#22: Untitled Ballad of a Dying Man (Or, Astral Planes)

Why all the hate?

Everyone hates each other... or is pretending to. Our merry little lunchtime band has been clearly split in two, and it's so awful. These people! I'm thinking of just washing my hands of the whole thing, but I've never been one to stand idly by and watch others destroy themselves. There's just way too much animosity out there. I don't even know what's causing it. And I don't care. I just think that maybe everyone should take a step back, and reassess exactly how out-of-whack everything is. Because from where I'm standing? It's extremely out of whack.

I mean, seriously. Some of us have our own lives to be bitching about... I don't have enough space on this blog to go about trying to initiate healings left and right. I have psychological flaws to overanalyze, and idiosynchrisies to examine.

What is this life I lead? I'm a wanderer by nature. This I know. This is why I haven't had a traditional "best friend" in years. Why I tend to not hang out with the same groups year to year. Why I work on things in secret that don't have anything to do with anything. Because I wander about in this life. Everybody has someone. Josh and Kyle have each other. Angela and Jess. Ryan and Doug. Everyone and their best friends. All the boys have girlfriends, the girls have boyfriends. I have casual acquaintences and platonic females. I know a lot of people. A lot of people know me. Friends? Sure, some of them, but still... a lonely wanderer through this life.

Yeah, I'm feelin' really down on myself today. Any reason? No. None whatsoever. In fact, things are good. I'm just down. A while back, in Hospitality, I was talking to Mrs. D about Reach, and Mike T, he walks be and overhears, and he mishears, and he asks "Rach? Who's Rachel?" And I had to explain to him what I really said, all the while thinking "Damn, now I'm reminded that I don't have anyone, whether named Rachel or not." It was a weird moment.

I dunno, man.

I've spent a lot of this life alone. I've never liked the feeling. I'm just trying to deal with it in my own way... which apparently includes bitching about it in this Blog (which, by the way, you can post on Anonymously... just click "Post Anonymously" when it asks for a "Username.") I'm not an unhappy person. Just an uncomfortable person. It's important to know the diference between the variety of ways you can be negatively afflicted - too many kids these days are oh so melodramatic, and I like to keep my ramblings in context.

Hey, man. That's life.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott

#21: Colloquialism (Or, Double-Pearled Hampton Home)

Well!

What a nice night. See, I just got back from my very first Improv exhibition. Well, I didn't just get back, I mean... I've been back for a while. And as soon as I'm done writing this, I'll have been back for even longer. The fact of it is that I was... well, reluctant to go. See, I was actually told to go by my cohorts in Improv. Told I was going. Well, perhaps a tad rude or curt, but still... a fun time was had by all. Except by now, I can't even focus on what a great night I had because dumbass Eric had to go and ruin it by not bothering to explain what he knew to mom, and thus causing her to worry because she is insane. And then we argued for like 10 minutes and I haaaaaattteee arguing with Eric. It's completely futile because despite what he may think he is so aversed to logic that it's frightening. I don't wanna get into it. I wanna go back into my own world of reliving this great Improv night.

I was at first quite intimidated by the whole thing of it. It was such a grand theatre, a spectacle of a place really. With balconies and projection lights and a really nice stage and presenium arch. And there were so many schools there, so many of whom were clearly more acquainted with the concept of Improv than I. I mean, since I've only been in for like a week and a half. So we saw some really good presentations; particularly one where they had 4 people talking on alternate words, you know, that old schtick. Well done. Well, after that, there was a brief intermission, and a quick (ultra-quick) stop the the washroom, and then we were on. Well, actually not quite. We were the last one to present our first bit, the "Character" presentation, which was the traditional Blind Date bit, which went over huge. Apparently, I have more command over an audience than I thought, as often I would say something quite not funny, such as "The Hamptons," which elicited a great laugh. I was noticing that the audience would often be restrained, but when a group could get 'em going, they could get 'em going, and brother... I think we got 'em going.

Unfortunately, Doug is probably beating himself up right now, because of what happened to our "Life" segment, the "pivotal moment." We've practised with such maudlin moments as "teen pregnancy" and "moving away." What did we get? "First Punk Rock Show." Oy! Well, I was conscripted into being a Punk Singer for the presentation, which required me to just sort of wail out a muddled mix of "Anarchy in the U.K." and "I'm So Bored With the U.S.A." (got quite a reaction but killed my voice.) Doug was upset, because the sincerity was not as great as it could have been. Well? The fault there really lies in the selection of scenario. I feel that we did very well for what we had. I guess Doug will see in the e-mail they send him.

Well, listen. It was a fun day. Regardless if we were not "sincere" enough (and trust me, the level of sincerity was quite great,) we did very well, and we got uber-reactions from the crowd, which is what I'm always looking out for. I feel that our team has such a commanding presence onstage (most likely because of the fact that we are small and therefore the talent is more concentrated,) that we are very memorable. Alyssa is always good in the Blind Date sketches, and Doug, man... he's just gotta be less hard on himself.

So it felt good to be up in front of people, entertaining. I love doing that! Put me in a crowd and I'm such an awkward nebbish, but when I'm on stage, I'm your man. I think. I love the reactions! They make me so happy, when I say something as odd as "Double-Pearled" and everyone busts out laughing... nothin' better, man.

School itself was alright, if uneventful. That's why the whole blog has been about the Improv thing... because School was uneventful and Improv was fun.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott

#21: Shakin' All Over (Or, Your First Step into a Larger World)

Abbudsujufudah.

Man. I'm not upset today, I'm actually okay. Just worn, y'know? It happens every day I go grocery shopping. We went to Price Choppers, which is a place I detest almost as much as no Frills, and for different reasons. No Frills, despite the name, I consider to be quite garish, and overpopulated. Price Choppers, by contrast, is so out of the way, so sparesely visited, and is poorly decordated - the floor is friggin' concrete for god's sake! The walls, the floor, the roof, all coloured grey, it's so dim. To contrast this, the colour Orange is used to highlight prices and displays. This gives the feeling of grocery shopping at a Home Depot. And yet, Eric prefers this place to Basics? Bah! Unthinkable. But, no matter where you go, Grocery Shopping is a soul crushing experience.

So I didn't do anything today. Actually, I did indulge in my favourite Sunday activity - watching movies on TV. Today, TBS was playing Back to the Future parts II and III, as well as the underrated Tim Allen comedy Galaxy Quest. And Fox has (unwisely, actually,) replaced its Sunday Lineup with the half-decent Animated adventure, Ice Age, probably in honour of Thanksgiving.

I'm just tryin' to think. Think about what I am. Who I am. Where I belong. It's plainly obvious that I don't really fit in at school; I know a lot of people, but how many of them would consider me friends? When did I become this outcast? How long has this been so? Years, I think. Don't wanna be melodramatic, but sometimes I can just get so down. What kind of life do I have? This isolation. Pheh.

Abbudsujufudah.

Keep on Rockin'
Scotto

#20: This (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb)

Good Mornin'.

And don't let the fact that it's 6:30 at night discourage you from saying "Good Mornin'" if you please. I think anybody out there should be allowed to say Good Mornin' anytime they like. And in fact, there's a chance somebody, somewhere, is reading this at some early hour. So good mornin' to you if that is the case. The rest of you... hello.

after reviewing some of my more recent ramblings, I figured I'd try and write a more upbeat entry today. I mean, I do tire of being so maudlin all the time. It's not really the persona I put out to the public, so why should I always be so different on the Internet? Fuck it, man. I'm feelin' all right, thanks for asking.

The way I see it, you can either let your situation dictate your emotions, or take control and dictate them yourself. Usually I'm all for the former but today I'm trying the latter. And it's working. What happened today that was good? Nothing much, but still, just by saying "I feel all right," it helps. I bowled a pretty good comeback, courtesy of a well-timed Turkey (3 strikes consecutively, for those not in the know.) I didn't have to go grocery shopping today. didn't have to cook. Watched a really bad movie (Wild Wild West.) Sat around, and felt good in my existence. Went for a nice long walk. you know? It's the little things. If you can enjoy the little things, you can just feel good, man. Big things are surprisingly easy to disregard when the little things fall into place. Know what I'm sayin? It was a nice day, which could be rare this late in the month/season. Enjoy life, man.

And keep on rockin'
Friendly Neighborhood Williams

#19: Vertigo (Or, Take Me Away From All This)

Story time, kids.

Today was a Reach Tournement. I don't even wanna talk about it after the day I've had. I mean, we did well and all, that's not it. It's, well, there's this girl. She goes to Bateman. Leanne. It's been the same way for years. Between games, we chill, talk. When WOSS faces Bateman, we make eyes at each other while I single-handedly dismantle her school's team, and she watches on, because she wasn't playing. It's the same old story. Women. Women! Pheh! What I need right now is not a random flirtation with a girl from Burlington who I won't see again until February. I don't know what I need. Fuck man, I don't know anything. I hate stupid fuckin' emotions.

So I was zoned out after that. Went to the Christmas Assembly meeting, probably gonna write a bunch of stuff for that... took a photo for Improv and did a few exercises for that, but I was kinda out of it. Cannot get a grip on myself today. It's Friday, too, so I just know I'm gonna be in a funk all weekend. I'm just so... urrgh. So urrgh all the time now. Can't even verbalize this strange emotion. I hate it! Hate hate hate hate hate!

Urrrgh! Keep on rockin'
...Scott

#18: Think About It (Or, Coney Island White Fish Boy)

Hey Kids! It's everybody's favourite Idiot ManChild here for more ramblings which nobody will ever read, as far as I know. I'd appreciate it if anyone out there reading this would maybe leave a message once in a while, even Anonymously. As long as you state your name at the bottom or something, it's cool. doesn't even have to be this entry, any other one.

Now that that's outta the way...

It seems like I only have time to write blogs when there's nothing going on (*obvious statement.) I'll find myself writing about "yesterday," that is, the day before whatever day had just happened. Like today. and by today, I mean yesterday. you'll see what I mean when I start a new paragraph.

Yesterday was kinda a big day, dramatically. I did my "duologue" presentation of Mitch & Blanche, and got some really positive feedback from it. Apparently, slipping in and out of (and between) two characters is something I appear to do well. That's nice to know. See, i just like to do things where after people will stop me and be like "Hey, that was good" (or better yet, "awesome.")

The other Dramatic thing from yesterday was my Fringe audition. This is kinda a weird one to think about. I've never thought of myself as an actor, and so auditioning is weird for me. It goes back to my original Fringe audition, the awkward experience I fondly recall as the inspiration for what became "Half-Past Eight PM." Then there was the Grade 11 Audition unit, (see early episodes of this blog.) Apparently, I did well on that, as it prompted Ana to give me a little positive feedback earlier today before CommTech, which put me in a good mood for the rest of today. Personally, I think Alyssa did a really good job with her audition. So do the directors, apparently. She's in high demand, and rightfully so, because she's a very good actress. But hey, all the auditions I saw that weren't mine (which was only a few, including Alyssa,) were good. Last year, nobody who auditioned bothered to memorize, and so reading off the sheet became the "thing." It was actually kinda hard to watch. I made sure to leave my sheet at home that day. I didn't wanna fall into that trap, the trap that helped ruin my Grade 10 audition (in addition to doing it badly.)

Like I said, I don't fancy myself an actor. This is mostly because I am prone to terriffic stage fright of the strangest kind. Oh, it disappears as soon as I step onstage, and is replaced by a feeling of tremendous confidence... but before a performance I'm so nervous and afraid it's insane. I wonder who'll cast me? The reason though, that I decided to audition, is that fundamentally I needed something to get me outta the house. That's what I'm looking for these days... I spend a lot of time here at home, with Eric. I want to cut down on that. Short of getting a job, extracurricular activities is the best way to do it. It's relatively painless and I know msot of the people, and so this becomes my life.

Mandatory emotional content: If I was the type to have feelings, who would I have them for? Do I even know any single girls anymore? Hey, do I even know any single people anymore?

