I: And War Came.

Oh, SWP, you know I'll never leave you. Not forever. You'll always be in my heart.

I was reminiscing today, about how no matter how many other blog type media I use, I'll never feel like I have a platform to write myself into existence like this one. That doesn't mean I think I'll be writing here more often now. I've known for a long time that SWP is never going to be as important in my life as it was years ago. It would be way too nostalgic not to acknowledge that. I was in school, and my whole lifestyle led to me thinking so many million thoughts a day, and needing SWP to get a handle on them, to mold them back into the image of my day. Or something. Things are different, and I don't have that urgent need to spill.

It's not that nothing happens anymore, it's that there are fewer things I need to talk about and in fact more things I need NOT to talk about. A lot has happened in the six or so months (!!) since I last wrote here. Some of it I might never feel the urge to divulge, although I could see them becoming Declassified after the statute of limitations ends, maybe sooner than later. I went to Vancouver back in August, my first cross-country adventure, and wound up with some stories that I just can't put into words. And they would not be good words, if I could.

There's been some dating, breaking my long stint as a solo artist going back to nearly the beginning of the blog. There have been lucky breaks, brief eras of company, and the occasional regrettable one-off, but this is real. The first time we went out, I mused, "Hey, this could get awkward. It's been a long time since I went on a date where everyone agreed it was a date." She expressed similar sentiments and we powered through. Since then it's going good, except when it's not. I mean for my part, that just means fighting off my second-guesses and insecurities, which I've been doing well, but there's an issue of distance. Right when we started this, she moved, although she still works in Oakville Place, although it hasn't been as practical as we hoped. We have a good thing going, though, and I'd hate to fuck it up.

Since this all started, I've been placated lately. For a long time I had myself convinced - not inaccurately, I think - that if I wanted anything good in life I would seriously have to change the norm. Get out of here, find a new job, new life, new surroundings, new self. Take action - which I'm historically bad at. Instead, all I needed was patience, which historically I'm good at. I still need to change, in the long run, but that pressing need, that carrot at the end of the stick, isn't there anymore.

Still, I was re-reading relatively recent posts, and I came across this gem from the New Year:

I'm in a better place right now than when I began last year, or even for a lot of last year. 2011 was the year I evened out some. 2012 will have to be the year things change, somehow or other, maybe not all at once. I do expect to be in a different place in my life in 365 days' time (assuming we make it out of this year alive) and if I'm back here next January telling you "Boy, what a crazy Christmas at the store" I'll probably be miserable about it.

OH God I just cursed myself. I take it back! This job is a wonderful fallback job! I enjoy it and I'm good at it, the co-workers are great, I could totally see myself still here in a year!

Well, you called it, January 1, Scotto. You're a savvy guy. Nice save, too, on the job. Yes, I still feel like I should, or have started to, outgrow this place, but sadly it's still good to me and the world outside is scary. But the times, well... they are a-becoming quite different.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto