27: What You Have Left

Sunday afternoon syndrome.

It's been a relaxed weekend. Friday, Mel asked if we could go to Cora's for breakfast on Saturday, so we did. They had a deal on where you could split an omelet, pancake, waffle and some meat, which sounds like our kind of deal. We sat and we talked a bit about life and work and my lack of work, and plans, and what was going to be for dinner (with no particular resolution.) Mel is trying to interrogate whether there are directions in life I have not pursued, and I have a hard time saying that what she's suggesting isn't necessarily right. It's very hard to explain and it sounds like I'm just being negative. Luckily there were other things to discuss.

We had brought our reading devices so we decided to go to a park to sit on the grass and read, but the one we wanted to go to was closed, so we went to the one by the Lyon's club where we had seen Joe play a while back. It was nice, as Mel relaxed on me, but the early afternoon shade was already encroaching on us and we had to move repeatedly to stay in the warm sun.

Before we got home, we had hoped to pick up some fountain pops from Five Guys, but they told me their ice machine was not working, so instead I went to Shoppers and got pops there when I had to pick up Mel's prescription. We ended up ordering Kelsey's for dinner but they only gave us half our order of pita to go with the spinach dip (we got the extra $1.19 refunded, but what good does that do us.) And the sauce we had chosen to go on the wings was a tad too hot.

We watched that movie where Zach Efron plays Ted Bundy, and then the first three episodes of Adolescence before bed. Today we got off to an even slower start, making our own breakfast and finishing the show before Mel had to go up to finish some work.

I'm a little listless. I spent the morning doing some writing -- over the last few days an idea has come to me, which is very annoying because it wouldn't leave me head until I at least started it. I now have, but frustratingly, it's never as good on paper as it seems in your head. I've experimented with some of those apps that allege to pay you for playing games but they don't really. I mean, it's foolish to expect something for nothing. Still, I'm enjoying the game and if I play it a bit on the side and maybe sorta kinda get close to almost earning something off of it, isn't that slightly better than playing a different game I also enjoy for zero money whatsoever?

These are good times, so it's weird that I'm kind of off. I think we're drinking up the last bits of "summer" as it cools down. the change in temperature hasn't left me feeling sad or bad in any real way, more relieved the heat is broken. I used to feel self-conscious about how the summer would pass me by, but since I've been out walking the dog every day and doing errands besides that, it's hard to not feel like I got a good experience of it and am ready for the heat to dissipate. We also did a fair number of things together.

Mel went to the office in Oakville on Thursday and had dinner with her folks, leaving me to my own devices, which wasn't bad. I did a few small tasks around the house. We were hoping to see the babies this weekend but it ended up being postponed for next weekend. The relaxation is our consolation prize.

Hank got through his dental recovery period quite well and is now back of hard food. They also gave him some pills to try to stop him from licking his paws all the time by cutting off his itch receptors, which is apparently a normal thing you do for dogs. I guess it's also sort of a normal thing you do for humans. It seems to be working well.

Tonight I'll be making a long-delayed pork roast on the barbeque with roasted veggies and a sidekick. It's supposed to rain all week.

The kitchen is C-plus in cleanliness (room to prepare food and nothing rotting, still cluttered and stained.)

I think I'm going to walk the boy now. Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

26: To Drain Us With Such Little Effort

It's 5:00 on a Tuesday. That's meaningless of course, but it's true. I'm skirting my responsibilities, such as they are, because, well, goddamnit I felt like it.

I shouldn't. It's irresponsible not to be responsible, you know, but I'm feeling dull. I ought to be cleaning the kitchen -- this is a recurring leitmotif of all my posts lately and I have made progress but with every effort of course comes a rebound because I keep having to use the kitchen to make food, which is messy. I should, and I want to, and yet...?

I think I'm regressing. To what, I don't know, but a good clue is that I am back to reading old posts, particularly from my 2013 tumblr days. I don't want to be a sad single person in his 20's, of course, but there are times it seems easier to navigate than being an adult with (say it again) responsibilities. I love Mel and I love my life but it is not always easy and doesn't always feel good, but, and here's the catch, it's hard in the way that things are supposed to be hard, and it truly -- I believe this to my bones -- doesn't get better than this. I appreciate it, I am appreciative of it, but that doesn't mean I never get down.

But it's my own stupid mind and body I'm fighting. My bad habits, my laissez-faire attitudes, my laziness, lack of attention and care, desire to do something else.

I'm talking in vague terms and honestly I'm not even talking about anything, except the general difficulty level of being whateveritis that I am. 38-year-old married unemployed guy who can't clean a house.

But I'm typing this instead of scrubbing the kitchen sink, which I could very well do right now, perhaps because I know any moment Mel will finish work and the situation will move on to walking Hank and making dinner and settling in for the night -- nice things that make life good.

