35: Hind Legs

Do you know dreams are bad when you're having them? Or is only upon waking and putting it all back together that you realize how bad it was?

Last night, LinkedIn happened to show me the profile page of one of the people Indigo hired after I left. She seems like a real go-getter, someone who has put a lot of focus and direction on mastering the art of inventory analysis, someone who was primed to take the opportunity that opened up when I -- and my former colleague shortly after -- left.

I did not want to see this. It stirred up in me a lot of complicated feelings that I had to spend the rest of the evening privately sorting through. Was I still happy that I left? Yes, I reminded myself. I was withering to death there. But was it all that bad? Did I take my job for granted? Am I qualified for anything else -- hell, would I even be qualified for the job that I did for nearly a decade? Will I ever find work again, or am I fucked?

This minor existential crisis bled into my subconscious, leading to a dream on that theme as I grabbed a bit of sleep between Mel's "let's face it, you're never getting up this early" alarm, and my eventual wakening. Now, of course, it's all kind of faded. Yesterday I had a dream about an old high school friend inviting me over to his house and being weirdly immature.

I'm still a little rankled, of course, still sensitive to the idea that I threw away a steady paycheck for nothing, no direction, no destination. That I'll never find a job that makes sense for me to have. Job searching would be tough enough if it weren't for the twin frustrations of prevalent AI (I will not work for a company that touts its usage of AI) and forced in-office work. There are times when it's necessary, but I have to be true to myself and only be open to jobs that are more remote than not. I would seriously consider a job that is just in this town, where the commute was negligible, but in general it's very hard to hit the appropriate shard of the Venn Diagram here. And we knew it would be, too.

I'm trying to do something that will make me some money, albeit not a lot, in the meantime. You know how it is. But it stubbornly refuses to get done.

The weekend was fairly active. It began on Friday, actually, as the day before while I was in the city I got a message from Papa H, asking whether I would be interested in having him come over to help put up the lights and such, since his weekend was starting to fill up -- Laura and Ryan have recently moved into their new house and there's lots of to-do for them. I said sure, and made sure there was a fresh pot of coffee on for him. We sat and chatted, just about this-and-that, before putting up the lights.

Saturday night we went out to Toronto for a long-delayed visit with the BoPo gals, who have been trying to arrange an outing for Indian food since the summer. Mel had said she woke up with all these ideas of what to do with the day, but we had to be on a train shortly after 5, so most of the afternoon was preparations for leaving. That was fine, the one thing she ended up getting to do was read. She mentioned giving Christmas cards to all the girls and their guys, and I made a really dumb crack that made it seem like I thought it was a stupid idea, the kind of error I'm normally much better than. We reconciled but it took a lot of prostrating on my part and I just didn't have that kind of time. Basically all I was saying was we should stick some chocolates onto them rather than just giving unadorned cards, and I would have liked a head's up to make time to make that happen, but I was very, very careless with my choice of words.

Anyway, we did work it out. The route to the restaurant took us through the old neighborhood, of course, which got me feeling very nostalgic, although I think Mel was unfazed as she didn't roam the area as much as I did, and probably lives more in the present than I do.

The food was great, as was the company, although I felt like I didn't say or contribute much beyond discussion of my job search (which had been big news the last time we saw everyone at Namita's birthday, but ironically Namita hadn't heard it then) and of everyone's dogs.

Afterward, we extended the night by going down Queen's Quay -- again, prompting nostalgia -- to a Christmas Bar. It seemed like it was going to be a bit of a wait to get in, but a party arrived where all but two out of seven or something no-showed, so there was miraculously room for all of us. We had drinks in Santasaurus cups and Namita's boyfriend bought us all shots, which got us free cups. I hung in there gamely but was pretty ready to go by the time we split and caught the 11:17 train home to see Hankey. I snoozed on the train somewhat.

Sunday was sort of a lazy day -- After finishing Pop Culture Jeopardy, I spent it cleaning off the kitchen table that had accumulated much clutter, intent on moving our side shelf over to clear space for the Christmas Tree, but didn't get that far. Meanwhile, Mel was having struggles with her knitting that I was called on to assist on. So whatever, you know, I'll do whatever I can to help. I don't mind whatever we spend our time doing as long as we're not overextending ourselves. So there's still a bunch of stuff as-yet undone, but I don't mind or feel bad about it... yet.

Life continues apace as we head into That Time Of Year. Think I'll go attempt a chore.

Keep on rockin'

-Scott

34: 7/16ths (a little less than half)

I am typing this to you with my thumbs (which surely means typos as well as brevity.) It was not my intention. I had booted up my computer, which had run out of juice after being unplugged (but off -- allegedly) all day and this logged me out. Oh well, we'll get em next time.

It is 9:11 PM on Thursday night but it feels a bit like A Million O'Clock. I'm tired from a long day with way more walking than was probably necessary. I went into the city for a dental appointment, which was at 9:30, because why not, I was going in with Mel anyway. She had a day at the downtown office followed by a holiday party at Spin (from which she has not yet returned or even indicated she is on a train.) My dental appt was originally on Monday but I got it switched to synchronize with her day downtown.

All is well in my mouth, except as always I need to floss more, and I think I am actually getting to the point where I take such things seriously and act on them. I really want to!

I then scheduled a lunch meetup with Tony, which I walked to from the dentist in an attempt to save on Subway fare. We then walked to St. Lawrence Market and had some seafood, in my case a nice lobster bisque, which felt appropriate given the frigid weather (although we did eat outside, where we had some privacy.) Also I had had a late breakfast after the dentist's. We talked about professional (and nonprofessional) woes, personal stuff, aging, philosophy, polyamory (his.) The convo wasn't quite as far-ranging as it sometimes is, but it was certainly a very full two hours. We ended up walking a lot more.

Mel and I have been going through it in the last few weeks. We have unfortunately had to go back to the drawing board on surrogacy as our hoped-for match fell through due to irreconcileable differences. It hurts but it is ultimately the move we have to make. There are some things you can give on and some you can't. It was hard to process in some ways. Saturday morning, lots of tears were shed, and then we spent Sunday and Monday in bed just sort of... healing, you know? We brought a tv into the bedroom and watched Pop Culture Jeopardy.

Incidentally, a few weeks ago when we went on a walk together we found a tv by the side of the road and I thought hey, I could sell this. Then my spare TV, the smaller one I had back when I lived at mom's took a tumble (I had been stacking it on a precarious pile of books) and it became useful to us. Sometimes life gives you exact change. RIP to that, sorry it went down like this.

Saturday, after dealing with hardship, we went to Mel's parents to decorate their tree. It was relatively successful and undramatic as these things go. Dad and Deb watched Hank for us, since Jake was there.

November has been a'ight, other than the awful parts. I don't feel like getting down on myself for my efforts or lack thereof. I am doing what I can. It could always be more though, and obligations are stacking up. Seeing friends the next few weekends. Papa H is coming over tomorrow to help put up Christmas lights, so that's a thing. Getting tires done Nov 27. Then before you know, it is Christmas.

Okay, my digits are tired and I've poured myself out, and Mel confirmed herself 8n transit sometime ago anyway, and the R.E.M. softies playlist I am listening to is almost over. I did some rare realname writing this week, in addition to some blogging at my other site. If I'm not careful I might get some momentum.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

33: Forgetting How To Fly

Yes, we did it, the long-awaited, long-delayed title I've been thinking of. Was it worth the wait? History will decide.

I'm writing this post to you at 8:53 AM. I've already been awake for about two hours. I found myself slowly slipping out of sleep at about quarter to 7, then spent a bit of time mucking about in bed with my phone before coming downstairs and walking Hankey around 7:30. From there, the usual routine -- coffee and a bagel with Wordle and other games for me. Breakfast for Hank and Mel, who was also up a little on the early side. I wonder if this is all a knock-on effect of Fall Back. Today's an odd day, but it has potential as long as the coffee is flowing.

Let's start off by celebrating some ups before we go over the downs. I've been powering up my job search lately. There are times when it really hits home that I could definitely use some kind of income. All this faffing about is nice and yeah it's worth a buck or two in the short run, but you've literally got to roll up your sleeves and work. It can feel so frustrating and futile to be on the hunt, which I always knew it would be which is why I didn't quit sooner. But keeping active is important and I've found some good prospects -- and some not-so-good prospects -- over the last few days that have me feeling energized.

There's part of me that thinks I might never have a real job again, and that I really need to find my way into some kind of alternative situation, but since I don't have the mindset for true freelancing I don't know what that is. Time will tell.

The downs are that there have been a lot of bureaucratic and other setbacks in life lately. Now, we did successfully navigate our mortgage refinance, which was onerous but ultimately necessary and worthwhile, after a lot of unforced errors in legal and insurance. There are other things going on with surrogacy that we're frustrated with and are going to have to come to a resolution on soon one way or the other. But I'll give you a banter-friendly one, which is the story of the chair. See, Mel's wanted a new chair for months now, so we finally up and ordered her one that looked good. It came promptly but as I set about assembling it I realized that one component on the base was misshapen. After some back and forth it finally arrived after two weeks, at which point I put the chair together... only to find that the arms are non-adjustable and a bit low. Augh! Nobody's fault of course, but a real shame. Mel is trying to make it work but I've told her not to force herself to go through with something that makes her unhappy. After all, a chair is a pretty important part of your work environment.

This past Tuesday, Mel went into the office to say farewell to one of her bosses, leaving me to my own devices. I walked over to the Shoppers to get my COVID and Flu shot, which is good because the last thing I want in the world is to ever have COVID again (Mel had already gotten hers at her doctor's a few weeks ago.) I watched a movie and faffed for most of the day, making a crummy dinner instead of ordering something (I'd picked up a burger on my way home from Shoppers so I didn't want to spend twice.) Today I've got a lot on my agenda, getting gas, picking up meds for Hank, picking up Mel's library book, going back to Shoppers and getting other sundries. We're out of dishwasher packets, which was surprising to me. I also have to do a ton of stuff with the yard in the next few days, and soon take the car in to get the tires changed as the weather has been cooling precipitously.

I've felt very inspired lately but have been unable to spend much time concentrating on writing. Part of that is that Hank has lately been demanding a second walk midway through the morning, usually between 10:30 and 11:30, so I either get interrupted or have to just be ready. I think this is a side-effect of his anti-itch meds, but I don't know. It's not like he has to use the bathroom much more, but he has energy to get out. But this has largely taken the place of his evening walks, which we sometimes struggled to make time for so it's overall a wash.

In spite of affronts from several corners of life, I guess this is actually one of the more optimistic and positive-themed posts of late. I've certainly felt worse. For all my financial and other woes, if I try to imagine life without having quit, it feels miserable. It's only when I look at my bank account that I think maybe I made a wrong decision. In all other facets, it's as I expected and generally pleasant. I just have to remember that this isn't all free play time (although I did give a very serious effort to trying to extract some money out of play-for-pay apps, none of which will net you more than a few bucks for your time.)

So with that, you can keep on rockin'

-Scotto

32: Sitting in a dark cavern underground with my fingers in my ears

Still not using the title I had figured would be the next one, but it's in my pocket for later.

I don't even know where to begin. The real world has been a stressful place lately, difficult to navigate. A lot of the times my problems are my own doing due to obliviousness, haplessness, lack of planning, but right now, I'm in the hell of other people. There's some light on the other side of the tunnel, but... hm.

I started this post two days ago on Friday (Oct 31) afternoon, became diverted from it, and just got back to it. A lot's already happened, so let me start at the end and work my way back.

Last night was Game 7 of the World Series, in which the Toronto Blue Jays hosted the LA Dodgers. The Blue Jays making it to the Series -- and seemingly having a shot to win it -- obviously caused a buzz in our sphere. Game 6 was held on Halloween night and we elected not to watch even though it could have been the night that the Jays won the championship. We had a recording on and instead decided, while we gave out candy (although trick or treating was mostly done by the time the game came on) to watch Fear Street, which was a surprisingly dark and gory take on RL Stine material. I wasn't sure what to make of it but by the end of the second one I was quite enjoying it and looking forward to the third. Plus the music supervisor really earned their paycheck (Mel actively squealed with delight when they played "Machinehead" -- too briefly for her tastes -- in the 1994 instalment.) 

Anyway. The Jays didn't win that night, going to Saturday's Game 7, at which time we were going to be at my dad's for Eric's birthday. There was some fuss over the whole thing as we had originally planned to go see our friends from BoPo on the long-delayed couples dinner that night but Namita is a huge baseball fan there was no way she would go out if there was a Game 7, and we ended up cancelling before we knew one way or the other. So much the better. It was fixing a nice, quiet night -- kind of -- as Dad and Deb were hosting Deb's high school friend Cathy (she didn't specify whether it was with a C or a K) an RMT who lives on a farm near Listowel and had some clients in Mississauga, so she didn't want to drive home in the dark. That's a fair situation and very kind of  dad and Deb, but somewhat inconvenient as this was after all both a family gathering and sure to be a long night. I should also note that the dinner was originally scheduled for Sunday night, which would have made a big difference (and convenient for us since we are going to Oakville again today for Mel's hair appointment) but Eric was only available for Saturday and it's kind of important he be there.

Kathy... a very nice lady, but somehow the living embodiment of Wellington county. Really, very salt of the Earth and well-meaning, but perhaps not someone I would want to spend 6 hours with, four of which were watching a ballgame, which I should note she was very into, cheering on the players and demanding they hit home runs and throw strikes. Also not-infrequently asking what inning it was.

Anyway, with or without that it was very exciting, until the Jays slipped late in the game and ended up losing in the 11th inning. What are you gonna do. The bats just weren't batting, after a certain point. WE finally got home around, what, 12:30, after quickly dispersing once the game was over, in a haze of despondency. For Mel and I, who were the least invested, we just wanted to get to bed.

The upside of sports though is that they give you something to think about other than your own problems, of which we have many ,as indicated in the beginning of this post. The last few weeks have felt like a neverending parade of bureaucratic potholes, negotiations and indignities. As I said, they're not even the ones I bring on myself, normally. We've spent the last several months refinancing our mortgage, with me playing traffic controller between the lawyers and the insurance and other parties. Among the setbacks was when we law clerk booked us for a meeting... on the previous Monday. We got that straightened out but it was the kind of unforced error that doesn't feel good. Then there's the surrogacy, which, between you and me, has hit a snag we're not sure we can bounce back from and has really put a dark shadow over our house. We're trying not to think about it too much but at the same time we're hanging on by a thread. More tangibly, Mel ordered a chair and I was all set to put it together but a fairly important piece (well I guess they're all important) was defective and it has taken over a week to get it sent to us, being due to arrive on Wednesday. Pretty miffed about that.

Still out of work. Still struggling with money. Still facing an uncertain, directionless future, so, you know. Monday.

In a bit of brightness, last Sunday we went to the Howl-o-ween market after finally putting the finishing touches on Hank's corn costume, spending Saturday assembling it. This is something that Mel has been looking forward to for a long time, including having Hank's costume ready. It was great, except that as soon as we got it on him he shook and the leaves we had hot glued to the sides flew right off with no way to re-secure them (we had brought tape but it wasn't taping.) So he went as a shucked ear of corn and most people got it and liked it and anyway it was more creative than the numerous store-bought costumes (hot dogs, tacos -- which Hank was last year as you'll recall -- bees, etc. Actually I liked the bees.) Hank isn't always sure what to make of other dogs but he was playful with a dog named Joey who was dressed as a cowboy and that was delightful to see. The volunteers remembered Hank and awed over him, and that was nice. It was a beautiful day weather-wise, and a huge turnout, and we didn't spend any money except on a couple of ciders. Didn't even feel the need to get any tacos from the taco truck. We even managed to get a parking space.

So it was good. We're making time for good things and trying to have a nice life while things are crummy around us, but at least the mortgage is done.

Hank seems ready for his walk, and I think that covers all the hard news, which is great because it forces me to forgo the existential quandry of it all and focus on the here and now.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Addendum the following day:

Just to talk a bit more about how Saturday went, we had wanted to get some bagels from Bagel Barn, which is one of our favourite spots but also all the way across town, and when I got back it turned out Mel's was burnt beyond being edible, so I went all the way back and got them to re-make it, which they were glad to do, and even said I could get a free sandwich later (although the process for this seems a little loosey-goosey.) It was hectic and time-consuming but damn were the bagels good in the end. After that we went on a long walk with Hank, with Mel saying let's go to the park and Hank reluctant to turn around and come back (in general he doesn't like to reverse directions without, say, crossing a street.) So we spent a while sitting at the park and fussing with him, and also there was an entire loaf of bread (??) loose on the ground at the playground. I don't know what is up with all this loose food in this town, I s2g.

Anyway, that's more of what life is like here in October, now November, 2025.

KOR-SAW