Keep on Rockin'
Scott

#17: Reality (Or, have someone explain it to you)

I'm feeling in a very simple mood right now, so this may prove to be a very simple blog entry.

When I woke up, I felt that today would be a good day, because Q107 was playing "Hey Jude," which put me in a good mood early in the day, which lasted most of the day, right into lunch, which we'll get to later.

Went to school today. It proved unproductive. I mean, I didn't really do anything, it was just run-of-the-mill stuff.

At lunch, I procured for Kyle a book of Beatles lyrics for his Writer's Craft. The crew had me belt out such songs as "Back in the USSR" and "I am the Walrus" for their enjoyment. My throat has become tired as a result.

I went to Improv today. We did some "Blind Date" scenes where I played the waiter, who was supposed to reflect whatever character traits Alyssa had as the date ("Overemotional" first, and then "Cowardly,") and got some good remarks.

No big philosophical thoughts today. I should've been on yesterday for that, but Eric was too busy hogging the computer for that. I'm just very consumed in my own thoughts after something Steph said to me yesterday. Thoughts which I won't go into on this blog, because you never know who might be listening.

Hey, Jess & Angela. Sorry you haven't gotten much print in the blog these days. Maybe you should think of new ways to make life awkward, eh? I think China's starting to lose its potency.

Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#16: Weekender (Or, Got the Life)

Aujourd'hui, c'est Dimanche. For non-French-speakers like myself, that must mean that today is Sunday.

When I was a kid, I loved the weekend. And Sunday meant that it was time for family, such as my Aunts and later after she moved out, Grandma, to come over for a big family dinner. In later years, Sunday began to pale in comparison to Saturday. There were no cartoons, no bowling, nothing to do on Sunday. But recently I've begun to appreciate Sunday more than I used to. A good Sunday can really cheer me up.

What bothers me about Saturdays is that I don't get to sleep in like everyone else - I have to wake up at the usual time, and go bowling... sure, that's fun, but I'm usually in kind of a tired stupor for the rest of the day. And that's bad since I like to stay up and watch SNL. Well, on Sunday, I get to sleep in until I'm well-rested. Even Grocery shopping, which I loathe, seems more harmless on a sunday. TV Networks usually take it on themselves to exploit their movie catalogues on a sunday, so sometimes you get to watch a real hidden gem. The first time I ever saw that beautiful movie "Being There" was on a Sunday. Today, we watched Kids in the Hall's "Brain Candy." "Back In..." is on MuchMoreMusic, perhaps the most entertaining original show on that network (today it was "Back in '89.") We get a good meal without having to cook thanks to Mom's almost outdated notion of family dinner night. At in the evening, once Fox has dispensed with their stupid Football, we get new episodes of the Simpsons and Arrested Development. Poor King of the Hill was saddled with the unfortunate 7:00 timeslot once occupied by Futurama... virtually a kiss of death since it will never be seen again until after the Superbowl.

But Sunday, particularly today, has a way of really putting me in high spirits before the soul-crushing week begins. Haha, I kid of course.

I had an epiphany about how we could circumvent some of our continuity issues, without going back to that muthafuckin' office. I think it'll be beneficial to the production. This is "Maim" talk right now.

Keep on Rockin'
-Scooter... I mean, uh, Scott.

#15 Night of the Hunter (Or, Hey, Hey, Hey.)

I haven't got anything to say right now. Nothing interesting, anyway. I'm resisting the urge to follow that with "When do I ever have anything interesting to say?" but I don't think my particular brand of self-deprecation is what's needed right now.

I just feel like... not myself. On Saturdays, when I'm removed from society and kept at home, or heavens forbid made to do grocery shopping (not today,) I don't feel like anything, usually. I just feel like a guy without anybody or anything. Needless to say, I don't like much that feeling.

I went to the mall, and sat outside Shopper's Drug Mart. there was this lady, an old lady, trying to get in. The thing about Shopper's is that they have these exits which open outward, and have a symbol on them that imply that they are only for exiting. And also, there's a sign right there that says "Exit only." But she walks up and tries to push it open anway, to no avail. She reassesses the situation, and pulls the door outward so that she can enter through the exit, plainly oblivious that what she was doing was wrong. Some people!

I have my own Shopper's Drug Mart exit story, which is less interesting. See, back when there were only a few horizontal metal bars blocking the interior from the exterior - not a proper wall like today - I used to go in, browse, not buy anything in particular, and then leave by stepping through the bars. Well, I only did this a couple times before my cousin and I were stopped by a security guard who obviously thought we'd shoplifted and were making a hasty getaway. Well, a very plain misunderstanding, and we went back to Shopper's, exited properly, and proved that we were no theives. So, I never did that again. the next guard might not be so forgiving.

That's my song for today. Updated Interneta, if there's anyone out there interested (there's not.) Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#14: Children of Schoolparent

Had a nice day at aschool today. Kinda.

I go every day to Commtech, more or less fresh outta the shower, expecting nothing more than to have a nice day. And trying really hard to do so. Usually my attempts and hopes are dashed by the end of Drama, just because the reality of the day has set in.

In Food School, there was some turbulence today. This guy orders a poutine, but then wants it changed to a small fry - impossible. I'm not serving, but the girl who was didn't know how to handle the situation, and so I was brought in from the back to try and deal with it. The guy and I, we had some words, and he insisted on copping an attitude, so I copped one right back. The result was an unpleasant confrontation that ended less than pleasantly.

But all in all it was not an unpleasant day. It was pretty nice, satisfactory really. I can't say it's been good, but at least it hasn't been... unbearable lately. I mean, there are worse things.

I had trouble sleeping last night. Tossing and turning. Then at about 4, I realized I forgot to put the video game rental that had to go back where my mom could see it. So luckily I went into Brandon's room, took it, and put it where she would. How fortunate that I couldn't sleep. I slept better after that.

Not doing so bad. I hope for better in the future. Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#13: Gonna be all right (Or, cheers for tears)

I'm not on my own computer, so this is a quick entry.

Just got back from my first visit to Improv... although a lot of people were apparently missing, it was fun, as I gave a sincere - but apparently still funny - 30-second monologue about passing kidney stones. I think it is memorable.

