T: Oases

I'm having an okay morning. Hank was a little rambunctious after his walk so I ended up taking him out again and letting him run a bit more. It's cool out. It's been raining a lot lately after the previous week's heatwave. We're going to Mel's parents' later. I applied for some jobs yesterday, I'm thinking about my professional destiny, my money, how to fit in being and doing what I want to between the necessary tasks of living life.

It was an okay week. Like all weeks, it felt long, so that by Friday, Monday felt very distant. On Monday we took Hank in the car for the first time, and aside from the drama around getting him in there he was a pretty good passenger. It was to go to Mel's doctor's appointment, during which I just walked him around and let him sniff the parking lot grass.

The week proceeded. I was physically at the office. It's such a weird deal because they let me go home early. So I suppose I should be grateful. All the work gets done. I'm up early to walk Hank anyway so I'm no longer disgruntled about that but there's still lingering bitterness that will never be resolved and I still feel like the company is not where I need to be anymore. It's as much a personal thing as anything else: needs and wants. At the same time, the job market is not exactly alive with promise, so who really knows. I continue to dabble, to chisel my way out a la Shawshank, but it's slow goings and takes more resolve than I probably have. I make a little bit of money doing things I like on the side, my little rebellion grabbing time back from work when I can and mostly on the train home or on weekend mornings like this one.

On Tuesday, I went to lunch with Chi Hoe and the folks from Kobo, which was nice and not very business-focussed, just chitchat. Later in the week, Ryan at work passed me an ARC of a book about R.E.M., after we discovered a mutual fandom for them. The way I lit up when he asked if I liked them, I probably haven't done in a professional setting in years, if ever. I have a lot of other books on the go but am determined to prioritize this one. 

We were supposed to have our doggie adoption interview on Friday but it got moved to Monday -- which we weren't overly pleased about, and we're a little nervous, but we still feel like it will work out.

Yesterday was mostly good, Mel finished her audiobook and we decided to have Boston Pizza for dinner, which hit. We were watching a true crime doc but it was running late I said, at about 1:30, "I can't do another episode," and Mel did not really want to hear that so we went to bed salty and I'm hoping that things are chill this morning. I didn't mean to be mean, but I was literally sleeping through the last 2 episodes. When we got into bed she was snoring before I was, although that doesn't mean deep sleep, it certainly doesn't hurt.

Today I rest. I did a bit of reading and prep for the blog but no writing. I'm far enough ahead for now. We have tomorrow and the day after to do whatever. Like I said, BBQ later -- yes, it's a little cool but it should be a nice day and I'll bring a hoodie, you know?

Well, there's not much more to it than that but I was glad to check in.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Addendum:

Popping back in to add this, because I want to say, having Hank has really improved our life. A lot of our energy previously was spent worrying and stressing over things we could not control or influence, so having this organism that depends on us and demands our attention and enables us to focus our energy into something instead of just letting it radiate out of us has really put us at our ease. Whatever our disappointments and disgruntlements about daily life, we go to bed thinking of him and wake up doing the same. Life is easier in some ways without a dog, but considerably less enjoyable in our case. If we don't get to keep him it will be a pretty big disappointment, because if we're going to have a dog I really feel it should be him. He just clicked into our routine very easily. The idea of not succeeding in this interview makes me sad and fills me with dread, I'm more nervous about it than any job interview I've ever been on because the stakes are that high.

That's all

KOR-SAW

S: Dedication to the Cause

I think my main problem with my job as it is right now (and will probably always be going forward until I quit) is that they've basically taken from me all my time to dream. Not being concerned about transit and logistics freed my mind to follow other pursuits. Now I'm feeling all this static, and the urgent need to get out of this situation is straining against a lack of ability -- or perceived lack of ability, which is the same thing -- to do so. I can't focus on other things. Sometimes I feel very motivated to put energy toward other things, notions that I have of what else I could be doing that could be my future, but none of it feels very realistic. Oh, I could be writing a story or a novel or a screenplay, or I could be learning this or that with Coursera and improving my chances at different careers... but none of it feels real. It all feels like play-pretend and this, this job, this commute, this rhythm is my life. There's a quixotic sort of futility to trying to do anything else.

