7: Afters

I feel a little bad.

Now this is nothing new. I have been feeling bad on this blog since the day it began. What's always changed is the why. If lots of things make you feel bad over the course of years you're just human. If the same thing makes you feel bad for years on end you've got a problem. If you don't know what is making you feel bad, consider reaching out to somebody.

I feel bad a little bit because tonight is the company Christmas party and I'm not going. I wasn't planning on not-going, I just literally missed the RSVP deadline because it wound up in my Junk or something and I never followed up. I went on a Twitter thread last night to explain why it's not so bad (disappointing food options, limited capacity to break out of one's social bubble, no spouses) but also admit that I feel like I deserve to share in the communal catharsis after a year of hard work. In general I feel bad for being left out and or leaving myself out, when so many others are In.

Five years ago of course I would have been All Over It, and probably slobbering over any GM Analyst or Marketing Associate I thought might be single and least likely to reject my advances outright. But now, luckily, I get to go home to someone I love.

Last year I much more enjoyed Mel's Christmas party, largely because I was invited to it and it incorporated a sitdown meal. I got to meet lots of people and dance. At my own company's I felt a little anonymous, so I have to remind myself not to miss that. Mel is now at a nonprofit rather than a literal goldmine, so it's no big Do for the holidays there.

In general  it has been a busy time. I proposed in November so now that Mel and I are officially Engaged, on comes all the pressures and frustrations of Actually Planning a Wedding - the guaranteed anxiety that caused me to probably hold off on proposing months longer than I ought to have. First order was to pick a venue. We spent weeks researching and comparing and then a couple of weekends in a row viewing until we found one we liked, available on the day we wanted.

Except it got snapped up right after we left, before we confirmed our interest, so to get the venue we had to push it back a werk. That's disappointing (especially because it inches the ceremony closer to Christmas.) But no matter what day it will be magical.

Speaking of Christmas, I also feel bad that, due to all this, my head hasn't really been with the holidays. It's the 11th and I already feel so behind. I'm just so worn out, it's all hitting me at once this year, combined with my new role and my unresolved yearning to write...

I could talk more about that but it's the same as it ever was. Just trying to get the most out of my various outletd withiut feeling like I have to do any particular thing. As for work, well three weeks or so into this assignment the biggest book of the year landed on my desk, so I've been grappling with that -- apparently quite well. Maybe slight neglect on skme things further down the docket but I don't think anyone's blaming me.

Further, I feel quite warmly about the work environment now. Not thst I had problems woth my  oworkers or mgmt before, but it's different, more open - a better fit for me as a person and employee. I've been putting in a lot of work guiding the new people as well.

It's important to enjoy the season while it lasts, as the drudgery of winter will be all that's left in January and February. Just don't let the pressure to enjoy get to you. Mel and I took a day to ourselves and hit the Christmas market, which was fun - chilly and crowded, but fun. As far as festive fun goes at work, the silo nature, teams within teams, means tonight's missed party isn't my only chance at festive fun. The nonfic team went axe throwing last week, which was quite enjoyable, and then for Italian for dinner. Then we have the Inventory Team lunch/giftswap so there's that too. Like I said, enjoy it and don't try to feel too pressured.

We'll see what the nes year brings.

Ho ho ho and keep on rocking
Scotto