Fourteen: Your Changing Relationship With a Dead Man

Sunday morning brings the pain. It's one of those dull weekends we crave. We haven't gone back to Oakville for once. No obligations. Just us, puttering around the apartment. This is good - we have neglected cleaning so we spent all of yesterday doing that - but also a little bit of a downer since we don't seem to know what to do with ourselves. We were going to watch Endgame last night but Mel was feeling too ill to give it her full attention. She did, however, consent to watch an episode of Stranger Things S3, which we are gradually making our way through when we feel up to it. Mostly it's just reality shows, but we seem to be all caught up on the PVR.

Mel also became very enamored with RuPaul's Drag Race. I'm into it insomuch as I pick my favourites and try to understand why they win or lose. We just watched Season 2. Mel roots for the bigger girls until they get sent home. We both liked Pandora Boxx and Raven, although in hindsight Raven did come off like a bit of a bitch and Pandora was more of an outsider fave.

Last weekend was our big get together at Paradiso where we finally introduced Mels and my families. We sadly elected not to have Grandma along as she has very particular needs these days and it didn't feel right. Still, everyone got along and enjoyed themselves. Mom had a few, of course. Mama H is a natural mingler. My aunts found it enjoyable to catch up with my dad and uncle. The food was... fine, really. The slideshow of our engagement photos was a big hit, as was the accompanying soundtrack I threw together (although the speaker didn't do as much to fill the room as I'd hoped, and I accidentally left it on data instead of downloading the playlist, so I nearly and I ate up all my data for the month.)

The next day Mel and I went to visit Nonna for lunch. The previous night, she and mom really hit it off even if Mom couldn't really understand her. We stayed later than usual for dinner at Mel's parents - Mel was exhausted so she napped while we ate, and then she came down and ate her burger. And this wouldn't have been a problem, except later we were stuck on a train that was delayed for over an hour at Oakville because of a fatality. I was getting very antsy because my headphones had stopped working, I was out of data, I was nearly done my book (the superb Three Women by Lisa Taddeo) and had, for the first time ever, forgotten all of my charging cables so my devices were dying. Which only meant I would be reluctant to turn on my tablet and start writing or something. It was rough, albeit not as rough as being detained at the U.S.-Mexico border these days I'll grant you (different things can be rough, Carol!)

The week was what it was. I spent multiple days trying to mop up something that technically wasn't even my problem, to little avail. I don't think anyone will see it this way but I see it as basically dropping the ball, yeah. Like if I had been a little less prideful and handed it over earlier, it might have gotten resolved sooner.

I was to go look at suits with Eric (and invited Chrispy along) on Wednesday. Eric was running late but Tip Top doesn't keep any of their rental suits in stock anyway so there was nothing to look at but a catalogue. Still, we pretty much decided what we liked there and then, and all I need to do is finalize. Little by little this wedding is falling into place, although there are still some key elements we need to see to.

I took the month off from my X-Men blog to try to focus on other writing. Mostly it's been successful but mostly that applies to time when Mel was in Africa. Still, not having that outlet to lean on when I feel the need to be creative has spurred me at least a little bit (albeit, partly yesterday when I had some time I did use it to source images for when I'm back at it in September.)

So let's talk about what I really want to talk about. What I never, ever talk about because it's not supposed to be acknowledged that I am doing it. What Mel doesn't know, what nobody who could put my face to my name knows, especially to those who know me as the guy who is always complaining about not having time to write.

I have gotten some work done lately on TPI.

It comes in fits and starts. The story never stops, of course, and it's always on my mind - where are my characters going, what am I trying to set up? I was stymied in the Spring because I had one angle on it that I wanted to pursue that I couldn't quite nail the tone on. Finally, I scrapped some of the loftier bits and barrelled through. (Don't think I didn't notice that as soon as I had two or three new posts up, Jay came to life and started updating his characters too.)

