Six: Ping/The Long Game

The rest of the vacation, such as it was, came and went. Mel had, by her own account, a pretty good day at work after her initial anxiety, which lends credence to my understanding of it. She even came home beaming that her boss praised her and said they made a good team. I focus on the static between her and her boss but the truth is she's often very kind to her, so. It's just that bad things get magnified in our mind especially when filtered through the perspective of someone we love.

Yesterday we woke up to some mondo snowfall, which we were totally unprepared for. Mel was actually quite chipper in the morning and we had kind of a dawdling sitdown at breakfast but then when it came time to go I saw I had to brush off the car and nearly had a conniption. Rookie mistake, not checking the snow until it was time to go. Flustered, I started to work furiously. We didn't have time to change Mel into her boots (they're a little stiff so she needs my help getting them on) which meant that, partly on my advice from earlier, she was going downtown in her running shoes. (I don't remember what they're called but they are a special kind that are fully waterproof. And just think, revcently she considered buying a pair of boots from that company!)

The drive to the station was painful as we had to pace ourselves, but we were situated behind a garbage truck for most of the way that helped us get a path. We almost didn't make it, but we did get her to the train on time. I texted Mel's mom (for whatever reason, she's often my go-to for random chitchat) saying we barely made it and I couldn't imagine this being a daily commute. She advised me to treat myself to some coffee. I waited a minute to make sure that the train went, and that there was no text from her saying she had missed it, because that round trip would suckkkk. I got home and bummed.

I actually did some writing. Overall I was pretty okay with the level of writing that did or didn't happen during the week. I had lots to do and didn't want to force myself. That said, sometimes you need to press through, so getting it done at last, on Friday, was good. I was hoping to have something big done for March but it's slooking unlikely. Steady as she goes.

I also, on a whim, watched the first episode of the Y: The Last Man series that was on FX but got canceled after a single season. The comic was huge to me back in the 2000's, and I thought it would make a great show, but man, they whiffed it. I'm predisposed to be kind to it, so if it was any good I would have touted it, but that first episode was not inspiring and didn't make me want to watch more. Aside from a prologue, the entire episode takes place in the beforetimes, and while I get wanting to spend some time setting things up, when you consider that all the male characters featured are about to die, it feels very grueling. There's literally a handbook on how to do this, from LOST, to The Walking Dead, to the Leftovers, to just throw your audience into the situation and explain as you go. You don't need to spend 40 minutes hammering them with "These people lived in a world very much like yours. They had husbands and sons, and the government worked, or didn't work, the way it did, and people had petty issues and secrets and plans for their lives... stay tuned for what happens when it all goes to shit." You know what that tells me? This is a show that is wasting your time. It will not be careful with you, the viewer, and your limited attention span. You can't count on it. I'm still mad about it today. Ultimately, it was the least enjoyable hour of my entire vacation, and I spent seemingly hours on end in the car on Wednesday.

Also yesterday, I set to work putting up the windowshade in the spare room, but got stuck needing to buy screws. By the time I was home and ready to get back to it, Mel was actually, surprisingly, on her way home, having gotten off early. Which was great, but I had actually had a late snack of bagel with cream cheese to tide me over until dinner which was thought to be at 9. So I picked her up and I ordered dinner (Burgertone, yum -- I had the crispy chicken sandwich for once, great.) but we had to wait for her to confer with something back at work at 8, so we did end up eating a little late, by which time I was indeed peckish.

This morning, Timehop brought me a memory that caused me to investigate what was going on 9 years ago. I checked Tumblr (which is how I was mostly recounting my life at the time as this blog was in a semi-comatose state) and found this entry about a time I went to see Matt and Aryn's band TROVE at the Less than Level. There was an interesting mix of "I remember this," "Now that you mention it that sounds familiar" and "I don't really remember this but if you say so." One aspect I've always thought of was it was one of those night (perhaps the quintessential one) where I was recognized as the HMV guy outside of the mall. I seemed to recall I kind of blew it off and regretted it, having missed a chance to make a new acquaintance and be sociable, but it actually sounds like I was quite sociable, and even danced with a random girl (who fell, and cupped my junk as I helped her up -- a big event in the life of 2013 Scotto.) So you know what, it was better than I remembered it. The whole thing made me think about how much detail I put in these things and what gets lost. These days I tend to skim, and when I go back and re-read (because you know I do) sometimes stuff sparks between the lines, and sometimes it's more like "What am I going on about here?"

So stuff will get missed. Like when the receptionist at the Dentist (I want to say Lisa, but I can never remember) asked me if it was cold out, and I said it was more rainy, and she said my glasses were fogged up and I said "Oh yeah, it's at least that cold." And then I could almost not figure out how to unwrap the shoe-covers they had out for me to use. Or how after dropping Mel off on the platform during her anxiety day, I walked past some dudes who looked like a construction crew smoking weed. You know, things that are destined to be lost in the fog of memory, especially mine. The problem is so much of my life these days is not lived in active verbs, it's all at a computer desk or on a couch, so there's seemingly less to recount. There will be vacancies and gaps. 

Maybe life has become so hazy in my middle age that I'm not as observant anymore. All the little details don't stand out to me. It's a higher threshold for what seems like a big deal.

Anyway, I just wanted to log on to say all that. It's been a good week and I'm pleasantly surprised how much writing I've done here this month, but don't expect it to last. Things don't work that way anymore.

But I'll be here when I can.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Five: this will

So I'm about halfway through my vacation, if one only counts Tuesday through Friday. However, if one wants to start counting on the unplug day Friday then I'm 3/5 of the way through but either way there's plenty left to go. It has been eventful and honestly I've kind of enjoyed the shape of it so far.

Saturday was Family Fun Day, which was enjoyable togetherness. The main themes were rotating through Darts and Ping Pong with a complicated scheme it was a little hard to keep track of, but the point was we did them in various combos. I was hit and miss at darts -- heh heh -- because we were playing around the world and I'm not much for aimin'. But neither is anyone else so we were relatively evenly matched and I probably came off as one of the better players since I had a few turns where I got two numbers in my single turn. The darts themselves proved to be problematic as they were prone to breaking whenever an errant shot would bounce off the board, and by the end we were down to four darts total when two had the extensions snap off in the main body of them. I felt bad because one of these was during a complete freebie shot I was taking to entertain myself between games but nobody noticed that part. So I did have a few strong dart games and ping pong was my weakness. I can actually play decently except I have the notable downfall of hitting the ball over the table. The only game I won was against Mama H when I was able to focus up and not let that happen so much. Also midway through I was pretty buzzed, having indulged in a tall boy during the afternoon and it took a few moments to wear off after dinner (chili and nachos.)

Oh well. Sunday I honestly don't remember. I think we spent most of the day watching Love is Blind, and if we did much more than that it's slipped my memory. Monday was Family Day, but Mel had to work to set things up for her workweek this week so I mostly had it to myself. I spent it focussing on a personal task: combining all of my phone photos into a single USB along with our wedding photos and engagement photos, to be printed and placed in a photo album soon. I was mad because there was a stretch of late 2019 where I had almost nothing on my phone, meaning I was missing in particular our trip to New York. I was miffed about that and searched high and low on my phone, and for a USB stick that I thought may have it. It did not. I was despondent. Then, in the proverbial "last place I looked" -- which really was the last place I could think to look -- I found a folder I had saved to my work laptop with these photos on it. I really never thought I would put it on a laptop because I don't trust computer hard drives. Usually I'll put photos and important things in multiple places out of paranoia (like, it's not hard to find a USB with the wedding and engagement photos on them.) And here they were, off my phone (where space is at a premium but less so on my SD card) and on this computer and only there. Well now that's no longer the case thank flick. I know I may have been overreacting but since I have a poor memory I rely on contemporary accounts -- photos, this blog, twitter timehop -- to revisit different times in my life, so losing that particular corner of my history would have been... irksome.

Tuesday, vacay started. As previously discussed, Mel had to go into the office all week, but earlier than we had hoped. So I'm in the curious position of waking up early on my days off to drive Mel to the train station as well as assist in her getting ready with breakfast and packing her lunch. (Hey what do you know, I'm a parent already. They grow up so fast...) Day one I was a little hard-pressed for things to do, or at least where to begin my agenda. I was a little drowsy so while I did do an x-cerpt, writing-writing was not on the table. Mostly I watched last week's AEW Dynamite and finished an episode of Doctor Who I had started (series 1's "Dalek.") I went for a drive to the Indigo at Burlington Mall to visit the books and came away somewhat inspired and somewhat wistful about my prospects. I also got a Starbucks because yeah. Then it was write write write some more until the day was done and after some cleaning, went to pick up Mel -- see, not only is she getting an early start she's having to stay pretty late, at the office until 7 (to accommodate the Alberta sites she's training) meaning she doesn't get back to Burlington until 8:-damn-45 PM, at which point we eat a sleepy dinner (night 1 was reheated soup from the previous Friday, with added meat) and decompress with TV until bed.

Wednesday had a little more action. See, I had a notion to play some Wii early on, but discovered to my shock and horror that our power cable had gotten a tear in it -- shocking since it had just been sitting there since New Years, only kind of bunched up. That was rough. But, there's a vintage video game store near the house that I've wanted to go into forever but never had a reason or time. So I went.

Actually, I first went early, around 10:30, but they didn't open until 11. I thought about waiting at Timmie's, but I hadn't brought anything with which to entertain myself for a half-hour, so while I did get a coffee, and even sat down briefly with my phone, I decided to leave and come back.

During this time I managed to spill said coffee on my shirt, so I changed, and bit the bullet with some peak-hours laundry. Then I worked on some more X-Cerpts before deciding my next scheme was to go to the video game store, see if they had a cable (and maybe a spare Wii guitar hero guitar we've been looking for) and then grab some lunch (I was feeling A&W.)

Ah, fate. If I had gone earlier, or gotten my lunch first, who knows what would have happened. Maybe I would have a new favourite place in this store. But I went in when I did, and the shopkeep -- I don't know if it was the owner or just an employee but he was kind of a middle-aged guy, yakking it up with this older guy. At first I paid no mind but there were some red flags in the convo about how one of the guy's wives wouldn't use re-usable grocery bags because she was worried about cross-contamination. Whatever, I rolled my eyes and continued to browse, wondering if maybe this guy would break away from his convo to assist me. but he didn't and they kept going and more and more elements of anti-vaxer covid-truther stuff crept into the conversation, saying how "when this was all over, it will all come out about the lies that were spread" and by the time I decided I had heard enough and didn't need to be shopping here that badly and left, one of them was talking about the polio vaccine and it seemed like they were building up to saying that wasn't on the level either.

Look. I don't know exactly what I was hearing, all I can tell you is that it didn't make me feel like I wanted to shop there anymore. You know? Maybe I didn't have the full context but when I weighed the possibilities I decided this was not an environment where I wanted to spend my money today, possibly ever. Which is a shame because they had some cool shit. Part of it was, I was annoyed I was being ignored in favor of this crackpot codger. And I'm sympathetic. Sometimes when you're in customer service you spend time indulging your randos and wait a minute to check in on the new customer. I've been on both sides and if it weren't for the content and tone of the conversation I would have walked out spending a pretty penny to get what I needed.

If I heard what I thought I heard, I'm not apt to spend money in such a place at this point in history. If I was mistaken, I'll never know. If you keep that shit to yourself, I would never know the difference and never think or care, but it was all out in the open and that doesn't give me a good impression. This isn't any kind of stand -- they'll get along fine without me -- it's just how I prefer to shop. I ordered what I needed off of Ebay instead. Was the seller an anti-vaxer? I don't know, and best part is, I won't have a chance to find out. Ignorance is bliss.

With that done, I went to A&W. Man, I'm sure glad the ladies behind the counter there weren't jabbering about how the Freedom Convoy had it right because I was really feeling a Mama Burger. 

After lunch, I started in on vacuuming the stairs -- the long-delayed project -- until it was time to go pick up Brandon for our task. Ever since he moved his cable account has still been under my name from when we lived together. This seemed like the best and only opportunity to get that corrected. So I drove out to Oakville, stopped and chatted a while with Eric at their place, then took Brandon to Oakville Place-- where the Cogeco was closed. Dang. The nearest location? Burlington Mall. So I trucked Brandon back to where I came from. It was actually kind of a nice little trek although I wasn't feeling like driving on the highway and got off at Appleby, which meant a long schlep down Harvester to Guelph. Ah well, it was what it was. The process was weirdly involved, since they don't just "change the name" they have to open a new account. They transferred everything over, gave him some new equipment, and told him it would be activated when the equipment was set up. We glanced around the mall because B was looking for some toys, and caught up on people we know/the family.

I swung by my place to show him what it was like since it was not too far out of the way, and we took Dundas home. I dropped him off around 5:15. Earlier that day, I had texted dad to see if he would lend me his Wii power cord, but he was working until 5:45. I told him if I was still around Oakville at that time I'd give him a shout but the way I thought the day was going, it didn't seem likely. Well, by 5:15, I thought, what's the diff. I drove around a little, stopping by the neighborhood I grew up in -- where I lingered a bit too long in looking at my old house and got honked at by a truck behind me (I'm trying to have a moment here!) then drove around the block, noting the changes people had made to their late-80s houses which I sneered didn't match the aesthetic or often look quality (our house's new owners put in French doors in the backyard instead of the classic sliding glass, but they didn't finish the frame so it looks chintzy.) I nearly got into a collision at Madden and River Oaks Blvd because only I had the stop sign, and wended my way past Dad's down to the mall where, if I didn't know anyone, at least I could visit some books.

Oakville Place doesn't really look any sadder than it did when I worked there. Maybe a little. As it turned out, Sandy was in, so we gabbed. She had actually emailed me that day to ask about her linear for Romance, which is very not my business but I'd be happy to help redirect her. It was nice to catch up with her but when I'm around she does tend to bring up her stock woes and I don't have much to tell her, unless it's something I myself am responsible for. There could be any of a dozen reasons why a title or section or feature is heavy or light. You know? Still, I indulged and shared my theories, until it was a good time to get going and head to dad's.

I only had a brief pause back at home by the time I got there, then had to pick up Mel. We had perogies for dinner and watched This Is Us.

Today, she wasn't feeling well. I'm actually surprised it took this long for her old anxieties about getting ready in the morning to kick in. It was always quite debilitating even when we lived downtown (I wonder if living so close to work, and thus being able to sleep later, exacerbated rather than helped it.) We discussed whether she needed to stay home. I encouraged her not to for a few reasons, some of which are selfish. I have been enjoying my time to myself. I also feel like from a work perspective, there are reasons she is meant to be in the office this week and that with her work in combatting her anxiety, it's better to push through than give in. It's a bit tough love but it's hard for me to be callous to her since my inclination is to protect her. I waited with her on the platform and told her about yesterday and said she should text me anytime she wanted. She hasn't yet, which seems like a good sign. My feeling is that once she actually gets to work she feels better. It's just getting over that hill.

That said, you know, there's been some turbulence in her working environment. I don't think it's a good fit between her and her current manager. She has had some really good managers at places like Mastercard and Alamos so not jibing as well with this one really seems to rattle her. I don't think she should stay when her contract comes up. Hell, I'm not sure if she should even stick out the entire contract, but they made a big deal when hiring her about not wanting someone who was going to leave early. 