Also, got my Grad Photos done - a relatively painless procedure featuring a very nice photographer today.

I think I'll leave blog readers off for today with tha very nice and amicable impression. And you can look up amicable in the dictionary if you'd like, to really get my meaning on that.

I'm feelin pretty good right now anyway. Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#12: The air near my fingers (Or, Things big and small)

I've got my mind trained on things both big and small today. And I'm feeling at once depressed and optimistic and content and maladroit, and it's all very confusing. If I was to say I was happy, I'd be lying. If I said the opposite, I'd be mistaken. I don't know how to feel.

I had a fun day. Not because of anything we did in class - those were all boring. But mostly because at lunch, Josh had his car and we all went out for Taco Bell. Then we went for a nice drive, and on the way back, some joker, raking his lawn, thought he'd be funny by pretending to rake the car. So we came around the corner, back up his street, and Kyle mooned him while I yelled "Fuck you, douchebag!" in a cracked, upper-registered yowl.

I'm still pretty upset, but at least I'm not ranting and raving like I was yesterday. I'd like to take back a lot of the mean things I said about Mrs. R. yesterday. I mean, I still don't care for her methods, but I was in the Caf today and I was just thinking "Man, she didn't deserve all that shit I said about her." So I'm officially taking it back.

Report cards were given out on Monday. I'm doing very well. Commtech is 89 and that's the highest mark in the class. Drama is 81 and that's the course median. Hospitality is 94 and I'm pretty sure that's the highest in the class - at least at South. The course median in that is in the neighborhood of 54. I'm proud of myself.

I was thinking... does anybody in the whole, entire world really get me? I don't know that they do. there are plenty of people who know me, and know enough about what I'm like to formulate an opinion, and maybe interpolate some of my mpersonality... but is there any way anybody out there can really get me? There are a lot of people in the world I feel like I get, but maybe I don't. So maybe some people think they get me, but they don't. I don't think they do. I don't know if Josh & Kyle get me. I don't know if anyone who worked on Earnest got me. I don't know if any of my teachers have ever gotten me. I certainly don't think any girls have ever gotten me. My parents? I don't think so. People get parts of me - but I think I'm the most insufferably complicated person I've ever met - if indeed I can be said to have ever met myself. I just sense that I'm different in that aspect from say, Josh & Kyle. Everybody gets Joish & Kyle after knowing them for a certain amount of time. That's why they're so beloved. But I think everybody sees me differently, and certainly differently from how I see myself.

The only man on the face of the Earth who I ever considered my contemporary moved to San Fransisco 3 and a half years ago.

I think this lack of people "getting me" may be the fundamental cause to my general difficulties in getting through society. And this profound thought - or attempt at a profound thought - constitutes the "big" on my mind. It segue's nicely into the small. The small being the less profound facts of my own daily life.

And since this is my blog, I have a perfect right to express my feelings on that subject, repeatedly, ad nauseum, until such a time as I feel like stopping. And since I don't feel like going over it today, I guess I'll stop now.

Because sometimes I get self-conscious about my bitching, and I feel like it may appear... unpleasant, unattractive, unappealing to an objective viewer. And that might very well be the ultimate cause of my unhappiness.

Wouldn't that be a bitch? Yes, quite a catch-22. that's why I don't talk about it in public. Save it for the blog.

Keep on rockin'
(Scotto)

#11: Roll the dice (Or, One bad turn....)

I came to the conclusion today that I'm a pretty angry guy, deep down. I mean, I normally play it pretty mellow, but when I get mad, it's often in an instant and quite violently. And sometimes I'll just wander around all day in a bad mood afterward. But usually that doesn't happen, unless I am subject to repeated rebuffings, as I was today. They have to come in pretty rapid succession to really break me, but when they do, I'm ready to explode. I'm not going to go over all the anger-inducing stuff in detail, but suffice it to say, I was in a pretty bad mood, on two unrelated occasions today.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't like being told to hurry up. I realize that a lot of people deserve to be told that, but I feel like I keep a pretty good pace. I know my shit and when I don't, I'm willing to recognize it, but most of the time I've got a good enough handle on things to realize when I'm behind, and usually am taking the neccessary steps to rectify it. Fundamentally, I'm mad at Mrs. R, the lady who pseudo-works in the Servery, for violating this personal trust in me.

Rare is the occasion when I actually hate a teacher or school staffmember. I find that most of them are reasonable people. Some of them, like Irvine or Mendes, are just incompetant and intolerable. I don't know what Mrs. R's problem is. I've noticed, however, that she has a pattern of behaviour, that is basically a problem with her personality. She's a bossy control freak-type. What it boils down to is that she prefers to remind people that she's in charge, even when you know better than she does. Personally, I'd prefer it if she minded her own fuckin' business and didn't stick her nose in the goddamn kitchen. Hopefully, she'll never read this. With my luck, she will, somehow. That doesn't even make sense.

Note that this is not to be confused with Mrs. D. Mrs. D, or "Alicia" to some, is the nicest lady and has been nothing but forgiving and helpful to me. She's tough when she has to be, but doesn't go lookin' for people to bitch at, like Mrs. R. She prefers to keep things civil. Personally, I'd prefer it if Mr. Zehr were still running the South side, but the administration figure dotherwise. Well, they're stupid. What are ya gonna do, eh?

Angry and frustrated. Like I said, it's just a lot of things that happened in a cluster that started pissing me off. Usually I can let a single, isolated incident slide but I can't take the rapid succession.

I've been thinking a lot about something kyle said, that I jsut don't get. Yesrtday at lunch, we were discussing Scotland, and basically, why would anyone ever go there? And I said "Hey, if I had some chick in Scotland waiting for me to do her, I'd hop on a plane lickety-split" (not actual quote.) Well the conversation continued for a brief time about my sexual inadequacy, before Kyle said something that didn't make sense, and that wasn't even elaborated upon. He insinuated that there were plenty of girls out there who would... you know. And he didn't say it like someone might say "there are plenty o' fish in the sea." It was like there were names. And I'm tempted to believe him, but I sincerely doubt it. It's been gnawing at my brain for a couple days, starting to really bug me, wondering what he meant by that. I don't have the kind of brain that could just brush that type of thing off.