Now, I personally have been preparing to go into sleep mode on that project as soon as I got to a place I felt I could leave off with. Like the X-Men blog it feels like it's taking time away from other things I could be writing, but it's a dual-edged sword because I know people are seeing it (yes, I not only actually do get writing done but also it has a small but loyal audience!) but they rarely interact with it so the pleasure I get from posting there is minimal. Well, we got our first organic comment n over a year on my latest post - a person saying they related to what I had a character saying, that it was articulated perfectly and they hoped whatever resolution I came up with would help them in their own life.

Like woah, no pressure. When I first envisioned writing this, it was just something I thought could be an intriguing twist, not something that would garner any reaction (and yeah, this one minor comment constitutes a big reaction in this case.) Then as I was writing it, as occasionally happens (this is what I like best about writing) I realized a note in there that made it perfectly thematically aligned with what I had done and what I intended on doing. So it had already started to carry some extra weight with me, but to have it validated by an unsolicited real-world response, I was startled. Overjoyed. It really increased my level of engagement with this thing I've been writing seemingly just for myself for years.

They also said this was the most interesting story ongoing on the blog right now. Feather in my cap, for sure.

I've been ruminating on that comment since I read it, and wondering if it will affect the way I proceed from here. It's easy to dance like nobody's watching when you seriously fucking think nobody is watching.

I think about it a lot. I've been on this project for a decade straight. Sometimes I still feel inspired, sometimes I feel limited. That's what's made me want to break away from it and find new outlets. But while I have it going, it's good to be recognized. (Back during the "Judith" years I heard from readers more, because I think something about that setup resonated with them... not necessarily in the ways I wanted it to, but it was something.)

If I can harness this for a new project, one of the things I am currently hip-deep in...

I want to write a lot of different things. The things I have the most ideas for are the tawdry, niche things, the things I would never sign my real name to, that are just for getting it out of my system and maybe flipping out a few fellow weirdos. The need to get them out of my system rather than marinate on them for long periods is probably what propels them forward (at least to a state of being 40% or 60% doneness.) And the idea that if I play my cards right maybe, maybe, there's a buck to be made.

I do still envision myself writing a Michael Chabon novel. I imagine myself at the head of a thriving entertainment and culture blog. I have an idea for a tv show about not my real current life, but about the life I envisioned for myself several years ago (which shockingly resembles my current life.) While I'm at work pushing inventory around my mind drifts to other worlds and I feel sad that I am resigned to the fact that this is never how I will make my money. (And I worry that only giving 25% of my mental faculties to my actual job is affecting my performance, but I really do think that when work is in front of me, I'm all about the work.)

Why wasn't I more motivated to get this all out in my 20's, when I had unlimited time to myself? Actually, I know why: because I knew - felt strongly, and was later confirmed - I didn't know shit in my 20's. I actually did know a lot but more importantly I had growing to do and a world to see and it wasn't happening behind the fucking cash counter at HMV. And I knew it. So nothing I wrote felt real to me. It lacked that overconfidence of youth while not replacing it with actual wisdom and maturity. I just needed to bake longer.

I think I'm ready now.

Is the world ready for a middlebrow straight white male writer of above-average cleverness?

Or am I just gonna satisfy myself writing niche fap material for strangers?

Why not both......

Keep on rockin
-Scotto

Thirteen: Time Still Stands

The night is my playground.

I know something about myself and I know it more after the past few weeks. I love Mel. My decision to build my life around her is the right one. Without her I am untethered and aimless and listless. I wrote some and spent other times during the weeks doing various things, but I also wasn't motivated to do more. I had a hard time just sitting sfill in the apartment.

I'm actually proud of how I managed my time without her, but I had a surplus of it so as long as it wasn't all wasted I could call it a win.

I love her company and her understanding and her love. And she helps me be structured and a good man. But no matter who I ended up with, I would have always been a man apart. A man who lives in his own mind and covets those times he can be there. With her back I am back to using those times when she is asleep or away for as much of my own stuff as I can. My goal in life is to dedicate a closer percentage of what I do for her to myself as well. Not to balance it more for myself, but to just increase my capacity for it all.