It is what it is.

I got home and played some Wii -- Super Mario Bros 3. It was a good time. A while back I played some with Mel and she struggled and it left me to think, how the hell do people become good at a game like this? You really need a feel for it early. It's one of my great joys in life from the time I was 3 years old. It has always been there for me, and in me, and watching her fall down pits I instinctively know how to navigate and colliding with Koopa Troopas when my muscles would know exactly how to jump, just gave me pause. And she says she likes platformers better than, say, the open-world Mario 64, or Pokemon, which I kind of wanted her to play along with me as a couples activity, but she has this impression it's just "walking around and talking to people." (And okay, it kind of is.) but what she really likes is Mario Kart, Mario Party, Wii Sports and Guitar Hero, which are all good too. Not everyone needs to be a Mario Master.

So that's that. Having written this I'm going to finish my coffee, have a shower, and do some writing. Maybe after that I'll get back to vacuuming. I also need to hit the grocery store.

A few nights ago, just after what would have been her birthday, I had a dream about Grandma. All this other stuff was going on and then Grandma just walked in quietly, but pulling focus the way little quiet old ladies do. And I said in the dream. "Oh, Grandma's here... but she's not supposed to be!" Because she's gone, you know. Then I think, I should get a selfie with her, because I miss her and won't get the opportunity again. Only the camera won't work. And then it becomes obvious why it won't work, and why I can't get the picture, and how she's not really here, and she disappears and everything disappears and the dream ends. I don't have a lot of dreams about people, so this was interesting to me.

Again, I'm very happy with the way this vacation has gone -- I knew I wouldn't get to do everything, and you'd think yesterday would make me feel bitter because of all the running around but it was, if nothing else, an amusing way to spend an afternoon. I feel exactly how I think I'm supposed to feel, which is relaxed and at ease as well as accomplished.

It's good. See, look at that, you rarely get good-feeling Scotto here. Cherish it.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Four: It's the story

I'm at the beginning of what will be a long and hopefully fruitful and relaxing time off. After booking my vacation for the four days following Family Day (coming up on Monday) we were gifted with an unplug day today. (Imagine still working in an office and being told "You know what, just don't come in." Seems unlikely!) And all of that is on top of having a Dentist Appt yesterday afternoon that permitted me to take the afternoon off and go to the city. I am on the hook for some replen checking and HVG Returns and other tasks today but it will be a relaxing pace. It's now 10:30 and I've not accessed my remote desktop.

There's a part of me that is concerned I'm setting myself up for disappointment. I want this week to be relaxing and fn and yet I also have like a million things I want to get done. This is including but perhaps not limited to writing (X-Cerpts, other blog stuff, LS stuff), keeping the house relatively clean, tidying the basement, helping Brandon switch the cable account over to his name after 4 years, playing video games (whether that be Mario or like, TEW, or something else) watching TV (AEW??), and I guess I'll also feed myself.

It will be somewhat easier to set the agenda because, as a weird co-incidence, Mel has to go into the city all four days after Family Day to do training. She has to start at 10:30 (to accommodate the west) so I think that means she'll have to catch the train at 9, which seems fine.

Is this all too much? It seemingly has to be. I recently revived scottowilliams dot com (the Better Late Than Never blog) for random thoughts whenever I think I can get away with it, but with the premise that every post might be my last. I am trying not to put pressure on myself to produce things because I know it will not grow into some kind of internet sensation, I'm really just doing it to have a venue to get things out of my head. In the meantime, I'm on the hook for a few X-Cerpts but I'm far enough ahead that that doesn't seem too onerous. I also have plans to launch X-Cerpts Unlimited, taking the same tact as BLTN where I am not obliged to follow any particular update schedule, but when I want to write about something that is comics but not X-Cerpts, I have a place to do it. Previously the Patreon filled this niche but that was not a successful endeavor and required me to keep a relatively disciplined update schedule to satisfy my patrons. Also I didn't push it very hard because I felt silly putting effort into this thing that only had 3 patrons. This will be a lot more casual, like BLTN. As long as X-Cerpts remains the top priority, everything else is a side-dish.

That includes LS, which has actually been going well. After putting up a new story in January that was slow to start I now see a fairly consistent sales pattern and while it's not a blockbuster by any means, between three works (mostly just the two big ones) I'm usually seeing a sale every day. It's nothing to retire on but one a day means about $100 every month in my pocket. It's the kind of reward that definitely motivates me to continue where in the past I may have walked away unfulfilled. I have another story lined up hopefully for early March -- assuming I can devote a certain amount of my free time this coming week to it. I don't expect it to be big. Hell I don't even expect it to be as big as my last comparatively-slow-moving-release -- but it was an idea I wanted to try, and the next one may be bigger. (I do have to get comfortable with the idea that a lot of my ideas are a bit too outre and personal to be blockbusters. I'm shooting for another Kristi's Mom at some point in the year but who knows? Still, finding the balance between writing what I want to write and reaping a small benefit is exactly what I want.)

I can just imagine someone reading this blog after I've come and gone, even someone who's known me, and thinking "What is he on about?" And then if they find out they might wish they didn't.

Anyway. I've got big hopes but I'm trying to keep my expectations manageable. At this point I know what's basically possible with the time I have and I also know when I'm kind of pushing it, which I am here. So knowing what to expect... still doesn't make me want to back off. I get in these manic phases from time to time and it's best just to play it out.

Things have been good, if in a qualified sense. Last weekend was a busy one. Saturday we had a lot planned and shockingly we got most of it done -- Mel wanted to go to a yarn store in Oakville to get some yarn to do a sweater she is making. We went and ended up parking shockingly far from the store (actually at our friend Manders' old place) and walked around a bit. Then we came home and, after decompressing from that, spent the evening finally taking down the Christmas tree. It went well, although there's now a big empty space that used to have a shelf/credenza/TV stand in it but Mel doesn't want to put it back because we already have two other shelves that are well decorated (I don't disagree.) So we think we might put the green chair and the newly-assembled side-table there, but haven't moved it yet. We also found time to eat and watch Love is Blind, and then watch the Amazon Prime movie I Want You Back, which was really good.

Sunday began the saga of Mel having to work super hard to catch up on something for work so I was largely left to my own devices. I think did a lot of housework (laundry, groceries, vacuuming) and a little bit of writing -- but it all blurs together. It was "big game day" (which ordinaries are legally required to call the Super Bowl) and Mel wanted that game day feel so we ordered some DIY Nachos from the Black Bull pub, which were a big hit, even though we didn't watch the game and instead watched Nailed It and some pretty brutal "thrillers" that were absolutely not "thrilling.". We also ate some wings that were... eh.

Monday was to be Valentine's Day. I skirted work early to go get a 2-4 person ice cream cake from DQ, which ended up being a debacle as I had to take a roundabout route to the DQ on Appleby when that street ended up being closed at the intersection, as well as flowers and a balloon. We decided we weren't going to Do It Big this year because again Mel had to work late, even returning to her project after dinner. Dinner was the Keg, but while we usually order from the Burlington location for big occasions, they were all booked up for Valentine's Day until 8 PM -- even though we tried to get in there two days beforehand, which was the earliest one could book. Instead we opted to order from the Oakville location, which was less tied up. A bit of a schlep to get there (and I was not in much of a mood after my misadventure at DQ*) but worked out in the end.

*My original plan was to get the DQ at the same time as the Keg, as there are several DQs between here and there, but, as I was going out early to get the flowers -- I didn't want to last-minute those (instead I next-to-last-minuted them... they're flowers, you can't buy them a week early!) I was worried about scrambling for the cake, which Mel had her heart set on, so I decided to venture out for it. I probably needn't have worried and just gotten the flowers but hindsight is 20/20.

So on paper our Valentine's Day was not the most exciting and romantic, and we didn't really join the host of oversharers on social media but we had a nice night for us.

We ended up ordering Pizza the next night, which is always justifiable because it's so economical (I'm doing this thing where I track our groceries and how much we spend on food.) Wednesday I worked out solo (until Kelly arrived) while Mel was stuck working, per usze, but she did say she wanted to do the circuit when she had time. Yesterday was the dentist and I let Mel twist my arm into getting sushi. The original plan was to pick it up on the way home but I had to wait 4 hours after my fluoride treatment to have "sticky rice" so we ended up ordering later. It was rainy and gloomy all day and then the rain turned to hellish snow just in time for me to go pick up dinner. Worst of all, despite having put the car in the garage they have not as yet cleared my driveway as they sometimes do. Miffed, because it means I'm going to have to spend some of my afternoon doing that.

Anyway. It's now nearly noon and this all has taken up a good portion of my free day so I should probably cut it there, do the two things I'm supposed to do for work, have lunch and maaaaaybe chip away at my "hope to do" list. Should be good. Tomorrow we're doing Family Fun Day at Mel's parents. Maybe we'll look in on my mom at some point in the coming weeks.

And break.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto

Three: Only in the Game

 Okay, so, here's the deal with the deal. I wasn't going to post today -- I posted the other night and the habit with SWP lately is to just forget about it for another month or so after each post but I got caught in the vortex of the past and needed to say something.

Lately this blog has become just a bloody drag. Like anyone else, especially I assume anyone my age, I do have my downer moments where I reflect on the past but it's become problematic that these are the only moments that are seemingly being reflected in the blog. 

Yeah, I do engage in recreational nostalgia. I open timehop every day (gotta keep that streak going) and I listen to records from my twenties and I sometimes read this blog or my old Tumblr just for a hit of what the highlights are, but thank god I was pretty unvarnished in those days about how crummy a lot of my life was overall. I don't get nostalgic for the life I had, I get wistful for the twenties I wished I had while they were going on, but didn't because of circumstance and my paralyzing personality crises. I certainly didn't have the TV sitcom experience of hanging out with the same close-knit group of people every day for ten years -- I don't know that anyone does -- and my dating life was one deflated balloon after another. I had low self-esteem, a job that, while I liked it, didn't make me like myself (because it was low-paying, low-prestige, and going nowhere) and couldn't make my dreams happen despite trying everything I could think of that was in my wheelhouse. That was it, that was me, and it sounds incredibly sad to lay it all out there but it is.

I'm better now. I have my problems of course, but I am a capable, functioning person with an identity and a good job and enough time for some hobbies and a wife whom I love sharing my life with. She's not the Ramona Flowers type I probably secretly coveted and always went for, but she's the Mel type I needed, and I met her right on time, as time was running out on sowing my wild oats, which (again) I hadn't had much luck doing. God help me, I really am happy, and if I get a little down, it's probably because getting myself down is a weirdly amusing leisure activity. How perverse. And funny, in a sad way.

Yeah, I'm not young -- and I didn't feel young when I was young so I'm starting on the backfoot anyway -- but I'm not out of opportunities. If I want to make something happen so badly, I ought to. I do think I have a fear of success. I think I want greatness but I recoil at the struggle and potential for disappointment that would come from seeking it, so I pick safer, low-risk options like my little hobbies. Oh well. You know, there's food on the table. 

And I want to be a dad because I would like there to be a little person who is my mark on the world. That I made from scratch and instilled values in. I'm deathly afraid of what that's all going to mean but I still want it, and we're trying.

There's still some time to get some writing done so I'll leave it there because I powered through and said what I wanted to say. I'm doing my best to see my mid-30's as my New Prime.

There. Now I can feel better about turning my attention to my writing for an hour or so before I wake Mel up and we go to Nonna's for lunch.

