7:34 PM: The Underside

My last post feels like a really long time ago, but it also wasn't -- it was only a week before the wedding, and the wedding doesn't feel so long ago, so what is time, really? But it feels like a lot has happened this month, probably because a lot has happened this month.

Before the wedding was, of course, the egg retrieval. That was a big deal and it was a big day, and although it involved a lot of very intimidating preparation, the day itself went about as smoothly as these things ever do, and moreso than they usually do for us. There was some slight discomfort and lightheadedness for our lovely patient heading into the thing, but she got through it like a trouper, walked out under her own power, and bounced back very quickly.

I feel like she had made the decision not to go to the wedding pretty well in advance. While three days is a pretty decent amount of recovery time, and she was indeed pretty much back to normal by Saturday, she was also pretty sleepy and we didn't feel it was worth the stress of bringing her, worrying about travel, etc etc. She had more or less firmed up plans with her parents "in case" she didn't go, which became more of less confirmed. I affirmed her decision, which I knew wasn't out of lack of desire to be there, but when weighing the pros and cons I just felt like she wouldn't be up to the trip.

Plus that morning we were expecting news about our embryos and if it was bad that would have really soured the occasion. It wasn't bad... on that particular day, luckily.

So I went, driving mom and the guys. Mom had had another bout of COVID but cleared up just in time. we had been asked to go early and get ready with Kris at the hall, which left mom to just kind of putter around there for a while, although when Darryl showed up with his wife Melissa, at least that was one other adult for my mom to talk to. Eric was supposedly going to be the bartender, but in practice the caterers needed he bar space and Eric was drinking too much to be of much help -- to be fair, he had had only a few hours' sleep and nothing to eat. I was allegedly going to be the Emcee, but as with Elizabeth's wedding I ceded my responsibilities to someone who seemed much more keen to do it, in this case Kris' friend Todd.

It was a little disorganized, but considering who we are talking about, it came together relatively nicely. There was a drunk relative on the bride's side that everyone was talking about afterward. We danced at the end of the night and I don't think we left "early." It was good to see family, especially to get that driving time in at the beginning and end of the day with Eric, Brandon and Mom, although on the way home the main topic of conversation as Ross. Ick.

There was a lot of anxiety surrounding the results of the retrieval and implantation. I'm not going to talk a lot about it here but the results were not exactly what we were hoping for and left us in kind of this limbo: it's not nothing but it's not clear how we should proceed. We have a meeting tomorrow morning to discuss with a doctor at the clinic. It was a very emotional week.

Those emotions were made all the worse when some annoying, frustrating shit happened at Mel's work. It's not quite as bad as her last job but there are some issues that make one roll their eyes, and not at Mel. She had to work all weekend, thanklessly, which bit. I did take the opportunity to do some writing but that was about the only upside. 

I don't know. Life. It goes on.

There's so much content in this post and yet it's so bland and flavorless. Funny how much is happening and I'm just, what passively taking it all in? I used to be so anxious and now I'm just a callous.

That's about it, or at least that's all you get.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

6:27 PM: Facts and faces

You know, creating the titles of these blog posts is probably the most creative thing I do these days, and that includes actually writing fiction from time to time.

It feels like it's been a while since my last post. It actually hasn't, as the crow flies, but a lot has been going on in a short period of time, and a lot will continue to go on.

It's Sunday afternoon -- bright but cool, brisk even. Theoretically it's Thanksgiving Sunday but in practice, Mel and I will just be hanging around the house. We have mixed feelings about that but there are reasons that I will elaborate below.

The headline news is that Mel has been on injections for the last few weeks in preparation for the egg retrieval which will be sometime this week. This is the culmination of nine months of planning, hoping and waiting. A lot of anticipation and a lot of anxiety borne out of that anticipation, not knowing what the process would be like.

It's been... surprisingly smooth. I had confidence that it would but you never know. It's a lot of needles, as many as five injections a day between the 3 in the morning (increased from 1 to 2 to 3 as time has gone on) and the 2 at night. The pens have been easy to use, although one time I jumped the gun and forgot to click the dial properly before inserting, oops. The syringes are easy to deal with too, although the one that I have to mix has proven trickiest: when I didn't mix it enough it caused pain.

Mostly, Mel has been very sleepy, although on one day last week she had pretty extreme anxiety that caused us to have a bit of a row because I felt she was taking it out on me unfairly. That's pretty much the only thing that causes friction in this relationship. I can bear almost anything but when I feel like I'm being unfairly blamed for things or underappreciated, I get pissy. I think, with all I do, I have that right.

Otherwise, yeah. We kind of just churn on our axis, making it through our ramshackle days. I think about the kind of life we are going to have, the kind of life we do have. We kind of improvise and I wonder if that's not wrong somehow. Get groceries as needed, never know what we're doing for dinner or on a weekend. Every time we try to become people who plan things it never quite takes. 

Perhaps that's all there is to life. Subsisting, and finding joy where you can. Make the routine, or lack thereof, work for you. You can never fully escape structures anyway. Even the Maine Hermit had his day-to-day. Hell, he had more of it. Subsistence living is tough.

Sorry, where was I?

There really isn't that much else besides bunkering down. We've got the wedding next weekend, which Mel may or may not feel up to attending but seemingly has already made up her mind (it somewhat depends on the day of the procedure.) I want to get through this and enjoy the holidays but I feel like once we get the embryos made, we'll probably go pretty hard on the surrogacy search. That's just kind of... how we are.

One of my colleagues was promoted this past week, into the job I pointedly did not apply for. I'm happy for her and I'm convinced I would not have been a better candidate based on what they saw in her. I'm quite glad she got through the previous barrier of not hiring inside, although that's largely down to the former directors being gone. It gives one hope and yet I'm still wondering what, if anything, would be the next job for me here. I'm a little complacent but I could use more money. But I think the higher jobs require a little more focus and passion than I'm capable of offering.

The eternal dilemma.

I don't really want to talk about it anymore. There's lot's to unpack, but no end to it.

I thought I had a lot more to say but it's really just "Holy shit, needles and appointments."

Keep on rockin'

-Scott, 

Addendum 1:38 PM: Before we started all the injections, we had Laura's birthday. It was this big 'do where she was going to take everyone in a limo down to the Falls and to the Brazilian Steakhouse, which is something that's been talked about since basically I first came into the family 8.5 years ago. First we convened at the family home for apps, then headed to the Falls around 5 although Mel had waffled back and forth over whether she wanted to be in the limo... which is one of those things where as soon as I heard it I was like 'no, you're not going to end up going in the limo.' Basically, she's not a great passenger and we didn't need to be upping her anxiety and all that, so any time she felt doubts or guilt about not going in the limo and instead driving us, I told her I didn't see any way she could possibly have fun in the limo. And looking at the pictures and how crowded it was I was probably right. The only catch was that Mel had been in charge of the birthday playlist and had been very proud of the job she had done and wanted to make sure everyone heard, but we got around that by loading it onto Mama H's phone so they could play it in the limo. Big hit, big success.

Brazilian Steakhouse was... interesting. Yummy food, frustrating service (I know that's kind of "the deal" but they really seemed to focus on the end of the table when there was like 13 people present.) Plus it upset my stomach the day after, but that's neither here nor there. Afterward, and after the 2-cake fiasco, we went to the casino. We actually did really well, coming up about $40 richer, especially after teaming up with Mama H, Unc and Sherlie on the Three Little Pigs machine. The guy next to us was raking it in by the thousands though.

That was a memorable night. Just wanted to make sure that was noted. Later, on the Friday after Mel had started her injections, Laura came over to have dinner with us (nachos yum) and so Mel could spend some time with Jake. Mel took the latter half of last week off and the beginning of this coming week in anticipation of the procedure, although the questions surrounding the actual date have her tense. Well, either way.

Otherwise we have been gadding about as best we can.

Keep on rockin'

again

Scotto