She fell asleep early and I got caught up going down a rabbit hole about the ways Mini Pops Kids songs differ from their source material, prompted by my noticing they did a version of "Video Killed the Radio Star" while I was looking into the fact that that the Buggles version of that song is actually a cover. This is not, strictly speaking, a good use of my time butvit was my decision. Other nights I might write fiction (though my brain is usually too fried after the day to do so, except maybe TPI,) or do an X-Cerpt (on hold for August to focus on other things... like apparently threads about Mini Pops.)  Or do a BLTN post. As a consequence I deprive myself of sleep. A dangerous game. I'm trying to offset this by grabbing the occasional lunch hour for writing, although a lot of things need to go right for that scheme to work.

I had had trouble putting muself to sleep last night when helpfully, after an hour of rest, the fire alarm went off. And let me tell you when you live on the 67th floor, the fear of fire is a deeply existential one. What's worse is that after the alarm quieted they didn't do a firm "all clear." We had to wait in darkness, vaguely sure the danger had passed but still ill at ease and contemplating our fate. I had to Google around to ensure it was no longer an active fire incident on the Toronto Fire Dept's website. I think the issue was with the One York commercial building. It always seems to be. This after not sleeping great Tuesday night due to the lingering effects of Mel's jetlag.

Friday night whuke Mel was still away, I treated myself to a night out at Jack Astors because I really didn't feel like cooking and I thought that while I was unlikely to have the kins of adventures Eric often has, no matter where I was, I could only have such an experience if I did leave the house. So I went, I had my steak frites, and I came home and watched Masterchef and/or LOST season 4. Wooo.

Saturday, after writing time, I went back to Oakville to join Mama and Papa H on a trip to the Flamborough Downs casino, where they were picking up a gift. Anna stayed for some light gambling. I fed a few slots and wandered, unenthused, until I found roulette, which does actually entertain me. I put in $50, played for maybe 20 minutes or a half hour, and walked away with $32. I would say I got my $18 worth, sure.

The next day was our trip out to Fonthill to see Alan, Pat, Evan, Celeste, and the kids. I had good convos with the kids, and Celeste, although I think I made my final attempt to crack the nut thst is Evan. He remains quiet and guarded, and I made my best, but unsuccessful attempt, to engage him directly. And I'm good with people now (though not always necessarily *great.*) As evidenced by how well I got along with his wife and kids. For them, I fell back into the Fun Big Cuz role from Cam and Ali's youth, which is physically demanding, but if it's only once in a few years I can manage. Later, Porter was glued to Power Rangers on his tablet (by Ev's consent and to Celeste's  consternation.) Mighty Morphin even, not the new stuff. We played memory, and later Trouble, with Olive, and debuted new old pics of family. Lunch became dinner. A long day. The drive was not awful, albeit not ideal, given it was 2 hours jammed in the backseat between the two guys. At the end of the night I went home to Toronto and got in the door at 10. Not too bad.

I ate popcorn almost every day Mel was away.

Monday I got up and got back to writing at Starbucks. My intention was to take a break then get back to it but I ended up lolling along Queens Quay then taking the streetcar up to China town and then walking home, grabbing lunch and a McFlurry along the way. Actually a solid day. I ended up getting antsy again later and took another short walk before dinner, sitting and peoplewatching on the Quay, before having a late dinner of leftovers that had been meant to be a lunch the previous week.

Tuesday Mel came back, her flight 2 hours late. I had gone to get my health card renewed and then spent some time reading before going to Pearson. I went early (for her new arrival time)  and waited 2 hours but then after her flight arrived it took 40 minutes to depland. Sigh.

The week proceeded from there, although there could be lots to tell. I'm 3 days late in posting this since I dropped off after talking about visiting Fonthill. More for another time.

Keep on Rockin
-Scotto

Twelve: The Hot Cold

We're nearly to the end of Mel's stay abroad. She's been gone a full week and then some. From my end it seems to have proceeded exactly as I though it would - gradually, without incident, with things to fill the time.

Saturday, Eric came over. I had had a good writing day in the early afternoon, and was ready to spend the evening pretty much just walking around the city with him. We did a big loop around Queen street, stopping briefly at the African Music Extravaganza there (how'd you like that) and checking out BMV Books before moving along to have dinner at Gabby's. Aside from the service actually being quite slow it was nice. There was some concern about rain since it had showered off and on during the day, but it was fine on the patio. Then we walked back up King St., passing through the Middle Eastern festival there, then back to the Union Summer patio, which we were saddened to find was only on until Aug 4, basically only through June and July. Once we got back to my place, we watched a few episode of bad kid's TV from our youths before he caught the train home.

The next day I saw him again as I went to mom's for "bbq" (actually an indoors-cooked flank steak since their new place wasn't ready for company yet. It was... a fairly typical visit to mom's.

I muddled through the week, trying my best not to subsist on purely crappy dinners and bad TV, although there was some of each. I did a lot of talking out loud to myself as I tend to do when alone, and just trying to ignore any crippling existential despair. In general it's been a lot of contamplation of what I used to do when I had "all the time in the world." Truth is I wasted it then too. Well, I know what I was doing, but what did it amount to?

I went to the gym Tues morning but had to skip it Thurs because I didn't sleep well.

 I had TiVoed MasterChef and was watching through, although Mel is less interested so I'll have to finish it when she's not around somehow, tricky since I'm caught up now.

Or just, you know... never. Honestly I'm not too invested in any of the contestants, it's just something to put on. I've also watched some of LOST Season 4. I also put on Dazed and Confused one night, since that's the kind of movie I can just put on anytime.

It's been important to me to find time almost every day to write. It hasn't been as easy as I'd hoped but most nights I can go to bed feeling like I did what I needed to get done. I've been working on some stuff hat is patently not for public consumption, but that I need to get out of my head. That feels good. Of course it also feels like being on a treadmill - putting in the work but never truly going further, getting closer to the end. I get a lot started, and in fact get pretty deep into it, and then move on at some arbitrary point despite not being done and not even being frustrated per se.

I've taken the month off from my X-Men blog. I enjoy it when it's ongoing but from time to time I catch myself going "What is this, who is it for?" I feel like I'm pretty far from the time when there was any reason for me to maintain a project like that, culturally - you know, the SOTW/CtB years, when it was possible to springboard to ComicsAlliance if the right people saw you, and got "in." And yet it does appeal to me to continue doing to satisfy a certain impulse. Thing is... sometimes I fancy that that time could be put to better use, for the most part when I'm not doing I don't actively fill that time with the stuff I want to be doing. I think it's because I can get into the mindset for X-Cerpts easier, whereas the stuff I want to be writing, the purity of headspace is rarer by far.

Well. I knew I had one shot during these 11 days to make something work, and I have done that. What happens during the rest of the month, I do not know. I do feel like if I have drive, I will do what I can.

I guess Carribana is on now, I saw some women in costume outside this Starbucks, (bedazzled bikinis, feathers, etc.)

I've spent some time, also, working out the fine final details of our big family dinner next Saturday. It will be nice to finally have that in the rearview, after all the headaches it has caused. This weekend is pretty busy, and I honestly wish I had more of it to myself, but a funny thing happens when people find out you have nothing to do, they start grabbing bits of time for themselves, and me, I'm a people-pleaser, I desperately want to give everyone everything I think they deserve, with myself coming last frequently. Tonight I'm in Oakville for dinner with Mel's parents, and then Fonthill for a visit with Pat and Alan while Evan and Celeste are in town - couldn't pass that up since they're rarely around, even though it effectively means I'm seeing Pat and Alan three weekends out of four and hey, that's plenty.

Sigh... it's gonna be a day. At least I have Monday for my very own, depending if I get back to Toronto after Fonthill, or what. Jeez. This whole weekend is slipping away...

Better get home and get things squared away before I go.

I was reading some recent posts and noticed a ton of typos from writing them on my phone - I wonder if I should bother going back and editing. They mess up some pretty key sentences. Hm.

Keep on rockin
-Scotto