XIV: Relative to what

In a coma tonight. Sitting back, sipping a beer, letting the minutes pass. Not upset about anything, not depressed or sad or even bored. Just content to listen to The National and be passive. Maybe the music is making me more morose then I would otherwise be.

I'm just happy not to be doing anything. I was doing something earlier, colouring a page for the comic I'm currently slowly putting together. I spent nearly an hour trying to decide on a colour for a single panel's background. In the old days I'd just pick a shade or a gradient and be done with it, but I decided that wasn't good enough so I went through all these options and in the end I choose a faded mint green anyway. Then I began to letter it, ran into some technical difficulties, and decided to call it a night.

Then I thought, what else can I do? Could write a story, could write a review, could do a lot of things. But I satisfied myself just to stop everything for a little while. All the real estate in my life is either occupied or being developed. Very little open space, you know? I had half a day of work today, as a trade-off for coming in to work on Sunday. When I explained the trade-off to family, why that led to half-day today, I don't think I got my point across. I think I kept hidden my perspective, which is really just getting out of work: not doing more than "my share." Not accepting added responsibility without being relieved of something else. I don't want to let them think they can keep piling stuff on me, that I'm just gonna take it out of the kindness of my heart. "Oh but Scotto, you get paid for that 3 hours." Yeah, well. I don't want them to think I'm just about money. That they can buy me into putting in an extra day of work. I'm not just about the money, and in fact I'd work less if there was any way to manage that. Shoerter days, fewer days, I don't know. I'd be open to it because lately my time is what I value most of all. Maybe I'm getting resentful, bitter. I just don't want to TAKE it, you know? It's a peace of mind thing.

In any case, Bev didn't seem to have a problem with it.

Not that I did anything useful with my time off. Walked downtown, got overheated. Set myself up to feel exhausted tomorrow morning, I'm sure. I did it on a whim because I knew that if I just went home, I'd be... home, doing nothing. Which I am now, but... on time that I would have had anyway. My choice. Maybe. Maybe not.

I had a date last week. It went okay, not great, I don't think there'll be a second one but that's not my choice. I was probably unimpressive, quiet, bad company. She was downtown, see, and I went out to see her, and it just took it all right out of me, plus nerves. Pressure. We just didn't know what to talk about, which seems to be my MO lately.

I don't think it needs to be this tough, y'know. Other people manage. Other people spend entire Friday nights without spilling all this verbiage and getting nowhere. Other people.

On to the next one.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto

XIII: A Hiccup of Self

Things have happened in the past few weeks. It's been a lot of birthdays and gatherings and family drama. And self-drama.

Saturday, May 25th, I was curled up on the bathroom floor having a panic attack/nervous breakdown/episode/thing because I didn't want to go out for the night. Note that I was under no obligation to do so, it was merely a suggestion, which I brushed off, because I just wanted to stay in and relax. Then I felt bad about that and I had all these conflicting impulses inside me, thus the episode. All I really want in life, most of the time, is a little peace and quiet.

But hey, some people have real problems.

Four days later, Wednesday May 29th, I got my G1. Only ten years late. It was a surprisingly easy process, although I'd been preparing off and on for months, all I really did was take a refresher course online before setting out. I took a long, long bus ride to the Maple Grove area where they have the Drive Test center. There was some light paperwork, a vision test, and then the written test, 20 questions in two categories each, and you can get four wrong in each. I think I wound up with 17+18. Then I got outside at it was pouring. Sigh.

I haven't driven yet. Haven't started. Not eager to think about it. I've gone so long without it being part of my life, although I feel like I could learn now, better than when I was a teenager. But it's one more plank replaced in the ship of Scotto.

Today was a big family gathering that I was looking forward to in the sense that I was excited to get through it and go to the other side so thaT I would have nothing on the horizon. Things were complicated when I ended up working for three hours to help Bev out of a jam, ultimately to show up an hour late. It was a meeting of my mom's cousins on her dad's side. Very chaotic, but it was what it was. I'd say it's all done with but that just adds a new entanglement in the web of family gatherings: we missed one birthday a few weeks ago and it's all got to be rectified. Honestly.

I spent most of the day entertaining the kids (ie taking them to the park) and picking at salads while awkwardly discussing what I am doing with my life with distant relatives. I dunno. It was what it was. There could've been a more detailed explanation for all of this but I'm not 18 anymore and I don't have the energy for it. We have so much in the way of leftover cold cuts. Come have some.

I've ramped up my efforts in online dating. Went out on Friday night, to Toronto no less. Crazy that I would go to the trouble but I don't know. I need to get out more. I need to be more okay with doing things. We walked around a lot, went to a bookstore, talked, asked awkward first date questions... it was nice. It ended well. I think there'll be a second one.

I was so nervous beforehand though, I ejected my dinner behind a convenience store near the subway. Classic Scotto. Tsk tsk.

I hope nobody's reading that, but I'm gonna leave it in anyway.

It was such a weird week for stuff like that. Vasa and I tried to rig up a meeting, but I was secretly unsure if I felt up for it. In the end she made the call to postpone and I didn't fight it. Then there was a belated gift from Eden, which we had to meet up for. We're at the mall at the same time a lot but we hardly see each other without going out of our ways. Well, that was always part of the problem with us, I suppose.

I feel tangled up in a lot of things, some being my own design, some being outside forced. I guess that's life, huh. You can't always cut the threads you want to.

I was recently described anonymously as "complacent." I guess I asked for it. Like, in a literal sense, I asked Tumblr for an anonymous opinion of me. "Fair," I said. "Not nice, but fair." But hey, the Internet's never been for nice people. I learned that when I was 13.

This has been my semi-coherent attempt to get a grip on things that are probably not as big as they feel in my life right now.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto