XXIII: Deus Ex Machina

I called this entry "Deus Ex Machina," because it's New Year's Eve, and this is my automatic plot device-driven ending to the story that is this year. And if that metaphor makes sense to anyone out there, don't hesitate to let me know.

In all seriousness, yeah, it's New Year's Eve, and I'm here, celebrating in fine Williams tradition - rented some movies (Anchorman and Dodgeball - it's time for mainstream) and nicked a bit of bubbly from some family function a month and a half ago. And here I am, sitting at this blog, trying to think about the year.

Obviously, I've got more than a few issues about the way it's turned out. This year was notable for more than a few reasons, and you know what, I'm pretty proud of some of the stuff I've done this year. And you can jsut look through this blog to see what that is (uh, but as a general hint, it's mostly located around June-July for some reason.) Yeah, the middle of the year was good, and then things... well they sure didn't get any better. I look forward to the year 2005 and all the challenges and u,h opportunities it may present. Aw, fuck it, it'll probably just be the same old crap. But I'll try to make a difference. Man is the architect of his own destiny, after all.

I hope you all had as good of a 2004 as I did. Actually, I hope that you all had a better 2004 than I did, generally speaking. Because most of it... sucked. It's the horrible truth. Had some good times, some laughs, branched out into the world, you know, tried new things, but in the end... I'm pretty dissatiisfied that this is life at the end of the year. I know, it's just another meaningless date on the calendar, but it's the last meaningless date on the calendar, and if we humans insist on labelling things in terms of a yearly basis, well then we're just gonna have to learn to accept it.

Here's to 2005 - for auld lang syne.

Whatever that means.

Keep on rockin'
Scott

XXII: Brothers in Arms

Man... I was really excited about this break. I was totally lookin' forward to just kickin' back and having time to myself. The presence of Eric didn't really matter, it's no big deal since if it was just the 2 of us we wouldn't clash so much. Then it turned out that Brandon had the week off work, so it's the three of us. Then it so happens that Frank's also home all day so for whatever reason he and mom feel the need to converse in the morning and keep me up at 7:00 - the time I'm trying to sleep through. Ugh... I'd frankly rather be at school. This is no vacation. I'm fuckin' tired.

Now Xena - my Grandma's dog - is here for the evening too. And I had to cook some honest-to-God expired meat for tacos for dinner.

Now, I'm not saying I hate my life - that would be far too melodramatic - but it sure isn't lookin' too good right about now.

Gonna overhaul Interneta for the new year.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XXI: She's So Cold

Yesterday we all went out to Square One... not an extremely successful trip mind you, as we wound up buying things that for the msot part we could've gotten at Oakville Place. Except then we wouldn't have had the feeling of going on a road trip. And that was pretty fun. I wound up getting some new headphones - I think these are pair #4 in as many years. Pair #3 aren't toally broken... I'm just trying to conserve them from further wear. These are surprisingly high quality stereo-style, the sound is remarkable on them. They're wild.

Went grocery shopping earlier yesterday... and let me tell you, grocery stores are a much more pleasant environment on a Monday morning than a Sunday afternoon.

I got all my application-confirmed form letters last week. It's kind of weird and scary to know these people are going to be judging me. Even worse... in an effort to fill out my application, I decided (mostly on a lark,) to apply to Sheridan's Media Arts program and Humber's film school... both of which I later found out required a resumé and some letters of recommendation... (insert tugging at collar here.) I don't think I'm serious enough about either of them to go to such lengths to apply. Now, given that I've done 3-years at White Oaks' Commtech course, a letter of recommendation from Andrews would basically provide a slam dunk at Humber, where he frequently boasts "they know us... they know what we do here." It's just that... it's not my primary goal to go to film school, so I don't feel like it'd be worth it to take such an expensive course, which I'd probably not enjoy. Ecch... I can't believe I'm actually having a crisis.

In the end, I'll probably just go to Sheridan's Print Journalism course or Humber's Creative Writing course, if I get in. That's all I want, all I need. Fast, cheap and effective, just like I think school should be.

I'm gonna have to sleep on this. Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XX: Unwanted Boy

Ah, the folly of Blogging!

See, I'd had a really nice entry written about what a nice Christmas I'd had, and how everything went well and how I was even looking forward to going back to school because things were looking good for the rest of the semester.

But the, as fate would have it, the computer froze and all was lost. And now I'm depressed. Seriously, every time I hit that little "reset," I get a little depressed, but I have been depressed on and off today. Not because the Holidays are gone, per se, but more because since the Holidays are gone, I've got nothing to focus on but the part things in my life. I know it's not all THAT bad... there are after all only a small number of things that I'm upset about, but when you focus on 'em so intensely, you get down, man. Real down. You might guess what I'm getting at, but I'll leave that to your imagination.

Christmas went very well. It was merry. And merriness is not measured, at least not this year, by the volume or greatness of the presents received - although they were numberous and quite good - but by the smiles on the faces of Mom, Dad, aunts and all, when they opened their gifts. Dad in particular was enthusiastic about his gift - a book he wanted, a Guess Who live CD (his soft spot for Classic Rock,) and "the Belgian Beer Experience" which I'd had my doubts about but really hit the mark. This was also a very fortunate Christmas since Mom & co reversed their decision to leave Christmas until the mid-afternoon when everybody could get over, on my unfortuante sense of logic and reasoning (which perhaps has always branded me as an outcast in my family.) Another fuss Mom raised was that she wanted her presents to be opened before Dad arrived - she didn't want to risk outshining Dad, but perhaps it was her who felt outshone when Dad arrived with, as usual, a wealth of envelopes from our North Bay-based relatives, and some great gifts, as well as an abundance of Christmas spirit. Dad's always been good with gifts, and has been known to give for no good reason when the spirit moved him (such as when he was out buying himself a new printer and decided to get us one too - no doubt to prevent us from abusing his new one.) Our gifts to the aunts were all big hits, and I certainly got myself a good haul. And though Mom didn't get her wish of a 2:00 dinnertime (since the family didn't arrive until about 1:45) which meant that, much to mother's dismay, we actually ate at something resembling a sensible dinnertime (although not quite... it was like, 4 or 5.)

So yeah... I'm down. I had a great Christmas, but now it's all over, the wrapping's been torn up and thrown out. The bags have been put into storage for the next series of Birthdays. The stockings are going back to wherever the hell we keep them.

But still, I'm down. Maybe it's because I've been listening to Dire Straits too much, I dunno.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XIX: Brand New Cadillac

Christmas Eve, everybody!

I'm excited. Not only because I'm getting presents tomorrow, but also for two, far less shallow reasons. One, I'm very excited to see how everyone will react to the gifts we bought them, and two... well, Boxing day brings the end of my much-loathed Christmas Commercial Season. I hate them all, with the notable exception of the Sarah Cornell Best Buy one, if only because I love being able to say "I met her!" out loud. I also hate just about every Christmas song on the radio. And TBS ads for "24 Hours of "A Christmas Story."" Tch, who needs that? One year, we flipped TBS on on Christmas morning and watched Mama's Family. I have no idea why.

I made Interneta's homepage a tad festive for the season. Just to spread a bit of Christmas Cheer. I call it my "Online XMas Card."

I can remember many years ago, on Christmas Eve, when Dad'd tuck us into bed, and as we'd try to settle our nerves long enough to fall asleep he'd read us 'Twas the Night Before Christmas. I don't mean to get all sentimental on you, but Christmas memories are cool.

There's spiders in my computer.

Josh & I finally finished our re-shoots at his Dad's office today. I have to reiterate how cool his dad was for letting us do that. It really adds a better dimension to our video and knocks it above what it could've been.

After that, my evening consisted of Panago pizza (which my mom calls Pa-NAY-Go) and giftwrapping. Normally I'm stuck wrapping all the gifts, but this year the brothers agreed to help thanks to the recent implementation of Gift Bags. I must confess, we've gotten lazy in recent years. My mom has an impressive line of Christmas Bags of all sizes. The most attractive aspect of them perhaps is that they're reusable. We recycle them frequently. On the altar of tradition, however, I hand-wrapped Mom & Dad's gifts. Well, Dad's was far too big, by-and-large, for the gift bag treatment, but Mom's would've fit right in, but there's much more delight to be found in seeing someone tear off some wrapping as opposed to digging through a wretched Gift bag.

My mom is always straightforward with Gift requests. She says exactly what she wants, and we get it for her. Dad, however, he's not so forthcoming. His list actually consisted of "CDs - you know what I like; Crew Neck T-Shirts, Tube Socks." That old joke about getting tube socks instead of something good? He takes that seriously! Unbelievable. He also specified this one book which we were able to procure. Other than that, we got pretty creative with our gift ideas for him. I think he'll be pleased, or at least surprised.

Well kids, it actually looks like I'm gonna finish off for the night. Happy Holidays and Keep on Rockin'
Scott "King of Christmas Cool" Williams

XVIII: The Good Old Unknown

It's Christmas Eve Eve...! And if you think this date is in any way significant, then you are, well... way off base.

Eric and I went to the Mall for Lunch, and I proved my theory that as Christmas approaches, fewer and fewer people are seen in the mall during the day. That's not to say it was desserted, it's just that it had far fewer people than when we went on Tuesday for Christmas shopping. The snow could not deter us from our sandwiches. Also, we looked at all the great crap they've got at that new store, Toys 4 U (yeah, great fuckin' name... putzes.) Without any intent of buying. I don't know, the wall of Muppett action figures made a great spectacle, but somehow seemed unattractive as a purchase. We also saw a she-male, an honest-to-God transsexual (pre-op, otherwise we'd never know,) in the food court. She and her male associates (?) were getting in line for some Roasty Jack. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

My headphones are acting up. I shudder at the prospect of buying a new pair, but perhaps those are the breaks.

I got my Earnest DVD from Ana today. She came by, and we made small talk about my house as I searched my wallet for the money to pay her (a toonie is hard to find sometimes.) Thankage goes out to those parties involved in creating the DVD for us, great job. That having been said, I realized upon watching it that I was only interested in it as a souvenir of the play, watching all those people in their roles again. Maybe just because it's so recent, but I feel sick of the play. Understandable, right? Still, it was nice to see the groovy editing they did on the disc. Naturally I do have a few problems... firstly being that because of the angles, it left out/shot around the only two worthwhile things I did in the whole play (tea-serving and book-catching.) Bitterness aside, it was a very well put together disc. My only other problem is that because of where he happened to be sitting/where the cameras happened to be stationed, my dad got more screen time than I did. He's in about 1/3 of all the shots. He's clearly visibly downstage left (where Chris usually comes from,) and it started to annoy me halfway through. Of course, should I ever forget what my own father looks like, I have this very nice DVD to remind me.

Eric had a few thoughts, too, but I forgot most of them. I know that he liked the use of the word "exploded" (since he's been saying "blow up" in various contexts for days,) and that he knew a few people in the cast (Emma and Chris.) He naturally had mixed feelings about the play itself, but liked a bunch of the performances (Ryan's in particular.) He was also quick to point out the one point where I stumbled on a line (go find it!) I don't know how much usage I'll get out of it, but then again; I don't know how much usage I'll get out of my "Maim in Vain" DVD either, so there.

I'd had some thoughts, but none of them were of any urgency. Pragmatically speaking, I'm glad to be alone for the Holidays. One less gift to buy with money I don't have. I'll drink to that.

Keep on Rockin'
Sukotsutsu (Scott)

XVII: Talking Gypsy Market Blues

Man, I'm feeling pretty blue.

It's been an odd day, I guess. Trekked out into the cold before noon to pick up some comics (including my cousin's XMas Present.) It's cold out. And snowy. This makes it unpleasant to wait for the bus. Still, I reconciled it better than usual, crooning softly to myself Elvis' "In The Ghetto" (the song was in my head at the time due to seeing it on an old "Drew Carey Show.") I used to sing that song on Bus rides with Daron Webb. It seems in the intervening 4.5 years, I've forgotten a few verses. But oh well.

When I got back, I talked to this girl - Nicole. She's one of those types who gets you on their MSN list and you talk to occasionally. She's a nice girl, laughs at things I say, etc. Since I was on my brother's computer, she asked me to Cam, so we did (she was reluctant, one of those types who is prettier than she thinks.) It was kinda cool... but it gets me thinking... what is it about me that attracts unavailable females? She lives in Welland (recall my thoughts on Welland from a few weeks ago, why don't you?) and has a boyfriend in Toronto. It's kinda like Leanne from Bateman, all over again. (Sigh.) This is my curse.

Well I don't wanna get too down right now (*reads previous post) man I really went off on that Christmas thing, eh? I must've sounded like a mental patient. Well, it's just reflective of my general frustration toward my family anyhow. Well, they try, for all the grief I give them.

I walked the dog earlier tonight. I'd forgotten that on snowy nights, the sky lights up. It's really nice. Last night was the solstace (and damnit if I didn't forget to throw my wicca party.) Which means that the days are going to start to get longer... which actually does me very little good, but still.

Still having weird dreams. The last time I had weird dreams was over 6 months ago, toward the end of Grade 11. Last night I dreamt I was having a particularly difficult time in the Cafe, trying to mash something up for some recipe Mrs. D. was having me do that I had no clue about. I think this reflects my earlier frustration toward Christmas Shopping, manifesting itself as something even more mundane. On Friday before the Break, since 5th period followed 2nd, I did a double shift in the Caf, since I was the only one there. Because of this, they gave me free food, and beamed to whoever arrived "Scott/Zack is always here... he's never missed a class" (they still occasionally use Mr. Zehr's tradition of calling me Zack.)

I showed my Dad Ana Yavari's trailer, and he seemed impressed (although he has been known to be difficult to read, he had nothing but good to say about it.) He said it was a "good idea" for a movie, and that it looked really good, too. Except he put it more eloquently than that. So Ana if you're reading this... there's some praise for you to counteract that "criticism" of yours.

Now, I have created myself a problem because he saw that one first and is likely to be underwhelmed (which is not actually a word,) by mine when I show him. Oh well, c'est la vie, savez-vous? Oui. Pemplemousse. Une sous-marine. Des frites. Dr. & Mrs. Van Der Trampe. See that? I just regurgitated a bunch of French lessons from Grade 8.

Going to update Interneta soon, for the holidays. Stay tuned and keep on rockin'
Scott

XVI: I Will Follow

Christmastime is fast approaching, and I've never been more aware of this than now that I've finished (most of) my X-Mas Shopping for the year. Eric and I went out to the mall today in search of Christmas presents.

My family, exercising their love of making things more complicated than seems necessary, has found a number of ways to make Christmas nice and complicated. For starters, we aren't just giving our gifts haphazardly to everyone we know like a bunch of savages. My brothers and I all picked a name (Lori, Karen or Gail) to gift-shop for, and they did in turn to us. This system was introduced last year with moderate success. To further complicate things (after all, if it were left at that, it would be too simple for my mother's comfort,) we will wait until my aunts arrive sometime early in the afternoon for the gift-opening, as opposed to the normal system of wake up, make sure everyone in the house is up, open gifts, wait for Aunts to arrive. That's way too linear and sensible for our liking. Sheesh.

Also, our family will be proud, since they all seem to love to hear Gift stories - ie who got how much of a deal or tales of "I almost got you such-and-such instead..." which i think is somewhat inappropriate but hey we do it all the time. We got some really neat stories about my Mom's gift as well as others.

As you might be able to deduce, I'm somewhat jaded about the whole matter. Like I said earlier, I'm just frustrated about my mom's need to complicate matters that could be so simple. I love the babies but gosh darnit they have a way of really complicating things, or inspiring people to rearrange things "for their benefit" (for no good reason.) It's insane, this household. My mom plans on serving dinner around 2-3 on Christmas afternoon. Uh... and doesn't figure we'll get started until maybe 1. So that means Christmas lasts about 3, 4 hours tops. And this is supposed to be for the kids? How does that help them, robbing them of Christmas like that? It's a sad, strange state of affairs.

Still, I'll try and make the best of it, and try to keep my logic from interrupting their prevailing nonsense. I wouldn't want to ruin anybody's Christmas with any sort of sensible planning or reasonable continuity. No, let's just jam it all in there and not savor any of it. Sheesh. Again.

I have other thoughts, too, but none of which I can properly express in this strange frustration I've got going on right now. Suffice it to say, it's my usual "woe is me"-style sermon.

Ah well, gotta save something for later. Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XV: So Far Away from Me

I don't know what's coming over me. I don't know why, knowing full well that it was nut-shrinkingly cold (apologies for the visual) I decided I had to go to the mall today. I didn't do the Christmas shopping today - that's for tomorrow. I just had to get out, even if it meant freezing my face off.

Incidentally, I did not - less than halfway there I was halted by Kerri Waite in her car and offered a ride. That ranks in the awesome book. I still lacked any real purpose for being there. Lunch? Browsing? Seeing the new Radio Shack locale, which is very un-cavelike? Indeed for the first time ever, upon entering the Radio Shack, I did not feel I was spelunking. Still... I needed something to do, to get out there.

Josh and I did some very key shooting today, which I was glad to get done. That was my day; pointless mall trip in the cold and shooting with Josh.

I'm very stubborn about temperature. I don't like coldness. An excess of heat I can deal with, but coldness always gets to me. I hate having to bundle up and I hate having to wear long-sleeve shirts (don't know why.) I found out on Friday that all this time I'd been living in this house the window in my room has actually been open. Go fig! No wonder it was always so fuckin' freezing in there. Even now, with the temperature in the basement hovering around Zero, I'm reluctant to bundle or to exchange my ice cold Coca-Cola for a Hot Chocolate (of which we have none anyway.) I remember the phase I think we all went through when we were kids; first, when we're very young we get cold easily and are quick to turn to coats, but by the time we're about 9, 10, 11, we [mostly guys] feel like we can manage in a T-Shirt in December. Well, obviously that phase has passed for me. I hate hate hate coldness.

This sudden and unconquerable plunge into wintertime brings about what I consider to be a yearly dilemma - the Winter "Blah's." Effectively, from December until March, I'm pretty much dead. I have no life in me. Oh sure I can feign interest for the holiday season, Christmas Morning and New Year's eve, but I just get burned out by the time exams roll around, and i don't feel alive again until that snow starts melting. As soon as that first frost glaces the grass, though, I just lose hope. I plunge into a deep despair about the weather. I so love Spring, however, and savor every second of it when it arrives. Summer's nice, but there's nothing like the feeling of rebirth and life that one experiences with spring.

See, all of my works seem to correspond with a season. "Half-Past," with its optimistic, romantic theme, takes place in the Springtime. It's pretty natural which season "Summer at Sixteen" takes place during, and "Maim in Vain" is about killing - that seems natural for Fall. "Funeral for a Freak" is about somebody who's already dead, so I see it as being the Winter play. Except it was never finished so I guess I'll have to write a new Winter piece.

I've been having these troubling dreams lately. They're not nightmares, they're sort of romantic. They're not at all sex dreams, let's get that clear. They're just sort of... sweet, innocent dreams that really get me down when I wake up.

We got our groups for the Summative in Drama on Friday, and Rosser called us Stupid for all clogging the system with prefab suggestions of 5 instead of 4 + 1 random. Yeah, I blame myself. I knew who I would've taken off the list if only I'd rethought it a bit. As it is, I've got a pretty good group, with Chris, Alyssa and Emma. At first, Emma pitched this idea that I didn't really get, and I could tell that she really wanted the project to go in this direction and I don't think any of us were really feeling it. After giving the matter some consideration, I pitched an alternate idea that I had had a while back and thought might work, which gave a looser framework and had a better opportunity for group-member satisfaction; which is something I've discovered is wholly important. The idea is three segments of characters in therapy sessions. It was fairly well responded to. Except well... pardon me while I vent. The problem with working with Emma is that she likes to keep a heaviness to her projects. A weight that conveys an interest in important social issues - like in Grade 10, her group's ritual was to the God of Teen Suicide, which was a huge downer (as in it was depressing, not that it wasn't good.) And her summative that year, it was on the Legalization of Marijuana. Even the "Teenage Dirtbag" music video we did played the material as heavy as possible. And then there was the "End of Days" theme running through our blackout presentation... and the list even goes on, I'm sure. And me, I have a tendancy to take a lighthearted approach to material, which creates a contrast certainly, if not an exact conflict. All I'm saying is that there a few different ways to approach any given idea, and that usually Emma and I are usually in opposition.

But I think we'll do our best to reconcile this and see if we can't come up with something really great.

In the meantime, let's all keep on rockin, I'll see ya later; I gotta help my cousin with a script.
-Scott

XIV: Tell Me Why I Don't Like Mondays

I was reading today about the School Shooting that inspired Bob Geldof to write the Boomtown Rats' hit song, "I Don't Like Mondays." It made me think, man, I'd like to be involved in some incident that inspired the writing of a UK Top Ten hit and get an underground band some exposure. Is that... a weird thing to want?

Friday was the big Christmas assembly. It was a huge success, by all accounts. There were major laughs, particularly from Cary and Doug as Emcees (every time Doug yelled out "LED ZEPPELIN!" I did a spit take.) Also effective was my line about everyone "dropping out of the assembly," which prompted a good 10-second "ooooooooo!" from the seniors of the audience. The highlight had to be the chef program, though, which, being Improv, has the ability to captivate the audience better than a scripted skit. (I guess when Mrs. Davidson said "We're not going going up there and doing Improv," she was, well.... lying.) The pop from the crowd when Andrew caught that cherry in his mouth was incredible! I mean, it might've been more conventially funny if he missed, but it was so unlikely and in-the-moment that it worked best. And the whole deal came together really well. My only regret is that it wasn't a huge blowout like most years (because they normally had more than 11 people.) and that it fell apart right at the end, losing momentum with a weak last joke (people reacted negatively to Steffi's cancelling of the Christmas Song, thus disproving her theory,) and though Nolan's "If it's that 500 Miles Song I'll Kill Myself!" got a huge laugh, the last memory people will have of the assembly was that the Mic fucked up and the teacher band couldn't play on cue (I suspect it was Jesse Cree's fault even if I can't prove it.) So that was that.

In the end, we put together a pretty good show, doing the best (or better) with what we had and were allowed to do. It was a sort of comeback story and it really put me in a good mood for the Christmas break (although all this commericalization based on a central theme of Xmas is really sarting to nauseate. How do the Jewish put up with it??)

I had a little tiff with Josh over the phone. It wasn't much, but we're finding it really hard to execute these last few shots for the movie. At one point he suggested we try to get some shooting done on Christmas Day, and when I tried to explain why that wouldn't work, well... he had to advise me "There's no need for swearing." And he's right, I was a little tightly wound. But imagine, having to be ripped apart from my family on Christmas Day to go shoot a movie. I can't even begin to summarize everything that's wrong with that. For starters, mom's already got it out for me since I missed the last 3 major Family events (Cameron & Alexandra's Christening for Bowling, Eric's Birthday for Ernest tech run, and Fake Christmas [or "Farcemas"] for Shooting.) The LAST thing I need is to miss Christmas (my Aunt even said to me after I apologized, "Just make sure you keep the 25th open!") Yeah, so Christmas day was definitely a no. But we worked it out.

As for today, I'm enjoying my nice relaxing Sunday early evening, waiting for dinner. I am really, really hungry and I can't wait to eat. I think that about sums it up.

Happy Holidays and Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XIII: Get Up & Go Juice

We failed. We tried making chicken tonight and appear to have failed at that. C'est la vie, as those Frenchies say. I was against the chicken from the beginning, but its low price was irresistable. Never mind the fact that we didn't have any clue about how to cook it right. Frankly, I'm surprised we hadn't botched a meal prior to this. I mean, there was this nasty leg-o-lamb bit we did that didn't pan out, but this... this was quite unprecedented.

Stressful day. I mean, sure, it seems hard to be stressed out when you don't ever have to do anything important for school, but perhaps it is the opposite. That I get stressed when I'm not doing anything. We basically just sat around all class in Commtech reminiscing with Mr. Andrews about the old website.

Lunch was odd... Josh & Kyle went out so I was basically on my own with Hilary and Mackenzie, humouring them while they talked about girl stuff. Matters weren't helped when Jess & Angela showed up, so naturally I was grilled, accused of staring at breasts (which I don't do, I can see them good enough with my peripheral vision, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.) Essentially, Jess & Angela just wanted material to use against me. They're weird like that. I try to ignore it now, their shenanigans, but occasionally they get under my skin.

There was a lot of talking about boobs; and while I am a big fan of breasts, they're not my favourite topic of discussion. Especially since, when talking about them with girls, they'll naturally ask why guys like them so much. And truth be told, I have yet to give or hear a reasonable answer. We just do. It's just something guy's done (typically) have, and that's intriguing about women. Sure, to women they're just another body part; I'm not particularly in love with any of my body parts (with one notable exception - use your imagination,) so sure women don't see anything special about boobs. It's part of their culture. But to men, they're foreign. Mysterious, even. I think that about sums it up.

The question was also brought up about whether or not men compare penis sizes the way women seem to compare breast sizes. Frankly, I don't think there's much discussion about it, especially since it fluctuates. All I know is that any guy who claims to have a 9-inch-penis when not erect is lying.

So anyway, that was school today. Boring, awkward and occasionally frustrating. Boys who tell obnoxious jokes, girls who love to screw with my head. Hey, this is my life.

Christmas assembly. Bah. We'll see, tomorrow. I can't even focus my thoughts on that. Probably tomorrow.

This was a sort of unfocused, rambling blog entry. I prefer to keep my entries more lean and focussed, but I'm just all over the place today, mentally.

Keep on rockin'
Scott

XII: Sounds Like She's Singin'

There are times when I'm really mad. Mad, or upset, or frustrated. I've expressed myself during several of these times on this Blog. We all like to vent at some point and man do Blogs ever provide a great duct (see what I did there?)

I'd just like to point out that I don't feel mad or upset right now. I'm actually quite content, even though, ostensibly, I've got no real reason to be. After all, I'm still in the nightmarish, unemployed, lonely, hellish rut I've been in for months. I'm still essentially unfulfilled in my personal life and have yet to find any real place in society.

But why, despite this seeming laundry list of angst, would I feel so upbeat?

I suspect it's because of the sense of accomplishment I've acheived by writing so much of the Christmas assembly and my Charlie Kaufman paper recently. Perhaps it's because of this wonderful new chair. I really have no idea. The only thing I really do know is that I feel good right now, and I want that on the record.

I mean, heh, lord knows when that's gonna happen again.

I'm actually smiling. Keep on Rockin'
Scott

XI: Just Because I Care

Wow. What a whirlwind couple of days it has been.

I wrote my whole paper of Charlie Kaufman last night. It was rough goings, and my printer done ran out of ink, so I e-mailed it to Rosser (he seemed rather pleased that someone took advantage of this ability for once.) We also met on the Christmas assembly today, and despite a lot of proof that might indicate otherwise, it's going rather well. If we do good at tomorrow's final tech run, we'll have a really more-than-decent Christmas assembly.

The big news is that Dad came over today and we finally put together our new office chair. It has wheels! I love it. Okay, maybe that's not such a big deal, but if you had to spend two months squatting in front of your computer on an increasingly decrepit old kitchen chair with a couch cushion at your back, you'd be very thankful for the new chair.

I haven't been making many references to Jess & Angela lately. I suspect that they've stopped reading. Today at lunch, I had a pop in my pocket, and Jess swung her hand around and accidentally knocked into it - the look on her face was priceless!

What a boring day it was... got my script for Barrett's play; it'll be interesting to see it on the stage. Saw some neat Drama presentations. That was, uh... about it.

I'm not really in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that makes me feel remotely like Christmas is the taste of Egg Nog - and Eric finished that off in a hurry (although to be fair, it's got like a 3 day shelf life.) Perhaps I will feel more like Christmas when School's out.

Looking forward to a nuce, relaxing vacation.

Keep on Rockin
Scott

X: That Crazy Casbah Jive!

A mess of random thoughts:

It's 9:00 on a Sunday Night. Man, I hate it when football goes long and interrupts my TV time. I have too much to write, I still haven't finished the XMas Assembly, which seems to now be resting on my shoulders (WHY did I do that?) I love Arrested Development and tonight's episode was fantastic. Also, an unusally good (for these recent seasons) episode of the Simpsons tonight. I have a new office chair, I can't wait to assemble it, I've been using a kitchen chair for months. I haven't started my Drama ISU yet. I don't even have time to be mired in my own self-loathing tonight so whoopee. I hope the weather just gets a little better so we can finish up those few seconds of footage we still need for Maim in Vain. It's 9:10 on a Sunday Night. Mom liked Kyle & Co.'s Commedia presentation from Drama Night, it was the only one she mentioned by name. I hate eating dinner with Frank. I feel bad for Doug right now, because he is getting way too much grief both romantically and in Drama. Why am I blogging, I should be writing. I had a good idea for a play on Friday and if I didn't have so much extra crap to wrok on I'd be writing it right now. I added Humber's "Comedy" program to my list of College applications, because I think I could get into that if Journalism and Creative Writing fall through. Life is getting stressful. I have to log off now. It's a quarter after 9 on sunday night and I've got an assembly to write.

Keep on rockin'
Scott

IX: The chaste kiss of one mutant kissing another of her kind

Long title for this blog entry, eh?

I've come to the conclusion that 9:00 on a Saturday is entirely too early to get up and go Bowling. I have also come to the conclusion that there's nothing I can do about it. There are a few more conclusions I've just reached: One, that people are quick-tempered and stupid at this time of day, and two, that I have a busy day ahead of me.

The first comes from a weird little scene at the bowling alley today. See, the method of payment is incredibly simple - each team has an envelope with all our names written on and all the week #'s noted. You put the amount you pay (usually $10) next to your name, under the week it is. So simple! Well, when somebody pays late and you have to make change, it gets complicated. And when you cross-borrow the change from a different envelope, you get confused. And when you're a stupid lady who yells alot, you get angry. See? The lady who made the change for my teammate, took the change out of a different envelope, then yelled at that team for coming up $5 short, when it was obviously her fault. And she yelled repeated phrases like "Where's the $5? You're $5 short, we need that $5!" in her annoying high-pitched whine. And it was nowhere to be found, because naturally, the "missing" $5 was put into ours as change. And when she came over to apologize (after making two seperate trips to yell at us, and sending another manager over for a third,) she jsut said "it turns out, we made it up somewhere else... we don't know where and we don't know how, but we did." She didn't even admit to her own exposed stupidity! Some people, man.

But I bowled well today. Over average all three games, which lately has proven to be a daunting and inconsisten task to complete.

Today, I've got to quickly shoot some "2nd Unit" stuff with Josh (ie stuff we forgot to shoot in the first place, and other reshoots,) as well as get on over to the Library to work on the XMas assembly sketch. Busy day!

We were in the library yesterday, too, after school. We did some brainstorming, came up with a good basis for a sketch, and then when some people had to leave, we just hung out and started talking. Turns out Rosser was upset that I didn't audition for Sears, seemingly he wanted me. I was flattered, (still am,) and I almost regretted the command decision that made me turn down that opportunity. But, mom put it in perspective for me today: She said, "So, you're gonna be working on two plays at the same time? That'll be difficult." And you know what, mom? You're right. And imagine if it were three!

Feelin'... groovy. Thanks for that, Paul Simon. I think I am, indeed, feelin' groovy.

Keep on Rockin'
Scott--

Late Edition PS: I just realized something. Now that people I know are starting to read this crazy thing called Blog... I might have to be more careful about what I say! I'd like to instute a policy of "what happens in the Blog, stays in the Blog," if that's at all possible. I dunno, I say different things on the Blog than I might in person, and it's really mostly that I'm venting. Not really applicable to this post, but you know... some of the other ones. I guess what I'm trying to say is... don't judge a man by his Blog.

Does that make any sense? I dunno. KOR-SAW.

VIII: Carpets and Drapes.

Last night was... odd. It was Callback night for the Fringe/Sears. Except that, of my own decision, I didn't audition for the Sears play (Twelve Angry Men,) and so I just think of it as "Fringe" night. And, as April Wine once crooned, "Oooowhattanight!" Well, I'm not thinking that enthusiastically, but isn't it nice to make a reference to a forgotten Canadian rock group every now and again? I think so.

Of the 6 Fringe plays, I was only asked to read for 3, not bad considering one has no male roles and one has only a few. After a somewhat tame read for Emma's play (I could tell that she probably didn't have me in mind, since she didn't see my initial audition,) I read for Barrett's "Breakfast Club" adaptation (written directly for stage by the man himself, John Hughes,) the "Vernon" monologue - you know, the one where he tells Bender he's gonna knock his dick in the dirt? I figured I was basically being given the part, because, well... although about 3 "Andrews" read, a couple of "Claires" read, and a number of "Benders," I was the only person who even read for the Principal.

The other one was Ana's (as-yet-strangely-unfinished) play "Murder in the Wings," where I read as a hyperactive British Drama teacher under an extreme amount of stress, yelling into poor Doug's ear. It was overacting at its finest, as I let my voice crack into its highest, eardrum-piercing range, while still maintaining a frim hold on my Graham Chapman-sloshed-on-booze accent.

Well, I got both parts. Congrats to me. And it turned out as well as could be expected, I suppose. I mean, they're good roles... although... a teacher in one, and a principal in the other? I don't get it. Barrett didn't even have anyone cast as Brian Johnson as of this morning... and don't I look like an Anthony Michael Hall? I dunno, man. At least I get to use some nice, vulgar language, as the Principal that Paul Gleason made famous.

I'm just saying that I don't feel like I'm the "teacher or principal" type. At 5'7 1/2", I'm not quite a grown man; I'm shorter than most of the actors (except Phil,) and my voice isn't that deep. I don't exhude power and authority the way these people normally do. But, hey, whatever.

In Ana's, I play Hugh, who is British (surprise, the name totally threw me off.) I have no problem playing a Brit. I consider myself an honorary Briton (Well, my family's roots are closer to those of the Celts, but never mind that.) Accents can be tough to maintain onstage, though. Just listen to my somewhat inconsistent performance in Earnest and you might get it. Still, it's always nice to be the first person on the cast list.

Breakfast Club has a really great cast, aside from the aforementioned uncast role of Brian. It's mostly Grade 12's and Superseniors, (Myself and Steffi [Claire] as the former, Alyssa [Allison] and Phil the latter.) Plus one gentleman of undetermined (by me) grade. It'll be a nice crew to be spending my time afterschool with.

Ana's is complimented by Myself, Doug, and Becky as the Grade 12's of the crew, with a few Grade 9/10's filling it out. Unfortunately, she didn't go with Gillian Arfin for one role as per my recommendation, but hey... her loss, man.

The funniest story, of pluck and grit, of this callback night was Kyle. Although he acted quite successfully (and under rather unusual circumstances - see June's entries,) in our play last year, he declined to get involved this time around. Well, unfortunately, a quest of romance (or was it perhaps just flirtation, or humour?) brought him to the callback night, and Rosser conscripted him into auditioning. So he read, reluctantly, for 12 Angry Men, and got a part (as Juror #12,) and also, strangely, for Kathryn Haynes' play. We had a good laugh about that. "It's karma," I told him, "It's what you get for having a harem." And he does. And he knows it.

So that was the big news for today.

I wrote a blue longsleeve button-up today. Dunno why. I got up and thought, "I should wear this today." I left the house with it untucked at sleeves rolled down. By the time I got to first period, I decided to tuck it in. In hospitality, (Food school,) I had to roll the sleeves up, so I left it like that all day. It was successful. Sometimes, dressing nice is nice.

Wow, what an awful sentence I just typed.

On that note, Keep on Rockin' Sportsfans
Scott

(Added later that evening) PS: Well, there was actually one thing about callback night that I neglected to mention. This relates to Tuesday's saga of near-depression. After I had cheered myself up, I was speaking with Alyssa on MSN, and I mentioned that I was feeling "better," and she said that she noticed that I was "out of sorts" that day, and felt concern. And, since she was baking cupcakes that night anyway, she offered to set one aside for me as a "Cheer up Scott" cupcake. How nice! I ate it while waiting around during the callbacks... and although it was a vegan baked good, it was still good (hey, just because I don't agree with their lifestyle doesn't mean I can't enjoy their food!) It put good faith in me, and I'm waiting for an opportunity to pay it back... or forward. I'm big on paying it forward. Although I didn't see that movie. Anyway, I just wanted to recognize what a terrifically nice gesture that was.

Keep on Rockin' again
Scott

VII: Help is on the way.

Those of you moved by my somewhat... passionately depressed... previous blog entry. (To see raw depression and frustration captured in Blog form, see below.) Well, I'm feeling better, due to three major external influences:

1. Eating a nice dinner. Or at any rate, a McDonald's dinner. A cheeseburger and fries never tasted so good.
2. The passage of time. As they say, it heals all wounds.
3. Writing it out. I took it on myself to write a little play. Nothing big... it's actually too much like Half-Past for me to do anything with. But I took some of the frustration I was feeling earlier and transformed it into a creative endeavor, which effecitvely satisfied my long-burning desire to write something of substance. And for that, I feel much better. It's a short (10-page) scene, which finds a hero dealing with being dumped, his overbearing (and underbearing) friends, and a guy who just doesn't like him. The structure is a little muddy and my desire to complete the writing session means that it wraps up rather tightly for my taste, but still... it has some neat little dialogue. I might put it on Interneta sometime, just for yuks.

I also talked to Coral today, and with her problems, she hleped me put things in perspective.

I'm feeling much better.

Way to be, Scott. I hope this lasts me. Keep on Rockin'
Scott.

VI: Trying my best, for what it's worth.

I don't even know, man.

Those out there who know me... such you may... might think it somewhat unlikely that I'd ever be depressed. This is probably because you don't know me very well, like most people. Everyone, I think, who doesn't read this Blog, and even some who do, and don't understand it.

The fact is that I'm such a withdrawn and miserly person that it's a wonder I ever get anything done at all. I only have a sense of humour as a courtesy to others - because they might at least profit from my eternal misery, which is for the most part not their fault; whoever he or she may be. Circumstance is the true architect of my depression. I can't even truly express or explain it. It just is. It is now, and has been for a very long time.

I'm sorry if you're only finding any of this out for the first time. I wasn't always like this. I can remember quite clearly the last time I was genuinely happy. In fact, I captured it on this Blog. It was back in July. It was when I finished working on the script for Ana and was compensated. I had just finished something I loved doing, I was with a girl, I was happy. I don't know what happened since then. Like i said, the circumstances of my life just happen to have changed, and so here I am. Perhaps beyond depressed in every facet of my life. In fact, I even seem to have gone about creating new facets of my life to be depressed about.

I truthfully don't know why I went to improv today. I think I was visibly depressed, but the only one who seemed to notice this was Becky. We all played and I did my best to be funny, although I wasn't feeling particularly funny. As you get more into it, you can really fake funniness (is this a word?) if you know how to do it. I even almost snapped right out of it, but then afterward, we were hanging out, and the conversation took a turn for the worse and I just got really pissed. I haven't really recovered from that. In fact, after we all dispersed, I spent about 20 minutes wandering around the Football field, just being depressed and talking to myself.

I'm not feeling particularly loved at the moment.

In fact, I'm feeling like I live a completely shallow and empty life serving only to please others while I sit alone and rot. I could deal with this, if I didn't feel unloved.

As you can tell, I'm extremely bitter at the moment.

Somebody, please.

Keep on Rockin'...
Scott.
(He said, with a sigh.)

V: Fly Away from Here.

What a fuckin' day.

It started when I woke up late and got to school late, subjecting me to the ridicule of the other kids in Commtech and Mr. Andrews. Josh also wasn't here so I couldn't really bring myself to do any work. Then, in Food School, I tore my shoulder a bit and had to go to the office.

The capper really came when some jackass pulled the fire alarm and I was stuck outside in the cold for like a half hour... I dunno how long it actually was, but it was too damn long.

Top this off with the fact that I haven't started writing those scripts I was supposed to for the Christmas assembly (I actually did start prior to the posting of this blog entry,) and the fact that I'm, well, still living the life I was yesterday, and you've got a nasty little day there.

Oh, and then here I am, trying to help at dinner, and Eric snaps at me because he doesn't like the way I said "What?" He yelled for no good reason before I finally kindly got him to shut the fuck up... but he's still been muttering "Jesus" and "Fuck" under his breath for the past 10 minutes. Yeah, like we don't all got problems buddy.

And people wonder why I hate being at home these days?

Keep on Rockin.... God I gotta try.
Scott.

IV: A Link to the Past

Ate some Russian chocolate yesterday. My advice to the Russians? Import some Snickers, because your candy sucks. Or perhaps it's because we looked up the expiry date on the back and it turns out it went bad in August. Yowza yowza.

Today, went all the way to Welland (uh, where?) for a Bowling tournement. Did crappy, let's move on. House is empty, they must be out getting food or something.

I've started cutting my ties with the world of Internet Comic reviewing. Maybe not severing them altogehter but at least loosening them. I've gone on a "hiatus" from sites like ComiXtreme and ComiX-Fan, of indefinite length. I'm just tired of it, man. Deadlines I can't possibly meet, readers whose repsonses I can't always put up with, shelling out money for books I buy for the express purpose of complaining about them online? What am I doing to myself? People don't live this way.

