V: The Long Way Through a Shortcut (Navigation)

Five posts in January, eh? What year is this? Well, I guess it's the year of unemployment. Lots of time to deal with the thoughts swirling around.

Snow is falling, gently and/or aggressively (depending on the gusts of wind) outside my back window. We're supposed to get some 22 centimeters of snow in the next 48 hours. That's a fair bit to contend with but hardly a disaster. It's January. It's very January.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Back before the end of the year we had gotten tickets to see Kimberly Akimbo as a way of using up Mel's "do what you love" credit. We had initially planned to see Mrs. Doubtfire, but when looking at the available shows we changed directions and decided to see something we knew nothing about.

Prior to that, we'd been in something of a cold snap, with temperatures "feeling like" -21 or so, meaning it was really too cold to take Hank out, although we did briefly for some pee since he was getting antsy in the evening on Friday. We had our day strategized out. The cold was due to break (although it was still very cold, just the warning was being lifted) so I took him in the morning, followed by a quick breakfast from Tim's Horton. Noting the long line at the drive through (a white truck and gray crossover at the back) I went in and got my food, coming out just as those two cars were getting up to make their order.

It was a bit frazzly to get out in good time, but we made it, even with Mel cataloging all the things that dismayed her about the state of her house. I admit, I "should" clean more, but it's hard to get the incentive. We said goodbye to Hankey and gave him a puzzle to play with as we went, packing our usual back of amusements for the train.

As we got to the station, Mel noticed the lack of cars in the parking lot and wondered if maybe there weren't any trains today, and had I checked? I figured that probably nobody wants to go anywhere on such a cold day and there's nothing going on, no big deal. But we got to the tap-on vestibule and checked the screen and it noted that trains were only running to Oakville due to construction, at which point it was replaced by buses. If I had checked the GO website I would have seen a big red alert saying so, but alas I had used Google maps to plan the trip. It really should be second nature to be like "How is GO trying to fuck me over this weekend?" instead of trusting that things will mostly go to plan.

Mel, I should note, does not like being on GO buses. That was out of the question. And there was a bit of shade thrown at me for not planning the trip better but it's not for lack of trying. 

So she proposed we drive to Kipling Station and take the subway downtown, which was especially good since our theatre was at Yonge-Bloor on the Green line anyway. I looked up the directions and you know what, it seemed doable. Certainly not much worse than spending an hour on the train, maybe in some sense better for timing. So I drove, and Mel put her audiobook on the car sound system, the new Carley Fortune, and it was pretty nice, with any and all irritation dissipating pretty quickly once we were on the road, and as we got close I pointed out notes of interest in the area where Aunt Lori and Gail used to live. Kipling station was this monstrous fortress we had trouble navigating, but we got to the subway decently. We read, but I was a little distracted thinking about how many stops were left so I stopped early.

We got to Yorkville in good time, found a washroom for Mel (wending our way through another gargantuan complex of a shopping center) and going a few blocks in the cold to get to the theatre. At one point Mel expressed doubt I knew where I was going but come on, it was pretty simple, we were right on Yonge south of Bloor.

The show was good. I think we had both kind of forgotten what it was about so we were surprised when the lead actress was so much older than everyone else, but it's about a teenage girl with a disease that makes her look 4x as old so there you go. It was quirky and funny and while we didn't really walk out humming any of the songs, it was a goo few hours of entertainment. We split a pop and some chocolate covered almonds.

After that we had a bit of time, although not as much a I'd thought as I had thought we'd reserved dinner for 6:30 but it was actually 6. So thinking we had an hour and a half we went to a board game cafe, not to play anything but just to sit and chill. If I'd known we only had an hour we probably would have proceeded toward the restaurant and hung around there, but, hey, whatever. We placed an order and it took a while to get to us, at which time we realized we had a lot less time to kill than we thought, so we pounded our iced coffees and went.

