10: A contract not to be entered into lightly

This is the first of two posts that I hope to write in very short succession because I believe I have something to say that will pull the focus of an entire post so it's worth separating out. I was going to go over all the other stuff first but it might hit differently with this context, so let's just get it out there.  

I quit my job two days ago.

Yes, yes, thank you, applause, applause, flowers, oh you shouldn't have. This is the reason why I haven't posted much this spring and I've kind of been talking around it in recent posts because it has really dominated my headspace to where almost nothing else matters.

The story begins back in February. I was having a perfectly average terrible winter, being a normal amount of miserable with the world and my life, being tired all the time and constantly in a hurry from here to there and back.

One random day back in February, I got notice that the following day -- Thursday -- there would be an all-staff meeting at 9 AM sharp, hosted by one of the VP's. That day, Mel was also planning to go into the office, so I knew it would be a hard time getting out of the house any earlier than we usually do, and thus make it to this meeting on time. Indeed, I did not arrive at the office until after the brief meeting had concluded, but I was tipped off by some of the others about what I had missed: our in-office days were being expanded from 3 to 4. Maria took me aside to fill me in on the details, noting how upset Phil had been that no IAs had made it to the meeting. She clarified that in addition to the extra day in the office, I would have to be sure to be there for 9 AM -- no more clemency for my usual 9:15-9:30 arrival (which I had admittedly been letting slip a little later recently so that I could sit and enjoy my bagel in peace instead of trucking all the way to my desk with it.)

I don't remember much about the brief chat except guardedly nodding my way through it while a single thought repeated in my mind: "I'm quitting. I'm quitting. I'm quitting. Holy shit, I'm quitting."

When I got back to my desk, I messaged Mel the update and asked if she had time to talk over what me quitting might look like, then I spent some time looking at job postings to make it really real.

I've wanted to quit on various occasions over the years, when stuff has happened relating to my career trajectory or when we were first clawed back to the office, but it always felt like idle rage, sound and fury signifying nothing that ultimately wasn't going to go anywhere. I made halfhearted attempts to find other work at times but never really had the energy to devote to it. This felt different.

Mel has wanted me to quite for a long time. She wanted me to quit rather than go back to the office. I take pride in my work, I enjoy the team, and most importantly, capitalism has brainwashed me into thinking I do not have value if I am not drawing a salary. I cannot be idle, not deliberately. Never mind that we can afford it (which not everyone can!!) it would simply be an unacceptable affront to my dignity to let my streak of employment lapse.

As recently as a few weekends before, we were in line for early voting and I was fumbling with my wallet to get my ID out. My keycard tumbled out to the floor and even then she took the opportunity to note, "I don't know why you haven't quit yet."

So this was different. I was quitting.

Why now and not then? Because of the one extra day? Well, yes and no. As I think I've explained by now, we don't actually have to do the extra day -- we've got kind of a loosey-goosey exception, thanks to Phil, that says we can stay home one of Tue-Wed-Thurs if we don't have any important cross-functional meetings that day. Mondays are a must and 9 AM is a must. Ok. Believe it or not, I had considered checking whether it would make sense to come in Mondays instead of Tuesdays or Thursdays, before this scheme came down. I spend all of Monday in meetings anyway so what good is it doing me to be home? (Except that Sunday night-Monday morning always creates a huge shock.) So, fine. If anything, it's the 9 AM thing that fucks me. I have to get up that much earlier -- the alarm goes off at 5:50 -- and I always feel like I'm in a hurry, and I come home tired and my life no longer syncs well with Mel (although that had certainly been the case all year.) I'm tired, I'm not enjoying life. My brain is foggy from lack of sleep. So what am I working for? Moreover where does it end?

It's incredibly privileged for me to be able to think this way. I have a safety net. Not everyone has that, which is a shame for them, but why suffer needlessly? Why be a martyr? My own boss has said that if she didn't have to come in to work, she wouldn't do this.

For a long while now, I've had this dim view of the landscape and I've known for a long time that there's no "next job" for me at Indigo. I deliberately avoided opportunities that came my way in the last year -- not that I believe I would have been a shoo-in, but jobs I could reasonably have been considered for -- and I needed, I don't know, one last straw to break the camel's back. If I don't feel I have a future here, and being here is preventing me from pursuing something else with my life, why am I staying besides occupying a chair and drawing a paycheck?

These are all the thoughts that have rolled around in my head for the last two months, as I tested this idea to see how committed I was to it, and whether I could talk myself out of it. I held firm, it felt like a done deal, but it was not so simple. At the end of March I still had some vacation days to take, and then there was a year-end bonus I had earned and wanted to make sure I secured. That's why this intention had been a tightly held secret for so long, although I gradually revealed it to family members as the time came. Only dad openly disapproved, saying he didn't like the idea of quitting before you had something else, but he reluctantly admitted that if keeping this job was preventing me from doing the work to find something, it made a certain sense. Mel seems to have thought that her mom wasn't sold on the idea, but when I saw her at Easter, she declared I was clearly burned out and she could tell all year.

Mom, naturally, was unquestionably supportive. Mind you she never quit a job without having something to go to (I think) but she's bought houses without a plan to sell her current one -- and given how well that's worked out one would think I would have second thoughts, but no.

My original plan was for my last day to be on May 9th, with me declaring my intentions to Maria on Monday April 21 -- three weeks notice. I had asked her for a "quick touchbase" that afternoon, and I was as nervous as I've ever been for any purpose. I delivered an opening line that I had fine-tuned in my head for some time: "It's time for me to part ways with Indigo" and her eyes widened. She congratulated me, and said she was sad for her but happy for me, and by way of explanation I didn't outline my grievances but I simply said it was time, and that if I didn't change this, nothing was going to change. She seemed to understand and in fact counseled me that the bonuses were not a done deal yet, so I should avoid putting anything in writing until I had a commitment in hand.

That ended up being Thursday, and on Friday, I delivered my official notice, with my final date ending up as May 15. Just past eight years to the day that I first walked into home office (the 9th would have been closer.)

There are still things to do, with me delivering the news to my direct partners on Monday, and much handover to take care of. I've told a few people, nobody at the office yet, and they've all been supportive and encouraging. I know a bit about what I am going to do, but I'm not giving any details because it's not a done deal. Notably, nobody has asked me why I would do such a thing, as of yet.

Although I had nerves when I first spoke to Maria about it, there were none when I submitted my notice. It was like when I got married. I had no nerves on the day of the ceremony because I knew in my heart that that was where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing. It was the same feeling. (My only wedding day jitters were over memorizing my vows, which I failed to do and needed prompting.) There was something very correct about saying goodbye to Indigo at this time, and I don't think there are any might-have-beens that I'm leaving unexplored.

And that's pretty much it. It's been weird walking around talking to people about the future and thinking "It's not important, none of this matters to me," (I'm a shockingly good liar for someone with no poker face.) We had a town hall all morning this Thursday that I paid zero attention to. I'm daydreaming about what to say by way of a farewell letter -- I've always dreamed of a bit ostentatious kiss-off, but I think I'll be congenial. It's not dishonest, I like the people more than I dislike the company.

Not sure what else to say about the matter, but there have been a lot of other happenings in the midst of all this that I will come back to discuss at my earliest convenience. It's a beautiful day -- Spring is springing at last -- and I am at the mall waiting for Mel to be done her nail appointment.

Things are... good??!

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

9: Dark Orange

It's a sunny day outside my window, and it might not even be that cold by now.

The early Spring of 2025 has been dreary and gray and cold. Fucking hell it's been cold here. Not like blizzard conditions mind you, but consistently between -5 and 5. This is of consequence to me of course because of all the different reasons I have to drag my ass out of the house day after day: two walks for Hank, commuting to and from work, and then whatever other errands I neglected on any given day.

It sounds whiny, and that it might very well be, but don't we deserve to whine a little? The word is shit, and life has ground me down a lot more than usual lately, can we not get at least somewhat better weather?

Mel's studying this afternoon for her second of three exams. I can't remember if I told you the whole business about the first one, which she sadly did not pass on her first attempt but came back and squeezed by on #2.

I've been quiet lately, not just because life has been relatively uneventful, but also because I'm waiting for something to happen. Or more accurately, I'm waiting for the time to come for me to take a certain action. It hasn't arrived yet but it is imminent and I'll have news for you on that front very soon. Until then I have to sort of talk around the issue.

What I can tell you is that work has been shittier than usual. That has nothing to do with the character of the work, mind you. It's the same work, same tasks, same philosophy as it ever was, the stuff I have long since mastered and can do with my allotted hours. I had my year-end conversation with Maria a few weeks back, and it was a total love fest, in spite of the fact that I was arriving later and leaving earlier than pretty much anybody. There was that ever-present note of speaking up and making your voice heard more and more, which I get -- I somewhat resent it, but I get it, there's a basis to that. I can accept that feedback even if, year after year, I'm really not sure what I'm supposed to do with it.

At the beginning of this month, of course, things changed. We got the news back in February that they wanted us back in office four days per week, which was shocking to hear even if it should have been expected. Later that day, Maria took me aside and said she'd gotten the okay from Phil to say that those on our team could take one day to work from home midweek, as long as we were here on Monday and did not stay home any day when we have some kind of cross-functional meeting. I'm not a huge fan of this much algebra to determine when I can stay home, but I am grateful for the compromise. So far I have stayed home Tuesdays. After Monday -- which always feels like a shock because of coming off the weekend -- I can use the day to catch up on things at my own pace, and then get in gear for the rest of the week. Previously, the chunk of three days in the middle of the week felt like a marathon that I was dead by the end of, and staying home Mondays never did me much good (besides having a good wakeup time) because of all the time I had to spend on calls. It's all well and good for now, I'm coping, but it does get me thinking about what the future holds.

I don't mind spending some time at the office. The people are fun, the vibe is good. Two days would be fine, three days it starts to feel like you live there. At any moment our exception feels like it could be pulled away from us and we'll be up to four. The other factor is, I was told by Maria in very clear terms that I needed to be there for 9 -- I could still dip out at 3:30, but I had to be there at 9, no ifs ands or buts. So I've been waking up at 5:50 lately to get Hank his walk, do what little routine I can before I go, and get the train -- either the 7:27 or 7:41. That gives me time to grab a bagel, which I've been doing at Mel's office rather than at the Bagel Stop on Simcoe lately, because they just burned my bagel one too many times, but I've never had anything but good experiences with the Bay Street one. It's out of my way but I have time and it's worth it. This gets me to my desk somewhere between 8:30 and 8:45 (depending on the train and other factors.) If I eat lunch at my desk, that's still technically 7 hours of work, which is pretty good right? (Allowing time for settling in, getting lunch if needed, and grabbing afternoon coffee). 

That 9 AM start is where the misery really is. I have no energy at all for a lot of the day, especially on Mondays, until the coffee kicks in and I'm bouncing off the walls for a few hours in the afternoon. Who wants to live like this? What does my life look like after a few more years of this?

I think you see where I'm going with this, but I don't want to count my chickens just yet.

So, that's all what's been going on. We saw Mom last weekend for Mel's belated birthday. We went to Mandarin but it was a little uninspired. She updated us on her house, work, and some family issues we didn't have the details on. Typical dinner with mom. We still have yet to see dad since he's been in the states and will be coming home soon -- hopefully.

Beyond that, I'm trying to find time to write and create, but I'm giving myself grace that life has changed and I need to adjust and not feel bad that I don't have the same amount of room for all the things I like to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm simply not doing it, but that may also be because I'm putting a lot of time into things that don't yield "results." I should enjoy it for its own sake more.

Anyway, that's life; Hank is being a bit of a whiny baby today but I can't give him all my attention. Sometimes we can't get what we want, you know?

Harsh but true. Thanks Mick.

Keep on rockin

-Scotto