if it were up to me how to spend my Saturday afternoon, and I had to not pass it alone, maybe I'd watch bad movies or old wrestling with my brothers. Something stupid that I enjoy. But the previous day Mel had gotten her hair done so I got my requisite 2 hours in Starbucks to write and dick around, so I was content then.

The tradition is that I show up at the end of the bridal shower with flowers and a card. The reception I got was extremely warm, all the women there seemed happy to see me, That was welcoming and nice. Really soothed me. I got the scoop on how everything went. Mom caught up with Nonna (they had hit it off at the Paradiso dinner) Mama H loved meeting Grandma.

The following weekend had Mel and her mom going to Richmond Hill for a dress fitting. I got to spent an afternoon alone and then catch up with Isiah, who was meeting me after board games at Tony's. It was a great couple-hour chat, in contrast to a brief interaction Mel had with an old friend recently where he gave her 45 minutes of small talk and went home to watch the Leafs game.

That Friday, we had gone home to see Dad for his birthday, which was a quiet evening. Stressful since we had to get home and go to Oakville after work, then come back to Toronto for the night since we weren't staying. We had been in Oakville too much lately and needed the time just to ourselves (to clean, largely in preparation for Mel's Mom's visit.)

I had seen my Mom the weekend before the shower, to pick up childhood pictures for a display. We had thought they were going to be used in an age-guessing game but they were just decorations. I had told mom we were just stopping by, but she thought we would be staying for dinner, a miscommunication that saddened me.

You can give so much of your time to other people and still end up shortchanging some of them, at least to where they are let down.

A few days after Mel's mom's visit, my mom texted to ask if I was aware Grandma had been in the hospital since Sunday. I was not. At that age you always need to be prepared for the worst but you never know until you confront it. Just that same day, Manda had told me Bryan's papa had passed of a similar ailment at a similar age. The coincidence made me edgy.

On Thursday mom called again to update me on the seriousness. We made plans to go see her on Saturday. That very night we had to go to the FedEx depot to pick up a package for Mel. I was dazed. She was headachey and ill-at-ease. We eschewed the Uber we had planned to use for a round trip because his aggressive driving style (common to all Toronto Ubers) made Mel ill. We took the bus back, which Mel later said she didn't mind so much. Not too long of a trip, even. Went right to our house. We got off a stop early.

Saturday we went with Eric to see Grandma. The seriousness of her situation had been downgraded, which was a weird thing to process. She was sitting upright in a chair, she had had some food. Dazed and confused from all the treatments, she wasn't entirely sure who she was talking to or maybe what year it was, but that'll happen.

Who knows what kind of hard decisions must be made. She has been the hub of our family for ever and it will hurt to lose her, and it hurts waiting for that time, too. But she was bright eyes and conversational at least on Saturday. Aunt Marj was there, which was nice - it was good to see her after a very flagrant missed connection concerning her invite to the Bridal Shower. That made me sad, too. After, Eric, Mel and I went to grab a quick pre-dinner bite at the Port Credit Loblaws.

That day also featured a bizarre event where I tried to run back to our apartment to grab some decaf pumpkin coffee for Mel to have at her parents place that weekend (Thanksgiving) and then rush back down in time for the train. I would have made it too if I had given Mel a different instruction on where to meet. Alas we wound up on opposite teamways, and by the time it was fixed - and I rushed across an entire train station to get to her - she was on the train and away.

I was very upset, but it had been a trying few days.

The Wednesday before, we had had our first marriage bootcamp session with our officiant, Priya. It was very revealing, very emotionally raw, but not in any kind of negative way. We talked about communication, our style of partnership, raised the kinds of questions that should be raised before you enter into commitment (and thankfully largely have been.) The only shocking takeaway is just how badly my own lack of ambition in life throws Mel, who would prefer I had a similar drive to her.

Well, don't marry a Buddhist then. Me, I'm okay with what I am and where I am and how I am it. That said, maintaining my relationship comes first, so I'll try anything to ensure its health.

Later on Saturday - sorry to jump back and forth but I have to use tangents because it's a lot to try to pin down chronologically - we went to Dad's with Eric and Brandon. I liked this gathering more than the one that was just Mel and me and them. More elements, more fun. We got Dad's SNES Classic out and each took a turn. Well, Dad, B and I did.

No sound though since it was hooked up to the computer monitor.

Proper Thanksgiving was at Uncs as usual. After the big meal, Mel napped at length and I read. I hope she didn't feel too bad about not taking a walk since I know she wanted to (this thing of having done something once and wanting it to be tradition. I do it as much as anybody.) The food was great and there was plenty of it. Unc and I split a radler. Mel and Nonna trounced me and Mama H at cards. After Mel's parents went home, Mel and I stayed to play Exploding Kittens with Unc and Sherlie, then watch 90 Day before they gave us a lift back to Mel's parents place. We were ushered home the next day.

We spent the Holdiay Monday in idleness. I did some necessary tasks and some unnecessary ones. Doesn't feel like too much of a waste, but it could have been more. Mel was sad I let her sleep so long but it's hard to get her up. Unfortunately, she didn't sleep well the ensuing night and had to stay home stick today.

Monday night we got the Proper SNES out and played some games - particularly Zombies Ate My Neighbors (Halloween fun!), Mario 1, and Kirby's Avalanche.

Here I have related almost everything relevant about the last few weeks, minus anything at work, which I easily could have slotted in on the theme of reasons to feel melancholy. That will have to wait - the moment has passed but it will come again. It's late and I've been at it a while and now this is all off my mind, which is nice.

I didn't drink tonight. Most nights I have one beer - my tradition from well before I met Mel, which I resumed only after we moved here and found myself tossing and turning after drinking something sugary with dinner. Is it healthy? Unhealthy? I don't know, but it usually works. You've gotta do something. I'm not a "Water" guy. I drink it right at bedtime but not usually with meals. We'll see how I fare tonight and in the morning. I'm tired but maybe not sleepy. Part of that may be staring at a screen, typing, and pouring out every detail of my month for an hour.

I could go on longer but we've been circling the block for about 3 paragraphs now.

Before too much longer, keep on rockin
-Scotto

IMPORTANT CLERICAL EDIT: The Memory lies. Here I have described the trip to Nonna's where we watched Rocky movies, but that had already happened on Labour Day as of a previous post. I think on the randomly hot weekend - where I think we all also accompanied her to church - we watched football. But who knows? It's gone. These words didn't catch the moment in time.

KOR-SAW