I don't like that, I'm so mad about it. There's this pervasive feeling down to my bones that there is no way out and I'm stuck.

All this was to say why I'm writing this in the middle of the afternoon on a Monday instead of late at night like I had often done recently. There is no late at night for me anymore. I'm always tired. My life revolves mostly around the commute and Hank, although the commute is only three days per week. But as previously indicated, those days feel long and grueling (even when they are shortened) and the whole thing leaves me so little time to dream.

We just had such a good status quo, I really took it for granted that the good times wouldn't end. I'm bitter about it all right now, and will be for quite some time going forward. It's so suffocating to know that there's seemingly no way out, and my getting this job was actually a diversion from my regularly planned trajectory of nothingness.

My brain hurts too much to think of anything else to do.

At least I have Hank, a happily snoozing dog who spends his days with me when I'm home. That's been pretty good. This weekend we had to leave him alone in his crate a little bit while we did running around and spent Father's Day with Mel's family. It was a hectic weekend to be sure, without a huge amount of "us" time, but life is like that sometimes. You just take your lumps.

I wish I had more for you, and I wish that more-ness was good and nice, but I've turned out my pockets and it looks like that's all I've got.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

R: Out of gas a half a mile down the road

We can't keep meeting like this.

I've got a strange kind of melancholy. Several details of my life are not exactly what I would like them to be and I'm having a hard time with it. That's old news though. Work, blah. The endless journey of fertility, blah. I mean, these are big deals but they're well-trod territory.

Last night we went and got Hank, our new foster dog. It was kind of a whole to-do, given he was coming in on a flight at nearly midnight, and to pick him up we had to borrow my dad's car, which is far, far advanced over ours (yes, as of this week it is our car, not one we are long-term borrowing as Mel was able to find some time during the week to get that done!) We went to Mel's parents' for dinner and to help with some stuff (I thought maybe Papa H needed help putting the barbeque together but he got it worked out, just needed help moving it and the old one), and to hang out until we figured it was time to go. I was fighting tiredness since I had been pretty active all day/week, but behind the wheel I was alert and fine.

Driving a strange car late at night to a distant place I don't usually go was a very dislocating experience. I got the feel for the car pretty quickly but it was huge and you had to be careful of the blind spot (I only got tripped up on this once.) We got to the airport a little early after a slight detour thanks to a miscommunication with the GPS, but ended up waiting in the cell phone lot for about 2 hours while the dogs were offloaded, in what was represented to us as an unusual amount of time. It was not a super-fun experience but it was kind of intimate to just sit there in the dark and people watch together, so that was nice. I just wish we had brought snacks.

We got our boy and brought him home, getting in around 3. We spent some time letting him sniff around and accept our pets, he was very sweet all night. We finally went to bed after 4, and unfortunately I got up early with or without the alarm.

Today we've just kind of been letting him chill. He really likes it in his crate. One issue is that he wasn't fitted with a proper collar and harness as we were told he would be, so I had to go out and pick some up first thing in the morning, and if I'm being honest, the stuff available at CT and Wal-Mart (the only places open before 9 that sell pet stuff... besides maybe the dollar store) was not really good, so I had to make a second trip in the afternoon but it did the trick in the sense of having somewhere to latch his leashes (which I also had to buy) for the duration of his brief pee break. Luckily, he is not a bolter. Now I think I've got it.

So it's bittersweet because I'm happy we have the dog, but it's disruptive to an already very unstable and borderline untenable lifestyle we have, with my commute and some health problems Mel has been having.  It makes me sad that we didn't do this, I don't know, last year, even with everything else we had going on we would have easily been able to fit it in. And I would be home and life was just so much more... better then. Salad days.

So it's like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop, for things to go wrong (again,) for reality to pull the rug out from under us as it tends to do. In a way, I hope someone gets to adopt him soon, which is definitely not what Mel would want, but it would be a relief to know we got through the experience. Mel is already kind of like, "I love him, I want to keep him, let's be foster fails." And it's not for lack of love for the dog that that makes me antsy.

He's snoozing away, making adorable noises that I think are relaxation and not disgruntlement. I offered to let him out but he just kind of rolled over. Good boy.

We'll have more on this story as it develops

Keep on rockin

Scotto

Q: The Price One Tends to Pay

I'm about five minutes away from sleep if I have anything to say about it  ut I wanted to capture this moment.

It's Thursday. The week has been the week it's been. I've been none too happy about going to the office, but dutifully doing so despite the ongoing crises within me and my wife. It all feels very routine and yet nonetheless depressing for it. Wednesday was a 35th anniversary gathering for a senior official and my fellow IA's and I mostly stood in the corner shooting the shit and grousing about work. My job search continues apace and there's a lot to do around the house.

But anyway. Tonight I got back to Burlington and met Mel at her Doctor's appointment. Afterward we went out to dinner on a patio, shared a buffalo chicken sangwich, and talked and talked, then came home and watched some of the O.C. Things can be good sometimes even when the world is seemingly against us.

Rebuilding phase.

We might be getting somewhere.

Keep on rockin'

Scotto

P: Percussion

You ever feel like you've been swimming? You know that full body ache thst comes from spending a prolonged span of time in the pool? I've been getting that from life lately.

The rest of my birthday wasn't so bad. Had a chill day with Mel, and Laura came over with Jake and some doughnuts, and we ate our nice Keg dinner and relaxed. All I wanted was to do nothing and that is what I got.

I get the Sunday scaries a bit, even though I work from home Mondays because it feels like a small consolation. The middle chunk of the week is so gruelling and feels like a useless blur. I can't say enough how much I hate it. It puts me in such a despairing state of mind. I unloaded to Maria just how bad I've been feeling. She can't really do anything to help but I didn't see the point in keeping it in. I kind of tipped that I knew I wasn't going to be at Indigo much longer. I'm not stupid enough to quit without something to go to, but desperate times call for desperate measures, so who knows.

Let's not dwell on bad things today, we have so little time together.

I spent much of the week grappling with queries for the IA cleanup report. It actually kind of broke my laptop.

It was a good weekend, with the main bad part being that it was so short. Friday, we got lots of our banking stuff done, then Mel's parents came over and brought dinner, along with a bunch of stuff for the garage sale, which we spent the evening pricing. We got up around 8 to set things up (Mel was feeling anxies the night before but I told her she could rest as long as she needed.) It was a nice enough way to spend the day but ww only sold a few items, one of which being my remaining comics that I'd discovered since last year. This year we set on a full box price so I didn't get taken again. It was even the same lady -- and I did let her undercut me a bit but not too drastically this time.

I did a lap, saw the neighbors, including kne lady selling a nice picnic table for $400, best of luck. Mel cut into our profits by buying a few things, a DVD of a movie we'd tried to watch a few weeks ago, and some wall art.

After it was all packed up and the in laws took off, I let Mel rest while I did some runaround, doing a big Canadian Tire run and getting groceries. It was all of that that left me feeling Michael Phelpsy through to today. Today our only task was to drive out in the rain and pick up supplies for our next attempt at fostering a dog. Hank sounds like a chill dude, should be good. After that we did some crafting, finally putting together the vision boards we had started months ago, then I made us some pork tenderloin for dinner, as it was cheap at Fortino's and ai seem to be good at making it.

Mel conked out early so I came downstairs to... also conk out, actually. I dozed, then got up to tidy the kitchen and write all this on my phone because I had already turned off my computer. But I needed to get it all out because I'm not feeling awful for five minutes, so let's capture that.

I do wish I had more time to write lately. It feels like I shouls but unique events keep happening. I get it in when I can. I worry that we are almost through the days when I could count on a weekend morning fully to myself. But I had 4 years of that. Maybe that's all.

Well maybe that's a bit sad, but I did do some today and I bet I could do more another day soon. I know it's not possible to bang out a masterpiece on my lunchbreak but it's been proven I can sometimes put together some capable and lucrative smut on the train ride home.

Keep on rockin, you crazies

Scotto