Oh, I haven't mentioned Jess or Angela in this blog post. So I will now - nothing much has been happenin' lately with those two. Josh, Kyle and I - with Hilary as our driver - did happen to "ditch them" to go to McDonald's today at lunch. I had a happy meal. And then for Dinner I had essentually the same thing, minus the toy and watery drink. hm, perhaps my agitation has to0 do with the excess of artery-clogging McDonald's-grade beef in my lungs. This happy meal after today's "Ham Fun Kit" lunch I had packed. They might not be filling, but at least they give a steady foundation of food on which to base your day.

Been writing songs, although I don't think I'm at my height of inspiration these days. I find I write better songs when I've got someone to write about, and I haven't had that in years.

My morale is pretty low these days. I don't know if it's been getting lower, or the passage of time is just starting to get to me, but you know; just... fuck.

Fuck.

That's all I get.

Fucked.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott F'N Williams

#10: South Station Blues

Well oh well, my oh my. What a day.

Today was the dreaded day of shooting at Josh's dad's office. Tough stuff, but you know, he was far more cordial about it than Josh would've had me believe. It was pretty grueling, probably the most awful shoot we've done. Still, as hectic as it happened to be, it's over with and I don't wanna spend too much time reminiscing about it. I jsut want to forget I was ever at Winners/HomeSense HQ today.

As predicted, I missed Farce X-Mas. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy, that. I said I would, promised I wouldn't, and did anyway. That's circumstance for you. I felt bad about missing a family function, but let me put it in perspective - when Jess, Josh & Co asked exactly what this fake Christmas was, I couldn't explain it. I couldn't explain the idea behind it, what it meant, how it was done, or what purpose it served. I mutted a few jumbled sentences and repeated "I don't know, it's just stupid, it's so stupid." I don't mean to ridicule my family's crazy new tradition, but it's so fundamentally flawed that I can't help it. I still would've liked to see my family, however. Everyone's so busy with their babies, we hardly ever get together anymore. And when we do, there are babies all around hogging all of the attention. Me? Jealous of a baby? Yeah, I am that shallow. Wanna make somethin' of it?

My mother would have me believe that my family is disappointed in me, but I know that's not true, she's just crazy, or a liar, or both. I suspect she's gaining a pathological lying streak, if indeed she didn't have one already. She'll say things, and I'll think "Mom, that's not even remotely true." Except it's not pathological, since she's doing it to serve her own purpose. It's what she does. I have a weird mother. A lot of people have mothers who are weird in a normal way, but my mom is inexplicable. There's no accounting for her behavior. I'm learning how to deal with it these days. I know she was unhappy that I missed the function, but I don't care. There'll be others. All she was missing was me sitting in a corner with cousin Kris, discussing comics, wrestling, and how ridiculous the whole concept was. Not necessarily in that order. Not that I would've minded that - I wish I could see Kris more often, since he moved back to Palmerston. I jsut don't think that can really take priority over finishing the principal photography of my project. Did I mention that I'm doing exceedingly well in that class?

On the way home from the office, Josh put on some of Dane Cook's standup. It's really funny, but I have to complaints - one, that Josh was relentlessly jumping around looking for the "better" material (when I would rather have just let it play through,) and two, that I now realize that so much of his conversation is cribbed from Dane that it's not even funny. And I mean just that - it's not, because he uses them as legitimate conversational points, which is against the whole point. Most notably, the bit about how you can't argue with someone after he says "Fuck you," but there are others.

I was talking to Ana today about the Fringe, and I got nostolgic, wishing I'd had something to offer to this year's festival. Still though, they say "you can never go back again," and I'll take their word for it, since there are more of them than of me. I think it's a better thing to have had all the spotlight last year and to just walk away, instead of greedily seeking more.

I don't know how I feel right now. A little tired. Not extremely depressed. This may be the most moderate I've felt in weeks.

Keep on Rockin'
@Scott.net

#9: Listen to the music playing in your head.

How can I keep going on like this? This is not a real existence I lead. It's a façade. What purpose am I serving right now? What use is it? I want to write. Sadly, when I sit down and try to write, this is all that comes out; a blog entry. And it's the same as oh so many previous entries.

Today, in Communications, we started editing all these great scenes we shot with Jess on Thursday. The capturing alone, my God... how we loathe captioning, Josh and I. It really is a loathesome process. But it's the only possible way to get to editing, which we love. I was late getting to class, so I was the last one Mr. Andrews allowed to hear their mark. Because I know at least one person from class reads this (Jess...) I won't embarass them with my stupendously high mark. It's based purely on the fact that I seem to be on schedule (despite the numerous reschedulings and catastrophies that have plagued the production of Maim in Vain,) and that I've at least attempted to do my weekly log each week (having been prevented by the lack of ink in the printer for 3 weeks - I got them out today.) Josh would have the same mark, but he hasn't been keeping up to date in his logs. Tsk, tsk. He said basically that the only thing that could hurt my mark would be if the movie turned out to be bad - which I have to say, seems unlikely. Okay, so there's a chance I'll be dissatisfied with the final product. Let me tell ya somethin'; "Maim" in Vain, for better or worse, is unlike any video he's likely ever to have seen. Particularly in this class. And I am of the belief that originality is a fine substitute for extreme quality. I'm sure he gets at least one entry per year that regards crime and killing and intrigue. But oh so precious few of them would dare attack the subject with the same zeal as "Maim." The plot intrigue, the character depth, I think they're unprecedented. The execution, well, we're doing our best. We're trying to keep strict quality control, but it is rather hard from this end of things. But let me tell ya somethin' else; He has deemed "Of The Right Perspective" worthy of being shown as an example. The video we're shooting is on par or greater than that. The angles involved in that video were disorienting, and the background noise often excessive. Plus, we have another edge: we're making fiction. We're not creating a teenage story, replacing fake names for our own. We're crafting characters and situations unrelated to our own lives. We're producing cinema. We're reaching out to something beyond what people normally do in CommTech. Or maybe I'm full of shit. I just know that "Maim" will be such a break from the ordinary, and that'll have a great impact on its perception.

In fact, I think I'm gonna add a "Maim in Vain" section to Interneta tonight.

In Drama, Alyssa and I finally did our Set Design presentation. The entire audience was in awe of Alyssa's awesome miniature designs. She complained afterward that nobody asked us any difficult questions. The only question we got was from Emma, regarding the lack of a curtain, which I thwarted with a little talk of the "imaginary separation" created by the two levels, which will enhance the suspension of disbelief, as well as be less obstructed. And nobody, even Jeff or Cary, dared question us again. I joked to her afterward, "Well I guess that just proves it - our stage design was perfect." It was actually a thing of beauty, and I wish that the Camera was working so that I'd be able to actually see it.

After school, Josh and I schlepped our crew back to Josh's for some "quick" shooting. And by "quick" I actually mean "very much delayed." First, we started by taking a long time to dick around without really getting down to business. It was more than a half hour before we started shooting. It was myself and Josh, of course, as well as Jeff Allsop as Damien, Jon Tyrrell as Craig, and Ryan Wheeler as Rex. Jeff actually took a lot of charge - he'd make a good director. Well, an efficient, if somewhat erratic one, at any rate. He has a good eye for continuity and a good sense of things. It was a good shooting day, I'd say, and in fact I don't know if a more enjoyable group of people was ever assembled for the purposes of shooting a commtech video. Especially since the group was rounded out by Kyle, acting his part as Asst. DP. After the shooting was done, Jeff had to run, and Ryan eventually left, and then Jon, Josh, Kyle and I hung out for a while playing GTA: San Andreas until Josh could get us a ride home.

We only have one more official day of shooting left - this Sunday at Josh's Dad's office. There is going to have to be a minimum of dicking around, since Mr. Kershaw wants to be very quick about the whole ordeal. We should grant him that, too, since he's being so cool about the whole "letting us shoot in his office" thing. Plus, Mom's putting a lot of pressure on me to make an appearance at farce xmas.

After talking about that, I'm in a good mood. Keep on Rockin'
~Scott

#8: Not enough to show I care

My dissatisfaction grows.

I dunno what it is. I like school, I like the people at school. It's my home life that I'm dissatisfied with. I can't stand being in such close quarters with Eric. He's really starting to irk me. Every time he gets mad at me, (because he's a contentious motherfucker who can't live with anything that makes him the slightest big uneasy,) it pisses me off. This is not what normal people do! Eric is not normal people, far from it!

Yesterday, Jess played a mean joke on me, by telling me she was unavailable to shoot ever again. It was mean and hurtful. We did, however, do plenty of shooting yesterday. In fact, we finished off Act II and now we only have three scenes left to shoot. Whoo.

I find myself unable to really draw out long paragraphs right now, as I used to be able to. I'm in such a dry period. I feel nothing. It's kind of the time of night where I tend to be bored, since there's nothing on TV... and I've already done everything interesting I can think of, so I'm just waiting for time to go to sleep. What a terrible existence.

I added two new songs to Interneta. Neither of which I'm particularly fond of, though.

Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#7: Take my body home...

I'm sad.

I have absolutely no idea why, but all of a sudden this immense feeling of sadness washed over me, and I thought at that point that I should update my blog again. After I finished my part of the Drama project, I got worried because I haven't been able to reach Alyssa to confirm what's what in this project... and then I tried to busy my mind and get my mind off it, but that just led to the realization that I am a man with nothing.

I have no girl. No job. No prospects. No future. Nothing to occupy my time. Now that the play's over with and I'm between issues of Sewerman, I'm a man without anything to do; I go home after school, and I sit and just be, alone. Well, not too alone, Eric's always around. My movie project is alienating me from my family -- one of the last big shooting days happens to fall on a huge day of family gathering. But it's such a stupid concept in family gathering that I don't really mind. Except that during the last one - for Eric's birthday - I was at a Tech run for the play. It all comes full circle.

What do I have? Reviews to write - a position I grow more dissatisfied with weekly - a movie to make, and a budding addiction to over-the-counter generic acetaminophen - extra strength - to cope with my crippling back pain.

I don't have any satisfaction right no. In fact, if I was the type to make references to Rock n Roll songs of the 60's (and I am,) I might indeed say that I "can't get no satisfaction." I'm uncomfortable. I need somethin'. Damnit, I already wrote that song. Look for it on Interneta; it's there.

Tomorrow will be another school day. I'll go, I'll do some work on my movie (sorta) make and/or serve fries & burgers, and I'll do my presentation. I'll have an amusing time at lunch, fending off awkward situations hurled at me by Angela & Jess, someone will probably say something really funny/stupid, it'll probably be a pretty nice day... and then I'll come home and just be nothing. There's gotta be more to it than this.

Keep on Rockin' if you're out there
I'm Scott Williams. Goodnight.

#6: Handin' out the boxes.

I've been poppin' acetaminophen all week, ever since Sunday. My back's been aching but it's dull, thanks to the pain-dulling properties of acetaminophen. I'm actually quite swamped with work, with several scheduling attempts at shooting the remaining scenes in our movie, and a drama project due tomorrow that I should be working on.

So I don't actually have a lot to talk about today. I'm just pretty bored and pretty low, but I'm okay. I don't actually feel like telling you what Angela and Jess asked me today to try and make me feel awkward, but suffice it to say I cleverly managed to reverse them on it. It was funny.

Keep on Rockin'
:::Scott

#5: No time for pain

What a busy fuckin' weekend!

What a week.

What a lifetime.

No, yeah, just this week. Sorry.

And so, we did our final show of "Earnest" last night. I'm still buzzing. It's gonna be hard to get out of that world. And by "that world," I don't mean the world Oscar Wilde paints with his witty tale of deception and romance. I mean the world Rosser created by having us stay until 7 every night for rehearsal, and after 10 every show. Let me bring you up to speed, though.

