009: This way we never knew

What's a few weeks between friends?

Everything was going along. The quarantine had been what it was - boring, lots of hometime with the Missus, lots of handwashing, work was slow and unstimulating, I was writing about comics and writing for LS - even got one story up that received a very encouraging note, one that I had been turning over in my mind for years, so even one thumbs up was cosmic for me. There was a kind of enjoyable balance that was good while it lasted. I had that toothache, which is still an ongoing issue since I won't be able to see a dentist until July. But yeah, everything was settled and, if not exciting, tolerable.

And fucking then.

Then the cops had to go killing innocent, unarmed black people again. They never stopped, but a new wave hit the news just as everyone was getting real sick of staying inside.

And here my troubles began -- not to frame the issue of institutional racism exclusively through my own privileged POV but at the same time, this is my blog and you'll hear me out on this.

I watched as titles in my category, concerning matters of race, started to pick up. Very quickly. And over the span of a weekend they went from doing dozens or copies, to hundreds, to thousands, to tens of thousands spread over dozens of key titles. And we're tearing out hair out trying to keep up, to source all of these units, to know where it goes from here, to put these books in stores and in peoples' hands. It's tough, and it can be tough working with people in this scenario, but you do what you've got to do, and amidst all the stress, at least I can say it hasn't been dull and I have done my part.

So amidst all of this, I put a hold on all my creative endeavors and focussed my social media presence on becoming an antiracist warrior. I'm not doing this for show - I hate racism, but I really fuckin' hate police brutality, which is intertwined with racism. And there's a lot of ground to cover, and I feel like I am at a place where I can at least try - at least try - to bring my fellow white peoples up to where I'm at. I don't think I'm the best at it but I'm trying hard and staying in my lane and trying to learn more tips and tricks for allyship as I go.

So last week, it was hard to relax; it was, how can I advocate for police abolition today, what petitions can I sign, what causes can I give to, gimme gimme. What can I say to the people positioned to hear me that might wake them a little further up if the need it? What are people saying at me (not much, really.) Who is seeing my instagram stories?

I don't want it to be a passing fad or seem like my intentions are only temporary. But I also want to get back to giving time to myself. So who knows.

So in the midst of all this, they decided it was a good time for a re-org at Indigo.

At first I was blasé. I didn't think much of it because they didn't indicate much for me to worry about. After all, it felt like we're pretty much locked in with the ideal dynamic for our jobs, and if they need to pick apart the merchant level, so be it. We'll be here, pushing the buttons.

Not quite.

So I was shown today a plan for the restructuring at my level and I was....... displeased. The way things are going, I'm going to have to make a choice, seemingly between three options. One keeps me working with people I like, on an area of the business that is not so important to me (but I could grin and bear it.) One keeps me with the area of business I like, but puts me under a new manager who I don't know that I would have a great relationship with - and this is not a value judgment on that person, only to say I have a bad feeling about this and in the past when I have felt skeptical that I could work well with someone, I have been proven correct despite my best efforts. Option three gives me a brand new start, with all new people I mostly like, and an area of the business I neither love nor dislike, but is pretty key and will have certain advantages.

All this seemingly just as change for change's sake.

I'm miffed. It's got me sitting up tonight. That and my allergies. They're hitting pretty bad.

Well, I get some of the reasons but none of them feel good enough for wrecking my shit. But really, taking my personal feelings out of the situation, just because I get the rationale doesn't meant I still don't think it's a bad idea. I think it's a bad idea.

Under this dynamic, I really don't see myself staying in Non-Fiction. And this might go down within three weeks. Can you imagine? I put all this crazy ass work into the C&C category, acquiring all this antiracist stock, constantly emailing with vendors over it, enduring endless calls with Caryn, and then bloop, I'm out, see ya bye, good luck to the next chump in my seat.

And the nerve of doing all this while we're couped up in work from home and have limited job prospects elsewhere. Makes me wish, a little, that I'd been fired. They have to pay severance, you know.

Every time something serious comes up that disrupts my workflow, I think, man. What am I even doing here? Do I have any energy to put into developing toward something bigger at this company? My mind and my heart are not in it. Inventory and Planning do not seem to be my passion - I'm good at it, I find it a stimulating challenge, and I could gladly keep doing it at some level, but you know my passion is writing and I should be doing that. I was making some really good strides early this year, it's easy to forget - we've all lived an extra lifetime since then - and even now I am doing something but it's not enough and never will be. But it's all I've got.

Sigh.

First Saturday in June, the weekend right after my birthday and after the protests started, we awoke at 8:45 to a Fire Alarm. An annoyance of a particular type, you know, they always seem to happen on Saturdays and we always end up sitting around for an hour or more nervously checking the updates and waiting for direction, until finally we get the all clear.

Well, not this time. This time, within five minutes it became "Please Evacuate." Oh, wow. I always knew we were going to have to do this someday. And we had talked about doing it ourselves just to see what it was like, but having done it now I would never voluntarily do it again. I remind you, we live on the 67th floor.

In the moment, it wasn't so bad - I say this as a physically ablebodied 33-year-old man. You get a little winded, a little dehydrated (we had not thought to bring water, but did grab keys, phones and my wallet - and my all-important USB stick in case of the worst.) We took a couple of quick momentary breaks and were alongside a few others, but made it down in 10-15 minutes. Not bad, not bad. Once out, we proceeded away from the building, something most others did not do (fortunately there was no real fire and the emergency situation was resolved quickly.) Mel was texting quickly with he parents and with Jenna for advice, and she advised we not stop, not sit down, and try to do stretches. We walked around the neighborhood, got some breakfast, and once the backlog of people trying to get in had died down, went back up to eat (we were not going to eat without being able to wash our hands, it's still Covid times.) In the end, it was a "water event," some kind of burst pipe or something. During our first floors on the way down there was definitely a lot of dripping and puddles in the stairwell, a bit like the early second half of Titanic, which we thought was from sprinklers but no, that was it. Our hot water was out for a day afterward, and during the week the landlords sent someone over to check for water damage (he glanced only briefly.)

My legs were sore. For almost the whole next week, Mel couldn't walk. On Monday, I went and got her a cane, primarily so that if she needed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night she wouldn't need my assistance or to risk falling down. Best $24 I've spent in a while. She was better in time to do training with Jenna on Thursday though, albeit the week involved lots of Voltaren.

And that was it. I had to get all that out there, I don't think I was going to sleep otherwise and I needed to give my allergy pill time to kick in. It's 1 now, and the world is asleep, but I also told myself I would do some writing after this post, so let's see what I can do.

Keep on rockin
-Scotto