Ya know, if they never told me they needed me to come in at 9 AM every day, I'd still be in that job.

Don't ask me how we got onto this topic, I just took a breath and, as I often do during my day, had a thought about whether it was right to quit. I still believe it was. I still believe I did what was right for my life and my wellbeing and the fact that I have not yet found my next job has no bearing on that. I applied for some jobs today. Mel said she wanted to be more involved in my job search, or at least up to date on it, which is fair, so I told her and she sent me a heart and a "good job baby." Which is nice.

What I have not told her is all the other stuff that goes on here, the stuff that has slightly more material outcome than applying for jobs that never end up calling me back, but has less, shall we say, cachet. I can't say "Oh, I'm writing smut for weirdos, and that's gonna get me some money but not enough to live on" because, well, I don't really want to have that conversation. I just want to do the writing.

What is this post?

There is so much to do and I respond by doing none of it. I try to get myself into gear and then my flow gets interrupted and I never get back to it. Life seems content to punctuate my days arbitrarily.

Back to my thing about the job. You know, we weren't happy overall with the situation -- gad, I never heard the end of it sometimes -- but we had a delicate balance struck. Perhaps I would have stayed on and started my search from there, like a sane person. and I'dve been drained and useless and morose and zombified, but I'd have an income. Everything but the hard 9 AM start was amenable to me. No, I did not like being there three days a week, and particularly it was not fun to come in on Mondays but we had rhythm, we had practice. The status quo as it was when I left was almost acceptable, except for 9. And also feeling like I had been on a treadmill with no hope (or desire) for advancement for several years, and also kind of getting tired of the job I was doing. But I've been known to let myself suffer silently for long periods.

It was all for the best. That straw that broke the camel's back. The thing that made me say this is not for me anymore and it doesn't matter I have nowhere to go, I need out. Not want out, need. Now we are four months later and I have made under $300, 2/3 of which is passive income from work done in previous years and ~$100 of which is deposit on a commission that, gosh, I really should get to.

I think we're all still waiting for my big move, but... the kitchen needs cleaning.

I got a new idea ((as if I needed one)) based the episode with the tailgater from the mystery trip. But I'm already booked solid on ideas to ignore for the next decade. But that's me.

Ah, to say so much and so little, and so much in so little, and so little with so much. Has there ever been a more SWP-ish post? Haven't you learned more about me and my state of mind than in a post where I actually talk about things I've done? (I've done nothing. Also my shoulders still hurts.)

I think I'll actually go do something in the kitchen, having poured out all this detritus. Then a walk and one of our misbegotten Hello Fresh dinners we forgot to cancel (a situation that has now been rectified.) Mango Chicken? Sounds pretty good.

Keep on rockin'

-SW

25: 55%

Well, today is not everything I would have hoped it would be. I'm alone at home (with Hank) but I'm laid up on the couch with a severe case of Sleptwrongitis. It set in just after I got in from walking Hank, because otherwise I had been feeling relatively energetic and go-gettery after dropping Mel off at the train station.

On Tuesday, Hank had dental surgery, which went about as well as these things do. We fasted hin overnight ans gave him some meds, although part of me felt like we didnt do a good job with the anti-nausea meds we were only given half a tab of and ended up dissolving into liquid we hoped he would ingest. Nevertheless it seemed to have no negative impact on the result.

Mind you, we did have some fears. We got up and walked Hank over, then took him to the kennel in the back and signed some papers, which included some obligatory bits about worst case scenarios, which put me (us) into a funk with concern over said worst cases and fear we wouldn't get our Hankey back.

And indeed it was worse than hoped for, as they informed us -- not surprisingly -- that he needed more than one tooth out. Luckily, given Hank's sporadic dental health, it was only one other. We were able to get him at 5 and he was slightly loopy and very whiny, probably because he was hungrier than we could feed him. We comfortws him as best we could, taking turns curling up on the floor with him.

Eventually he settled in and the next morning he was his usual bright eyed bushy tailed self. It's been fine since, he just needs to have soft food for a few weeks.

Mel wasn't sure if she would follow through with her plans to go to the office, but seeing how good Hank was doing she went ahead. After walking him, my neck locked up so I've pretty much just been on the couch all day, first watching wrestling, now LOST (end of s3.) Which sucks because I was raring to go on some writing, and the kitchen needs a clean, and I'm not totally sure how I'm going to do driving Mel home. But I've taken some extra strength tylenol and I *can* sit up a bit, so... well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

I dont feel too bad or anything because it is what it is, but it just sucks. Obviously I need to kick into next gear on this job search, but when I feel up to the challenge things grt in my way. Maybe I should barrel through but... man it's tough.

Tough to be anything, really.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

24: Strawberry (Past ≠ Present)

Gosh, I could be doing just about anything right now. Tidying my desk as has been requested. Cleaning the kitchen. Cleaning the basement. Applying for jobs. Writing something that might actually make me a buck. Diddling in my phone. But instead I'm doing SWP, lucky you.

We've got a nice, gradual slide into cool fall weather going on right now and I am into it. Having experienced this summer from home, I can say the hot days were hot and the cool days aren't too cold yet, and I'm glad about it. I'm mostly walking Hank around 8:30 in shorts and a hoodie. Weather uncertainty is one of my bigger stressors in life... you know I hate to be caught without appropriate clothing.

We've had a few weekends since my last post, and boy were they. Mel had Friday off so we went to Mandarin, which was a reasonably nice experience and definitely better than the last time we went to that location. Saturday we took Nonna out to lunch at Mo's, which we had been planning for a while. That was a nice outing. The place lived up to its reputation for huge portions, and we walked out with enough schnitzel to feed us dinner as well. We spent a long while with her afterward, playing cards and sitting in the garden.

We saw her again the next day, for what was supposed to be Unc's birthday at Mama and Papa H's, but sadly he had to spend the day at the ER with Sophia, who was running a fever. Because she's on antibiotics they take a bit more care with her. So we just sat around the backyard and ate cake anyway, because what else are you gonna do? Then had a game of Farkle. We had left Hank with Dad and Deb, which they were happy to do, but I forgot to bring back dad's keys. This is one of the lesser examples of my haplessness and forgetfulness screwing me over lately -- and not even the only one that involves keys -- which I don't want to dwell on.

I think about that, though. There's so much between my own bad planning, natural misfortune, and outright malice, that really screws a person up sometimes. 

Monday was dinner at mom's which would have been peachy except she revealed just as she was plating dinner that she was feeling sick. Apparently her apartment just makes her feel sick all the time. Suboptimal, considering how much stress went into getting it and getting rid of her old place. It would be a perfect spot for her too, otherwise. Wah.

Who the hell knows what is going to happen with that. Otherwise it was nice to see the guys and play MST3K with the Stingray Retro music videos, featuring not one but two appearances by Capt. Lou Albano in Cyndi Lauper vids. (Mel: "What's that on his face?" Brandon: "A rubber band.") We left early, after fruit tart.

During the week, Mel went to see Freakier Friday with her mom and Laura, giving me the evening to do not much.

This past weekend, we took our long-awaited Guess Where trip. Was it worth the hype? It was certainly a drive. We went places, we saw things, all of which we would never have done otherwise. It was a tough morning getting into gear, so while I was definitely prepared not to make the suggested 9:30-10:30 window, we didn't hit the road until about noon, including a U-turn when we forgot something at home in the chaos of getting ready.

First stop took us out to the Lucy Maud Montgomery gardens in Norval. Although the roads getting there were some of the worst I have ever driven on, it was a nice little place to poke around, and there were some trails we might have explored had we had more time. Next stop was to the hamlet of Glen Williams for lunch at a dog-friendly pub (albeit only at one of two tables out front) where Hank got lots of attention, then antiquing where we poked around a while, didn't see much of interest but I did pick up a few old X-Men comics from late in the Claremont run. The next stop was this old farm where a lot of shows and movies get filmed, which also had access to a long trail that we would have spent more time on except it was getting late. That was where I almost missed the site and had to turn abruptly, which I guess the guy behind us on the highway took exception to because he pealed off behind us then looped around to make sure he could call me a racial epithet (??). Hey man, that's his business, I'm just doing my best living life. It could have been a lot worse, though, which is what I'm burning about.

That kind of put a damper on the day, along with how late it was getting, so we elected not to extend the trip any longer and just go home, flop on the couch and have omelettes for dinner. 

Was it all worth it? Well, I can definitely tell you that it was better that we didn't go on that cool, gray May day we were originally considering. I don't see why we couldn't have gone on my Birthday earlier that week when it was sunny and warm though. Ah well. Mel rated it a 3.5 out of 5, I gave it 4, possibly partly as a way of easing her mind.

Sunday, Mel had a nail appointment and I got my hair cut, although I don't think I would request that barber again. The vibe was off and the result is different from what I usually get, brushed to the opposite side. She seemed indecisive, and so was I because I'm not used to giving much in the way of instruction. Then we went to Homesense to look for gifts and maybe an ottoman we're in the market for. No luck on that last score but we also didn't buy any cheeky treats for ourselves, a rarity

Now it's just back to life, whatever that is. The nonemployment situation is starting to wear on me... what do I do, who do I be, how do I give back to the house.

Time will tell. It has to.

Keep on rockin

-Scotto