I already told you about Thursday's show. Friday's was different. It was huge. The audience was diggin' it, laughing at every available opportunity. I caught the book. The energy was just unbelievable. Unfortunately, there was a huge mishap. I made the mistake of drinking some ominous-tasting iced tea backstage, which was in the metal decanter. And I basically got poisoned. After the show, I rushed outside and threw up in a well-placed pile of leaves. Good thing it's autumn. About time that good-for-nothing season started pulling its weight. I went home that night feeling so ill, I wondered if I might die in my sleep that night.

Well, I clearly didn't. I got up, went bowling, got comics, and went to the call for the matinee show. That was at 2. It wasn't as successful as the night before. I think, because it was in the middle of a Saturday afternoon and really, who wants to go see a play on a Saturday afternoon? There was, actually, a critic there from the Oakville Today newspaper, who seemed to enjoy the show thoroughly. In particular, he seems to have enjoyed Lady Bracknell, which gave Emma a much-needed shot in the arm. I caught the book again. We celebrated. I talked to Angela & Jess after, and they whined about how I wasn't writing about them in my blog these days. Well, here you go, girls. Are you happy?

Alyssa, Ryan, Becky, Alex, Doug and I went out to the mall for late-lunch-early-supper (or as someone called it, "Tea.") That's a fun bunch of people to be hanging out with. Then we came back and watched Gremlins in preparation for the next show that night. Our last. It was a very emotional Circle-time where everyone said nice things about everyone else. I got a little choked up while delivering my spiel. I was complimenting Doug, and I seguéd into a thing about how I was glad just to be a butler to such a fine group of folks, and I admit I got a little misty-eyed. But I didn't cry. I'm a man, dammit.

And we went out, and we had a hell of a show. I caught the book one last time, effectively going 4 for 4. This time, it seriously looked like it was going to hit Vanessa's head, but like a professional, she didn't flinch. At the curtain call, Doug and I went up and did our bow, and then someone fucked up and the lights went out, but that was quickly fixed.

Then we got back to the drama room, and found something waiting for us. A display of posters and programs, each enscrawled with a personal message to each member of the cast and crew. With the posters and programs were pink roses and Lindor chocolates. It was so nice I was angry. So I spent the better part of the next day writing a long, sappy letter of appreciation to Rosser.

We all trekked over to Cary's for the cast party. A bunch of his friends were there, too. It wasn't really a "party," more like a reception. Nobody was falling-on-the-floor drunk I am glad (or sad?) to say. It was mostly just all of us sitting around Cary's basement, some drinking, watching SNL's Best of Tom Hanks. At one point, after Janessa left and Doug and Cary were upstairs, it was just me, Ryan & Becky, Alyssa & Nick, and Emma & her boyfriend. It was pretty awkward, but that ended quickly. I had only a bit to drink before it was time to go. I walked to the corner of McCraney & Sixth with Becky and Ryan and said my fond goodbye-for-nows as I walked home.

I spent last night tossing and turning. My back was killing me. I wanted to die. Dad came to the rescue, though, by giving me what was left in a bottle of extra-strength generic Acetametophin, which certainly has helped. Also, I'm listening to Aerosmith, the lack of which over the past few days may have done damage to my back, but I can't prove it. i'm also trying to eat more, get more niutrition, you know... trying to take good care of myself, since nobody else will. That's my resolution for now.

Woosh. Shooting got cancelled for today so I've got nothing. Unfortunately, in the name of shooting, I called off a work session with Alyssa for our Drama project, which was pretty dumb, since we need time to work on it. It's such a huge stressor, and the presentation won't even last more than a few minutes. It's just a lot of content jam-packed in there.

I'm gonna go relax for a bit. Because remember, as Frankie says: Relax.

And as I say: keep on rockin'
-Scott

#4: and I live by the river...

So here we are, at 8:00, in the Drama room, waiting for Act 1 of "The Importance of Being Earnest" to finish up. It's so weird. To top that off, Alex insisted we listen to the gawdawful new Britney Spears album. Actually, it's like a year old but that doesn't make it any less gawdawful. I'd rather still be listening to the Clash, but hey... there's no accounting for taste.

In case anybody's been wondering (and let's face it, you were...) last night's opening performance went very well. Not perfect, but hey, that's live theatre. he main thing is, that I caught the book. There was some doubt on the matter beforehand, but I undoubtedly caught it and intend to do so again.

God I friggin' hate this Britney Spears crap. It's not even that I hate Britney Spears because her earlier stuff, such as "Oops! I did it again" and "Hit my baby one more time" and all that shite, is quite amusing in an ironic, campy sort of way. It's just that her last album is so lame and crappy it makes me want to die from listening to it.

All my family (Mom, Grandma, aunts...) is out there. I'll let you know how it went. Eventually........

Keep on Rockin'
-Scott

#3: Who finds the money when you pay the rent?

I was feeling like shit today. So, I went to rehearsal, and now, y'know, not so much.

It's a blast doing Earnest. It's hard to believe that 2 months ago, and as recent as a couple of weeks, it was 9 kids and 1 teacher meeting in the crappy Drama room on some blocks and half a set, reading from scripts. And now there's these full sets, elaborate props and these grand-scale costumes. There's lighting, and sound (original soundtrack courtesy of Janessa, I believe.) There are techies and production crew to move shit around, while we cool our heels in the Drama room. It all just started to come together at the end, too. And like I said, it's a blast just to sit around with these people and shoot the breeze. And listen to The Clash, too. See, we were listening to the Coral, and Vanessa looked over at Cary (thinking it was his CD) and said she didn't like the music. He then indicated that it was mine, and I changed the track. After a few more songs, he switched it to Pixies live. And after he was gone, I put on London Calling. Upon hearing the opening chords, Vanessa (from the dressing room, no less,) jumped and said "I love this song! you can turn it up if you like!" And I promptly did. And we listened to the CD for another while, until Act 1 was over. The Coral may be an acquired taste, of that I am aware. But everybody loves the Clash.