Keep on Rockin

Scotto

Two: I wondered if it were true

I'm in a low, contemplative mood lately. Not sad per se, although I am getting close to sit and sulk territory. I'm just nursing some relatively usual pangs, about my place in the world and my future.

I'm a little stuck in old times, trying to reckon with who I always wished I was, who I became, and at what point the transition happened. I always felt, and still feel, there are big things ahead of me, but time is fleeting and I am not making many moves in that direction. If I've got something up my sleeve to make my life cajunga, now, on the cusp of 35, would be the time to make it known. But I always had a habit of hewing toward safe, smaller moves rather than taking the big chance and failing.

If this is all I am -- not a writer, not a creator, not a person of note, just an inventory analyst for a nationwide retail chain, it's a tough thing to process. But that also means I'm other things. Damn good husband. Aspiring father. Teammate. Cult smut writer and X-Men blogger. Those aren't bad things to be and they suit me fine and yet that image of what's just out of reach.

I see people going out and getting it. You know, these tiktokers and podcasters and vloggers and whatnot getting huge numbers of eyeballs on themselves. Being entertaining, providing content for someone, is not a scarcity anymore. It's not the province of a few dedicated weirdos like it was when I was younger, it is... everything. And it's easier. But you know, there were comparable mediums to work in when I was younger, and I didn't do anything with them because I didn't have the getupandgo any more then than I do now. Because it wasn't what I wanted and it's not what I want now (so why do I feel jealous and icky about people who do it? Perhaps because whatever they want, they're doing, whereas I... am not.)

Lest we forget, I had lots of time and energy in my 20's, and I did what I did with it. And I think back to that kid and think -- he was smart and funny but he wasn't ready yet anyway. Not to do what I'm doing today and what I'm doing today doesn't even feel like the final version of what I want and who I want to be. But what I want may not exist anymore.

I was so jazzed back in 2020 when I had the chance to write that script. I was energized because I didn't have time to get in my feelings about my prospects for success. When we weren't able to make the deadline the dream crumbled and though I picked up the script again my enthusiasm has dulled to the point where I find it hard to get motivated.

I want to write if I know people will see it, and the things I write, are seen, but they are not a ticket to success. If it's guaranteed scraps or famine with a chance of jackpot, I take the scraps. Is that wrong?

Is it satisfying?

It's not that I have so many brilliant ideas, necessarily, that I desperately need to share. It's that I need writing to be part of my life and the easiest way to do that is to make it my job.

All this is a bunch of different feelings, from feeling old to feeling unsuccessful to being bitter about people who have more time to do things that I wouldn't even do if I had time. I don't know man, I'm a bit misanthropic these days.

Of course, I hide it well. It just simmers under the surface.

Could be it's cabin fever. We got dumped on with snow this week and it's made me want to stay inside even more than we already were. You know I heard the third year of a pandemic is the hardest.

January was a bit of a blur. It actually did contain some professional success, as I was tapped to work with the PR department on sourcing some data-based talking points for articles touting the company's trajectory in 2021. I was able to flex my journalistic muscles and a lot of people seemed impressed.  It was fun to do something different with my work and show that side of me.

The last few weeks have been good. We had Mel's parents over for coffee two weekends ago, a nice chat and a good excuse to clean the place. We had Unc, Sherlie and Nonna over the following weekend, played cards and watched much of the Cincinnati-KC Football game that went to overtime. Then last night we braved the cold and snow to go see my dad and Deb for dinner, on the grounds that we hadn't seen them in a while, and even longer since we saw them without a big holiday type gathering reason. It was nice.

I don't know. You caught me on a bad day -- things really aren't so bad but I'm all up in my feelings and had been meaning to write for a while. Mel went to bed early and I'm kind of night owling. Might do some of that writing that makes me feel good but not so good because it's not the Big One, but still yeah, you know, kind of good.

Well they can't all be winners.

One of them, it would be nice to be a winner.

Keep on rockin'

-Scotto