XIV: NUANCE!!!

I actually wasn't planning on doing a post right now, but Marvel Unlimited is down and I had been hoping to do some work on my X-Men blog. There are other things I could be doing, but as I was preparing my customary second coffee (decaf) and though yeah, sure, let's take a poke at it.

March may not be going out like a lion this year but the cold weather is being dragged out kicking and screaming. I mean yes, it is currently about 2 degrees Celsius, which is better than being -2 degrees Celsius, but we're definitely in that early spring limbo. Mel's birthday was not the warmest it's ever been. It was kind of an odd one, because unlike usual she didn't take her week off, because she's about to finish her project and it wouldn't make any sense. So after she officially wraps up on Tuesday, she's got Wednesday off through the following Wed (taking an extra day because of Easter. Which reminds me I should get the decos out ASAP.)

Because she was working on her birthday, there wasn't that manic push do something I usually experience. We had booked dinner at the Keg, and I mostly spent the day on various missions, some of which were birthday related, some not. I had asked her what she would like for her special b-day breakfast, and she asked for Bagel Barn, which always takes some doing but is doable, sure (and coffees from the nearby Coffee Culture.) I thought this was great because right across the street from B-Barn is Dairy Queen, and she had requested an ice cream cake. So I went and got the bagels (inspecting them for being over-toasted before leaving; they were good) then headed over to DQ and there was... nobody there. OK. They open at 10 and maybe they don't expect someone to wander in at 11 looking for ice cream, but here I was. All I heard was the buzzing and churning of machines. I called out "Hello? Anybody here?" No response. Frustrated, I left.

Later, I had to go to Shoppers for unrelated reasons, and I thought while I was out maybe I could zip over to Baskin Robbins, which is closer, and get an ice cream cake there. I almost did, too, but I asked whether they had cookie inside -- the main feature of an ice cream cake -- and the lady said no, it was pure ice cream. Pass. That meant I had to make time to go back out to the far DQ, which I did, having made room in the freezer for the cake. (Boy, if that thing hadn't fit I'd have been fuxked.) Then as I was setting up decos I realized that I hadn't gotten Mel any flowers, so I had to zip back out -- again to Shoppers rather than going all the way to Fortinos -- for some bouquets.

The day was nice, although the banners had a harder time sticking to the walls than they usually do. We had a good evening at the Keg, which actually included a free slice of Billy Miner Pie, so we ended up not even having the ice cream cake that night but I didn't mind. The family that sat next to us around the time we were ready to leave was having a hard time figuring out what the kids could eat if not steak. Maybe the kids aren't ready for the steakhouse, you know?

The week proceeded. I actually got some good work done both on my personal projects and on my attempt to learn coding, which I'm glad to get back to. Hopefully I can gain some momentum and retain most of what I'm picking up so that I don't feel like a liar when I say I know this stuff. Mel actually knows now that I'm trying to write a book. I mean, she appears to have been under that impression for some time, which isn't inaccurate. We were in the car yesterday, and I mentioned something that was happening in "my book," meaning the book I was reading (Half His Age by Jennette McCurdy) and she initially thought I was talking about the book I was writing. I mentioned I was making good progress on that, and she asked when she could read it, which is actually something I've thought about. I said maybe when there was 10,000 words (well, maybe closer to 20.) She said she just didn't want to read it for the first time when it was published. I chuckled. Somewhat unlikely.

Anyway, about momentum, who knows if that will maintain while she's on break over Easter. We'll see what can be done. Maybe if I do some before she's on break, then hold until after she goes back.

Yesterday was the much-anticipated trip to Mandarin with the family, which I was lauded for putting together, although it was mostly at Mel's instruction. I had called ahead the day before to make double sure we could get two high chairs and there was still some confusion when we were seated. There was a lot of talk about the number of bodies, chairs and tables but in the end I think we all ended up getting it right, especially because of the number of plates Unc and Sherlie used for the kids. There was also a lot of chaos regarding who gets the birthday benefit and how, but eventually we just let it be how it was, with Mel getting the free meal. Nonna also paid for my meal, over protests, with Mama H transferring me money back for it.

It was about as good of a meal as you expect from Mandarin, I got all the things I like, like lemon chicken and torpedo shrimp, plus one rib, various noodles, rices, veggies, a very puffy egg roll, a mussel, whatever. Mel got the sushi as she often does, and a sausage she wasn't wowed by. She got to spend a lot of time with the twins, who are no longer babies, taxonomically speaking. 

She told me she had a great day, which is good because she was worried about certain conversational topics. Those things were downplayed. Laura is surprisingly modest about her pregnancy (although this is kind of in character for her, just not pregnant people in general.) and we spent more time talking about the Netflix show Age of Attraction. I'm not trying to be an asshole or anything, but it's a sensitive subject to me and Mel so I tread lightly. If it comes up, it's not like I'm jamming my fingers in my ears.

After lunch we went to her parents' house for a bit of a sit, some espresso, some opening gifts and letting the kids toddle around. It was fun. We brought Nonna home and then flopped on the couch with Hank after I took him for a walk (Mel was nonplussed that Hank seemed a little standoffish to her, which always makes her sad when she craves his affection.) We had omelets for dinner because I couldn't think of what else to do; they were good. No idea what we'll do for breakfast today though. We watched Shrill, which we'll probably finish tonight after only first starting it a few days ago.

And that's that. Hank's a little pouty right nowbecause I'm not on the couch with him. I worry that he's a little spoiled by my presence, which is oddly enough what I gave as my reason for not having a dog during work from home years. I'm torn between going to cuddle him and continuing to diddle on the computer. I probably won't write-write, but who knows.

Decent, decent times.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XIII: Anthem of a Supposed Nation

A little small talk tonight, hm? It's 6:30 and Mel's resting and Hank's cuddled up with her and I'm not sure anyone particularly wants to go for a walk. Today was my first day back on unemployment and it was mostly spent busying myself, catching up on chores, cleaning -- finishing taking down the Christmas Decos (only three months after Christmas, and just in time for Mel's birthday, which is tomorrow!) The kitchen is only a little bit messy today and I feel like if I got my dander up I could do something in the basement... but there's also the courses and the job search to get back to. Hm, why can't there be two of me? (Oh yeah, because then we'd still both have to work.)

The end of work... boy, was I ready for this. The week was okay, so far as it goes. I wasn't sure they were going to need me anymore after Monday -- we had pretty much caught up on the backlog we were working through, but they found other things for me to do, so I stayed the whole week, unlike the other temps, were who dismissed on Thursday. There was a whole thing about that; they were supposed to be done on Wednesday but the bosslady is a poor communicator and made it seem like Thursday was their last day. So they got paid a bit for coming in and going right back home because their stuff was already shut down.

I had feelings. Obviously getting up and going to an office isn't so bad in and of itself, and this was the most favorable version of that, being that the office was only about 20 minutes away from my house (Mel and I constantly disagreed on how long the drive actually is, but it greatly depends on who else is on the road and I felt like 20 minutes was about right most days.) The work was un-stimulating but easy enough to master, plain Jane data entry and e-mails. I got to sit around with my headphones on for long stretches, although I didn't have or give myself leeway to do anything creative during the few down periods especially on the last week. I had the usual compunctions about being out of the house all day, you know, Mel has a hard time getting away and making lunch, so I did what I could to set her up for breakfast and lunch before I left in the mornings. That didn't stop there from being the occasional issue, although we got through it. I made a playlist so that every day I could listen to relaxing, emotionally distant music as I drove home. Radiohead, the Beta Band, the Verve, sometimes warmer stuff like Big Star, and lots more.

My last day, being a Friday, I saw very few people except my mom. It was raining and the cafe downstairs happened to be closed so I drove to Longos to get a sandwich, which was fine and also a lot more affordable than their sandwiches anyway. Nothing really special about that day except I made an error about ten minutes before the end of the day, which prolonged by experience. Yuck.

I don't know. It was fine. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's done. I'd do it again if they called in 6 months and I was available. IT was reassuring to know that I could learn a new thing, even if it was obviously easy. They seemed reasonably impressed by my efforts.

Wednesday, jumping back, Mel went to the city, to the Dayfore office in North York. The power went out and she was sent home early, which we both thought was great because we could rendezvous and have a night together. Except there just happened to be a fatality on the tracks that day, and after leaving the office at 3:30 she didn't get in the door at home until about 7, after all the delays and uncertainty, primarily disembarking at Long Branch, waiting an hour for a possible bus to Port Credit, and then being moved back onto the train. The whole experience wore her out so that she didn't make her planned trip back to the city again the following day. Who could blame her?

We picked up some wings and dip from Kelseys. 

The weekend was pretty full. Saturday, we spent the day at the mall so Mel could get her nails done and we did some shopping, coming home with a massive pot for our indoor tree that needs to be re-potted so it stands upright. We then went to Dad & Deb's for Mel's birthday, which was nice but as usual kind of a late night. Dad made stuffed peppers, a new thing of his. Eric was there, having come from work. Brandon too, but that's never in doubt. We talked about whatever it is we ever talk about. Books and politics and technology.

The following day, we had tickets to the annual Pasta with the Pastors. It was all right but there was a glitch that day since Mel had had to work for a few hours and ended up going right to five, and when I went to check in on her it made it seem like I was rushing her or giving her attitude or whatever, when I said, "Lose track of time?" I had meant it jocularly but it clearly didn't come off. My bad. We had a frosty moment on the way out the door but eventually got through it as we always do. Pasta was good. Bread was good. We sat with this guy Tony who lives near Mel's parents, and his wife Pilar (who presumably also does.) We won a basket at the raffle, some wine and cups. We like the basket and cups, going to give Mel's parents the wine. Then we went back to Nonna's to have our sweets, and coffee -- although there was no decaf so I had tea. We watched Weakest Link on the over-the-air station. 

I didn't mention it in my last post for whatever reason, but we saw Nonna a few weekends ago too, the day after we took the Christmas lights down, because it was the day they were supposed to say Papa's name at mass. They didn't, and it was very irksome. We went to Mo's for lunch. I had the Philly Steak Sandwich, Mel the Greek Chicken wrap, and then for dinner we switched. Mine was better, or at least it made for a better dinner.

And then next weekend, Mel's birthday continues with lunch at Mandarin.

Days go by. At least they'll be returning to their usual pace. I've got to make something of them. Actually recently I've been compelled to work on some realname writing I have been rolling around in my head since late last year, and it's pretty absorbing, although I have my usual frustrations. With Mel still napping, maybe I can work on tweaking it a bit.

Well, that'll be that. Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XII: The Re-Offender

The wife is snoozing, and so is the pup. I've got some coffee left in the mug and nothing urgent to do. What the heck, I haven't blogged in a while.

There hasn't been a lot to tell, but in the grand scheme of things, is there ever? I've been working, doing my part with this underwriting thing, not having a bad time with it for its own sake. Once I learned it, I got into a good rhythm, learned when to ask questions and retained most of what I knew. It may not be simple but it is easy, once you get the hang of it. I mused, on Tumblr and to Mel, that this is exactly the job I was looking for in my early-mid 20's, my way out of customer service purgatory (servgatory?) As it ended up happening, I got a job, later than that, that was a lot more skill-based and had more upside. Just not quite enough, as we now know.

But I'm doing this today, and it is what it is. I have no complaints that anyone needs to take seriously. I get 18-20 done in a day, which I'm told is good. I don't love having to get up and go to an office but it's not like the office is a very far trip -- okay, the drive across town can feel onerous at times because the other drivers on the road make it their business to fuck with me, but that's life, right? Leaving my house at 8:30 is considerably favorable to leaving it at 7:10 or whatever I was doing at the end.

Obviously this is not a permanent destination for me, but I am getting a little bit stir crazy, partly because I have "my own things" I want to get back to, and partly because I'm often needed at home. I keep thinking about writing I want to do and how I need some time cleared for that. Mel, meanwhile, has been pushed to her brink a few times this week, overburdened on her project, unable to get away from her desk to even have lunch. There was one day that was really bad where she was having a lot of technical difficulties and that put her off and I wished I could be there to help but moreover I wished the situation didn't require help.