Yesterday, I satiated my love of hot, crowded, noisey public places by going to the mall for lunch. That's right, I actually chose for myself to visit the mall, on a Saturday, during the month of December. Am I nuts? Or did I just really want a Mama Burger? Also, visited Doug at HMV. That was fun.

No overly long, philisophical thoughts for you today. I have a feeling that I've exhausted those. I mean, I could bitch about how I'm lacking inspiration or how I'm alone in the world or how I just can't keep doing what I'm doing... but I think I lack inspiration to the point where I can't even muster up an original way to say all that!

Unless I just did...

Keep on Rockin'
Scott.

III: The Nickname I Gave Myself

What a day, muthafuckas!

Ah, the long-awaited PA day. Last time I had a PA Day, I was packing for Thanksgiving in North Bay. I don't even remember what I did that day.

I got to sleep in today. Sleep in! When was the last time I slept in? On a weekday no less? Okay, Thursday doesn't count - I forgot to set my alarm and was up by 8. Today, I got to rest easy until 10 (although Mom forgot my rule about close the motherfuckin' bathroom door when you use the motherfuckin' blow dryer.) I went out for some coffee nice and early, hung around the house while Eric went out, and even worked on a new Project for Interneta, that should be started by the end of the weekend, depending on my laziness. This was a really nice PA day.

Talked to Dad today; he elaborated on his thoughts on Drama night, some of which I will now share with you:

"I didn't know you were doing Improv." "Who was in charge of the sound?" "Obviously, most of the people in the audience don't know what Commedia is." "How many bank robberies did I see? ...Felt like a dozen." "You did a good Arlequin ... So did the girl in the second one" [Alyssa.] "The excerpts from Streetcar Named Desire were pretty good." "I liked the gibberish ones." "You could hardly understand what some of those people were saying." "Oh, they were going into the future?" [About Kyle/Angela/Jess/Matt's.] And of course, when I told him that Mrs. Blair left after the 2nd act, he asked "Why, too long for her?" So at least I've got a better record of what he thought than "Alright but long, see ya later."

I've been tooling around with writing all day. Eric and I did some work on the next ish of Sewerman, also continued on a story I was writing but stopped. I'm feeling a new surge of creative energy that I severely don't want to waste. It's not being directed, and hence... this new Interneta project. In addition to that, I might add a new message board to Interneta, just because it seems the site is incomplete without one.

Trying my best not to be depressed. Keep on Rockin'
*Scott

II: Revolution Rock

Once there was a man. A young man, still in school. He was a smart guy, but the tragedies of his life had left him broken. Not scarred for life. Scarred for now. After a series of abandonments, he was left hollow. He became a wanderer, moving from place to place without any sense of purpose. Once, he was a vibrant young man with nothing but good ahead of him, seemingly. And now he could barely manage a weary smile.

Well, he didn't get depressed at this situation, no. He kept on wandering. Someday, he thought, someday, I'll find a place. Though things often looked bleak, he was constantly maintaining an optimistic outlook. He continued to wander, occasionally finding a small group of people who he felt were not unlike him. Each time, however, when he was beginning to feel like he belonged, the community would be rendered asunder, by circumstance if not by action. For years, he remained without a place, but he took his pain and turned it into something. He used the unfortunate circumstances of his life and began fashioning them into something resembling a sense of humour. If I can't be happy, was his logic, I'll at least make other happy. But was this enough to ever really fit in? He had wandered far too long, and while there were many people willing to befriend a guy who was "funny," the years had left him too hardened, too closed off to ever truly belong. He continued to associate with people, to try and reach out, to escape this maddening existence, but for all his frantic tries, would he ever succeed?

This, obviously, is my life. And while I've done my best over the past year or so to try and reach out, nothing seems to be taking. Must I forever be doomed to be a wanderer?

Though I try my best to show it, you may never know truly who I am, None of you. My family doesn't know. My friends at school don't know. They know parts of me, but I think that my existence is just too wide a concept for anybody to truly grasp.

I try, man, I try... but I'm a wanderer.

Someday, I hope to get a fresh start.

Keep on Rockin'
Mr. Williams

I: Drama Night Blues

Abbudsujufudah. I just* got back from WOSS Drama Night. (*been back for about 20 minutes) and I can't shake this feeling that I just gave a performance to a seething wall of hatred, rathern than an actual audience. To keep a large group of people in a room for 3 hours, well, by the end they're gonna be pretty surly. They weren't havin' it.

For posterity, I'd like to record how much of a fuckup this night was. I knew it was going wrong when Rosser didn't show up today... he was sick. Apparently, he was near death in First and had to go home. This left us to self-manage ourselves, and Mrs. Blair in charge of the tech runs. I don't know her very well, but I don't like her. The audience was clearly unenthused by the bland mix of Grade 12 Commedias, Grade 10 music videos and Grade 9 Bank Robberies. There was an occasional variation, but still... it was a dense combination that lacked variety (the problem inherent in restricting the night to class performances.) The whole night. it was a blemish, roughly the size of the 2004 "WOSS Fringe Fesitval" (aka 7 plays call it quits one after another.) The difference here is that I too felt the negativity. And of course, since Rosser wasn't here, that meant that the night was obviously not for marks, and the whole thing was just a time-consuming waste that wreaked havoc with students, bored adults, and annoyed techies. It was no good to anyone. And Mrs. Blair also, apparently, declined to take a leadership role in the actual production, making herself a member of the audience for most of it, and vacating the premises before the end, effectively leaving Mr. Margetts in charge. The whole thing has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I'd like to move on, but of course... there's not really much else to talk about. This was my day. I stayed from 3 until 10 just kinda... chillin', preppin', coolin' the heels. Nothing interesting happened at school (although I did learn the complexities of lettuce in Hospitality.) I re-read Maus part II while waiting to perform. That's about it.

It's not that anybody did really bad. All the groups I saw were good, especially all those Commedia Performances. The problem was that the audience didn't get Commedia. Should've foreseen that, but didn't. There were laughs, but they didn't see the full spectre of it.

Well, that's all my bitching for tonight. Keep on Rockin
Your Man Scott