Dinner was at Earl's. We had looked for a place near the theatre, which Earl's was, but then we thought we should book at the location near Union because at the time it was assumed that was where we needed to be. So we went down to the financial district and got there right on time for our res. Mel had a zero proof cocktail and I had a beer. We ordered calamari, steak & sushi (asking if we could hold the unagi) and truffle tortellini with chicken, all to share. We almost got the tacos instead of that last bit but decided the tortellini was a bit more adventurous. The steak & sushi was great, the tortellini was just okay. I'll admit that Mel's mania for plate-sharing is something I just go along with because if it had been up to me I might have ordered the oven-roasted salmon, since it's been a long time since I had a good piece of salmon I didn't cook myself (I do a pretty good salmon but it's too easy to over or undercook so my average is not perfect.) But doing that is both a unifying experience and a way to try a variety of things and honestly, it's not like any of it wasn't good. Again, the steak and sushi (torched salmon, which we never get) was great.

We talked. We talked about what all there is to talk about: her work, our fertility journey, my professional development. I do hold back a bit because there are things I don't say, obviously, because I don't want her to know about my sideline, but at the same time it's not like I can lie to her about what all I'm doing. Part of me thinks I should just finish what I'm working on right now and be done, forever or for a while. It's not a very profitable way to spend time and yet it's also the most profitable way I can spend time right now, so it's a double-edged thing.

We took the subway back up to Bloor -- it wasn't running between St. Andrew and St. George, because of course it wasn't, but that only added a couple of stops all things considered. Mel listened to some more of her book ("Won't you be jealous?" she asked, since I wouldn't be able to hear; I told her I could catch up.) I read some more of mine, again putting it away slightly early and minding the stops we were making. At Kipling, we again struggled to navigate the labyrinth but made our way out. At one point we went up the wrong elevator but I was a good enough sport not to rub it in that she had led us astray ;)

We found our car and set up the book again but alas, the dongle was running low on battery and giving us the annoying chime as we tried to listen, much to Mel's dismay. We put in the directions how to get home -- really just to the highway -- from the station, which I thought would have taken us back to Bloor, but instead it routed us down Kipling. Which was fine, but the instructions were confusing to my copilot (not blaming her, ahem ahem) and we missed our on to the Gardiner, but that led to us just proceeding right to the QEW and frankly a somewhat easier drive home. 

We got in around 10, dealt with Hankey's pent-up energy and fed him, and set Mel up with her audiobook (the reason for the rush to listen to it is that she only has it for a few more days.) I stayed up only a little bit longer before curling up in bed with her. Mel was supposed to have a hair appointment today but it's been canceled due to the inclement weather. I think we're going to try to stay in.

We're planning various things for the next week, including a day in the office for Mel which may translate to a day in the city for me. Not ideal in this weather but it is what it is. Imagine if I were still working!

And on and on it continues. Hopefully we'll have some cozy times.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

IV: Find Bliss (Questions of Access)

The question on my mind lately: do I relax too much?

I have, obviously, entire days to fill. I have my own personal projects that keep me busy, some of which I can talk about with others, some not. I apply for jobs as often as I feel is appropriate, but it's been less lately. I recently had a couple of applications that I felt aligned strongly with my experience, abilities, wants and needs, but didn't get an interview for either. This isn't unexpected, but the expectation doesn't keep it from being dismaying. So that's caused me to step back somewhat.

While Mel is upstairs busting her ass and getting yelled at for logging on 15 minutes after 9, I'm down here lollygagging, enjoying my morning coffee and games. But there's also Hank to look after, which is sometimes easy and sometimes not. I'm responsible for being her arms out to the world, getting lunch and anything else she needs like water or tums. She was going to go to the city tomorrow and I was going to go with her, to see Tony for lunch, but she decided she couldn't go. I inquired whether it made sense for me to still go, but I didn't want her to go unfed and uncared-for.

Back to me. My attempts at personal and professional development aren't the most hard-charging, but they're not nonexistent. I feel like having to be on-call for both Mel and Hank prevents me from getting too much momentum in any direction. It's not like I read a lot or watch TV while she's working, but by the same token I have to be careful that whatever I start can be paused any moment.

Do I relax too much? Do I worry that I seem like I relax too much? That I am a sponge, taking and taking without giving back? I don't think anyone would argue that's the case, and yet it's not like I'm furiously cleaning the house all day.

Back to those jobs. I decided to bite the bullet and get some professional development going, taking courses in the kinds of coding that are commonly requested in jobs I apply for. It's not free and I wouldn't say it's cheap but I got a fair price for what I need. I just need to follow through. I've taken one intro course and it was ai'ght. I need to make it a regular thing.

Meanwhile, I have my finger on the trigger of some other thing, an attempt to radically change directions, but I haven't quite psyched myself into it yet. Realistically, it will just be a failure at something I would be more excited about than doing inventory for an online linen company, but no matter how many times I say that, I still fear both the rejection and the possibility of success. This dual phobia is the thing I understand least about myself.

The snow from last week has hung around, and the temps have dropped, making walking Hank a bit of a tricky prospect, making everyone want to get cozy in their PJs.

We spent the weekend being cozy, mostly. Mel had booked a nail appointment on Saturday and I went along for a pedicure, which was well-timed because I had noticed an excess of dead skin on my feet the last time I showered. There's nothing wrong or unmanly about getting a pedicure, it's literally getting a woman to take care of your feet. We got breakfast at A&W, then I bummed around while she got her nails painted, followed by a bit more shopping at the mall and some other running around before we came home to watch Younger on Netflix. Sunday was pure chill. Monday was "blue monday" although I didn't listen to the New Order song.

I think that about covers it. This has been a refreshingly neutral post, nothing to celebrate but not existentially angsting. I had a bad coffee this morning but finished it dutifully and moved on to a better-tasting cup of decaf. I think the carafe makes better coffee than the single, but I can only drink so much and then it goes stale. Alas.

These being the sorts of problems I have are why I wonder if I'm too at ease.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

III: Come On & On

Let's take a minute together. It's been another one of those Weird Normal Weeks and I'm feeling feelings, which I don't like. But there's good and bad here.

Monday feels like a month ago. Or at least two weeks. My memory starts on Tuesday. Mel went into the office in Oakville. She was a little late in getting there and got a talking-to about start times, which I think is unfair, but that's how it goes in the corporate world. It does seem to have rattled her as she ended up setting her alarm earlier so that she could be at her desk for the requested time. And of course that doesn't stop her boss from keeping her late on calls by more than an hour. But again, that's how it goes.

While Mel was away, I had a pretty productive day, tidying and scrubbing things, and starting a new writing project that is going well (although I ought to finish some of what else is on my plate). I applied for a few jobs this week (which shouldn't be big news, I should be applying for plenty of jobs every week.) These were the jobs that moist closely matched my profile and experience, and I awoke this morning to rejections for both, no interview. One I'm not beat up about, one I'm actually kind of disappointed, and in the end it's like... these should be the people who at least want to interview me. If I can't get these jobs, what am I going to do?

I'm running low on options. I could press on and keep running into the wall, but I have a few options ahead of me, none of which stands to be any more likely but probably have higher potential. One is that I can invest in myself, level up my resume a bit. I had a call with a colleague of Mel's last week, and he admitted that whatever his feelings about me or anything, there are certain skills I would need to acquire to be considered for a role there. SQL, Python, HCM stuff. Okay. Not impossible. Maybe not enjoyable but not impossible. There's a lot of overlap with other roles I'm looking at so it qould behoove me.

The other is to take a script I wrote back in December and see if I could get some representation. I'm not even trying to get it made but I think it would be a good representation of my skills to sell me to a staff or something. Problem is, that's a very tricky biz to get into. Who knows. But writing is all I do well, the only thing I do that makes me stand out from other people (well, I'm actually a very good Inventory Analyst but people can't seem to understand that.) And it's something I'd do for little money because then I'd be spending my time doing something I like. I think. Right?

Well, who knows. Right now I'm paralyzed trying to decide on a direction, neither of which has any kind of guarantee (what does?)

But hey... writing.

Tuesday, we also got Kelsey's, with Mel and I agreeing she/we deserved a nice dinner. We're not millionaires by any stretch, but we're entitled to a pick-me-up or a perk from time to time. Wednesday was (?) and then Thursday, we got dumped on with like a foot or more of snow overnight. Very fortunate that I had put the car in the garage the night before. Hank did not want to go for his walk so I let him curl up on the couch in his sweater while I wrote in my robe. We were snowed in but luckily didn't need to leave the house for anything. By the evening, the driveway had been cleared (this is what I pay condo fees for) so Hank was willing to go. Before this we had a call with a new agency as we resume our surrogacy journey. Then we threw together some dinner of leftovers and cheeze n chips and watched our new old show, Younger.

I spent a lot of yesterday on Instagram. I don't generally, but I went on to post as Hank (I've been admonished to do more as his social media mgr) and ended up getting served up lots of food for thought by the algorithm that I put in a plethora of stories. Today, who knows. It does feel half-gone and yet just starting. I'm listening to a snow day playlist. In general I don't listen to enough music lately. Put on some Bowie, "Where Are We Now?" a perfect winter song.

That'll do.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

II: Reminders

It's been kind of a weird week in terms of normal weeks. I haven't been able to get much focus time to write or do job searching, which is fine because I've been doing stuff that is necessary. Yesterday I spent an hour or so driving to Hamilton and back to pick up some new sweatpants Mel had bought on Marketplace. It seems like a lot of effort, and it was -- Hamilton driving is not my idea of a good time, and while the city itself is close half the time you are wending your way through its Byzantine streets -- but Mel had really wanted the pants. She had agreed to buy them a few weeks ago but then they were sold out from under her, but then they mysteriously re-appeared so we pounced. Besides, what else was I gonna do with my day?

Don't answer that.

There seems to be a lot going on to fill these days. Monday we had a counseling session. We found out our counselor is leaving the org we are working with so we have to decide whether to continue with her or find a new counselor. 

Tuesday I had a call with a potential employer (at Mel's company) to see what I would need to do to become a good candidate. Turns out it's a fair bit. We'll see. Then we ordered Chinese food (my treat to myself since I had cooked several days in a row and Mel had brought up 'when are we gonna get Chinese again?') and spent the night working on a puzzle. We've been puzzling a fair bit lately, after not doing so for like a year. First we tackled the 500-piece Mandarin drink menu puzzle we'd sorted last year but never did, then brought up a 1000-piece Kellogg's vintage puzzle from the dollar store (surprisingly challenging given its provenance, but we got it done in a few nights.) Maybe our next one won't be food-and-drink themed.

Wednesday Unc asked us the night before to come look after Noah while Sophia is still in the hospital in Hamilton. We were happy to help, though it meant uprooting Mel's workstation, which caused some difficulty in getting started, and we also forgot her cord (she packed her own bag but I didn't think about how she usually needs me to crawl under the desk to get the cord.) Before her computer ran out of power I ended up going to a nearby(-ish) computer store and getting what she needed, which she rationalized as, now she has a spare one she can keep in her bag. Plus she can claim it. 

I was on Noah duty, which felt daunting, but I had good instructions and Mel to fall back on even though she was on calls most of the day. I'm pretty good at folks who communicate non-verbally -- dogs and babies and whatnot. It was a bit tricky to keep him quiet given Mel was on calls -- I didn't want him to cry too much. Probably the biggest challenge was naptime as he really wanted to stay up and cry some more. I eventually got him to sleep by singing Billy Joel's "For The Longest Time" and then The Who's "Baba O'Riley" while I rocked him. Unc watched on the camera as I slowly rolled him over to sleep, laughing a bit about my technique. Apparently it was also good news that he was eating and drinking as much as he did, Unc was impressed he finished his bottle, but I had no idea there would be a problem -- from my view, he chugged the b*tch.

The whole experience brought up a lot of feelings between me and Mel, things that are hard to parse and process and that this isn't really the venue for (I know, self-censorship, what a concept.) A lot of it actually had to do with how early we had to getup to go to Unc's in the first place, and how mornings don't agree with Mel and what that might mean for a dedicated task like raising your own child. For my own sake it reminded me of what I left behind when I left my job and haven't seen 6:00 in a long while (although actually we'd been tapped to go to Unc's on the weekend, which would have been another early start, but got called off at the last minute, letting Mel rest and me to sit in my early morning haze.)

It's an open issue. Who knows what the future holds.

Unc had offered to stop off at the Ethnic grocery store (I'm not being glib, it's literally called Ethnic!) to get us some Chinese, but we had not only had it the night before (he called after we'd eaten) but also brought leftovers for lunch. We had sushi instead, which is adjacent but distinct. Unc ended up buying a bit too much for three people, so we took some home (mostly sashimi, I don't expect rolls to last) and took some to Sherlie. I was a bit anxious to get home because by that point we'd left Hank cooped up in the bedroom for the whole day.

Yesterday, we had another call relating to surrogacy and got some really good information, leads and assistance. One thing I've learned is that you have to take help where you can get it and that nobody does it alone.

Beyond that, I'm casting about looking for ways to be useful and fulfilled. Yesterday I did some tidying at Mel's behest, which I really should do more of, but wah.

That'll be it for me today, though. We'll see where Fridy takes us.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

I: Third Hand

The year ended on a nice quiet note. There were a few days between our last family visit and New Year's Eve where it's impossible to remember what day it was or what was happening. Mel started knitting a blanket for Laura, we started another audiobook. At Mel's behest we watched Heated Rivalry over and over.

It may not necessarily have been a white Christmas but it was certainly a white New Year, as the stuff was coming down and making the road's hazardous. I know that because some guy honked at me when I yielded?? In the turning lane?? Like, are you on the same road I am?? Ugh, people.

We got build-your-own nachos from Black Bull, which has been our tradition, but I think we have to concede that, between the new grocery store chips and the quality of the meat, that maybe my nachos are just better and we need not spend such money anymore. We marked the night by watching a cheesy 2000's teen comedy that seemed like a pretty random thing to do, and then played our At-Home Escape Room, which was fun and we did really well at, until the final puzzle where I don't think we were set up for success. Ah well. I would still do it again. Really great gift. We did our usual thing of writing down words for the year (and in retrospect mine sounded a bit like a corporate seminar) and the thing we always say we're going to do where we put down our best memories from each month. Turns out we did a lot of great stuff in 2025! You love to see it.

On Jan 1, found myself on Instagram posting year-end stuff and looking at other peoples' accounts, and I got that sick feeling you get in your stomach when other people post about how good their lives are and it makes you go insane with jealousy and bitterness. But I took a walk and realized, what do I have to be envious of? I have a good life with a person who loves me, and I have Hank, which nobody else does. Money isn't great and we may be everything we want to be as a couple or as people, but we have it good and it was important for me to take a moment appreciate that. I told Mel all this and she was happy.

We also spent some time getting started on the next phase of our surrogacy, because why wait.

Mel went back to work on Friday the 2nd, much to her chagrin as there was static being handed down from the get-go.

This morning I have a nice cup of coffee -- I ground some of the beans Mel got me -- and had some Hankey cuddles in my nice robe. I spent some time yesterday thinking about what I can do for myself in 2026 and I don't quite have the answer but I have some directions to pursue.

So we'll leave off on that ambiguous note. Keep on rockin'

-Scotto