XXI: Familiar suspicions (further than before)

You'll never get me.

It's been a weird week I guess. I mean, it was my birthday on Tuesday. I wasn't really feeling any kind of way about it this year. I'm 39, I've been saying I'm 39 for a while now, I sometimes even round up to 40 because why not. I refer to myself as "middle-aged" and "old" in ways intended to own it and destigmatize it and simply state is as facts, but lest I make anyone near my age feel bad for referring to myself that way, I clarify, I've been old since I was in my 20's. I felt like a crusty old dude when I was behind the counter at HMV.

It's tough having your birthday and being in a weird place in your life. Obviously, I had just had that really terrible job interview but had somehow snagged a second one, which was scheduled for the next day. Being long-term unemployed is no picnic and not something we go around bragging about. One day is very like another, but you just happen to point to this one and think you should be something else today. I don't know.

The day was good. Well, it was normal. I mostly spent it with Hank because Mel was working, and I was occasionally fielding well wishes from family and friends on text and Facebook. We went out to diner at The Keg, sat on the patio, had the usual. Mel knew our server from high school although they weren't close or anything. I got gifts and felt loved.

The interview felt a lot more normal than the previous one, and I wasn't particularly sore about it right after, although it isn't a spoiler to say that I didn't end up getting the job. And then I did get sore about it, because they had the gall to say "We value your time!" when it's been kind of clear from the start I had no chance. I really did feel my time had been wasted! No, seriously, when I applied they said (in a clear form letter) "We like your background!" And when I submitted my case study, they said (in clearly another form letter) "We loved your case study!" When in fact, in reviewing my case study, it was clear I did not give them at all what they had hoped for, and that when it came time to interrogate my background they didn't understand what I was even doing applying. They guy asked me, in something that really stuck in my craw the more I thought about it, "Why don't you go for another data analysis role?" And the answer is quite obviously, because I either don't fuckin' want one, or I can't seem to get one, asshole! but I endeavored to put a flattering spin on that. I had tried to bridge the gap between my lack of relevant experience and my ability to learn a role, but they didn't bite. Nobody bites. Nobody wants to take a chance on someone. The world isn't really built for people like me, who aren't purpose-build for Some Job.

I need something else to do, man. I need to make 'em all sorry (even though they won't be.)

Onward and upward, I guess, even though I feel unlikely to move on or up.

So, I was pretty dispirited and glum heading into the weekend, which sucked because I had this big party in my own honor, and it would have been nice to at least be in limbo and able to say "Hey, I've had some interviews, we'll see." Instead when people asked what I was up to I could only say "Back to the drawing board" (although I didn't use that exact phrase, I don't think.)

Ah, the party, what a production. Cleaned the house top to bottom just so folks could walk through it. I mean, it definitely was in need. The kitchen got a good scrub, which was important because we had so many people using it. Picking up the food was a minor debacle, because they had lost my proof of payment, which ultimately came down to the person who cashed me out doing it improperly, causing some weird discrepancy. I eventually went home and got my receipt, which was a big waste of time, but, the woman at Fortinos was so embarrassed at the flap she gave me free ice. Also, a few days earlier when I'd ordered, my brain short-circuited how many buns I was supposed to get and I went way overboard, which I kept castigating myself for and/or joking about, ad nauseum.

I hurried home, but people didn't start arriving until well after 2 anyway. First Mom, then Aunt Karen and Ali. Mel had been out walking Hank, but eventually she came back. Eric then arrived, then Mel's parents  with Nonna around 3, Dad and Deb roughly at the same time, then Lori, Gail and Cam, and eventually Unc, Sherlie and the kids. So it was a pretty full house with everyone crammed into our backyard. But the chat was lively, an interesting mix of people who don't see much of each other. Mom and Dad played nice, seemingly. Hank was very popular as always. I drew on the patio with the kids. Mom rekindled her friendship with Nonna. Mama and Papa H were helpful with the cleanup. I was kind of all over the map personally, not spending too much time with any individual person (I did make a point to have a chat with Eric regarding some of my recent endeavors) but it was just nice to have a successful event.

There was, of course, way too much food. The salads were a hit but we probably only needed one meat tray, and the aforementioned bun issues. Lots of people brought desserts, so we could probably have skipped those even though our selections, particularly the cannoli, were a hit. I didn't ask anyone to bring anything, except offhandedly to Brandon a few weeks earlier in a remark I had forgotten about, so he brought mini doughnuts. Dad n' Deb brought both lemon meringue pie and a coffee cake, and Lori and Gail had brought some kind of white chocolate dufflet. I had some of as much of everything as I could, so show I was a darn good sport. Karen had brought Brie and crackers, which I also thought was nice. I literally didn't think anyone was going to bring anything besides booze. And chairs.

We sent some buns home with Mel's parents, and Nonna, and some of whatever else we could offload, but still have a lot. Mel has already said she never wants to think about cold cuts again after we had a second sandwich when everyone had left, so I don't know what we're going to do. The kitchen's back to being a mess. I konked out in front of the TV while we watched a true crime miniseries, and then we went to bed and I felt too keyed up to sleep. I was generally happy with the way things went and learned a lot for the future.

Today was a lot more chill. We went to Williams, had our bagels and coffee with Hank on the patio then came back and read outside. Hank was digging in the garden, to our annoyance, so we bathed him in the grass. It's been the definition of a lazy Sunday, and Mel's up there napping. We'll probably have nachos for dinner and either finish our doc or watch Perfect Match.

June is going to have to be something of a reset for me. I don't know what that means but I need to focus and take action. Something must be done.

As always, I have no idea what that could possibly look like.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

XX: Controlled Burn

You know, it's too early to say the effects of the French Revolution.

I allude to this famous quote because I'm writing to you from the center of a very strange moment. This morning was my job interview. I had an alarm for 7ish, but I found myself coming out of my sleep at five to 6, so I was like... "Fine?" I laid there for a bit and maybe even briefly rested before Mel's 7:30 alarm went off and I figured I was best off just getting to it. I filled my morning with whatever I needed-- coffee, bagel, Wordle, scrolling. Walked Hank. Finally, the interview time came.

Forty minutes later, I came out of it feeling like I'd been in a car wreck. I had been slammed, spin, turned around, and probably injured. Oh my God, it was rough. I didn't feel like I had said anything right. Everything just seemed a little wrong and the more I spoke the more wrong turns I made. I was in quicksand, to mix a metaphor. As she was correcting me on everything, walking me through her feedback, I made sure to be gracious and openly seem to be taking notes about it. I thought maybe if nothing else, they might think "This guy is coachable" (and I like to think I am!) There was some positivity toward the end, when I asked about the remote work culture, occasional WeWork sessions, what have you. I thought perhaps she was being polite but it didn't sound like she'd ruled me out.

As soon as we hung up, I stood up, staggered upstairs, let Hank out of Mel's office and just... flopped on the bed. I felt heavy. My head was swimming. I was sure I had screwed up my first good opportunity in months. Quickly it became an existential crisis: if not this, what? Who could ever take a chance on me?? Where was I going?? What could I possibly do??? I sat sulking in these feelings and playing words until my body felt okay to walk Hank.

So I went out -- beautiful sunny day, getting warmer. I listened to wrestling podcast. I kept checking my phone because I figured they were fast getting back to me last time, it wouldn't be long before the rejection came down.

About halfway through, I got the email... "We're excited to move you forward!" Excuse me, what? Forward to the trash pole, you mean? No, no, I checked twice. This is real. I've got another interview on Wednesday.

I'm completely baffled, but hey, sure. I'll take it. I mean, when I thought I had biffed it hard, I was feeling sour about it -- like, why would I want a job I was so clearly unsuited for? -- but now I'm like, sure, let's get it.

It's not so unlike previous experiences. I wasn't sure I had succeeded in the interview when I got picked to do the Optimization project so many years ago. And then the subsequent one to become an Inventory Analyst, I know I whiffed a few questions, and I actually didn't get the job at first, I had to wait for another opening to miraculously come up due to someone else getting let go.

And then there was the time I had what I thought was a really good interview at Harper, and didn't get it after they even asked for my references (I suspect sabotage!) So you never can tell.

Beyond that, I mean, it's been the weekend. It was rainy, and Hank didn't like that. We went out to the mall for Mel's nails, and we were hoping for the garden center, but again, rain. Mel had to work much of Sunday, and we had had a late night the night before so we had gotten a late start, so it kind of passed in a haze. It was what it was. We're putting together this gathering for my birthday. I don't know, I was just kind of ruminating on how we're always going here there and everywhere and how much it takes it out of us, so I figured let's just corral everyone here. Maybe insane.

Which reminds me, I have a ton of cleaning to do, plus a dentist appointment on Thursday. So that'll be that.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

XIX: TOYS

My brain is going a mile a minute. It's 2:30 AM on a Friday morning and my mind is overloaded. I'm having a lot of thoughts about the state of the world, but also my life and things I want to do. Things I am writing or could write. I was tossing and turning in bed, couldn't get comfortable, couldn't settle down, couldn't slide into my usual tricks. Hm. I had a bit of heartburn and took some Tums.

I've got a job interview coming up. I applied for this role doing customer support for a healthcare hiring app. I know little about that world but I have plenty of transferable skills and I like to think I'm a quick study. The thing that appealed to me is that it is fully remote with seemingly considerable autonomy, and it's not a job teaching AI what apples look like or whatever. The payscale is a net positive over what I was making at Indigo, so that sure doesn't hurt.

When I applied, they said they liked my background, so they sent me a case study. The idea was to look over a portfolio of clients and lost which ones got top priority. I was grateful for this sort of thing. That's the kind of deal that got me to Indigo home office on the first place. If someone gives me a chance, I can show my stuff. It says a lot about me that this stuff really fires me up.

I worked on it a bit on Friday, taking their raw data and pivoting it (actually making a bespoke summary table - pivot tables are overrated.) But the project was starting to overwhelm so I left it for Tuesday, when Mel was at the office on Oakville for her dentist appt. I didn't know this at the time but I had 7 days to complete it. (This information was somewhere easy to miss.)

I hemmed and hawed a long while over the material, thinking I had the answer but continuing to tilt it around until I came up with a variation I liked. I wrote a summary, then I had to make a video explaining my top choice. They said for it to be under 3 minutes. I barely cleared 1. This made me feel self-conscious: had I underthought it? Was I -- as I have been cautioned in the distant past -- too succinct? Well, it was authentically me, and if they wanted me, this would be what they got.

The next day they emailed to say they "loved" my response (it felt like a form letter albeit with unusually effusive language) and to book an interview. The interview, they said, would mostly be to further discuss the case study. I don't know why, it's all there, but if there's time to talk more about the job we will. The interview is Monday morning.

I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic, but there's part of me that wants to feel like it's all but a done deal, that this is my next job. There's certainly a nice symmetry to it, getting my new gig literally just a year after ending my old one. But it hasn't happened yet, and I need to steady myself, not counting chickens before they hatch.

I'm just very ready to be drawing a salary again, to stabilize that part of my life. To not feel like I rely fully on Mel's income, and to be able to get back to saving (and paying down the modest debt I've accrued in that time) and just generally ensure we can do whatever we want with our finances.

Weirdly, being so close to a potential job makes me feel a bit like the pressure's off, if only for a bit. I don't have to feel bad about lazing around for much of the day because I might not be unemployed much longer. And for all the help I accepted, all the paths I pursued, it would be something I got on my own... which it doesn't need to be, but does feel strangely like a point of pride.

I still have that writing submission in the back of my mind. Boy, 6-8 weeks ends up feeling like a long time when you're waiting around. Not that I'm expecting much, but it's out there for whoever sees it to do whatever with it.

Other things have fallen by the wayside, and I'm not particularly mad about it (although as my mind is demonstrating tonight, it's always buzzing around my psyche) but the comic blog has reached a milestone moment, the creative change-up in 2001. It was one of those things, you know. "I want to get to 1981. Then how far to 1995? Then how much further to 2001?" It was just over 9 years, plugging away at my own pace. What a ride, and it's far from over. What a thing to spend so much time on for so long.

Well, I think I have excised my brain enough to at least try to sleep again, let's see how it goes.

Keep on rockon'

Scotto

XVIII: High and Dry

It would be inaccurate to say I haven't had much time to sit down and write in this thing lately. Of course I have nothing but time. But I vacillate between manically trying to get as much done in the pursuit of my personal goals, and feeling disillusioned about those selfsame goals and reverting to doing nothing. All while trying to care for the family in my way.

I wouldn't say that nothing has happened lately, but it hasn't been a very eventful spring. I go on lots of dog walks. Mel is overworked. We find time on the weekends to spend time together. We have gone for coffee at Williams a few times, and once to Pur and Simple, our first ever sit-in outing there. We scramble to figure out what to have for lunch and then dinner. The weather has been struggling to get warm, only just yesterday starting to see about 20 degrees.

Last weekend was Mother's Day, which we marked with a brunch at Mel's parents' place. It was fixing to be kind of a fraught situation, since, with Laura's pregnancy, Mel is the odd woman out, but she was treated well and we actually ended up having a pretty good day -- albeit a long one, since Unc and Sherlie were arriving later so we ended up kind of having two meals, which was actually fine. My only issue is that while I was watching Noah, I let him tumble down the stairs and bop his head, and I felt absolutely terrible. Mel and I haven't discussed it, although Unc absolved me as this sort of thing happens and even Sherlie didn't seem too concerned beyond comforting the boy.

Friday, Mel had off for an extra-long weekend, so we went to Williams with Hank and sat on the patio. It was just a smidge chilly out there, breezy, so we didn't stay long, and Hank was antsy anyway. Then we went to the park and walked him around, partly so Mel could get steps toward a fundraiser she's doing through work. 

Yesterday was Brandon's birthday, but Mel had realized, the week before, that she had tickets to an event, so she had to miss it. She was definitely missed as she tends to foster conversation, but you know, we muddled through. Today we'll be at mom's.

Like I said, it's fairly uneventful. Just a lot of coffee consumption, bureaucracy (I got my RRSP changed over, literally a year after I stopped working at Indigo) getting the car fixed (every time we get the tires changed they discover something else that needs doing) and some writing and job application. I actually have a decent lead right now, but we'll see how it turns out. Absent a job to ask me about (which would probably not have much news anyway) I get asked about "my course" which I have been a bit delinquent in, but at least that enables me to pivot and complain about the strange invocation of "AI credits" in my learning path that I had never heard of before.

I also heard that my old colleague James was let go from Indigo, so we had a long talk about that. It seems like he got a raw deal, but at least he got a package. His only sore point is that his manager "won," but you know, getting that full severance after being terminated without cause could in some way be considered a victory. Perhaps pyrrhic. 

Yatta yatta yatta.

We've been watching old Degrassi as comfort food. I also came up with this scheme where we'd pick a random year and choose a bunch of movies to watch from then, and Mel selected 2003. So far we've watched Daredevil, Old School, Monster and American Splendor, plus 2002's Scooby-Doo because Hope Davis' style in American Splendor was giving Velma. Coming up: Thirteen, Gili, maybe Lost in Translation.

I think that will be my statement for today.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto