008: Here is where they all come back

So, it's 12:20 on a school night and I am sitting in my living room tapping away at my tablet. It's been a while since I've checked in, but mostly nothing has happened, only various ways we have staved off quarantine cabin fever. Re-reading my last post, I'm surprised to find I have mostly covered it and there is no news. May proceeded as it was going to. Work was dull and unstimulating button-pushing even as pressure is applied to try to develop myself professionally and I dream of doing anything else while still trying to convince myself and my managers that here is where I belong and intend to stay (they don't want to spoonfeed me new projects and I'm not a great self-starter so we're at a standstill but there are ideas in the air of what to give me.) The stores are set to re-open so that will change the workflow and bring a sense of normalcy, although whether any of that is a good idea, I don't know.

Being outside of an office setting just doesn't make me want to work hard at my professional development, it makes me want to come to my senses, quit, and write full time.

I put in a good night's work last week on my would-be novel that may amount to something. It felt good, partly because I was really thinking over what I was putting down, making sure it was quality and not just "get it on the page, whatever comes out" stuff. I could extemporize a version of that story at length all day long and have it be ~okay~ but the trick is I want it to be told in a way that is engaging and very much unlike anything else you have seen.

I noted on Twitter that my belief in my writing, my concept of myself as a good writer, is one thing that has never wavered. Even when I think what I have written is bad, I think "This is bad writing from a good writer." I know deep down that I have reached that point I always dreamed of in my twenties, where I am done baking and ready for the world. I just hope it's not too late.

The Uncanny X-Cerpts continues apace, largely aided by the fact that the pandemic has made it impossible to go back to Oakville and spend our weekends there. I'm not saying "Thank God, because I really wanted to be writing about old X-Men comics instead of spending time with the in-laws and Nonna." Not it at all. I just need something to do when I wake up before Mel on a weekend morning and am not feeling particularly creative. That blog has always been primarily something I fit into the existing rhythm of my life. No more no less. If I need to get it done, I stay up late on a work night and get ahead. Or I just don't do one for a week and try to catch up later. Since January 2018 I have not had a lengthy unplanned break, I always manage to find room for it, and I don't even work on it during work hours.

Recently I've begun promoting it more online. Previously I just posted about it to my regular Twitter to my general audience (of very few.) Got a decent amount of hits that way. Then I decided to revisit the idea of doing a dedicated Twitter account to promote it, follow X-Fans and really engage with it a little more.

The results have been... mixed. A definite uptick in hits, so that need has been fulfilled. But in the process of getting out of my vacuum, I've had to face, well, what other people think about comics. And all I can say is that the people I have found largely have different ways of thinking about comics than I do. They're so into it, and I'm glad, I'm glad it works for them, but man. They're so invested in these characters as entities. I don't begrudge any of them that, although there's a natural dislike that comes with being exposed to an excess of difference (a prejudice we all have to reckon with from time to time.) I'm glad they're out there and I'm glad they're having fun and getting a lot (a lot-a lot) of pleasure out of this experience, but man they are seeking a lot of different things from what I am. What it amounts to is, I feel like I'm at a party I wasn't invited to - that I desperately didn't want to miss and yet can't really have fun at because nobody knows me or wants to talk to me.

The truth is, as with everything, I have always wanted people just to come to me. Just to do what I was going to do anyway and have people find their way to me. And that is not really how it works. Not when you're too analytical for the people who just want to have fun, and honestly, not smart enough for the analytical people. And I'm fuckin' smart. And funny.

At least I can say I'm putting in an effort to expand, to grow and say "This is what I've been up to in my secret corner on the internet." And no matter what, I will continue to do it in my secret corner of the internet, perhaps for the best.

Speaking of...

I launched LS' website this month. I have been increasingly deliberately working toward it for a year, registered the domain back in September, and pinned down a few deliverables I wanted to have ready before I unveiled it to the world. I wanted to be able to offer something, I wanted to be able to provide on a regular basis, and I wanted to know where my content was going to come from. I perhaps jumped the gun a little bit, as there was only one story up when I posted the link and got dozens of visitors who had mostly not yet returned for the second one. A slight miscalculation on my part, but I was too excited, and I figured if I provide something on a regular basis, things will snowball.

So far, not yet. Honestly, I did sort of hope that I would be able to waltz into "the scene", wave my one credential around, and basically own the place, again on the strength of my writing. I have yet to determine if I have what they want. But intellectually, I don't see why not. It's just going to take some grinding, some establishing that yes, I have the goods - I have the talent and I have an ample supply of material. This is one where I refuse to be discouraged. They need me, they just don't know it yet.

Well, on that somewhat cryptic note...

It was my birthday today. Talk about a triple life, maybe even a quadruple one. Mel treated me to an omelette breakfast, cupcakes, Thai food, a homemade banner, a card signed by all my families, old game shows (my favourite thing to watch on a day off), Mario Party, and even indulged me by watching The Room with me (an experience I think she enjoyed.) It was a day fraught with mishaps - the eggs didn't cook right, the oven wasn't set right for the cupcakes, she budged the N64 and froze our game of Mario Party - but it was so enjoyable, and so fun, and so real. I could hardly have asked for a better day, or a better, more caring partner.

You know, I worry sometimes, about the future, about the dynamics at play between us sometimes, about everything. But I never doubt how much she loves me, how she loves me in a way I have never felt from another person before, and could never hope to. And I hope she knows how much that means to me and feels me returning that love.

Despite, you know, some recent dreams that I have cause to feel weird about.

Lastly, I have had a toothache for nearly a week now. It's frustrating because I obviously can't go to the dentist now, but I also haven't been to the dentist in nearly a decade. And in all that time I have never had a toothache as severe and persistent as this, which probably would have given me cause to go (at least since I've had coverage.) And I had really been working up the nerve to go, when the whole Covid thing came down! So frustrating. Admittedly, I should have gone two years ago when I mysteriously lost that chunk of one of my incisors. That was not a good sign.

Sigh. Hate to leave you on a down note, love to watch myself leave. Or something.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto

007: The Non-Verbal / The Light in the Other Room

March was long. A year unto itself. April was barely anything. A blur of blurs.

The longer we have been at this isolation thing, the faster and more normal it becomes. Routines develop. I tend to sleep almost right up until it's time to jump on my 9 AM call and then do work - gradually in bits and pieces, fits and starts as I tend to get distracted throughout the day, both by my own momentum and by environmental factors. I eat breakfast around this time, lunch is about noon or one or maybe two. I do still often have a coffee in the afternoon but it's usually decaf. Then we are pretty good about powering down for the night not long after 5, having made out best attempts at putting in a full day's work. Then we make dinner, or order in (typically we order on Gym days so I don't have to spend time cooking, and on Fridays when we tend to do Sushi) and watch either 90 Day Fiance on DVR, or some other show, or Drag Race.

I have explained to the curious, this lifestyle suits me. I had already been making grumblings about preferring to work something like 11-7, and while that is not technically the case now, the lack of a commute means I am keeping those sorts of hours. I'm sleeping better overall, although there are still nights that don't go smoothly. I'm more sleepy when it's supposedly time to sleep, so I for the past few weeks I don't stay up late working on my blog, but I have been able to keep a nice 2-3 week buffer on it this entire year, and never being in Oakville is probably part of that.

I could keep going like this. I don't love it - it doesn't make me love my job more, and it still doesn't help that the stores are closed and the way of doing the job has changed with more oversight and restrictions. I would love to see my coworkers again and all, but there's no material damage to my psyche from being removed from them. Probably because I'm married, so my social needs are met and then some. But I've dealt with loneliness as a fact of life for my entire life, and I only hated it when it was because nobody wanted me. Being locked in a room all day staring at a screen? That's normal, that's my upbringing. I still talk more than I did for a lot of my late teens and early 20's, before I became a Customer Service person. I quietly make progress on my writing. I find time to spend in my own mind, when I can, or I attend to Mel's needs.

It's tough straightening out the events of April. We ordered a Desk and Chair for Mel, since she was getting tired of working on her lap on the couch and the kitchen stools are pretty uncomfortable. That necessitated a slight redecorating of the apartment, which has actually worked out nicely. Assembly went fine, as well as these things ever do. Although as of yesterday Mel has been feeling some back pain so perhaps our chair - which looked nice and cushy - is not as ergonomic as it ought to be. Mel was sick of looking at how mullety my hair was getting so we ordered some clippers and I let her shave the underpart, with great results (I did her hair with less great results.) Mel got super into knitting again, which I think was stressful at first but now she's finding it very calming and has lots of friends from work to talk to about it. It is one of those things that I wish would involve me less, but I am very happy on Saturday nights when she wants to knit and listen to my oldies playlist and I can read or play TEW or something (reviving my attempt at a scenario for 2016 edition, a lot of work.)

Mel is different from me though. She doesn't live in her own head. Most people aren't like me that way, although I've met plenty who are. She is extroverted, she needs people, she loves and craves them, all different people, and I can only be me for her and sometimes that's not what she needs. She has been Skyping with lots of friends, and family, and misses people from work she hasn't seen. Me, I probably don't text my mom enough. I did remember to send flowers for Mother's day ahead of time though. And I'm game for the regular family calls with her side, game nights, whatever. It's nice. And yesterday I had a call with Tony just to catch up. We agreed it was nice and will do it again at some undetermined point in the future. That'll do.

There has been stress, anxiety, and two or three fights. But also a lot of cuddling and quiet reflection and really beautiful nights. We watched all the Rocky movies and have dipped into the Godfathers. We sometimes eat at the kitchen table, like this past weekend when I made cannelloni and pork schnitzel. Two weekends ago I had to hunt around for Timbits at the nearby Tim Hortons; surprisingly hard to come by and not even any chocolate glazed. It's stressful being out for long periods. This past weekend was even worse because the weather was balmy, 20 degrees, and we opted to go out and run an errand or two and of course the whole damn city was there at Queen's Quay. We were able to get to and from our apt via a secluded pathway, which was nice.

Our houseplant, Reginald Orion "Reggie" Heimpliams, has developed gnats, which has us stressed. I tried a few home remedies with varying success, but I think I'm going to have to take more drastic measures. Right now he's living outside, which has me nervous because we're apparently due for a cold snap and/or polar vortex.

Just because this lifestyle suits me, doesn't mean it is without challenges. Life won't be perfect. Oftentimes, people will throw some new terrible news into the social media feeds and I'll just be like "I can't with this right now." It was interesting getting into survival mode but now that this status has been quo for over a month - nearly two! - some long-term thinking has come back. I had to do my self-assessment at work and start thinking about goals, and honestly that's far from my mind. It shouldn't be, but as of the beginning of 2020 I am so in love with the idea of not thinking of myself as an Inventory Analyst anymore, and just writing, it's hard to remember that's not my current reality, and that I do still need to pay attention to my life as it is.

That's kind of a stressful note to go out on, but I'm running low on steam and it's past my ideal bedtime, so let's hope that I got that all out of my system and won't spend the next hour unpacking that last paragraph.

Oddly I wish I had more to say but there's nothing new about this. It's just what's happening.

Keep on rockin'
-Scotto