Had to put on makeup for the first time today. Yesterday was eye makeup, and Emma said "Wow, you have nice eyes!" as she applied it (she does the guys' eyes and hair,) See, I guess I'm just making this into a record of nice things people have said to me, but that's a worthwhile pursuit isn't it? Emma's always been nice to me. Right from the first time we met, and she took pity on me and said "Here, be in our group," for a music video drama project. But the makeup, in particular the eye stuff, I can't stand having that put on. From someone who usually has sheilds in front of his eyes, for protection. I'm not comfortable with that kind of contact.

You wouldn't know it from reading this blog entry, but I'm feeling pretty melodramatic right now. I've jsut been talking to Coral, and sadly I seem to be letting it all out on her, instead of on this Blog, when it should be opposite. And I'm sorry for that. I try not to complain directly to people about my personal life these days. I try to let them come to my blog for that. I can remember many conversations with Adam "Eddie" Edwards, back in the day, when we'd say "Hey man," "Hey, life sucks," "Sure does. You got a girl?" "Nope." "Me neither. I'm sad." "Me too." And it would go on and on and for 13 that was fine, but now I'm 17. And where the fuck did all the time go, man? The years between 12 and 14 went by at a crawl, but then they accellerated after that... and now here we are. Fuck, I'm doing it again. By "it," I mean, "waxing philisophical about the passage of time." Ryan and I were doing that before a recent rehearsal. It's all I can seem to think about these days, confronted with the mortality of my high school career. End of an era and all that.

I was talking to Kyle today, and I asked him how his girlfriend was, and he said good, and then he asked if I had my eye on anyone. And you know what? I just can't think like that anymore, and I haven't for years. That's really something I grew out of. Nowadays, I just weigh my options at every turn. Every girl who I know is single, is fair game. Hell, any girl I don't know has a boyfriend. Otherwise, that ruins the fantasy, you know? Nowadays, especially if I know the girl is willing to converse with me. Too many times did I fall for a girl who I didn't even really know. And you know what? That's stupid. So even though my mind is preoccupied with girls, none of them is the star attaction. I can't limit myself like that, not without actual commitment. Which at this point I'm willing and able to provide... but mentally too feeble to obtain.

Pathos again. See, I'm back into the melodrama. So therapeutic. This keeps me from boring people in conversation with my sad ass life. They can just read the blog and verify for themselves.

I think I'll stop hereabouts. Maybe in re-reads of this blog I'll come off as too self-depricating, but what do I care? Keep on Rockin'
~Scott

#2: Top that.

Appropriate that this entry is "#2" because I feel like shit.

For starters, today was a half-day. That sounds good, right? Wrong you stupid fuck! Half days are inconvenient, especially when they consist of the following schedule:

8:15-9:28 - Period 4 (Lunch)
9:33-10:11 - Period 3b (Half of Drama)
10:16-11:20 - Period 5 (I go home or else sit in the library... or both.)

Okay that schedule doesn't quite add up mathematically, but you get the idea. For whatever reason, I showed up that day, and regretted it. I spent "4th" (remember, that was first,) sitting with Kyle talking about this & that while he played tetris on his phone. Then, for breakfast, we went to the white store where I bought Combos (Nacho Cheese & Pretzel flavour yum!) and red Fruitopia. The most imporant meal of the day, after all.

Then we met up with some Earnest-ites and watched Emma make props with Ryan, and ridiculed Chris Brown for allowing a helium balloon to drift to the roof.

To top it all off, G.W. Bush is only a Buckeye state away from taking another election. This is the worst thing to happen to Ohio since the Kent State shootings... or perhaps the cancellation of WKRP in Cinncinnati. Free Dr. Johnny Fever!

The best thing - and indeed only good thing - to come out of this is the fact that at least we'll be seeing plent of Will Forte on SNL. He's the best Bush since Will Ferrell, and perhaps even better (it's been a while so I can't recall.)

Another lame thing is that since we only had half of Drama, we didn't do anything productive, instead we spent the whole time talking about upcoming drama projects, other matters pertaining to the department, and the election. And this seguéd into talking about Michael Moore's Roger & Me, which of course led to widespread discussion of Fahrenheit 9/11.........what a terrible way to end the class. Too bad Jeff didn't show up to at least make things interesting by bringing some intelligent discourse into the equation. Alyssa's probably mad that we didn't skip and work on our project... but she'll get over it. Hopefully.

To put a nice red cherry on that, today's shoot for Maim in Vain was cancelled due to lack of having out shit together. Just so many factors were conspiring against us that we deemed it impossible to continue today. Fuck, man! All we wanna do is make a fuckin' movie! For class, even, not glory!

Combine all this with a solid base of my general depression and angst, and well, you got yourself a nie, big, creamy milkshake of rage. Fuck I hate today. Rehearsal better go well today. Or else.

I'm gonna go get a burger. Keep on Rockin' in what's left of the free world
-Scotto

#1: It's Arrested Development.

What a crazy couple of days. And of course I really mean Crazy Boring. Been spending an inordinate amount of time working on the play, so that's been taking a lot of my time since Sunday. I was getting kinda depressed earlier today, and then I got into this drama thing, basically just working on my project, and that sorta lifted me up -- or at least took my mind off of how depressed I was. And so I was feeling good for the rest of today. The rest of the day, that is, until I got home and started watching election coverage. And then I started thinking about the possibility - the quite strong possibility - of 4 more years of George W. Bush. It's so depressing. To compound that, I learned that my colleague, Craig Reade (whose site, Still on the Shelf, is quite good,) is a Bush supporter. But I forgive him, befcause he lives in California, the seminal Democrat state, with an unrivaled 55 electoral votes just waiting to be handed to Kerry... so maybe he was voting Bush just to be different, knowing that his vote wouldn't make a difference.

So with the play to further distract me, the real depression didn't quite set in until now. I talked a bit with Coral today on AIM, reminding me of how cool she is, and how much I miss her being around. I also bit my cheek while chewing gum, and now it's iritable. And as days go by, I'm getting more and more mired in my own depression and loneliness. Why am I so consumed by my own pathos?

I'm a weird guy.

And apart from this sentence, this entry contains no references to Angela and Jess, simply because nothing interesting happened with them today. Even so, I made a promise and damnit, I intend to keep it.

Keep on Rockin'
-Scotto