I do my level best to set her up for success during the day, keeping the kitchen as clean as I can get it in my limited amount of time and bringing needed things to her desk. One day this week that was not necessarily good as I was taking out the compost and I just plain forgot to close the door behind me. I even recall my thought process, "Okay, I'll take the compost to the garage, then I'll come back and lock the door," and then it plum fell out of my head to go back and close the door, so I left with the door wide open. And she told me, but luckily she was in good spirits that day and kind of laughed it off. Well that's good.

She's going into the office on Tuesdays now, it's an optics thing, a game-playing thing. Honestly, I think she is plenty visible from her home office, having tons of interactions with lots of people but what do I know about playing the game? I'm the biggest washout you ever saw.

For me, my biggest concern is what music to listen to during the day, as I've set up a bunch of playlists, gone a little crazy on it in fact. I've made a ritual of putting on very soothing music to relax to on my drive home, which usually lasts 4 or 5 songs, and then posting about it to my 100 followers in Bluesky. I'm back for at least Monday, and we'll just take it day by day for now, hopefully not much longer. The money may be green but I'm starting to wear a little thin on it. 

Last weekend, the weather was very springlike so we did some cleaning in advance of Mel's parents coming over to help take down the Christmas lights and see Hank. It was a nice little visit and a good excuse to tidy (everything except the kitchen which happened to have three messes stacked on each other.) The Christmas tree is still up today though. Mel is also asking when I will change my phone back over (or at least find out if I can) and you know, this whole job thing came up.

It was nice for a few days, then it dipped back down and even snowed on Friday, boo to that. I left the house and it was clear, then I happen to glance out the window around lunch and the parking lot is covered. Then it turned to rain and slush, so that's hung around.

Yesterday, we had a coffee date at Coffee Culture, got some bagels, talked and read. It was nice, a day just for us. Ran some errands, came home, read some more, Mel napped. We've been listening to this audiobook but I'm not sure we're going to finish it before the library takes it from us and gives it to the next person waiting. Ah well, we had our chance. We had burgers for dinner, but Mel was so hungry from only having had the bagel earlier that we got a Hot n Ready Pizza from Little Caesar's (An early Ides of March treat?) to eat while we watched Singles Inferno.

I guess there's not much else to report, just the flurry of amorphous thoughts in my head, and waiting for the weather to get better. Looks like it's playing jump rope again this week. We'll see.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

XI: Three sips of water

Of days best left forgotten. A lot of times I come to this blog to post a record of things that might slip from my memory in time. Today I come to unpack things that will probably stick with me a long while. Maybe some of it I would forget about in some way or another, somewhere down the road, but for having written it here, but what the hell, this is what SWP is made of.

I guess we can start with last week, because I did end up getting that temp job at mom's office. Someone dropped out and anyway they're apparently still looking for more today so I probably still would have gotten the call.

Mom asked on Wednesday. Since Mel and I had already discussed it, I went ahead and accepted. Thursday Mel was going into the office anyway so we drove in together. I had gotten some instructions the day before and it looked reasonably uncomplicated, but I also learn better with hands on. I spent half the morning sitting with one of the underwriters to watch how it was done, then went back to my desk and the test environment, then went back to watch some more just to be sure I was getting it. The job is basically data entry, taking e-mail requests from the inbox and applying them to the system they use. I did a couple in the afternoon on my own. There are a lot of little nuances and sometimes I get a tricky one and sometimes it's one I shouldn't even have gotten so you've got to keep your eyes open, but I've gotten faster by now and only made a couple of errors, none of which were ruinous.

It's just interesting being back to a version of the real world, a little office where people do their little jobs, quietly. It's very Dunder Mifflin without the antics. Very different from my previous workplace experience, which in fairness I wouldn't expect to ever replicate that environment. I'm taking it relatively seriously but it's not like I have any aspirations to stay on or anything. I just want to get my money and go back home, back to the trajectory I had before, which is admittedly a bit adrift, but I keep telling people (and it's mostly true) I'm working on stuff. Learning.

Thursday, I wasn't sure Mel was going to be able to pick me up, but she got out at a relatively good time and I only had to wait a little bit. Friday I was on my own, and got home in time for workout, although Mel wasn't feeling up to it. The way they work her, sometimes she doesn't really get a chance to have lunch (which is where having me around as support is key -- which is not a failing over hers, just her employer) so she was just eating when I got in a bit after five. We laid her down for a rest while I worked out. 

The real headline news though, came the following day. We were set to go out to Laura and Ryan's new place in St. Catherine's. We brought snacks (spin dip and pumpernickel, as well as chips and party mix that didn't get eaten) and a bit of cake; we had picked up some mochas for the road too. Anyway, I ended up getting on the wrong on ramp, the 403 instead of the QEW, which caused us to have to loop back around, annoying Mel -- it really irks her when I do things behind the wheel that are not conscientious and it's not like those are my proudest moments either. So we were already running late, and wound up getting there around 3:30 instead of 3, which was not unacceptable, and we reconciled quickly.

Anyway, it's a nice place. Great kitchen and all the other rooms are good, and have potential for more. Dinner ended up just being hors d'ouevres (puff pastries and a flatbread) which I thought was a bit silly given we're four adults, but it's not like I'm going to get all outraged or anything. But anyway, that didn't quite put us in the optimal headspace to hear the news that Laura is pregnant. Which is great, obviously, we're thrilled for her, it just so happens that Mel and I are in a place where it's a little hard to hear when people are expecting. You know? Like' it's been so hard for us, such an involved journey, and we know that doesn't mean that other peoples' lives stop or anything. People should do what they want. But we're entitled to our complicated feelings on the matter. "Happy for you, sad for us," as they said when I left my last job. Like it sucks to feel this way, and to feel like you can't voice it without seeming selfish or callous. Because, one more time, we are happy and excited for them, but man, we're having a tough time. What we went through last fall with our would-be surrogate was tough, and now after 2 years we're back at... not quite square one, but square two, sure. 

And there's even been positive indications there. During the week we had a meeting with an agency we liked and are pretty prepared to sign on, we just need them to get the okay from our clinic, which is pretty much academic -- even if this experience has taught me that there's always potential for yet another setback.

So, you know, as much as other peoples' successes are not our failures, it's just a reminder that not only are we not where we want to be after years of this, but it's inherently so much easier for just about everyone else. We didn't even know they were trying -- I was just assuming they planned to be DINKs their whole lives.

Just... fuck, man. We started trying in 2021. We should have a baby by now. We should have a toddler by now. But we don't, for reasons we understand and accept. I've made my peace with it, although I know Mel sometimes feels that guilt in her as if it's her fault.

(Mel's also got a bit of a complex about their house; yes, it's much bigger than ours, and they got it because a relative basically ponied up a down payment they were never going to get on their own whereas Mel worked for ours. But it's in St. Catherine's. I call that a wash.)

So after all that -- and to be fair, Mel was outwardly very positive and accepting and loving, and I have no reason not to believe her -- we played some games, some Mario Party that dominated. I tell you, I was not in a mindset to lose at games that badly, so I was feeling a bit sour, but I put a good face on I think. I'm not always a sore loser, I just hate getting stomped. I did okay. I came in second anyway, which is good.

Then on the way home it was snowing, blowing into our windshield and lightly covering the road and I was just not having it. The way home is relatively straightforward -- find the road that takes you to the QEW -- but I got mixed up on the off-ramp and ended up turning the wrong way, because my reflex is to turn left because we'd be at Brant, but we got off at Plains which is a right turn. Mel, by this point, was feeling a bit faint from being underfed. Once we finally got home we got her some applesauce and tucked her in, and I stayed up with Hank. I recorded SNL which had Connor Storrie on for us to watch later. (Personally, I think the show is in a low period, but Update is pretty good despite the fact that the same two guys have been doing it since I last watched regularly a decade ago.)

I blame my directional challenges on the fact that we were listening to our audiobook. We wanted it, but it clashed with my ability to focus and interpret the instructions I was getting from Google. Probably not the smartest thing, combined with fatigue and the weather. OH WELL. Could have been worse I suppose.

And that's that. Hank is a little hyped up trying to get my attention so I'll sign off quickly, and anyway it's about time to make dinner.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto